Anger

[siuys]

i've been dealing with anger the last couple of days since xMM sent me that sms only days after he's thrown me under the bus again. i fantasized about sending this but have not, because i believe silence probably sends the best message... i know i am not at that point yet but I need to vent... so here it is. any comments welcome. thank you all again for the support.

 

"i am no longer open to the idea of resuscitating our 'relationship'. it's been too painful and toxic.

 

your swaying etc has caused me a lot of pain, and has robbed the trust i had in you. every so often you'd tell me how great everything is, how well you're doing, only to slump back into a hopeless situation days later. it was all about you. you would flatter me when you feel good, or when you have just ended it with me, and i question that. i know my self worth, and your flattering is beginning to sound cheap.

 

i believe you started the affair for YOU, and nothing else. you didn't, and still don't know what the f*ck you're doing. i feel sorry for you.

 

you said you are sorting yourself out. well, i think that is a good thing because you really do need to. i won't be available in the future for you, as i have now crossed that 'invisible line' where i no longer want to, i no longer want to hope, no longer want pain... because indifference is starting to set in, the trust is slipping away, and i'm losing respect for you... not a good base for anything.

 

you once said you didn't think you deserved my love - well, you're absolutely right, you don't.

 

please never contact me again. i do not wish to hear from you, see you or be with you. if you try to contact me, i will tell your wife."

[Confused4Now]

you once said you didn't think you deserved my love - well, you're absolutely right, you don't.

 

please never contact me again. i do not wish to hear from you, see you or be with you. if you try to contact me, i will tell your wife.

Way to much junk to say...I'm almost certain you've already said this to him anyway. This in bold is all you need to say. period dot!!!

[siuys]

C4N, you are right. No need for the fluff. Not that I'll send the email. I want him to suffer, to wonder what I'm thinking, doing, if I'll still be there for him if he ever feels like it. I won't give him closure. He doesn't deserve it.

[4321sn]

Sometimes idk what is worse. The anger or sadness...

The other day I wanted to tell her so badly. Although he is slowly moving now I am so angry that he has taken so long...so many promises were broken. I don't trust anything anymore..

 

It is good that you write and post here. You seem to feel better after doing so

[silverplanets]

Hi siuys,

 

I think one of the challenges of choosing to go NC, and the presumably corresponding implication that one is going to focus on one's own life , is that one begins to see with fresh eyes what one put up with during the relationship.

 

In particular, in my case, I found that the more the distane grew the more I began to see how little core decency she must have had to me as a person in order to be able to make the various decisions she made along the way.

 

And as one unravels their web of "excuses", lies, manipulations and tricks (whether deliberate or not) then one begins to come up against one core fact - they never had your best interests at heart, or even remotely so.

 

And the more clearly one sees this, imho, then the more one begins to feel a genuine anger that someone has treated you this way.

 

As the fog lifts and this clarity begins to descend then one begins to get doubly angry when they attempt to make contact. No longer can we delude ourselves that it is in any way because they care for us, instead it is harshly revealed as the self-orientated attempted "hook" that it is.

 

Also revealed is the cowardly nature of the hook (generally via no-effort email or text, rather than actually turning up to talk to you), the clever way they avoid mentioning anything about their partner until you directly ask, and the equally self centered way they go quiet if you give in (even for a second) because their need for validation is now "fed".

 

So, in a long and roundabout way, what I am trying to say is that when I read your post I think I could understand your anger and understand why you feel the need to now "stand up for yourself" and object to the way you've been treated and to make clear that it will be no more.

 

I know I wrote a lot of emails, journal notes etc over many months I realised that, in general, I wasn't really writing them to her .. I was writing them to me .... I was writing them as a way of showing to myself that I was able to stand up for myself, that i DID object to all those things that had bothered me all along and that I was unhappy about the way I was treated ... and, perhaps the hardest, that she never did love me in any of the ways that decent love is.

 

When I first wrote these things, they were what I knew and they were what I told myself, but I am not sure I really, deep down, believed them .... and over the months, the more I wrote and the more distance i put between us then the more I DID , TRULY believe them, deep down, right to the very heart of me ... and with this deep belief came the first signs of final acceptance, healing and learning to love and trust myself again.

