Why do "happily" married people cheat?

[kuma]

They cheat because they can't resist temptation? Any thoughts?

[quankanne]

because they think they're above reproach, and tell themselves they're happy. The truth is, someone who is content (and by that I mean continually happy, not just situationally happy) with their spouse isn't going to consider sleeping around on that person because (s)he is all they need. And there's nothing to prove to him/herself by cheating on the spouse.

[thomasb]

In my case that is wrong, QA. I was completely happy with my wife. There was and still is nothing I would have changed with her or my marriage. The problems were all within me. What were they? An inflated ego, selfishness, and a strong need for external validation. Until I fixed those issues within myself I couldn't be a good husband, hell, I couldn't even be a good person.

[Dexter Morgan]

they cheat simply because they can't handle a monogomous relationship and like the conquest and excitement of bedding other people down.

[Spark1111]

They cheat because they can't resist temptation? Any thoughts?

 

Okay, yes....poor boundaries.

 

The question is, why do they have such poor boundaries?

 

Selfish? Self-entitled? Low self-esteem needing external validation and flattery?

 

Didn't date enough before marriage and now wonder what they missed?

 

Because we all get tempted....hell, women, married women, are hit on all the time....doesn't matter if we are wearing our ring or not!

 

So it's always a choice. Some have strong boundaries, some do not or choose not too!

[wheelwright]

Okay, yes....poor boundaries.

 

The question is, why do they have such poor boundaries?

 

Selfish? Self-entitled? Low self-esteem needing external validation and flattery?

 

Didn't date enough before marriage and now wonder what they missed?

 

Because we all get tempted....hell, women, married women, are hit on all the time....doesn't matter if we are wearing our ring or not!

 

So it's always a choice. Some have strong boundaries, some do not or choose not too!

 

Totally agree it's about boundaries.

 

And Spark is right to ask the deeper qs.

 

When it's not about that, it's about still looking for something, or about sex.

 

And the still looking bit means falling in love sometimes.

 

And the boundaries can be about commitment, passion, or intimacy. Needs. Or about self-esteem as Spark said.

 

I think there are psycho-positive reasons or psycho-negative ones.

 

Like you have an A because that person comes along and makes you feel good, vs you strike up a R with someone who begins to fufill your R needs and you theirs.

 

Or of course you may meet your soulmate

 

I suspect if you look at the A, you will find which boundary was weak, and also find out if it's a problem in the person or the R.

[pureinheart]

They cheat because they can't resist temptation? Any thoughts?

 

Because they are not really happily married, for whatever reason.

[wheelwright]

Because they are not really happily married, for whatever reason.

 

Yep. And all concerned know it.

[thomasb]

Because they are not really happily married, for whatever reason.

 

 

OP's can believe this all they want to, or rather need to, to justify their choice to have an affair with a married person. It is not true in all cases. It wasn't in mine. And it is narrow minded to lump all people and situations together like that. No one but myself and my wife know the state of our marriage. No one can as they are not a part of my union with my wife.

[Owl]

i believe that they well may be happily married...with nothing wrong with the marital relationship itself.

 

The lack...the unhappiness...is something inside them, rather than in the marriage.

 

The marriage may be excellent...unfortunately the spouse who wanders may not be. Or may not be capable of actually embracing that wonderful relationship due to some imbalance in themselves.

 

We've heard "it takes two to make a marriage".

 

Well, that means that the converse of it "it only takes one to break a marriage" true as well. One person with something wrong inside themselves can cause a marriage to fail. Sometimes it might be the BS...sometimes it could be the person who cheats.

[thomasb]

Quite right Owl. In my circumstance it was all within me.

[carrie999]

Many reasons. Someone mentioned to me in response to one of my posts the "Split Self Affair." I googled it, and what I found in the "Handbook of the Clinical Treatment of Infidelity" mirrored us so closely I shuddered. There are multiple types of affairs, and if you look them up and find a brief description that seems to match yours, look it up. It's scary but somehow reassuring seeing it in print.

[Star Gazer]

i believe that they well may be happily married...with nothing wrong with the marital relationship itself.

