jenniferlm Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Seriously. 8 out of the past ten people I've dated have either married or entered into serious commited relationships with the VERY next person they dated. All of these people had told me that they just weren't "ready" for a serious relationship, or that they just didn't have any feelings of "love" for me, or that I wasn't the type of person they can love, respect, trust, etc. A bit of background. I have been in the adult industry (as a dancer and fetish model) for a number of years. A good friend of mine has told me that it's unrealistic of me to expect anyone to find me marriage material...except that she is in the same boat as me ....and is married nonetheless. I don't really drink that much, don't party at all really. I'm no wild child, at least not in my opinion. I'm not perfect, and I have some insecurities. But doesn't everyone? I don't have a high level of education, but I'm no dummy. I have bad credit...this bothered a couple boyfriends and was a factor in those breakups I believe. My question is this: Am I wrong to expect someone to take me seriously? Obviously it's not the fact that these men don't want relationships or marriage it's that they don't want them with ME. The last boyfriend I had we dated/knew eachother for three years. He had NO interest in having a serious relationship or marrying me, saying that his job in the military took him away too much and that he just didn't see us being able to spend much time together in order to "really fall in love and be together" and he didn't want to waste my time or his anymore. We had a two year old at the time! He dates someone for FIVE months after we break up...and proposed. AND has changed things with his job to be closer to her, etc. Something that never happened to me. I waited through TWO deployments with this person. TWO. And two months after he comes back he tells me....it's over. Even though I was the ONLY girlfriend he ever had that stuck by him through the deployments and didn't break up with him. Sooo what could I be doing wrong? I asked one of my exes I am still buddies with, and he said, nothing. And told me that our break up was a deficiency in HIM and not me. He said he was serious and he wanted me to know that. But it still doesn't change the facts. There is obviously some things I am doing wrong or need to change...as 8 out of 10 speaks for itself. I'm like the female version of good luck Chuck for god's sake.
musemaj11 Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 If you had average or high level of education and you are healthy financially, would you consider marrying a guy with low level of education and bad financial history? Dont hold others to a different standard than what you hold for yourself.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 My question is this: Am I wrong to expect someone to take me seriously? Obviously it's not the fact that these men don't want relationships or marriage it's that they don't want them with ME. Sooo what could I be doing wrong? I asked one of my exes I am still buddies with, and he said, nothing. And told me that our break up was a deficiency in HIM and not me. He said he was serious and he wanted me to know that. But it still doesn't change the facts. There is obviously some things I am doing wrong or need to change...as 8 out of 10 speaks for itself. I'm like the female version of good luck Chuck for god's sake. Without knowing you I can't say for sure if your doing something wrong or not. I can say that you don't break up with someone you care about based on bad credit! So chances are those guys just were not feeling it... or something. It might be that you keep running into guys that don't feel ready to settle down... but you put the idea into their head. It's only after you that it actually sinks in...? Or... there are just lots of guys that can't tell a good thing when they have it. I can't say when... but I believe a guy will decide you are what he wants someday. Be yourself until then.
Titania22 Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 but I believe a guy will decide you are what he wants someday. That's such a lovely thing to say to her.
Author jenniferlm Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 If you had average or high level of education and you are healthy financially, would you consider marrying a guy with low level of education and bad financial history? Dont hold others to a different standard than what you hold for yourself. I think you may have a bit of a point...as most of the people I date have a higher level of education than myself and an established career. TBH, the thought has crossed my mind before to start dating people who were more to my level in education and income. BUT I've dated plenty of poor guys who also married the next girl they met.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 I think you may have a bit of a point...as most of the people I date have a higher level of education than myself and an established career. TBH, the thought has crossed my mind before to start dating people who were more to my level in education and income. BUT I've dated plenty of poor guys who also married the next girl they met. Bah! Those things rarely are dealbreakers to a guy. Most guys don't can see right through an education or lack thereof to tell if you are smart. Also a guy with a career won't worry about what you plan to do unless your crazy with money. These are red herrings. Do you talk to them about your expectations for the relationships future?
Author jenniferlm Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 Do you talk to them about your expectations for the relationships future? Well, no I can't say that I do, especially not at first. I always figured that this would come off as some sort of ultimadum. how does one bring something like this up without sounding pushy or overly needy?
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Well, no I can't say that I do, especially not at first. I always figured that this would come off as some sort of ultimadum. how does one bring something like this up without sounding pushy or overly needy? You frame it as a positive. You tell the guy that you wouldn't even consider dating him if you could not see yourself potentially marrying him. Or maybe say it in a more general sense. How do you handle explaining your previous work in the adult industry?