 

I DID forward emails from my xMW to her H eventually, because she disregarded my explicit requests not to .... but I didn't to it out of anger, I did it because I loved myself enough to stand up for myself.

 

At the end of the day you have to do what you have to do to survive and to get that spirit inside you, that spark of life, to begin flickering again, no matter how feintly. Anger can be a way of doing this ... it can be a motivator .. and sometimes standing up to an opressor can be a wonderful first step to healing ....

 

It can also, though, open the door to more drama ... and you can get sucked into that .... and maybe that's not the best thing in terms of healing ...

 

As with all things we each have to do what we think is best for us. From a past 1 years NC perspective, though, I would just say that those who say that your silence speaks your position the strongest are indeed correct. A deep silence, born from a conviction/absolute knowledge that you have changed direction and are irrevocably moving, day by day, hour by hour, to your new future, resonates louder than any email, message or contact.

 

And the anger? Well it passes ... you realise one day that you had every right to be angry, you were angry and that your anger was justified. You also realise that ultimately the only one you can blame is yourself ... as you were the one who went along with the sitution .. albeit for what felt like good reasons at the time.

 

And, as you ultimately accept blame for yourself, you can also then forgive yourslelf and learn to love, trust and cherish yourself again.

 

And then ... well, that will have to wait, as the last para is where I am at currently ... and I am not sure what comes next ...

 

I have a feeling that it gets even better though :)

 

be safe and hope this helps

Chris

[jwi71]

You sent the PERFECT email just recently.

 

Why the need to KEEP CONTACT?

What do YOU hope to GAIN?

 

Answer: anger, hurt, wounded pride, sadness - miserable dark emotions that plague us. That email, however brief, satiates it. Dulls the pain like any good drug. Break FREE.

 

I said before and I'll say it again. Its a hard, lonely and painful path you MUST walk. Every HUMAN walks it. I've done it more times than I care to remember. And it sucked each and every time.

 

No magic pill. No mystical words of the ancients.

 

Just tears and tissue.

 

And ice cream. Don't forget the ice cream.

[jthorne]

Another amazing post, Chris! And yes, it does get better!

 

There's not much I can add, siuys. I am glad you are posting your thoughts here instead of sending them. Anger is normal and you will work through it. Eventually, you won't care. You'll be indifferent. I think that as long as the OP maintains NC, the AP eventually figures out that what they did was wrong and that the OP has moved through the healing process (including hating their guts) and has moved on. As long as NC continues, that is! As long as NC continues, all they can do is wonder!

 

You'll be fine.

[siuys]

silverplanets, i just want to say a quick thank you. your post makes a lot of sense, and it helps me. I will re-read it later and may pm you. I appreciate your thoughts and insights, and obviously it all comes from personal experience. I do want to get to that place where I am at peace with everything. That is it ok because it was my choice also. I know I will get there because being angry is not a way I want to live. I guess it's just a process you go through. Thanks again and I am happy you are where you are - certainly a much better place to be.

[siuys]

jwi71, I am not sending this email. I just needed to get my thoughts out there. He won't hear from me again coz I don't want to get sucked back into it. Funny thing is, I only cried once. I wish I could cry more to relieve the pressure. My challenge is not rid him from my mind, a minute at a time. I live in my head way too much, and that affects my emotions, and all aspects of life. That's also why I write here - my only relief as I think all my friends are starting to get sick of it (i don't blame them).

 

Thanks for everyone's response. It is of immense help having people to talk to, especially ones who know what I am going through.

 

Hugs

[maravilla]

I just want to say I understand how you're feeling, and yes with NC comes anger because we see how they were dragging us along with their selfishness. It is really hard but I guess I prefer anger to sadness. I guess? As long as I don't act on the anger because I don't want to hurt him, I just want to be free of him if I can't have him.

