Girlfriend going for supper with other guys

[Green]

yes I understand its my choice for how I react at the dinner. Just saying I'd never want to go out for dinner with her and four guys if we're on bad terms. She won't even talk to me now as it is anyway.

 

She dissuaded me before I voiced disapproval, just the same way shes been dissuading me from drinking with her and going to bars with her lately too.

 

So if she has been doing this all along why are you suprised. Just dump her u'll be better off especialy if you keep refusing to date women like this

[Untouchable_Fire]

yes I understand its my choice for how I react at the dinner. Just saying I'd never want to go out for dinner with her and four guys if we're on bad terms. She won't even talk to me now as it is anyway.

She dissuaded me before I voiced disapproval, just the same way shes been dissuading me from drinking with her and going to bars with her lately too.

 

Clearly she is not feeling you at the moment and is contemplating a new guy.

 

How do you plan to respond? Do you plan to just sit back and see if she cheats? Just let her control the relationship... decide to dump you or not?

 

How passive do you plan to be?

[Green]

Clearly she is not feeling you at the moment and is contemplating a new guy.

 

How do you plan to respond? Do you plan to just sit back and see if she cheats? Just let her control the relationship... decide to dump you or not?

 

How passive do you plan to be?

 

Other then the MASSIVE EGO this girl probably has she probably wants him to just go away and "dump" her but she is technicaly in the process of "dumping" him if things don't turn around.

 

Really he is being way to passive and he even wonders if he should have been more passive and said nothing and just been happy with all this

[sally4sara]

He has every right to want a gf who doesn't go out drinking with 4 guys she barely knows.

 

I'm sure his guy friends were barely know by her at some point.

 

 

 

Ahh the slippery slope argument. "you have guy friends right? Men see her every day and might find her hott right? Then whats the difference if she goes out drinking without you with 4 guys she doesn't really know???" BIG DIFFERENCE I shouldn't have to explain this to some one your age but I will.

 

I never said there was no difference; learn to read. Only that some of his concerns over these guys come into play in everyday life. I don't agree that he should get to pre-approve every guy she knows if he can see real examples in his own association of her being around other guys and nothing bad coming from it.

 

The rest, her bratty attitude and that let me know she dissuaded him before he disapproved, has me feeling he should find someone less self absorbed than this one. He still shouldn't get to police what guys should and should not be around her or make a habit out of always assuming the worst out of folks - guys or girls. That would be irrational and folks tend to disregard irrational thought, especially when its unfounded. This girl's only shot at me defending her actions was if she'd only dissuaded him from coming along AFTER he complained. She lost her shot.

[chuck89]

if it wasnt a year and 3 months i probably wouldn't be so passive. No one wants to feel rejected and obviously I'm having huge problems coming to terms with the fact that the girl I spent so much emotional time and energy on is so flighty. Just 2 nights ago she was thanking me for treating her so good and then the minute I voice a concern it's like she goes through her whole day without thinking about me one bit. SO frustrating trying to come to terms with the fact that she does not care whether we're together or not.

 

so yes, I admit i'm being passive cause its so damn hard to pull the plug, especially when i dont have a backup and its while im home working on presentations and undergrad thesis that shes out doing all this ****

[sally4sara]

Seriously if I was on here posting about how I was going out for drinks with a girl I knew in High School and her female friends. And that when my gf said she didn't like the idea I laughed at her and told her she was "RIDICULOUSE" and then stopped talking to her and was just going to go... you'd probably say I'm being a dick and really wouldn't need to know whether this was before or after I half assed invited her.

 

 

Don't assume what I'd do when you and I don't even speak the same language. You're going to come up wrong every time because you don't know how I think other than that I often think YOU behave ridiculously.

[chuck89]

I don't want to police all her friends, she has guy friends, I don't screen her texts or inbox messages, I just have a lot more respect for the guy friends she had before we were in a relationship, and not random dudes who decide theyre going to message her after not talking for 10 years and bringing all his buddies when she don't know any of them. she put herself in that situation when she easily could have avoided it. I also stated I dont even have a problem with her talking to these guys at the conference itself, I dont agree with other plans being made.