 

The lack...the unhappiness...is something inside them, rather than in the marriage.

 

The marriage may be excellent...unfortunately the spouse who wanders may not be. Or may not be capable of actually embracing that wonderful relationship due to some imbalance in themselves.

 

We've heard "it takes two to make a marriage".

 

Well, that means that the converse of it "it only takes one to break a marriage" true as well. One person with something wrong inside themselves can cause a marriage to fail. Sometimes it might be the BS...sometimes it could be the person who cheats.

 

Totally agree with this.

[wheelwright]

i believe that they well may be happily married...with nothing wrong with the marital relationship itself.

 

The lack...the unhappiness...is something inside them, rather than in the marriage.

 

The marriage may be excellent...unfortunately the spouse who wanders may not be. Or may not be capable of actually embracing that wonderful relationship due to some imbalance in themselves.

 

We've heard "it takes two to make a marriage".

 

Well, that means that the converse of it "it only takes one to break a marriage" true as well. One person with something wrong inside themselves can cause a marriage to fail. Sometimes it might be the BS...sometimes it could be the person who cheats.

 

Wrong for me.

 

And surely wrong logically (not that logic means a whole lot)

 

So if the 'hole' is in the WS, then surely the BS, a picture of marital perfection, should have seen said gaping hole in MP's psyche???

 

I want to add ? ad infinitum.

 

Just look at them (WS) and sigh, and know they love you.

 

I could extrapolate, but not sure of response.

[East7]

They cheat because they can't resist temptation? Any thoughts?

 

Happily married doesn't mean more than "I'm OK in my marriage".

 

I don't agree that WS always bear 100% responsibility, eventually there is a void created by the BS (lack of communication, etc) - But I agree that it is not a reason to cheat.

 

I don't know about men but for cheating women :

 

- Need for external validation

 

Feeling desired. Validating their seduction power, validating that someone can like them (which is related to low self esteem).

 

- Need for external approval.

 

When there is a lack of communication or/and connection with their spouse, they find connection somewhere else, that's why it often starts like a flirting-platonic-friendship, emotional A, whatever you might call it. A lot of women complain to their AP that the H doesn't listen or ignore them.

 

- Low boundaries, emotional immaturity.

 

There is a difference between flirting and having an affair. When you have strong boundaries, you stop at flirting stage. The borderline is very thin. It always starts as sweet friendship, endless talking (need for approval) and then they jump the fence to a real A. There is always a "no-return point", when they enjoy the thrill, become addicted and fall head-over-heals into the A, emotionally and physically, leaving the A becomes then much more difficult that just stop flirting.

 

It is also about personality strength and emotional maturity because they can either avoid it and stop at the right moment or give in and become addicted.

 

- Strong sexual attraction (even if not always admitted)

 

There is also a strong sexual dynamics which is specially powerful to women (Carhill explains this so well in some of his posts). Connection and thrill lead to high sexual tension which becomes another addiction in the A. Again the borderline between EA and PA is very thin and it doesn't take much to take the step. As I wrote above, it is a matter of personality strength to stop at the right moment.

Edited November 11, 2010 by East7

[Spark1111]

Happily married doesn't mean more than "I'm OK in my marriage".

 

I don't agree that WS always bear 100% responsibility, eventually there is a void created by the BS (lack of communication, etc) - But I agree that it is not a reason to cheat.

 

I don't know about men but for cheating women :

 

- Need for external validation

 

Feeling desired. Validating their seduction power, validating that someone can like them (which is related to low self esteem).

 

- Need for external approval.

 

When there is a lack of communication or/and connection with their spouse, they find connection somewhere else, that's why it often starts like a flirting-platonic-friendship, emotional A, whatever you might call it. A lot of women complain to their AP that the H doesn't listen or ignore them.

 

- Low boundaries, emotional immaturity.

 

There is a difference between flirting and having an affair. When you have strong boundaries, you stop at flirting stage. The borderline is very thin. It always starts as sweet friendship, endless talking (need for approval) and then they jump the fence to a real A. There is always a "no-return point", when they enjoy the thrill, become addicted and fall head-over-heals into the A, emotionally and physically, leaving the A becomes then much more difficult that just stop flirting.

