Why do "happily" married people cheat?

[shadowofman]

Some people have a natural tendency or orientation toward promiscuousness. They may be completely happy in love with one person. They may tend to love many. They may be able to enjoy pleasurable sexual encounters independent of love.

 

And then, the cheater simply thinks he/she is going to get away with it. This speaks nothing to happiness, but will often lead to unhappy feelings of guilt.

[kuma]

Choosing an A is always a easy way out, weak and selfish act because a normal person would either work on his/her M or get a divorce.

 

• Easy, because it doesn't take commitments, working the M or face a divorce.
  
• Weak, because it is giving in to temptation (emotional immaturity)
  
• Selfish, because a cheater always puts his own needs upon the BS and AP. They keep the M for the comfort, social status etc and the AP for the passion and thrill.
  

I completely agree. But I'm curious though, why did you have an affair with a MW?

[shadowofman]

Easy, because it doesn't take commitments, working the M or face a divorce.

 

Difficulty is often irrelevant in cases where the marriage doesn't need to be worked on.

 

Weak, because it is giving in to temptation (emotional immaturity)

 

Often mistaken as emotional immature, sex is most often a pursuit of pleasure devoid of an remarkable emotion.

 

Selfish, because a cheater always puts his own needs upon the BS and AP. They keep the M for the comfort, social status etc and the AP for the passion and thrill.

 

Maybe they keep the marriage for love. OP is talking about happily married cheaters. There is a degree of selfishness to the pursuit of pleasure. As when a one eats a piece of cake without telling their SO. Maybe they would be willing to share if their SO was not so opposed to cake. In such a case, cheating is not so much selfish as it would be illegally indulgent.

[Owl]

Ok, I like to pride myself on my careful, astute observations of the world around me.

 

Hell, I worked as a successful journalist. My intuition and observations had better be sharp and accurate.

 

He grew emotionally distant first. We (mostly he) had been through a series of life-altering events. He emerged jobless and depressed. I went into hyper-drive to cover up the slack.

 

We still had three teenagers to raise and a house to hold onto. Here's my mistake: I allowed him to keep his distance because I felt sorry for him! Big mistake!

 

I asked repeatedly, something wrong, you seem down?

 

I got: No, just tired. Then I got, in a slightly angrier and exasperated tone: Why do you keep asking? I'm fine! And then I got: I have to work late again tonight.

 

And I and my children, both chalked it up to new job stress. Yet knowing how important this new job was to his ego and self-esteem, we just started to tip-toe around him, hoping THIS WOULD make him happy!

 

Ahhh, love is so blind. And permitting! And enabling.

 

We saw many things happening, many gaping holes, but NEVER suspected an affair.

 

Spark, this is an almost word-for-word description of my own situation.

 

I'm ex-military. Struggled with PTSD for a while before I met my wife. Was a street kid.

 

I tend to be almost hyper-aware of changes of any kind in my environment.

 

I too saw my wife become distant and depressed after she lost her job. Watched her remove herself more and more from interaction with her friends, the house, etc... while she became more and more addicted to online gaming instead.

 

I too had to jump in to pick up the slack. I could see that there was something wrong, but couldn't get her to talk to me about it. At the time, we had four older teenaged kids in the house, creating all kinds of stress.

 

I knew that her online "friendship" with OM was crossing boundaries almost before they did...literally.

 

I tried talking about it, tried reaching out to her. I was told "You have nothing to worry about!". Got that same exasperated tone you described as well.

 

I suspected an emotional attachment was forming...but couldn't believe that it actually crossed over into a full blown EA, even when I read the chat logs.

 

I did EVERYTHING I could think of to try to work things out leading up to that. Tried every thing I knew to support and help her, and rebuild our marriage.

 

The lack was NOT me, nor was the lack anything that I wasn't putting into the relationship. Nor was it me not "noticing a change" either.

 

That lack was something completely within herself.

[2sure]

Some people are happy with their marriage and /or happy with their spouse but are unhappy with themselves in that they have some kind of personal hole they attempt to fill up with someone else.

