spice4life Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 (edited) This is an excellent thread and I am sorry I missed it some how. I would like to add one if I may. (insert letter...lol. not sure what the next one is). In most cases the A never gets past the "honeymoon lusty chemical" phase of the relationship and it becomes an addiction. When they break NC they are looking for a "fix" of those "feel good" chemicals. Once the "fix" is satisfied, then everything goes back to the way it was before NC was established. This also explains the roller coaster ride during the A. On the upswing the need to connect is intense and they become exremely fliirtatious. Once they get their "fix" the down hill journey begins - hence the up and down dynamic in almost every A. Edited December 1, 2010 by spice4life
2sure Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Recently and for the second time I have been told that my ex serial cheating husband has contacted former other women but has told them he is still married. LOL. Figure that one out.
Author East7 Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 (edited) This is an excellent thread and I am sorry I missed it some how. I would like to add one if I may. (insert letter...lol. not sure what the next one is). In most cases the A never gets past the "honeymoon lusty chemical" phase of the relationship and it becomes an addiction. True! (I think there is a typo : did you mean Affair partner AP ?) When they break NC they are looking for a "fix" of those "feel good" chemicals. Once the "fix" is satisfied, then everything goes back to the way it was before NC was established. This also explains the roller coaster ride during the A. On the upswing the need to connect is intense and they become exremely fliirtatious. Once they get their "fix" the down hill journey begins - hence the up and down dynamic in almost every A. This is so true as well. It happened with MW each time she came back it was very flirtatious at the beginning and then it went downhill and going NC again. It was a crazy roller-coaster. Recently and for the second time I have been told that my ex serial cheating husband has contacted former other women but has told them he is still married. LOL. Figure that one out. LOL Poor OWs... I figure what he says "I still love you but I'm sorry I'm married, my wife refused to divorce.." Edited December 1, 2010 by East7
spice4life Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Recently and for the second time I have been told that my ex serial cheating husband has contacted former other women but has told them he is still married. LOL. Figure that one out. Ahhh...see, he is addicted to those lusty feel good chemicals so he uses the "I'm married" to make sure it stays in the initial "honeymoon" phase. He's addicted for sure...wow.
spice4life Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 True! (I think there is a typo : did you mean Affair partner AP ?) I was referring to the affair itself but I see your point, so how about this: A/AP. (A = Affair) The reason I say affair is because I think we as OW/OM's get caught up in that addiction too durning the course of the affair. I think that might be why it's soooo hard for us to break free. Thoughts?
Author East7 Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 I was referring to the affair itself but I see your point, so how about this: A/AP. (A = Affair) The reason I say affair is because I think we as OW/OM's get caught up in that addiction too during the course of the affair. I think that might be why it's soooo hard for us to break free. Thoughts? There is a mutual addiction, I admit, though I was growing tired in time and becoming distant (like most of OM/OW). I was gradually making-up my mind to break-up. Imagine you have a balance with Love on one side and frustration on the other. At the beginning Love overweights the Frustration, but with time Frustration overweights Love. You realize that you are in a unhappy, toxic, no-future relationship. NC helps everyone to have a deep insight of the whole A. You realize that the A is bringing more frustration and pain than happiness.
half_ofa_heart Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 There is a mutual addiction, I admit, though I was growing tired in time and becoming distant (like most of OM/OW). I was gradually making-up my mind to break-up. Imagine you have a balance with Love on one side and frustration on the other. At the beginning Love overweights the Frustration, but with time Frustration overweights Love. You realize that you are in a unhappy, toxic, no-future relationship. NC helps everyone to have a deep insight of the whole A. You realize that the A is bringing more frustration and pain than happiness. WOW! Best analogy I've seen yet.
spice4life Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 There is a mutual addiction, I admit, though I was growing tired in time and becoming distant (like most of OM/OW). I was gradually making-up my mind to break-up. Imagine you have a balance with Love on one side and frustration on the other. At the beginning Love overweights the Frustration, but with time Frustration overweights Love. You realize that you are in a unhappy, toxic, no-future relationship. NC helps everyone to have a deep insight of the whole A. You realize that the A is bringing more frustration and pain than happiness. That is the exact same thing that happened to me. Over time and several NC periods I grew more and more distant due to the frustration out weighing the good feelings. An unhappy, toxic, no future relationship describes it perfectly. Who needs that right?