 

It is also about personality strength and emotional maturity because they can either avoid it and stop at the right moment or give in and become addicted.

 

- Strong sexual attraction (even if not always admitted)

 

There is also a strong sexual dynamics which is specially powerful to women (Carhill explains this so well in some of his posts). Connection and thrill lead to high sexual tension which becomes another addiction in the A. Again the borderline between EA and PA is very thin and it doesn't take much to take the step. As I wrote above, it is a matter of personality strength to stop at the right moment.

 

East7...another insightful post!

 

Do you think BS do not yearn for sexual passion and intimacy?

 

Do you know that clinical studies have shown that many WSs, whether due to poor communication skills or conflict avoidance, or just plain old complacency as in, "He/She will never change, so what's the use? often BEGIN to emotionally distance themselves from their spouse ......way BEFORE they crash into their AP?

 

They give up on the marital relationship first......They internalize how unhappy they are and blame their marriage for it...

 

Too bad they do not effectively communicate these feelings to their spouse...

 

I am not judging anyone here.

 

But everything you describe, the friendship, the feelings, the attraction, the sexual tension...is experienced at one time or another by most people on the planet.

 

The difference between I and my fWS?

 

I can identify it, grow uncomfortable with it, and shut it down BECAUSE I am committed to making my marriage the best it can be.

 

My fWS? Enhanced it, fueled it, needed to feel it, did NOT WANT TO shut it down, DESPITE being, as he claims now, being happily married.

 

His words: "I forgot how much you have always truly loved me and supported me."

 

My response: "No, you forced yourself to forget that because you needed to be admired."

 

It is always a choice.

[East7]

 

Do you think BS do not yearn for sexual passion and intimacy?

 

Of course they do, who doesn't want to?

 

do you know that clinical studies have shown that many WSs, whether due to poor communication skills or conflict avoidance, or just plain old complacency as in, "He/She will never change, so what's the use? often BEGIN to emotionally distance themselves from their spouse ......way BEFORE they crash into their AP?

 

They give up on the marital relationship first......They internalize how unhappy they are and blame their marriage for it...

True ! That's why the expression "Something was missing in the M", both get tired of their differences, give up trying better communication and end up inevitably loosing the connection, thus the attachment to their S. It is a whole process, a Domino effect which leads to lack of sexual attraction and emotional distance, the "perfect" situation for slipping into an A.

 

I can identify it, grow uncomfortable with it, and shut it down BECAUSE I am committed to making my marriage the best it can be.

 

My fWS? Enhanced it, fueled it, needed to feel it, did NOT WANT TO shut it down, DESPITE being, as he claims now, being happily married.

Every situation is unique. I'm not commenting if it is BSs or WS fault, it takes two to tango, but I think that the one who is more emotionally weak and especially NEEDY is the one more likely to be tempted by an A.

 

Choosing an A is always a easy way out, weak and selfish act because a normal person would either work on his/her M or get a divorce.

 

• Easy, because it doesn't take commitments, working the M or face a divorce.
  
• Weak, because it is giving in to temptation (emotional immaturity)
  
• Selfish, because a cheater always puts his own needs upon the BS and AP. They keep the M for the comfort, social status etc and the AP for the passion and thrill.
  

[Owl]

Wrong for me.

 

And surely wrong logically (not that logic means a whole lot)

 

So if the 'hole' is in the WS, then surely the BS, a picture of marital perfection, should have seen said gaping hole in MP's psyche???

 

I want to add ? ad infinitum.

Just look at them (WS) and sigh, and know they love you.

 

I could extrapolate, but not sure of response.

 

I'm not sure what you're trying to say here?

 

Are you saying that even if there was some "lack" in the WS that led to their choice to cheat...it's still the BS's fault because they should have seen it????

[thomasb]

That is what I took it to mean also, Owl. Jeez, you all can't give the betrayed a break at all can you? Irregardless the circumstances, you will still try to place the blame on the only innocent party in the whole disgusting mess! The responsibility and blame need to placed solely on the shoulders of the cheaters, where it belongs!