Author jenniferlm Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 You frame it as a positive. You tell the guy that you wouldn't even consider dating him if you could not see yourself potentially marrying him. Or maybe say it in a more general sense. How do you handle explaining your previous work in the adult industry? Wow...that seems like something that would be hard to bring up in conversation. But...I'll definitely try it. I'm pretty honest with people about what I do for a living usually. I just tell people what I do when they ask me when they meet me. I try to be pretty matter of fact about it. It's just a job to me and not a lifestyle. I try to convey that. My last Bf had huge issues with it, so I quit. When I wasn't able to get a very high paying job he broke up with me two weeks after having a conversation with me about my lack of finances and a good paying job. lol! So I kinda took it as a hint. It was the only time I'd ever quit my job for someone, and I really regret it! I'm only just now "starting" to recover financially after being back at work in the months since we've broken up. I DO think though, that my job may be something that keeps people from wanting to take me seriously, and frankly...I'm at a loss at how to prevent this and would appreciate any suggestions.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Wow...that seems like something that would be hard to bring up in conversation. But...I'll definitely try it. I'm pretty honest with people about what I do for a living usually. I just tell people what I do when they ask me when they meet me. I try to be pretty matter of fact about it. It's just a job to me and not a lifestyle. I try to convey that. My last Bf had huge issues with it, so I quit. When I wasn't able to get a very high paying job he broke up with me two weeks after having a conversation with me about my lack of finances and a good paying job. lol! So I kinda took it as a hint. It was the only time I'd ever quit my job for someone, and I really regret it! I'm only just now "starting" to recover financially after being back at work in the months since we've broken up. I DO think though, that my job may be something that keeps people from wanting to take me seriously, and frankly...I'm at a loss at how to prevent this and would appreciate any suggestions. Depending on what you do... I'm actually the type of guy that might struggle with that. Not that it would make me insecure... it's just that doesn't really fit what I'm looking for in a woman. I'd say your going to have to be fairly selective in the personality types of the guys you date. If the job is something you enjoy... find a guy who enjoys you doing it. There are plenty out there. I'm not sure exactly how to identify them... maybe do the standard make the guy wait for a while before getting to physical. That's usually solid advice for weeding out guys who won't take you serious.
Author jenniferlm Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 Depending on what you do... I'm actually the type of guy that might struggle with that. Not that it would make me insecure... it's just that doesn't really fit what I'm looking for in a woman. I'd say your going to have to be fairly selective in the personality types of the guys you date. If the job is something you enjoy... find a guy who enjoys you doing it. There are plenty out there. I'm not sure exactly how to identify them... maybe do the standard make the guy wait for a while before getting to physical. That's usually solid advice for weeding out guys who won't take you serious. My last BF waited but said it only made him want to play the game some more. I think the key may be in finding someone who truly doesn't mind...which may be kinda hard! BUT...it would certainly put me more on the right track than I have been lately. Some people SAY they don't mind when in fact they really would though. What about it wouldn't "fit" in what you are looking for? Perhaps I should just look for someone who is "looking" for the opposite?
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 My last BF waited but said it only made him want to play the game some more. I think the key may be in finding someone who truly doesn't mind...which may be kinda hard! BUT...it would certainly put me more on the right track than I have been lately. Some people SAY they don't mind when in fact they really would though. What about it wouldn't "fit" in what you are looking for? Perhaps I should just look for someone who is "looking" for the opposite? If I were the type of guy who was willing to date a woman with no intention of ever going to the next level.... then I wouldn't mind. However, it would bug me to explain to my friends and family what my wife did for a living. Also I would have the feeling that I had to share her with others. Again... this is highly dependent on what we are talking about. Lingerie modeling is different from stripping is different from adult movies... ect. It's probably best you don't say what type of work you do on this forum. The more anonymous everyone is the better. So... your correct. Lots of guys either just lie about it not bothering them because they don't have long term plans for you... or they really don't have an issue but one develops as they become emotionally attached. I know for sure there are lots of guys who won't mind though. I'm just struggling to think of a way to easily identify them.
Author jenniferlm Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 If I were the type of guy who was willing to date a woman with no intention of ever going to the next level.... then I wouldn't mind. However, it would bug me to explain to my friends and family what my wife did for a living. Also I would have the feeling that I had to share her with others. Again... this is highly dependent on what we are talking about. Lingerie modeling is different from stripping is different from adult movies... ect. It's probably best you don't say what type of work you do on this forum. The more anonymous everyone is the better. . Well I pretty much said it...dancing and fetish modeling. Nothing sexual at all. But....that's just what I've been comfy with. A man's comfort level could be quite different than mine! You did say it would bother you to mention it to your family. Perhaps I should find someone who would be willing to be as honest with their family as I am with mine! It certainly would go a long way towards someone proving that they "really" don't mind the job. Also, the feeling of sharing me with others...I think that this is an issue with some as well. Perhaps when I'm being so upfront about not wanting to date someone unless I could see myself marrying them I could ask them how they feel about this as well. Why not. Being blunt may not give them any time to come up with some bs story.
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