eminembnja Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 This isn't my situation, but I think it kinda applies so let's just make it a hypothetical: Dumper dumps dumpee. Dumpee continues to contact dumper and dumper actually likes the contact and wants to be friends, but does not want to lead the dumpee on in any way. Dumper also harbors some hopes for reconciliation after figuring things out. What's the best course of action? Refer the dumpee to this web site? Advise NC?
nittanylion Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 This isn't my situation, but I think it kinda applies so let's just make it a hypothetical: Dumper dumps dumpee. Dumpee continues to contact dumper and dumper actually likes the contact and wants to be friends, but does not want to lead the dumpee on in any way. Dumper also harbors some hopes for reconciliation after figuring things out. What's the best course of action? Refer the dumpee to this web site? Advise NC? Dumper should not play game with dumpee's heart. Dumper should respect dumpee wish by not bothering dumpee. Dumper should leave dumpee alone unless dumper is serious about getting back together.
Author eminembnja Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 Ok, you say dumper should "not bother dumpee" but dumpee continually initiates contact. So do you just cut off contact because "you know what's best" or allow the dumpee to make their own choices? I recently read a post on here where the dumpee was complaining that the dumper ceased all contact. So the dumper is chastised either way, it seems. Assuming the dumper is clear about intentions, is it right to cut off contact and ignore the dumpee?
nittanylion Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Ok, you say dumper should "not bother dumpee" but dumpee continually initiates contact. So do you just cut off contact because "you know what's best" or allow the dumpee to make their own choices? I recently read a post on here where the dumpee was complaining that the dumper ceased all contact. So the dumper is chastised either way, it seems. Assuming the dumper is clear about intentions, is it right to cut off contact and ignore the dumpee? If dumpee continues contact dumper, than dumpee will continue to get pain. In this situation, its the dumpee's fault. Dumpee should move on with his/her life, and be completely wiped out on their mind on hope to any reconcilation. If dumpee is harboring though and wishful thinking, dumpee will always be miserable and never heal from the breakup. My advice is to move on. Heal yourself back in shape, and than date someone else.
Author eminembnja Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 If dumpee continues contact dumper, than dumpee will continue to get pain. In this situation, its the dumpee's fault. Dumpee should move on with his/her life, and be completely wiped out on their mind on hope to any reconcilation. If dumpee is harboring though and wishful thinking, dumpee will always be miserable and never heal from the breakup. My advice is to move on. Heal yourself back in shape, and than date someone else. Yes, but what is your advice to the dumper, who cares about the dumpee and wants to do what's best
nittanylion Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Yes, but what is your advice to the dumper, who cares about the dumpee and wants to do what's best Dumper dont give a shi t about dumpee. Dumper planned this ahead months and months ago before making the final decision. Obviously, there is some deep issues cant be resolved from the dumper side otherwise the relationship wouldnt get to this point.
Rap17 Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Dumper dont give a shi t about dumpee. Dumper planned this ahead months and months ago before making the final decision. Obviously, there is some deep issues cant be resolved from the dumper side otherwise the relationship wouldnt get to this point. Gotta say it. Amen.
IfiKnewThen Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 look if u like him or her and want to try another chance. go for it. if this is about your ego. get lost (LOL) really, if you are rethinking things and not thinking with your third leg or ego...then let the dumpee know that you would like to get together and talk and take it from there. tell them that you think maybe there could be another opportunity for you both if she thinks its mutual too. it's called growing up and seeing the god that was there and maybe could be salvaged. : )
Author eminembnja Posted November 11, 2010 Author Posted November 11, 2010 Wow, I have to say that for all the good advice you give to dumpees, you are not very good at seeing the other side. In an ideal world, does the dumper ignore the constant contact from the dumpee, or answer the phone and try not to lead the dumpee on? Obviously some dumpers do care to do what's best. You can't say that all dumpers are evil. The dumper does not want to get back together, and this is clear, but the dumpee keeps calling.
nittanylion Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Wow, I have to say that for all the good advice you give to dumpees, you are not very good at seeing the other side. In an ideal world, does the dumper ignore the constant contact from the dumpee, or answer the phone and try not to lead the dumpee on? Obviously some dumpers do care to do what's best. You can't say that all dumpers are evil. The dumper does not want to get back together, and this is clear, but the dumpee keeps calling. Oblviously, if the dumper does care about the dumpee, it wouldnt be a break up to begin with in the first place. I think its best dumper should ignore any texts, phone calls or any form of communication from the dumpee. Its called common courtesy and respects for the dumpee despite dumpee continues to contract dumper.
