Green Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Were you attracted to them? My guess is probably not. I hung out with women alone. The only difference is they were both lesbians. The truth is I would never ask a woman out on a date unless I was romanticly attracted. Asking a woman out for dinner and drinks is a date unless its a special circumstance which this scenario described by the OP is not. I was just messign around when I said I asked women out to do alone activities with me for friendship. Seriosly if I invited a woman over to my house to do something as friendly as have a beer and watch some sports that would be kind of romantic.
USCGAviator Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 OP Sounds to me like shes been cheating on your for sometime now. And I bet the pregame conference is more like a secluded spot with the the old friend and YOUR GF. And I also think you have a hunch of what been going on but your in denial and don't want to be alone. Straighten your back out hold your head high and walk away from this. she is obviously poison to you.
sally4sara Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Interesting. So your husband regularly does stuff alone with other women? I wouldn't say it happens regularly as we usually both go, but its happened where one of us end up not being able or interested in going. Can I ask why you're so interested; this isn't a thread about me.
sumdude Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Dude, tell ya what. Change your tune radically. Calmly tell her " Look, just go. It's OK." with a kinda whatever air about you. Don't explain yourself no matter how much she pushes you. Now live your life as if you've broken up with her. Get distant, get busy, hang with your boys, go out and have fun. Especially make plans for the night she's out. Answer calls and texts maybe the next day. Flirt with other girls, see what the hell is out there like she is. Either she starts coming back or not. At least you'll have a leg up in moving on and an answer. Remember, she has to prove to YOU that she's worth it.
Green Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I wouldn't say it happens regularly as we usually both go, but its happened where one of us end up not being able or interested in going. Can I ask why you're so interested; this isn't a thread about me. Well you made it about you when you brought up the personal things from your life. Like how you claimed you had to interogate the OP because men you know are too Controlling and I wouldn't even know you had a husband unless you brought it up which YOU did.
Green Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Dude, tell ya what. Change your tune radically. Calmly tell her " Look, just go. It's OK." with a kinda whatever air about you. Don't explain yourself no matter how much she pushes you. Now live your life as if you've broken up with her. Get distant, get busy, hang with your boys, go out and have fun. Especially make plans for the night she's out. Answer calls and texts maybe the next day. Flirt with other girls, see what the hell is out there like she is. Either she starts coming back or not. At least you'll have a leg up in moving on and an answer. Remember, she has to prove to YOU that she's worth it. this advice is good other then the part about caring or even letting her prove she is worth it. She wasted a year of ur time (waste may be a strong word I'm sure you had fun atleast in the begining) but Don't go back to her. You don't even need to break up with a girl like this. Its already over really
sally4sara Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Well you made it about you when you brought up the personal things from your life. Like how you claimed you had to interogate the OP because men you know are too Controlling and I wouldn't even know you had a husband unless you brought it up which YOU did. It still doesn't explain why you're interested in how often my husband, someone who has shared nothing with you, has outings with platonic friends. I'll answer your questions; just curious why you care to know.
Green Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 It still doesn't explain why you're interested in how often my husband, someone who has shared nothing with you, has outings with platonic friends. I'll answer your questions; just curious why you care to know. Can some one explain "why" to her I havn't got the time to try again.
sally4sara Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Can some one explain "why" to her I havn't got the time to try again. Green, when its not something you want or have much tolerance for in your own relationships, its fair of me to ask why you'd care to know such a thing. To be honest, I expected you to use the info to go on some tangent about how one or both of us MUST be cheating based on what you've shared in many many threads with this theme.