 

When they find someone else who fills that up for a bit they figure that must have been the problem all along...until they find themselves still feeling that hole regardless of who they are with.

 

Sometimes people who are not content with themselves find the distraction of an affair...just an extra they like to have.

[Dexter Morgan]

East7...another insightful post!

 

Do you think BS do not yearn for sexual passion and intimacy?

 

I can guarantee you I did. but you didn't see me going out and sticking my member in other women. I poured my energy into my kids, working on the house, etc.

[Spark1111]

Spark, this is an almost word-for-word description of my own situation.

 

I'm ex-military. Struggled with PTSD for a while before I met my wife. Was a street kid.

 

I tend to be almost hyper-aware of changes of any kind in my environment.

 

I too saw my wife become distant and depressed after she lost her job. Watched her remove herself more and more from interaction with her friends, the house, etc... while she became more and more addicted to online gaming instead.

 

I too had to jump in to pick up the slack. I could see that there was something wrong, but couldn't get her to talk to me about it. At the time, we had four older teenaged kids in the house, creating all kinds of stress.

 

I knew that her online "friendship" with OM was crossing boundaries almost before they did...literally.

 

I tried talking about it, tried reaching out to her. I was told "You have nothing to worry about!". Got that same exasperated tone you described as well.

 

I suspected an emotional attachment was forming...but couldn't believe that it actually crossed over into a full blown EA, even when I read the chat logs.

 

I did EVERYTHING I could think of to try to work things out leading up to that. Tried every thing I knew to support and help her, and rebuild our marriage.

 

The lack was NOT me, nor was the lack anything that I wasn't putting into the relationship. Nor was it me not "noticing a change" either.

 

That lack was something completely within herself.

 

Owl, till the day I die, I will dispute that there "must have been something wrong in the marriage," or "I didn't meet his needs," or "we were unhappy with each other."

 

It sucks for vulnerable OW/OM who all hope it is true and that they have a chance.

 

Most therapist will tell you that there is a problem within the cheater, because few acts can cause more familial destruction than an affair.

 

I knew my h was forming a very close relationship with a co-worker, but he mentioned him by a title that allowed me to assume it was a man.

 

I was happy he seemed to have a mentor on the new job who called his cell all the time. I thought, okay, I'm happy for him, because maybe that will make him happy.

 

Ahhhhh....Love is blind.....

[thomasb]

Spark, right with you there. From the 'other' side of course. Since I've been on this board, in almost every post from an ow side of things, I hear repeatedly that there was something wrong within the marriage. I was a WS and have felt like I am pounding my head against a stone wall saying there was not. It is rather like they wish, no matter what, to place the blame on the BS, irregardless of the circumstances.

It is rather the same as being totally angry at the OP at the end of the affair by the BS. You don't want to blame the person you love subconsciously perhaps... so you heap blame on the other one. Be it BS or OW!

[Lauriebell82]

I would say people cheat because of problems they themselves have...there may NOT be something wrong with the marriage or their spouse.

 

That being said, there is not excuse for causing that kind of pain, no matter WHAT problems said partner may have.

[East7]

 

Owl, till the day I die, I will dispute that there "must have been something wrong in the marriage," or "I didn't meet his needs," or "we were unhappy with each other."

 

It sucks for vulnerable OW/OM who all hope it is true and that they have a chance.

 

Its about JUSTIFICATION. In order to avoid guilt and justify their desire for the AP; WS attribute these desires to needs that are not being met in their marriage, or to their BS past or present behavior. It may have nothing to do with the BS and the marriage, it is just a way to justify themselves and avoid responsibility.

 

Actually, there are very few WS that tell the AP they are "happily married". And in fact, during the A, they are so sucked in, they neglect and escape their BS so much that "happily married" becomes pointless.

 

And Spark, the OM/OW are not necessarily vulnerable, in most of the cases it is their 1st relationship with someone married and an A is much more complex than a normal R. The lack of experience leads to false hopes and appearance that don't reflect the truth.

[wicar1]

they cheat coz they don't have any idea about commitment, loyalty, love, family.