 

And I think if you sent him that you would start to feel bad for being mean to him and you would write him back and say sorry. At least if you're anything like me! So I think it's best to let things stay the way they were, he knows how you're feeling and what went down between you two so now the ball is in his court. Except it's also in your court when it comes to living your life and trying to be happy. That's what I'm trying to do right now. I can't say I'm succeeding but at least I'm trying. Best of luck.

[siuys]

Maravilla, keep going. You will be fine. There is no way I would send this email and then write him back and say sorry! NO WAY! I have nothing to apologise for.

 

The ball is in MY court because it's my life. At least so far I believe I've got bigger balls than him.

 

Maintaining NC won't be an issue for me. I know it because that is the ONLY way to get my message across in the most effective manner. Like Chris said. And if xMM contacts me again in the near future (highly likely) I would even have less respect for him because he couldn't have sorted himself out in such a short time - another reason to IGNORE! All the best, maravilla.

[East7]

 

And as one unravels their web of "excuses", lies, manipulations and tricks (whether deliberate or not) then one begins to come up against one core fact - they never had your best interests at heart, or even remotely so.

 

... and, perhaps the hardest, that she never did love me in any of the ways that decent love is.

 

 

Totally agree. I share the same feelings/perception.

[whichwayisup]

Venting out your anger is good, so keep it coming! Just don't ever send them to him, don't even put it in an email form, incase you get finger trigger happy, end up sending it.

[fooled once]

i've been dealing with anger the last couple of days since xMM sent me that sms only days after he's thrown me under the bus again. i fantasized about sending this but have not, because i believe silence probably sends the best message... i know i am not at that point yet but I need to vent... so here it is. any comments welcome. thank you all again for the support.

 

"i am no longer open to the idea of resuscitating our 'relationship'. it's been too painful and toxic.

 

your swaying etc has caused me a lot of pain, and has robbed the trust i had in you. every so often you'd tell me how great everything is, how well you're doing, only to slump back into a hopeless situation days later. it was all about you. you would flatter me when you feel good, or when you have just ended it with me, and i question that. i know my self worth, and your flattering is beginning to sound cheap.

 

i believe you started the affair for YOU, and nothing else. you didn't, and still don't know what the f*ck you're doing. i feel sorry for you.

 

you said you are sorting yourself out. well, i think that is a good thing because you really do need to. i won't be available in the future for you, as i have now crossed that 'invisible line' where i no longer want to, i no longer want to hope, no longer want pain... because indifference is starting to set in, the trust is slipping away, and i'm losing respect for you... not a good base for anything.

 

you once said you didn't think you deserved my love - well, you're absolutely right, you don't.

 

please never contact me again. i do not wish to hear from you, see you or be with you. if you try to contact me, i will tell your wife."

 

I was going to respond, until I read what Chris wrote below. So what I will say is "what he said"

 

Hi siuys,

 

I think one of the challenges of choosing to go NC, and the presumably corresponding implication that one is going to focus on one's own life , is that one begins to see with fresh eyes what one put up with during the relationship.

 

In particular, in my case, I found that the more the distane grew the more I began to see how little core decency she must have had to me as a person in order to be able to make the various decisions she made along the way.

 

And as one unravels their web of "excuses", lies, manipulations and tricks (whether deliberate or not) then one begins to come up against one core fact - they never had your best interests at heart, or even remotely so.

 

And the more clearly one sees this, imho, then the more one begins to feel a genuine anger that someone has treated you this way.

 

As the fog lifts and this clarity begins to descend then one begins to get doubly angry when they attempt to make contact. No longer can we delude ourselves that it is in any way because they care for us, instead it is harshly revealed as the self-orientated attempted "hook" that it is.

 

Also revealed is the cowardly nature of the hook (generally via no-effort email or text, rather than actually turning up to talk to you), the clever way they avoid mentioning anything about their partner until you directly ask, and the equally self centered way they go quiet if you give in (even for a second) because their need for validation is now "fed".

 

So, in a long and roundabout way, what I am trying to say is that when I read your post I think I could understand your anger and understand why you feel the need to now "stand up for yourself" and object to the way you've been treated and to make clear that it will be no more.