Heather1 Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 ... another sobering thought is that if they don't truly care for you and your best interests right at the start of the relationship then why on earth would they do so at any future time in the relationship .... My A started at a time I was THE MOST vulnerable, and he knew it. I hope you're right about the person who initiates NC has the power. I felt backed into a corner & if I didn't do it I was giving him the A OK to walk all over me throughout the holidays. His silence, to me, means he couldn't give a S. I didn't look at it as he's doing the best thing for me? It's all as confusing as hell & I'm still in a bad mood, going through withdrawl symptoms....9 days & counting, initiated by ME!!!
phillyfan Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 NC break has been treated as part of some posts in each individual experience, but I would like to summarize the topic as the reasons Why do they break NC, are ALL the same. All contributions are welcome In 99% of cases actually NC break is not because they want us back, not because they are divorcing and coming with a plan. A - Need to check if you are there. Plain curiosity. NC creates a void and they wonder what we are doing, how we are feeling, a kind of unhealthy curiosity. Their motivation for contact is nothing else but making a check of the situation : are we hurting or are we happy going out and having fun ? B - Need to validate that we still love them. Many of Ex-es come with nice words "I still love you-s, I miss you-s". Despite the fact that sometimes it is true in a lower degree, that is merely a kind of TEST to expect the same answer, to VALIDATE that we still are longing for them - to validate that we can still be a back-up plan. BTW, "I love you-s " without actions means nothing but it impact us deeply. C - Guilt. Whatever we might think they always feel guilty for dumping. They would say "Are you ok? Just wanted to check you are doing well." (I had this kind of message at the very first days of NC) While it sounds nice that they care about us, it doesn't mean anything else than guilt. Guilt is not love ! They do it for themselves not for compassion ! All they do is to ease their conscience from that weight of having hurt someone. D - When positive response, they withdraw This is related to -B-. I have noticed in my own experience and other posts that : if we positively answer "I love you too" they strangely withdraw and become much less lovely. Why? Because (B) they tested us and had positive feedback, no more challenge needed, they know we are there wanting them. This is the best way to rub it in to our feelings, because it causes deceit and ruins all the work done with NC. It also confirms that their goal was not resuming anything. E - "Let's be friends" trap - Another way of being under their wings. For having experienced this, "let's be friends" is a typical cake-eater proposal. I was like WTF, how can we be friends ? She said: because I want you in my life, we can't be lovers and I don't want to ruin our friendship. I realized that this was like offering some crumbs for not being able to offer the main dish. Motivated by guilt © it is a way to offer a second-class seat in the plane, among other wussy Ex-es that accepted to become "friends". Actually accepting it is a huge self-denial and the best way for them to loose any bit of respect they still have for us. It's accepting to be under their wings no matter how they treat us. F - Coming back and forth breaking NC = They don't know what they want. In my experience, mixed signals is always a Red Flag. When we are sure about our feelings we have consistency, we know what we want and stick with it. At best, they don't know what they want, they want both BS and us. At worst, it summarizes all points here above : A-E. This is a HUGE time waste, because each time they come back and forth without offering much else than "Hello, how are you doing" it keeps nurturing false hopes, preventing us to move on. Dude, its because they want a shag and theyll sniff around until they get one. Even better if the affair is kinda technically 'over', cos then he doesnt even have to pretend hes planning to leave his wife 4 u.
secretlady76 Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Hello East7, I don't think it really matters why someone breaks NC. All you need to do is put yourselves into their shoes and imagine yourself treating someone the way they are treating you. Why would you treat someone like that? Normally because you don't know how you feel, you're feeling low, confused, you don't want too much from them, just enough to keep the fire burning, just enough to keep them hanging on just in case. Hell, you don't give a toss about them that much, because if you you did, you certainly wouldn't treat them like this....on the other hand if you didn't care about them at all, you'd probably just tell them to p*** off. Either way, it's nasty, it's dangerous and it's hurtful. Not the type of person one wants to invest too much time on!!!
Author East7 Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 Dude, its because they want a shag and theyll sniff around until they get one. Even better if the affair is kinda technically 'over', cos then he doesnt even have to pretend hes planning to leave his wife 4 u. True, another reason ! Hello East7, I don't think it really matters why someone breaks NC. All you need to do is put yourselves into their shoes and imagine yourself treating someone the way they are treating you. Why would you treat someone like that? Normally because you don't know how you feel, you're feeling low, confused, you don't want too much from them, just enough to keep the fire burning, just enough to keep them hanging on just in case. Hell, you don't give a toss about them that much, because if you you did, you certainly wouldn't treat them like this....on the other hand if you didn't care about them at all, you'd probably just tell them to p*** off. Either way, it's nasty, it's dangerous and it's hurtful. Not the type of person one wants to invest too much time on!!! That's valid too. This validates all what is said above, when the NC is broken from the MAP/WS in 99% cases it is for selfish reasons.
Recommended Posts