 

Almost in all the cases they just wanna sleep with a new person eventhough they give various reasons for the EA.

 

Coz They are all cheap and filthy.

[Steadfast]

Really good:

 

 

Some people are happy with their marriage and /or happy with their spouse but are unhappy with themselves in that they have some kind of personal hole they attempt to fill up with someone else.

 

When they find someone else who fills that up for a bit they figure that must have been the problem all along...until they find themselves still feeling that hole regardless of who they are with.

 

Sometimes people who are not content with themselves find the distraction of an affair...just an extra they like to have.

 

 

The bold part above seems to be very true, and plays out often. Well said.

 

 

Its about JUSTIFICATION. In order to avoid guilt and justify their desire for the AP; WS attribute these desires to needs that are not being met in their marriage, or to their BS past or present behavior. It may have nothing to do with the BS and the marriage, it is just a way to justify themselves and avoid responsibility.

 

Actually, there are very few WS that tell the AP they are "happily married". And in fact, during the A, they are so sucked in, they neglect and escape their BS so much that "happily married" becomes pointless.

 

 

This hit like a sledgehammer. The memory of that is something I never wish to relive.

 

In the end, I really haven't figured out why people cheat, but the last thing I'd connect a cheater with is happiness. That's an oxymoron. Correct me if I'm mistaken, but isn't a happy marriage made up from two happy people?

 

But I was. Not perfectly, as I still had things that I wished to accomplish but my wife was at the foundation of that happiness...as my partner and best friend. It's like I lost several people, all at once. And more. So hard!

 

In her case, the 'hole' in her life is still there. That's what she's been trying to tell me. She's been trying to explain -in her own dysfunctional, broken way- that what she was lacking has only grown in size and intensity. I'm not certain what she can do about it, but it is a certainty that I am in not position to help her now. I can keep it from getting worse however, at least where I am concerned. There is no reason to hate her anymore. It's gone.

 

The biggest lie for the cheater is believing it'll all work out. It doesn't.

[East7]

In my experience and observation, I would like to add 2 factors (not 2 reasons) that may lead to distanced spouses and an A :

 

 

• Women who marry young (20-25)are more likely to divorce or have A than those who marry in a mature age (30 and above). Actually we change between 20 and 30 and some spouses grow different. A woman who has experienced a couple of relationships before M, is more likely to be a dependable wife and build a strong relationship (emotional maturity). On the other side, those who marry young often live a middle-age crisis (30-35), they have a good situation, house, kids and everything to be happy but they feel that "something is missing" or "they have missed something in their lives", they loose interest in sex, consider it like a job, not unlike washing dishes or grocery shopping, some even experience depression and emptiness. They consider the M like a limitation to their fulfillment. The hard part of it is that often the BS don't notice anything or neglect some red flags. Again, I don't assume that this is a reason for cheating, just drawing a picture of the situation.
  

 

• Parental distancing : Some spouses have an amazing relationship until children come. Then when the first child come and family grows bigger, they turn so much their attention on parental duties and providing the family that they see each-other like parents and forget to be spouses. Some MW complain they are not treated as a "woman" anymore. Like I wrote above on another post they will look for validation and approval outside their M, fantasize about a "lost love" or "romantic encounter" Actually they don't look for a another relationship other then their M, it is like a search of the lost "youth" or a nostalgia of the past when they weren't parents yet and lived outside of the M responsibilities. It begins like a desire to escape the reality and when they find an OM to respond to their need for fantasy they cling to him and may slip into an EA/PA.
  

[myname]

Spark, right with you there. From the 'other' side of course. Since I've been on this board, in almost every post from an ow side of things, I hear repeatedly that there was something wrong within the marriage. I was a WS and have felt like I am pounding my head against a stone wall saying there was not. It is rather like they wish, no matter what, to place the blame on the BS, irregardless of the circumstances.

It is rather the same as being totally angry at the OP at the end of the affair by the BS. You don't want to blame the person you love subconsciously perhaps... so you heap blame on the other one. Be it BS or OW!