Green Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 No, you're deflecting again, something that IMO you have a tendency to do in these kinds of threads. The real issue why you don't want to further discuss your own situation is that, assuming neither you nor your husband uses these opportunities for indiscretions, your husband would not put up with any nonsense by you, nor you by him, and you are aware of that. Therefore the fact that you/your husband have that level of trust, after being married and having an existing basis of trust, renders your use of your own relationship completely irrelevant, because the OP is not married to his GF and does not have a past history allowing them to build trust, the way you and your h have done. But sally you knew all that. You're a very intelligent woman. I really think it helps to be as straightforward as possible in these discussions since there is always so much left unsaid. What I don't really understand is what possible gratification anyone could get from encouraging a complete stranger on the internet to put himself or herself in a position in which he is likely going to suffer infidelity. She basicly calls the guys gf a "brat" something you call a child... then goes on to post about how if you give some one free riegns they learn boundaries magicly as if you were raising a child instead of in a romantic relationship. Then finaly she brings up the way things are with her and past bf's and current husband while explaining what the OP should do and acts all bewildered when I start asking questions. Thanks for trying to explain to her I'd be suprised if she chooses to aknowledge anything said. (I hope she doesn't she helps ilustrate how some people truely are and what should be avoided if you want a specific type of relationship as oposed to a more Open one)
sally4sara Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 She basicly calls the guys gf a "brat" something you call a child... then goes on to post about how if you give some one free riegns they learn boundaries magicly as if you were raising a child instead of in a romantic relationship. Then finaly she brings up the way things are with her and past bf's and current husband while explaining what the OP should do and acts all bewildered when I start asking questions. Thanks for trying to explain to her I'd be suprised if she chooses to aknowledge anything said. (I hope she doesn't she helps ilustrate how some people truely are and what should be avoided if you want a specific type of relationship as oposed to a more Open one) Green, I answered your question, said I'd answer more. I only asked why you wanted to know. Learn to spell, its hard to read your posts; thanks. The rest of what you shared is completely misrepresented - something you do to any reader that doesn't cheer you on 100%. I'll not take that personally. And I called her a brat because she IS acting like a selfish child. Funny how you'll get bent out of shape over something that neither bothered or confused the OP at all. I'm sorry if you've never experienced an honor bound relationship. I hope you do some day. For some reading that might help I recommend The Hagakure with a focus on the role of a retainer.
counterman Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 OP, I have been in situations where you meet the guy "friends". Let me tell you, they were some of the most uncomfortable experiences ever. I was being blocked left, right and centre, and any chance one of the guys had to emasculate me, they would take it. Also, mentioning exclusion from conversation, indirectly flirting with her, etc. You really shouldn't have to go through that. Looking back, I should have backed my own gut feeling. Sad to admit but she was using those guys to feel the void that I was leaving. But, the point is, you are uncomfortable with this, doesn't matter what could happen or what is happening. Bottom line, you're uncomfortable and that also needs to be respected. She could bring one of her friends along, but she hasn't even opted to do that. If the situations were reversed, I'm not sure she would be happy too.
carhill Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Re-reading the OP and matching it up with the OP's username, it just occurs to me that the OP is 21 years old and his GF is either 20 or 21 years old. Suddenly, things don't seem as 'serious' IMO. This is all normal behavior in this age group and how young people learn boundaries and appropriate behaviors in relationships. The school of hard knocks, as it were. I hope the OP has learned some lessons and, if this relationship doesn't work out, can utilize them going forward. Somehow, I don't think this young lady is the one he'll be bouncing babies on his knee with.
Author chuck89 Posted November 12, 2010 Author Posted November 12, 2010 Well yes, I did mention that after she called me ridiculous and flipped out and whatever that she did say another single girl was going along with her. However, originally it was just supposed to be my girlfriend and 4 of these guys so it still doesn't sit well with me, it's just fluke that this other girl is gonna go. Could have easily been her and the four guys, and for all I know another girl might not even be going along with her. Who knows. At this time tomorrow she'll be with 4 of them going for supper then on their way to a bar to have drinks while I'm MIA. I like the idea of acting like I'm cool with it but I'm pretty sure after all this time she knows I'm not. But yea, I'm just gonna make sure I'm occupied while this supper is going on and make her work for me, which she won't because she sees me as being ridiculous anyway. So I'll just distance myself and try to see life outside of her for a while anyway. carhill you're right, I'm 21 in my last year of an undergrad degree, GF is 20, I definitely know that she doesn't take us as serious as I do, but at the same time she's the one who talks about marriage, moving in together, etc. while I avoid it, so there's a ton of mixed messages. I might not know much due to my age but I know for sure not to think a relationship is gonna lead to a marriage, but I am definitely guilty of loving her a lot / taking her more on the serious side than maybe I should be.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 I like the idea of acting like I'm cool with it but I'm pretty sure after all this time she knows I'm not. But yea, I'm just gonna make sure I'm occupied while this supper is going on and make her work for me, which she won't because she sees me as being ridiculous anyway. So I'll just distance myself and try to see life outside of her for a while anyway. No... You need to tell her flat out that your not happy with it. I'd be really Draconian about this type of thing. I married a girl in the middle of college, when I was 20... we had been dating since I was about 18... and we divorced at 23. I could have had massive amounts of fun during that time... and instead I had nothing but emotional pain and turmoil. Don't make my mistake. Know when to just walk away! Don't let her run you. Stop being a permissive pansy!