[sally4sara]

I don't want to police all her friends, she has guy friends, I don't screen her texts or inbox messages, I just have a lot more respect for the guy friends she had before we were in a relationship, and not random dudes who decide theyre going to message her after not talking for 10 years and bringing all his buddies when she don't know any of them. she put herself in that situation when she easily could have avoided it. I also stated I dont even have a problem with her talking to these guys at the conference itself, I dont agree with other plans being made.

 

I get it. we just get plenty of folks on here who withhold their own behavior and important details from what they share. I'd hate to think someone was causing most of the problems and finding support for their action from others with suspicious minds - so I ask a few things first. Thanks for sharing.

 

You are right to be upset in this and I can now rest my worries and give you fair advise. This girl isn't good enough for you.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Other then the MASSIVE EGO this girl probably has she probably wants him to just go away and "dump" her but she is technicaly in the process of "dumping" him if things don't turn around.

Really he is being way to passive and he even wonders if he should have been more passive and said nothing and just been happy with all this

 

Passive is not an attractive quality in a man.

 

The rest, her bratty attitude and that let me know she dissuaded him before he disapproved, has me feeling he should find someone less self absorbed than this one. He still shouldn't get to police what guys should and should not be around her or make a habit out of always assuming the worst out of folks - guys or girls. That would be irrational and folks tend to disregard irrational thought, especially when its unfounded. This girl's only shot at me defending her actions was if she'd only dissuaded him from coming along AFTER he complained. She lost her shot.

 

Actually... that is well within his rights as a BF. What you mean to say is that he shouldn't HAVE to police her male friends. He has the right to have boundaries.

 

My rule of thumb is this... if I have to ask her do the right thing... she isn't worth my time. I've already wasted 4 years and probably fifty grand on cheating women. I don't plan to add to that total.

 

I get it. we just get plenty of folks on here who withhold their own behavior and important details from what they share. I'd hate to think someone was causing most of the problems and finding support for their action from others with suspicious minds - so I ask a few things first. Thanks for sharing.

You are right to be upset in this and I can now rest my worries and give you fair advise. This girl isn't good enough for you.

 

Good to ask questions so as to get a better picture of the situation. It allows better advice!

 

He is being too passive. This girl plans to just walk all over him... as long as he is willing to let her.

[chuck89]

So is there an aggressive response here other than dumping?

[carhill]

Sure, I got a bucket loader and a dead calf but you want a 'sane' aggressive response, right?

 

Re-read the thread. You have received numerous options to pursue. Other than sitting back passively, nearly all of them will be perceived as aggressive and invasive by her. So, get to it. Good luck.

[Untouchable_Fire]

So is there an aggressive response here other than dumping?

 

Yes... the word No typically works. Unless your position is so degraded emotionally that you have to back it up with dumping.

 

Example: "Chuck I want to go to dinner with some other guys, I don't want you to come so I can flirt with them and hopefully line one up as a BF so I can easily dump you".... response "No. I have a fun date planned for us that evening. So No. I expect that you will choose to have a good time with me vs. guys you are not your BF."

 

I've used that particular set twice. Once it worked great. With the second girl she was already cheating... so it didn't work at all, but it did tell me she no longer value the relationship.

[tb24]

Sorry chuck, I have to agree with the majority verdict here. You're 100% correct in your worries and you deserve better. I know it will be hard, but dumping her will be the best thing you can do.

 

As I see it, the possible outcomes are:

 

-You dump her

-She cheats on you, decides she likes the other guy better and dumps you

-She cheats on you, decides she actually likes you better and stays with you

 

Either way, I wouldn't want the third option, and she'd probably do it again until she did find someone she liked more.

 

You seem like a nice genuine guy. You deserve better than her. Leave her and realise how much happier you are.

