Perplexed81 Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Would sending by regular mail my ex fiancee's soon to be 8 year old daughter a bday card and toy money be considered breaking no contact with the ex? I posted a while back but didn't get many responses and the time is comming up next week and wanted to get as much feed back as possible. Quick background: We were scheduled to be married October 22, broke up September 13, she broke up with me because of how I acted when I didn't get my way and 2 because she hated me playing poker online (and before ask, no, we never bad on money and everything was always paid on time, just her personal preference). We are both 29 dated 2 years lived together 1.5 years. After the breakup she told a friend that things could have been worked out easily but because of the way I behaved during the breakup that now that's the reason we aren't going to get back together. Also she mentioned she started pulling away 6 months prior, yet that's when we got engaged. Who keeps making wedding plans up until a month before when they were supposably by then emotionally detached? Those 3 things don't make any sense. Post breakup 2 weeks no contact, after 2 weeks I initiated contact, send flowers which she accepted, tried for a second chance with no luck and have been in no contact since then. Her daughter has been calling me dad for about a year and I had planned on adopting her after the wedding and doesn't know her real dad. Its been officially 18 days no contact, last contact was via text message, we haven't seen each other or spoke on the phone in 2 months on nov 13, only contact the entire time has been via text messages. I would really appreciate all input since I don't want her feeling bad for not getting anything from me for her bday but at same time I've gone this long already with no contact from the ex.
PegNosePete Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 If you're not going to be a part of her daughter's life any more then I see no reason to string her along with cards and gifts.
Author Perplexed81 Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 Well thats the thing, I DON'T know how things will work out and since its fresh I thought it would be kind of mean not to send her something. The reason I say that I DON'T know is becuase she is still 2 months later taking my own daughter to school everyday.
Capital P Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 I think you know that this is still contact. Anything that shows intent from your side is contact. This shows that you are thinking of her and still have feelings. You cant do that if you want her back. And stop texting her, that is also contact. NO contact
Author Perplexed81 Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 Of course I still have feelings for her and I have been in no contact, since that last convo we had via text messages I've done just that. I'm not trying to convince everyone else to tell me its OK but that I've had mixed advice as to what to do. Some people say don't do it and some people tell me that the child shouldn't be punished for our breakup and that it would be a mature thing to do by sending her child a card, especially becuase of how close me and the child got. I'm not sitting around for a reconciliation, i'm going along with my life I just didn't know if by sending her a b-day card while remaining no contact with the ex would be fine, but I understand, i guess no contact means no contact at all even with people associated to her.
Author Perplexed81 Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 Also I want to add that also the day of the breakup when her daughter contacted me via text message begging me to come back I responded very kindly to her. Later that night I text the ex telling her that it was unfair for her daughter to have contact with me becuase of the breakup and the ex was extremely upset that I wanted to cut contact with her daughter and expressed her feelings that if I really saw her daughter as my own that I would not have done that. She also said that I would not have done that to my own daughter which is same age as her's in this situation. Another tidbit to take into account.
PegNosePete Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Seems to me that your ex is being manipulative. She's using her daughter to (try to) prevent you NC'ing her. Fact is that if you're not going to reconcile, it isn't fair on the daughter to string her along. If she's getting gifts and cards then she will surely think that you're still going to be a part of her life, which if you're NC with her mother, you aren't. If you're not going to be part of the family then her daughter had better get used to that, and that starts by not expecting birthday gifts. She shouldn't be taking your daughter to school either, for the same reasons. If you're not going to be part of each other's lives, then you have to cut the ties.
Author Perplexed81 Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 Thanks for the response. That brings me to my point, don't get me wrong, if this were a cut and dry situation I wouldn't be bothering with this at all. With every situation we all know that its just not cut and dry. I don't know if we are going to reconcile, had this been a fling or even a short term relationship it would have been a no brainer. Its a bigger web than that, 2 year relationship, plans to adopt her daughter, her family and my family know each other very well, we both live in a small town so running in to each at wal-mart or 1 of the 2 restaurants to eat is inevitable. Also she still takes my daughter to school becuase prior to breaking, my daughter was enrolled in the same school as her daughter in a city about 30 miles away also in the same city where ex works. Also since my baby's momma arranged her work schedule around the arragment that she'd be taking her to school everyday she thought it would be unfair for them to mess their entire schedules up becuase of our sudden breakup. My situation at the moment is i've been in no contact, going on with my life and just rolling with the punches. I'm giving it 6 months, if after 6 months i don't hear from her or it remains as is then by then I would have already moved on and lost nothing had I just been waiting around. My theory is she's bitter becuase of the breakup, she's bitter becuase of my stance on her daughter not contacting me and just all around upset with how it all went down. I don't believe much of her reasoning behind her breaking it off becuase it just DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. 1. You don't keep making plans for a wedding up until 1. month prior when you (supposably were pulling away 6 months prior) 2. If things could have been easily worked out post breakup like she says, then why blame it on the way I took the breakup and not the reason we broke up in the first place? Not to mention, her family and friends are out money because of this because of the money they spent on plane tickets, hotel reservations, taking vacation time out for the wedding. And even if she does get an inkling to reconcile that alot of people who were drug through the mud becuase of the breakup would look at her negatively becuase of it, not to mention the obvious ex-bashing that most women do post breakup. I want to show her i'm a bigger person regardless of what's happened between us to her daughter and hopefully she'll see that people do change and its not all bad. Not to mention I do care for her daughter very much and DID see her as one of my own.