 

I know I definitely thought there must be something wrong in the marriage, I don't think I would have got involved if I'd really thought their marriage was happy and that it was just something wrong with him.

 

But then he did tell me that his marriage was broken, the things he described about the way they interacted and the way he would always say if his marriage was ok he wouldn't be doing anything with me, wouldn't be taking these risks etc made me believe that he did really want to leave her.

 

When you were having your affair did you tell your OW that your marriage was not working, did you believe that your marriage was broken when you were involved in the affair, did it take going through it all and staying with your wife to realise that it was all a lacking in you?

[karnak]

In my experience and observation, I would like to add 2 factors (not 2 reasons) that may lead to distanced spouses and an A :

 

 

• Women who marry young (20-25)are more likely to divorce or have A than those who marry in a mature age (30 and above). Actually we change between 20 and 30 and some spouses grow different. A woman who has experienced a couple of relationships before M, is more likely to be a dependable wife and build a strong relationship (emotional maturity). On the other side, those who marry young often live a middle-age crisis (30-35), they have a good situation, house, kids and everything to be happy but they feel that "something is missing" or "they have missed something in their lives", they loose interest in sex, consider it like a job, not unlike washing dishes or grocery shopping, some even experience depression and emptiness. They consider the M like a limitation to their fulfillment. The hard part of it is that often the BS don't notice anything or neglect some red flags. Again, I don't assume that this is a reason for cheating, just drawing a picture of the situation.
  

• Parental distancing : Some spouses have an amazing relationship until children come. Then when the first child come and family grows bigger, they turn so much their attention on parental duties and providing the family that they see each-other like parents and forget to be spouses. Some MW complain they are not treated as a "woman" anymore. Like I wrote above on another post they will look for validation and approval outside their M, fantasize about a "lost love" or "romantic encounter" Actually they don't look for a another relationship other then their M, it is like a search of the lost "youth" or a nostalgia of the past when they weren't parents yet and lived outside of the M responsibilities. It begins like a desire to escape the reality and when they find an OM to respond to their need for fantasy they cling to him and may slip into an EA/PA.
  

 

Until last year I used to have an opinion similar to yours. Now, after seeing some cases I think it all boils down to how they perceive the world.

 

There are people who marry very young and are able to mantain very healthy and stable relationships (perhaps because, regardless of their age, they are very mature and level-headed people). Yet I know people (men and women) who married in their 30's and whose marriage is a fraud or a mess.

Regardless of age, sexual experience, etc... I think the most important factor in a relationship is the psychological/emotional health of the people involved. When that fails everything else is doomed to fail as well.

[GG2W]

I am a male dancer. Married women, come on to me all the time. It is partly the atmosphere, the alcohol, etc. I keep myself in great shape, am under 30, and apparently am attractive. Most meetings are simply one night stands. They have been married for several years, the husband has let his body slip, and in some cases they have never experienced another man. Or in some cases they see the opportunity to do the nasty with a guy with a 6-pack. They are not unhappy of bored in their lives, just wanting to try something different. As they say life is too short.

 

Marilyn Monroe was way before my time, so I have only photos to go from, but honestly how many happily married men would have said no to a one night stand with her, especially knowing that the wife would likely never find out.

[ReturnToSender]

In my case that is wrong, QA. I was completely happy with my wife. There was and still is nothing I would have changed with her or my marriage. The problems were all within me. What were they? An inflated ego, selfishness, and a strong need for external validation. Until I fixed those issues within myself I couldn't be a good husband, hell, I couldn't even be a good person.

 

This is exactly the reason my ex gave to me for cheating on me. Granted we werent married, but we were looking to move in together and marriage was on the horizon,something he talked about all the time (I didnt even mention it! He set the pace on that path, but I was really thrilled about it)

 

He became really angry with me even, for saying there had to be something wrong with our relationship, or with me that he would do what he did...not just cheat but carry on a full fledged relationship. He insisted that he meant it, that in his eyes I did everything perfect, that he felt lucky to have me, that there was nothing I could have done differently cause it had nothing to do with me.