[Green]

So is there an aggressive response here other than dumping?

 

Well you really have to be willing and unafraid to DUMP some one like this.

 

Really just get stern with her. Make sure you go out with her and her "friends" drinking.

 

Personaly if my gf of 2 years told me that she had plans to go out drinking with some random guy she knew from college or HS and invited me out... I would say "No thanks and I don't want you going out with this guy for dinner and drinks either"... I doubt my gf would ASK to do such a thing but if she did that would END it. And if in some paralel universe she did want to Date me and go out with some other guy for dinner and drinks and after me telling her "I don't want you to" she argued "thats ridiculouse you are insecure ect." I would say "whats the point of having a gf if she is just going to make you feel like crap by going out on dates with other guys" I would then DUMP her if she did so.

 

And there you have it.

 

My gf has gone out to bars alone with her FEMALE friends on rare ocasion but I was always invited (and wasn't in the mood) or busy. If she EVER went to a BAR with out me being aloud to come I would be pissed and probably DUMP her.

[sally4sara]

Actually... that is well within his rights as a BF. What you mean to say is that he shouldn't HAVE to police her male friends. He has the right to have boundaries.

 

What I mean is it can help someone feel good about themselves to be in a situation where someone tries to tempt you and you get to resist - not because someone banged the stall door shut behind you, but because you had the integrity and the chance to apply it of your own free will.

 

I remember some of my GFs back in the day who had uber controlling BFs that would flip their **** the moment she looked at or mentioned some other guy's name. Their guys never gave it a chance to see if the girl had integrity or not. But as you'll have happen - they couldn't police her every moment of the day and because she'd never had the opportunity to say "no thanks; not interested. I have a BF", sometimes the girl couldn't handle the attention some guy gave them the moment their BF wasn't around to chase the other guy off. And they'd either cave or get too scared to turn the guy away.

 

Being able to choose to have integrity builds character. Being blocked from choosing can prevent someone from having that experience.

[Untouchable_Fire]

What I mean is it can help someone feel good about themselves to be in a situation where someone tries to tempt you and you get to resist - not because someone banged the stall door shut behind you, but because you had the integrity and the chance to apply it of your own free will.

I remember some of my GFs back in the day who had uber controlling BFs that would flip their **** the moment she looked at or mentioned some other guy's name. Their guys never gave it a chance to see if the girl had integrity or not. But as you'll have happen - they couldn't police her every moment of the day and because she'd never had the opportunity to say "no thanks; not interested. I have a BF", sometimes the girl couldn't handle the attention some guy gave them the moment their BF wasn't around to chase the other guy off. And they'd either cave or get too scared to turn the guy away.

Being able to choose to have integrity builds character. Being blocked from choosing can prevent someone from having that experience.

 

I get what your saying... but if you don't have integrity you should not be dating anyone. I understand that at some level it takes some experience to learn how to deal with these types of situations.

 

You can't blame the guy for not giving his GF the chance to cheat. That's silly. Those girls would cave or not turn the other guy away because they wanted to cheat. Otherwise the cheating would be rape. Right?

 

I don't have to try and get women to proposition me while I'm in a relationship just so I can learn to turn them down. I also know that by simply putting myself into some situations it's disrespectful to my GF... (who I might actually ).

[sally4sara]

I get what your saying... but if you don't have integrity you should not be dating anyone. I understand that at some level it takes some experience to learn how to deal with these types of situations.

 

You can't blame the guy for not giving his GF the chance to cheat. That's silly. Those girls would cave or not turn the other guy away because they wanted to cheat. Otherwise the cheating would be rape. Right?

 

I don't have to try and get women to proposition me while I'm in a relationship just so I can learn to turn them down. I also know that by simply putting myself into some situations it's disrespectful to my GF... (who I might actually ).

 

It is a risk to take or not. I give a free reign to who I dated and now my husband. If they cheated or he ends up cheating - I didn't lose anything I want to keep around.

