Closer Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Hi there, I'll try and keep it brief Been with my partner for nearly four years. We're 15 years apart but both well into adulthood. He's older. We've been through a few major events: health scares, deaths in the family, job loss etc etc and have gotten through it together. However, I'm concerned about these few things: - he's hopeless with money and forward planning with finances which is why, a year later, we're still stuck at his parents' place - he chooses the most trivial things to get angry about and often times I have no idea I've done anything. (n.b. this happens occasionally) - We'll agree to big life plans but nothing comes of it on his end. I'm keen to actually start experiencing the things we planned if it means finding a higher paid job I hate, but he can't seem to get past our bedroom door. - He's less open to my affections (we barely kiss, cuddle) claiming I choose the wrong time. In my defense I've tried times he's not busy but that doesn't make a difference. When I make it clear I'm frustrated with him about this, he tries to make up for it with a cuddle. But that's not good enough to me. - We went from having sex weekly to every month to two months. - Same bed as before, but we're finding it physically impractical to sleep together. I end up getting woken up every hour because he's turned into a restless snorer in the last five months. If I try to talk to him about this stuff, he immediately thinks I'm blaming him for everything in my life that's gone wrong. His mom and dad have openly said to me they're tired of him wasting time and spending his money on material things he doesn't need when he could be saving it for a rental or a deposit on a house. I don't know what this is exactly, but for a while I've been dancing around with the idea of just going back home and starting over. Suggestions? Advice? Thanks
phillyfan Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 4 yr itch? Thats one serious STD you have there
mitchell Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 I hate to be blunt, but after doing the math, it would appear that your husband is at least in his 30's. The fact that the two of you have been married for 4 years and are living with his parents speaks volumes. Does he work? Do you work? Any children?? This doesn't sound like much of a man or much of a marriage. Either the two of you get your act together and get out on your own, or you should just get divorced and move on.
Author Closer Posted November 11, 2010 Author Posted November 11, 2010 Hi there, thanks for the reply. We're not married, don't have kids and he works full time, while I quit my job a few months ago due to issues with the company. I'm currently applying for anything and everything just to get back on my feet, but nothing's coming out of it which is prob not helping this situation either. We moved to his parents place last year because we were saving for a house. At the time, he was on a role - depositing his wages into a savings account every week like me so we ended up with a nice deposit for a house. At the last minute, the deal fell through and so did our deposit. We were both devastated. We came up with the plan of just working our butts off, saving up some cash and finding our own place to live/work in an awesome little town we discovered while on vacation ages ago. Despite not working now, I'm doing my best to rectify my situation: I don't go out anymore because I don't want to waste money on petrol etc; I sell things I've either made, restored or don't use anymore for cash; and of course, I've been applying for every job possible for months but with no luck. Meanwhile, from what I'm seeing, he spends his money (which is good pay) on things he doesn't need, like another DVD player or video camera he has yet to use. I know he has a tax bill to pay but that just doesn't seem to occur to him. I feel like I'm the only one making the effort here. The only one with a brain! Sure I've tried explaining this to him (not the brain part..), but he always immediately goes into defense mode and closes up. Or he tells me to relax and everything will work out, that I'm just stressing myself. I feel I've waited long enough for him to get his act together, but don't know whether to give him a wake up call and spell it out or just leave.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I hate to be blunt, but after doing the math, it would appear that your husband is at least in his 30's. The fact that the two of you have been married for 4 years and are living with his parents speaks volumes. Hope he's older than early 30's or, based on their age difference, she's 15-18 years old ! Closer, it's easy for us as outsiders to have a fairly detached view of your situation. And from where I sit, it appears that you're living with an emotionally adolescent and irresposible middle-aged man in his parents house. As Mitchell said, that pretty much tells you everything you need to know. So even though he doesn't seem prepared or interested in getting on with his life, were I you, I start getting on with mine... Mr. Lucky
Schism Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 So even though he doesn't seem prepared or interested in getting on with his life, were I you, I start getting on with mine... I concur. You have deeper issues than just money woes. Imagine what it would be like to live with a responsible, attentive, loving man? Better? That's the kind of man you want a LTR with. Now go home and find some work. BTW... in the US, real estate deals that fall through where you lose your large deposit are generally not common and echo irresponsibility overtones. Don't make that mistake again. lol! Good luck to you!
Author Closer Posted November 12, 2010 Author Posted November 12, 2010 Hi everyone, Well I tried one last time to discuss my concerns with him and like a man-child he threw a tantrum last night. That's the finish. His parents are really concerned for me leaving, but respect my decision. I'm making arrangements to fly home soon. Just have to organize all my junk... Thanks to everyone here who gave me the objective advice I was looking for. I really appreciate you guys taking the time to post Closer
Mr. Lucky Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Keep your head up and keep posting, let us know what's going on. Are you ready for the inevitable "take me back" discussion? Mr. Lucky
Author Closer Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 Re: take me back discussion Not exactly... what's the best approach to that? I've never had that kind of discussion before :s He hasn't spoken to me as yet since I put made my planned exit announcement. He's been trying to avoid the situation, however I got a note from him a few hours ago saying he was working and would be home later. I assume this would be the take me back discussion?
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