Green Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Green, I answered your question, said I'd answer more. I only asked why you wanted to know. Learn to spell, its hard to read your posts; thanks. The rest of what you shared is completely misrepresented - something you do to any reader that doesn't cheer you on 100%. I'll not take that personally. And I called her a brat because she IS acting like a selfish child. Funny how you'll get bent out of shape over something that neither bothered or confused the OP at all. I'm sorry if you've never experienced an honor bound relationship. I hope you do some day. For some reading that might help I recommend The Hagakure with a focus on the role of a retainer. I wouldn't want the type of relationship you have. but to each their own. Re-reading the OP and matching it up with the OP's username, it just occurs to me that the OP is 21 years old and his GF is either 20 or 21 years old. Suddenly, things don't seem as 'serious' IMO. This is all normal behavior in this age group and how young people learn boundaries and appropriate behaviors in relationships. The school of hard knocks, as it were. I hope the OP has learned some lessons and, if this relationship doesn't work out, can utilize them going forward. Somehow, I don't think this young lady is the one he'll be bouncing babies on his knee with. Yeah I noticed that right off the bat which only makes it more likely she is cheating Well yes, I did mention that after she called me ridiculous and flipped out and whatever that she did say another single girl was going along with her. However, originally it was just supposed to be my girlfriend and 4 of these guys so it still doesn't sit well with me, it's just fluke that this other girl is gonna go. Could have easily been her and the four guys, and for all I know another girl might not even be going along with her. Who knows. At this time tomorrow she'll be with 4 of them going for supper then on their way to a bar to have drinks while I'm MIA. I like the idea of acting like I'm cool with it but I'm pretty sure after all this time she knows I'm not. But yea, I'm just gonna make sure I'm occupied while this supper is going on and make her work for me, which she won't because she sees me as being ridiculous anyway. So I'll just distance myself and try to see life outside of her for a while anyway. carhill you're right, I'm 21 in my last year of an undergrad degree, GF is 20, I definitely know that she doesn't take us as serious as I do, but at the same time she's the one who talks about marriage, moving in together, etc. while I avoid it, so there's a ton of mixed messages. I might not know much due to my age but I know for sure not to think a relationship is gonna lead to a marriage, but I am definitely guilty of loving her a lot / taking her more on the serious side than maybe I should be. I say this with the BEST of intentions GROW a PAIR and DUMP her. Show her you don't care about her. She's cheating on you 99% sure. Even if she's not cheating still dump her.
BS76 Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 (edited) i dont think she thinks for one that i would ever walk away from her, and secondly i dont think she thinks i could get anyone else And that's why you're doomed to failure. She knows she can walk all over you and you're powerless to do anything about it. The person least invested in the relationship holds all the power. I strongly suggest you make some girl...friends and hang out with them on occasion. The subtext it conveys is massive. When she's to got start wondering who you're out with when she's out with a bunch of guys, her mindset will shift into "gotta keep him" mode instead of "meh, whatever" mode. Men who have options are attractive to women, it's just how they're wired. And we value much more what we have to work for instead of what's freely given to us. Have options, be a challenge, and don't be too available or a doormat. Also, it's not her communication that's aweful, it's her behavior. NEVER judge a woman on her words, and ALWAYS judge them by their actions. Edited November 12, 2010 by BS76
sally4sara Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 I wouldn't want the type of relationship you have. but to each their own. I'm sorry; are you comfortable with it? Does it make you feel that if you don't approve her associations, she might cheat on you? I hope you will find one that won't cheat on you even if you relax about things like platonic friends.
Green Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 I'm sorry; are you comfortable with it? Does it make you feel that if you don't approve her associations, she might cheat on you? I hope you will find one that won't cheat on you even if you relax about things like platonic friends. I consider the EA's you seem to be ok with cheating. You seem to think you are so liberated because you go out to private dinners and hang out alone while having a drink at some guys house but its just not the kind of relationship or gf/wife I'd want. I recognize some people have mariages where they sleep with other people, others have mariages like yours where anything goes not for me
sally4sara Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 I consider the EA's you seem to be ok with cheating. You seem to think you are so liberated because you go out to private dinners and hang out alone while having a drink at some guys house but its just not the kind of relationship or gf/wife I'd want. I recognize some people have mariages where they sleep with other people, others have mariages like yours where anything goes not for me And as I assumed you'd do......here you are doing it. We don't have EAs. We have friends. We have no friends that are not friends to us both unless you count old school chums we haven't seen face to face in years. But if we're getting ready to go out with one of them (male) and my husband gets a call from one of his clients with a server issue, he trusts me enough to not ruin the night's plans for all three of us while he goes and fixes whatever his client needs fixed. Same with if one of our female friends comes into town and I'm not feeling well enough to go out. I'm not going to insist he not go just because OMG she's got a vagina. We don't cheat. Its not our problem if you can't not cheat if you were alone with some woman that's not your GF or your GF can't be around some other guy alone and not cheat. That's your burden to bear. Some of us have more honor than that and I hope you reach that point one day too. Its nice to have that kind of peace in your life.
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