 

And no, it wouldn't be rape in textbook standards. It probably had much to do with the age group I noticed this in. Probably none of us should have been dating for how young and stupid were were sometimes! But when you're an inexperienced young girl (or guy) it can be hard to not freeze up and just let something happen. I suspected some of it had to do with how overly aggressive some of my female friends BFs were. They'd been trained to be told what to do and barred from choosing. So along comes another aggressive guy and they sometimes just followed the pattern in their own relationship.

 

I didn't deal much with the same dynamic. I'd been in some nasty fights and most guys with an aim to control or push me into affection steered clear. They knew I owned guns and how to use them.

Funny thing is, with trust and love involved - I'm most comfortable in a slightly submissive, somewhat traditional role (NO not talking about S&M here) within the relationship. Outside however, we're a team not many dare cross.

And he'd not sweat one bit over me and some guy going out to eat or whatever other social outing without him coming along. He knows I'll turn them down and take a chunk out of them in the process if they push it.

[Green]

It is a risk to take or not. I give a free reign to who I dated and now my husband. If they cheated or he ends up cheating - I didn't lose anything I want to keep around.

 

And no, it wouldn't be rape in textbook standards. It probably had much to do with the age group I noticed this in. Probably none of us should have been dating for how young and stupid were were sometimes! But when you're an inexperienced young girl (or guy) it can be hard to not freeze up and just let something happen. I suspected some of it had to do with how overly aggressive some of my female friends BFs were. They'd been trained to be told what to do and barred from choosing. So along comes another aggressive guy and they sometimes just followed the pattern in their own relationship.

 

I didn't deal much with the same dynamic. I'd been in some nasty fights and most guys with an aim to control or push me into affection steered clear. They knew I owned guns and how to use them.

Funny thing is, with trust and love involved - I'm most comfortable in a slightly submissive, somewhat traditional role (NO not talking about S&M here) within the relationship. Outside however, we're a team not many dare cross.

And he'd not sweat one bit over me and some guy going out to eat or whatever other social outing without him coming along. He knows I'll turn them down and take a chunk out of them in the process if they push it.

 

So you're married and see nothing wrong with you going out to a private night of dinner and drinks with a guy you knew years before you met your husband?

[tb24]

If she EVER went to a BAR with out me being aloud to come I would be pissed and probably DUMP her.

 

Really? Wow. That's incredibly untrusting of you. I'd have no problem with her going out with a bunch of people I knew. Especially if most of them were girls. My ex went out on girls nights out every so often with her friends, I honestly don't see the problem with it.

[sally4sara]

So you're married and see nothing wrong with you going out to a private night of dinner and drinks with a guy you knew years before you met your husband?

 

Nope and neither does he. He gets the same privileges too. We never insist the other doesn't come along. It just doesn't always workout that we can both go due to one of us wanting or needing to be elsewhere. And it isn't just for people we've known a long time but anyone we think might end up being a good friend.

[Green]

Nope and neither does he. He gets the same privileges too. We never insist the other doesn't come along. It just doesn't always workout that we can both go due to one of us wanting or needing to be elsewhere. And it isn't just for people we've known a long time but anyone we think might end up being a good friend.

 

Interesting. So your husband regularly does stuff alone with other women?

[Mad Max]

This is unacceptable. No guys does out somewhere alone with a woman with a hope of simple friendship.

[USCGAviator]

Better to feel this way while shes a GF and not a wife. Cut your losses man

[Green]

This is unacceptable. No guys does out somewhere alone with a woman with a hope of simple friendship.

 

I did all the time. When I was single I would reach out to girls I hadn't seen in years and ask them out to dinner and drinks in hopes of rekindling a great friendship...

[Mad Max]

I did all the time. When I was single I would reach out to girls I hadn't seen in years and ask them out to dinner and drinks in hopes of rekindling a great friendship...

 

 

Were you attracted to them? My guess is probably not. I hung out with women alone. The only difference is they were both lesbians.