brown03 Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Ok personally I am probably the one that you were talking about. And in my opinion I think if you still love them and just want alittle break and you are serious about wanting something with them and not just keeping them there well you look for someone else then yes continue contact. But if you have in your head at all that you want to date, Sleep with or do anything with someone else then you need to cut it off. It is not right to lead someone on well you look for someone else. But if it's just a break you need then sure I guess. Although if you just say to him can I just have some space can we not talk for 2 weeks or so and then get together after. Time apart really help's a relationship the only thing is the only time apart I got was the break up lol. And had it been a break I think it really would have help my case. Again it is not ok to be like I need a break go and sleep with someone and say ok I want you back or go try and date someone else. If you have the entension of dating then go date cut contact unless the feeling is mutual that you want to be friends and you need to let him know of what he is getting into. Tell him there maybe other guys and I am not looking for a relationship it is strictly just friends ship. But you need to say this that way he has no right to get mad.
Wrenne Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 i am currently in this situation (dumper, dumpee wants contact), except it's a bit different because dumper (me) has not moved on or started to date and still harbors hope for a reconciliation and dumpee (who really, really wants contact) has been in a new relationship for several months. my advice is to have one frank conversation with dumpee where you say you are trying to have some time for yourself don't want to get hurt during the process, so you will not be answering any of dumpee's emails/texts/etc. then stick with it for several months until you can look at the situation more objectively. i have also been the dumper in situations when dumpee did NOT have a new relationship yet, but still wanted contact, and it always ended horribly, with both parties being hurt. it's hard, but a break-up needs to be both physical and emotional to really take place.
Author eminembnja Posted November 11, 2010 Author Posted November 11, 2010 Oblviously, if the dumper does care about the dumpee, it wouldnt be a break up to begin with in the first place. I think its best dumper should ignore any texts, phone calls or any form of communication from the dumpee. Its called common courtesy and respects for the dumpee despite dumpee continues to contract dumper. I don't really userstand you. You really believe nobody breaks up with someone they care about? What if you care how the other feels but are just wrong together, fight all the time, they cheated on you, etc.? People on this board are always saying "do what's right for you" but that doesn't apply when what's right is to break up? How can ignoring someone be "common courtesy"? I was taught that was rude. Let's say I just want to be friends, and the other person SAYS thy are ok with that. I don't lead them on. Still ignore their texts?
IfiKnewThen Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 ok maybe i misunderstood the question in the first place.. so heres what i feel now. i think contact IS good. sometimes (call me crazy). BUT youre actually right. it sucks to be ignored and is often rude and feels horrible to the dumpee when you spent time and years together and suddenly the dumper acts like freaking rude cold heartless stranger. for most woman..we need to work things out..come to terms with things. and when we get dumped..and they act like they never knew us..i think it stunts healthy moving on. you cant mislead either. so say....i love you enough to tell you...i know we are not going to get back romantically. i want contact sometimes..but thats selfish of me. but if you need contact i am here as best as i can be under the circumstances. you matter to me after all these years so i have your back in certain curcumstances and can lend an ear even if its about me sometimes....but my feelings have changed...but ...(i dont know whatever...) fantasy on my part. break ups hurt and suck. some of us get across to the other side (healing and a new joyful life) quicker than others. all depends on the circumstances and love and support system we have around us. i like the concept though of not being cruel...and as for me...more christian like <---just a description here. nothing more. if they call too often say i dont want to hurt you. i am trying to move forward in my own personal direction...but as i said i want to be the friend i can be from this awkward disadvantage point. geez i have no idea lol. its soo hard for me to look at it from the dumpers side right now. and quite frankyly i dont want to. i have to move forward : ) all i can really say is ..my ex and i used to really be some kind of friends. we went through a lot together...or at least i thought he was wonderful to me at the time...and we used to even pray together on matters. no hes so much like a stranger and in the beginning all he did was run from me and i wasnt even the "caller" "persuer" if you will. he acted like everything was too much. that hurt like hell. but no contact would have made me hate him and forgive him less. why should we dumpees get further punished..like we did something wrong because the dumper cant cope with the reaction of us being hurt from getting dumped? be civil, kind, truthful, respectful of feelings... i wish things could really be that way.
Rap17 Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 "why should we dumpees get further punished..like we did something wrong because the dumper cant cope with the reaction of us being hurt from getting dumped?" Exactly. Sometimes its feels like were almost not allowed to.
tobydog Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Well my stbx husband has no contact with me, not a kind word to see how I am, this has made me ill, nothing about anything. Now he has got the police involved and accused me of abusive emails and texts, rants yes, abusive no. And this to a phone I pay for! Not any longer.... He really hates me so much, we used to chat about all sorts now I doubt we'll ever be civil again? Who thinks he'll come back when his business is down the pan and he's sick of the other old slapper? LOL
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