[sally4sara]

They cheat because they can't resist temptation? Any thoughts?

 

1. they're not really "happily married".

 

2. they are in a poly style relationship and both are cool with outside interests.

[Spark1111]

I'm not sure what you're trying to say here?

 

Are you saying that even if there was some "lack" in the WS that led to their choice to cheat...it's still the BS's fault because they should have seen it????

 

Ok, I like to pride myself on my careful, astute observations of the world around me.

 

Hell, I worked as a successful journalist. My intuition and observations had better be sharp and accurate.

 

He grew emotionally distant first. We (mostly he) had been through a series of life-altering events. He emerged jobless and depressed. I went into hyper-drive to cover up the slack.

 

We still had three teenagers to raise and a house to hold onto. Here's my mistake: I allowed him to keep his distance because I felt sorry for him! Big mistake!

 

I asked repeatedly, something wrong, you seem down?

 

I got: No, just tired. Then I got, in a slightly angrier and exasperated tone: Why do you keep asking? I'm fine! And then I got: I have to work late again tonight.

 

And I and my children, both chalked it up to new job stress. Yet knowing how important this new job was to his ego and self-esteem, we just started to tip-toe around him, hoping THIS WOULD make him happy!

 

Ahhh, love is so blind. And permitting! And enabling.

 

We saw many things happening, many gaping holes, but NEVER suspected an affair.

[Spark1111]

Of course they do, who doesn't want to?

 

True ! That's why the expression "Something was missing in the M", both get tired of their differences, give up trying better communication and end up inevitably loosing the connection, thus the attachment to their S. It is a whole process, a Domino effect which leads to lack of sexual attraction and emotional distance, the "perfect" situation for slipping into an A.

 

Every situation is unique. I'm not commenting if it is BSs or WS fault, it takes two to tango, but I think that the one who is more emotionally weak and especially NEEDY is the one more likely to be tempted by an A.

 

Choosing an A is always a easy way out, weak and selfish act because a normal person would either work on his/her M or get a divorce.

 

• Easy, because it doesn't take commitments, working the M or face a divorce.
  
• Weak, because it is giving in to temptation (emotional immaturity)
  
• Selfish, because a cheater always puts his own needs upon the BS and AP. They keep the M for the comfort, social status etc and the AP for the passion and thrill.
  

 

Great point! A very hard and painful lesson wisely learned.

 

So, as hind sight is alway perfect, why would anyone want a selfish, weak, needy, vulnerable, hence, unstable partner to begin with?

 

My therapist told me there is only ONE PROPER REPSPONSE to someone of the opposite sex who begins to complain about their marriage or primary romantic relationship:

 

(ready for this?)

 

"I know the number of a good therapist. Let me give it to you." And then change the subject!:)

[East7]

Great point! A very hard and painful lesson wisely learned.

 

So, as hind sight is alway perfect, why would anyone want a selfish, weak, needy, vulnerable, hence, unstable partner to begin with?

 

 

Good question. Well, IMHO, when the AP is in the A, it is all sparks and love to OM/OW, we only observe the "good" side of the WS, our ego is burst with the fact that emotionally they have chosen us over their spouse, that their M is "doomed" and we have got a "chance". We see them differently because WS have often a double personality in their family and with their AP. With the AP they behave often confident, happy, attentive, tell everything thus they create trust.

 

Once we get out of the A and the dust settles we REALISE the real person that they are. This kind of analysis and insight comes when our mind is freed from "blinded love". Most of the fAP don't want to have their WS back or in their lives as once thrown under the bus, the trust and that "blinded" attraction collapses.

[Fight4Me]

Happily married doesn't mean more than "I'm OK in my marriage".

 

I don't agree that WS always bear 100% responsibility, eventually there is a void created by the BS (lack of communication, etc) - But I agree that it is not a reason to cheat.

 

I don't know about men but for cheating women :

 

- Need for external validation

 

Feeling desired. Validating their seduction power, validating that someone can like them (which is related to low self esteem).