brown03 Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 No I do not agree with these guy's on this one. I know 100% that if you do not give the daugter something it will upset both of them. You can not play with someone feeling's like that. Common guy's there is a point in time where NC is bull*****. The daughter love's him so much enough to ask him to come back she is young and doesn't have a father for frig sake's. The mother is not going to pull away from him just because he gave her a present if anything it is going to make her realize that family is very important to him even thou they aren't together. I promise you if you do not give that little girl something for her birthday or at least make it a point to try and see her she will be upset. The little girl has no clue what NC means and why you are doing it so to her it is abandonment and it could affect her feeling's toward's you. To a women one of the biggest thing's is her children and the love that this child has for you play's a huge part in the second chance. And being how close you were to that child and how little time it has been if you do not do something for her birthday I promise the mother will not be happy. Because the kid is going to ask why didn't he call,give a present say happy birthday. And she is going to be like you hurt my kid's feelings and that is going to be a bigger obstacle to over come than some gambling problem or attitude issue. You can continue NC by simply going to her school and giving her the present. If you give something to the little girl for her BIRTHDAY it doesn't mean ****. My step dad and mom broke up for 2 years but he still called me on my birthday and still talked to me. And they are back together now because of that. Cause she realize that the couple of guy's she dated nobody treated me and her as well as he did and they tried again. You can love a kid and not love the mother simply as that so if you just give the present to the kid well not talking to the mom it's still keeping NC. And I promise that she will thank you for it and it will make you closer. She will now know that even a break up wont break the love for her family and she know's that you are serious. Also my mom once told me that when a girl has a kid and start's dating a guy that isn't the father that they are always afraid that they wont love the kid as much as theyre own and if you don't give her the present she will know that this is true and that fear will just grow bigger she will be afraid to let you in because if were your own child you would have given the gift. And all she is looking for is someone to take the kid in as one of his own as well. I promise you that if you give the gift it will only bring you closer and maybe even close enough that she will forget the petty problem's and move forward. And you will be stronger cause she wont have that fear in her hear that you wouldn't love that kid as much as you were your own. Believe me someone who has had a lot of step dad's because of this and only one is with her now and it's the one that kept trying and acted like a father. Women love their kids so much that some are willing to stay with a guy just because he treats the kid so well. Not saying this is you im saying that's how strong that bond can be. Sorry but NC with kid is not the way to go I promise you it will not ruin anything and only bring you closer if you do this.
brown03 Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Also if you don't she wont think that your moving on or trying to heal she will just think that your are neglecting her kid just to get back at her.
Author Perplexed81 Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 Thank you! i'm sorry everyone but what brown03 said is exactly what I needed to hear. First I wanna thank you for taking the time out of YOUR day to help a total stranger out in a complex situation. Second, while I wish I could take your advice on going to her school and giving it to her, I feel that that's a bit too much at the beginning. I'm going to mail her a nice birthday card along with a check for 100.00 with a nice note saying that I didn't know what she wanted for her b-day this year but that I was leaving her some money to pick out some b-day toys. I don't expect a response or any contact from the mother but in my heart will know I did the right thing becuase I care for her very much. By the way, this little girl took it upon herself one day outta the blue to just start calling me her dad, I never asked her to, or manipulated her in any way, it was solely her own decision and I gotta say that I've never felt so proud that someone else's child would geniuenly take me on to be her dad. I know the mother will give my card and check to the child for sure, I just hope that it knocked a little sense on her mom to realize that i'm truthful in what I say. Thanks again for the responses, i've made up my mind on what i'm going to do.
brown03 Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 I'm glad I could help I think that the mom will realize it you know because it's not like you guys fell out of love or anything just had an argument. And if you guys are 29 or what ever I think that she is not going to be into the whole NC thing as much because she is looking at who can support her and her family and make a good dad for her children and a good husband. I would like to add thou that when you love someone sometimes that mean's giving up some thing's in your life that you might like. And I think giving up Online Poker for a life time of happiness is a fair trade and I think that is all she is looking for. Right now you still have it good with your EX if she excepting your flowers and I think that you guy's still have a chance. I wish there was something I could do to fix thing's between mine but I haven't found it
112233 Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 I don't believe in NC but woman with kid, you dodged a bullet there champ, move on and let mommy deal with toys for the tot.
quankanne Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 she expressed her feelings that if I really saw her daughter as my own that I would not have done that I think maybe this is what you need to take into account, regardless of what's happening between you and the child's mom: If you fostered relationship with this child while dating her mom, just because you and mom are no longer together, you shouldn't ditch the kid. That relationship is independent of what went on between you and the ex, and let's be honest here ... a child doesn't understand the concept of "no contact." All they see is that someone they love and who they thought loved them is now cutting them off completely and taking their love away, which is an incredibly cruel thing to do to a kid. if anything, you need to figure out what the relationship with said child is going to be, and as bad as it sounds, discuss with your ex so that you're both on the same page. BUT you both need to let the kid know in no uncertain terms that you and her mom are not a couple any longer, just in agreement that you and the kid still have an open relationship. If it comes to it, you can ease away if/when the mom gets in a solid relationship and the little one no longer clings to the relationship she's got with you. send the card, sign it saying that she has a special place in your heart and leave it with that. If you decide to give her a gift, go with something simple (not some grand gesture of a gift) that she can look at and say, "he does love me" like a simple necklace or something.
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