 

Do you feel any differently about yourself and the ability to be a good husband, who is faithful? Given a second chance, would you say you would do anything differently? Or is there a chance you would do it again?

[Snowflower]

Spark, right with you there. From the 'other' side of course. Since I've been on this board, in almost every post from an ow side of things, I hear repeatedly that there was something wrong within the marriage. I was a WS and have felt like I am pounding my head against a stone wall saying there was not. It is rather like they wish, no matter what, to place the blame on the BS, irregardless of the circumstances.

 

Because the OP is convinced by their MP that there is something wrong with the marriage. The MP is trying to convince themselves of this so it probably sounds very convincing to the OP.

 

It's a truly messed-up mindset. One that will cause pain to everyone involved.

[Spark1111]

Because the OP is convinced by their MP that there is something wrong with the marriage. The MP is trying to convince themselves of this so it probably sounds very convincing to the OP.

 

It's a truly messed-up mindset. One that will cause pain to everyone involved.

 

I agree!

 

Who, in their right mind, could hope to lure a person you are growing attracted to into an affair with: I'm incredibly happily married, but let's flirt until we can have sex."

 

Most potential partners would run home to shower after deciding, "What a jerk or jerkette!"

 

The MP must first convince themselves of their unhappiness, blame their marriage for it, and then be able to elicit sympathy from a vulnerable and prospective partner they have sensed a mutual attraction with.

 

As the attraction deepens, the marriage becomes worse and worse in the eyes of the MP...funny how that happens EVERY SINGLE TIME.

 

Therapists call them damsels and dumsells in distress. It is usually the common emotional hooking of the AP, or the AP hooking the MP.

 

THese themes continue over and over and over again in most literature written about affairs....the emotional high of unrequited love...follows this pattern almost every time.

[kuma]

They have been married for several years, the husband has let his body slip, and in some cases they have never experienced another man. Or in some cases they see the opportunity to do the nasty with a guy with a 6-pack. They are not unhappy of bored in their lives, just wanting to try something different. As they say life is too short.

 

That has to be the most pathetic excuse to cheat I've ever heard. I don't think they love their husbands...

[East7]

I am a male dancer. Married women, come on to me all the time. It is partly the atmosphere, the alcohol, etc. I keep myself in great shape, am under 30, and apparently am attractive. Most meetings are simply one night stands. They have been married for several years, the husband has let his body slip, and in some cases they have never experienced another man. Or in some cases they see the opportunity to do the nasty with a guy with a 6-pack. They are not unhappy of bored in their lives, just wanting to try something different. As they say life is too short.

.

 

Dude don't be so happy, no offense, but they use you as a one-shot object.

 

This category of women are not looking for an affair, they are more likely serial cheaters, around 40, often rich and have everything they need, a high self-esteem, just want to get la*d once in a while with a handsome guy Kind of Samantha of Sex & City, but married.

[kuma]

It seems that happily married cheaters are not really happy within themselves. Thank you for your responses. Have a good weekend.

[wicar1]

I am a male dancer. Married women, come on to me all the time. It is partly the atmosphere, the alcohol, etc. I keep myself in great shape, am under 30, and apparently am attractive. Most meetings are simply one night stands. They have been married for several years, the husband has let his body slip, and in some cases they have never experienced another man. Or in some cases they see the opportunity to do the nasty with a guy with a 6-pack. They are not unhappy of bored in their lives, just wanting to try something different. As they say life is too short.

 

Marilyn Monroe was way before my time, so I have only photos to go from, but honestly how many happily married men would have said no to a one night stand with her, especially knowing that the wife would likely never find out.

 

It's not an excuse to let another guy sneak into her pants.

These are s****.

It's clear they dont value their marriage, H, kids ..

[GG2W]

Actually most of them are just normal housewifes who get caught up in the moment. They are not serial cheaters.

 

The odd thing about those who do have money, I have two clients with rich husbands who are watchers who have paid my way to travel with them

[NoLongerSad]

You need to check out the thread by the guy whose wife partied with male dancers in Vegas and lied about it.

 

What's your take?

 

Do you think she got boned, or what?

 

Here it is:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251511/