 

- Need for external approval.

 

When there is a lack of communication or/and connection with their spouse, they find connection somewhere else, that's why it often starts like a flirting-platonic-friendship, emotional A, whatever you might call it. A lot of women complain to their AP that the H doesn't listen or ignore them.

 

- Low boundaries, emotional immaturity.

 

There is a difference between flirting and having an affair. When you have strong boundaries, you stop at flirting stage. The borderline is very thin. It always starts as sweet friendship, endless talking (need for approval) and then they jump the fence to a real A. There is always a "no-return point", when they enjoy the thrill, become addicted and fall head-over-heals into the A, emotionally and physically, leaving the A becomes then much more difficult that just stop flirting.

 

It is also about personality strength and emotional maturity because they can either avoid it and stop at the right moment or give in and become addicted.

 

- Strong sexual attraction (even if not always admitted)

 

There is also a strong sexual dynamics which is specially powerful to women (Carhill explains this so well in some of his posts). Connection and thrill lead to high sexual tension which becomes another addiction in the A. Again the borderline between EA and PA is very thin and it doesn't take much to take the step. As I wrote above, it is a matter of personality strength to stop at the right moment.

 

I agree with Spark... very insightful.

 

East7...another insightful post!

 

Do you think BS do not yearn for sexual passion and intimacy?

 

Do you know that clinical studies have shown that many WSs, whether due to poor communication skills or conflict avoidance, or just plain old complacency as in, "He/She will never change, so what's the use? often BEGIN to emotionally distance themselves from their spouse ......way BEFORE they crash into their AP?

 

They give up on the marital relationship first......They internalize how unhappy they are and blame their marriage for it...

 

Too bad they do not effectively communicate these feelings to their spouse...

 

I am not judging anyone here.

 

But everything you describe, the friendship, the feelings, the attraction, the sexual tension...is experienced at one time or another by most people on the planet.

 

The difference between I and my fWS?

 

I can identify it, grow uncomfortable with it, and shut it down BECAUSE I am committed to making my marriage the best it can be.

 

My fWS? Enhanced it, fueled it, needed to feel it, did NOT WANT TO shut it down, DESPITE being, as he claims now, being happily married.

 

His words: "I forgot how much you have always truly loved me and supported me."

 

My response: "No, you forced yourself to forget that because you needed to be admired."

 

It is always a choice.

 

In bold is exactly the conclusion (one of many) my own fWH came to.

 

To add to what others have so wisely suggested, I will submit what I have termed "the perfect storm," a massive set of ridiculously stressful circumstances that collide together at once, testing the resolve of one's commitment to honor "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" when the seemingly perfect escape presents itself. The marriage itself can be fulfilling and happy until anything that can go wrong does and all at once. The weak spouse who secretly resents the set of events (however temporary) will easily talk themselves into believing that the circumstances are the marriage, and so begins the rewriting of marital history.

 

"My wife is too sick to fulfill my every need and desire, therefor she never has"

 

"My wife has an incurable illness, therefor I should have married the OW so I wouldn't have had to go through this."

 

"I may get laid off from work, but if I had married the OW, she would be able to support me financially and provide all the big boy toys I deserve."

 

"I must not have ever loved my wife if I am thinking about my life in an alternate reality, and therefor, she never loved me either."

 

"Here's my chance to escape. It must be destiny like the OW said."

 

"My wife will be so relieved when she hears the good news because, after all, she never loved me anyway."

 

Anyone who took Logic 101 in college will read the above and say, "what the hell???" And thankfully, my fWH did too after emerging from the murky fantasy he had created for himself.

[kuma]

Many reasons. Someone mentioned to me in response to one of my posts the "Split Self Affair." I googled it, and what I found in the "Handbook of the Clinical Treatment of Infidelity" mirrored us so closely I shuddered. There are multiple types of affairs, and if you look them up and find a brief description that seems to match yours, look it up. It's scary but somehow reassuring seeing it in print.

 

Yes, there are many different type of affairs. You mentioned in your thread that your SO is incredible. Then why do you cheat on him?