 

I know I wrote a lot of emails, journal notes etc over many months I realised that, in general, I wasn't really writing them to her .. I was writing them to me .... I was writing them as a way of showing to myself that I was able to stand up for myself, that i DID object to all those things that had bothered me all along and that I was unhappy about the way I was treated ... and, perhaps the hardest, that she never did love me in any of the ways that decent love is.

 

When I first wrote these things, they were what I knew and they were what I told myself, but I am not sure I really, deep down, believed them .... and over the months, the more I wrote and the more distance i put between us then the more I DID , TRULY believe them, deep down, right to the very heart of me ... and with this deep belief came the first signs of final acceptance, healing and learning to love and trust myself again.

 

I DID forward emails from my xMW to her H eventually, because she disregarded my explicit requests not to .... but I didn't to it out of anger, I did it because I loved myself enough to stand up for myself.

 

At the end of the day you have to do what you have to do to survive and to get that spirit inside you, that spark of life, to begin flickering again, no matter how feintly. Anger can be a way of doing this ... it can be a motivator .. and sometimes standing up to an opressor can be a wonderful first step to healing ....

 

It can also, though, open the door to more drama ... and you can get sucked into that .... and maybe that's not the best thing in terms of healing ...

 

As with all things we each have to do what we think is best for us. From a past 1 years NC perspective, though, I would just say that those who say that your silence speaks your position the strongest are indeed correct. A deep silence, born from a conviction/absolute knowledge that you have changed direction and are irrevocably moving, day by day, hour by hour, to your new future, resonates louder than any email, message or contact.

 

And the anger? Well it passes ... you realise one day that you had every right to be angry, you were angry and that your anger was justified. You also realise that ultimately the only one you can blame is yourself ... as you were the one who went along with the sitution .. albeit for what felt like good reasons at the time.

 

And, as you ultimately accept blame for yourself, you can also then forgive yourslelf and learn to love, trust and cherish yourself again.

 

And then ... well, that will have to wait, as the last para is where I am at currently ... and I am not sure what comes next ...

 

I have a feeling that it gets even better though :)

 

be safe and hope this helps

Chris

 

Great post Chris!

[debby]

You also realise that ultimately the only one you can blame is yourself ...

 

Great line, Chris. You can substitute blame with the act of accepting responsibility, as well. I remember when I was younger and was told that being in my terrible marriage was my fault I got defensive. I was mad that someone would blame me for marrying someone who wound up being deceptive, emotionally and verbally abusive and a chronic cheater when he hid all those things in the beginning. The person who told me that it was my "fault" was trying to get me to see that by it being my fault (for staying in that situation...allowing it to occur, etc) that I was actually being empowered. Since I was to blame, I could change things! By playing the victim (and I am not saying you are here, but I know how easy it can be to feel like a victim and fall into that role) you actually wind up giving away your control over the situation. Accepting the blame (or responsiblity) for they way things are can actually be a fantastic feeling!

[pureinheart]

jwi71, I am not sending this email. I just needed to get my thoughts out there. He won't hear from me again coz I don't want to get sucked back into it. Funny thing is, I only cried once. I wish I could cry more to relieve the pressure. My challenge is not rid him from my mind, a minute at a time. I live in my head way too much, and that affects my emotions, and all aspects of life. That's also why I write here - my only relief as I think all my friends are starting to get sick of it (i don't blame them).

 

Thanks for everyone's response. It is of immense help having people to talk to, especially ones who know what I am going through.

 

Hugs

 

Your mostlikely numb. I was and am.

 

When you wake up tomorrow morning, be happy, happy to be alive. Many people paid a heavy price for our freedom, we should thank them and appreciate their selflessness by being happy and enjoying every breath we take:) GBU

 

JW, your the best.

[siuys]

Maybe I am numb... I am not sure. I've never been in this situation so I am kinda surprised myself at how little I cry, and all things considered, not all THAT distressed. I do think about him almost all the time, and have trouble sleeping... but I guess acceptance helps move you along...

 

I am grateful for other things - my friends, my family, my health, you guys everything. So you are right. I should be happy to be alive. It could be a lot worse.