When to do NC and Second Chance.

[brown03]

Ok, I am a little confused I have been reading a lot of posts on here and on almost everyone including the one's that still have a chance with there EX or can fix them everyone just say's NC.

 

Which I have made a post and everyone told me but I realize now in my case it is the best thing. But I just want to know there are people out there that are healed and have done what they need to do so how do you know when to ask for Second Chance and when to do NC and how long you should wait after a break up and when to know if your ready.

 

And I do love my EX very much and I think the reason I am hung up on talking to her is because I left it off kinda bad. Just that I did everything wrong and I never talked to her about anything to let her know that everything is OK. I am over all worried that she feels bad because she thinks she hurt me. And I only argue because I wanted so badly to clear thing's up and make everything good between us so there are no hard feelings.

 

Because it's not that I want a relationship with her right now or anything I just want everything to be good so at least one day it's possible. I know right now she has a lot of thing's she needs to do for her self as I know I do to. But it bug's me to know that thing's between us are Unknown right now and I have no clue how she is feeling about this break-up. I am so confused with this whole thing and everyone is just telling me NC and even thou I know I shouldn't talk to her at the same time I want to make a future (relationship, Friendship) possible with her and I feel like all the bad wasn't fix and that she might still have hard feeling's towards me and everything is just so unknown.

 

And I don't want her to have hard feeling's towards me. I am not asking what to do to fix this relationship right now I know we both need to do a lot of thing's in life and with ourselves but I just don't understand what else.

 

So I'm just confused about when NC is enough and how can you heal thing's between an EX to make it so a future relationship is possible. I have done a lot of stupid thing's and I feel like **** and I just don't want her to think that that is who I am.

[Hhhh]

The only way you could get a second chance is after both of you have healed and moved on. When you have moved on you will see the relationship in a different view, if you think it's worth another shot after a few months i would say make contact (only because it was a bad break up on your part) and see where it goes from there.

[TaraMaiden]

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

If it broke, even fixed, it will never be as good as new.

 

Some people make it through with 'second chances'.

But statistically, they are as rare as rocking-horse poo.

 

Out of 1000? maybe two or three.

 

Why would you want to go back to something you know broke down completely?

This is an opportunity to move on to new pastures with new knowledge.

 

be fair to the next girl, be fair to yourself.

Don't hanker after a damaged past.

Create a better future.

 

Now.

[Eternity001]

I know four couples right now that have been together for over two years after a year break, Tara.

 

Second chances aren't totally uncommon. You just never hear about them.

[Don Ho]

I think you need to get over your guilt on your own and move on. Continue NC. Contacting her or trying to show her you're not that type of person isn't going to work. To answer your question: when you're the Dumpee, IMO, you never contact the Dumper. IF they decide they miss you or want contact they need to contact you. Otherwise you're most likely to get strung along and used until they find someone they really want to be with.

[brown03]

Agreed I know of a lot of people you know sometimes people go through a rough patch and it end's up triggering a break-up and what not as what happened in my case we were perfect together before hand.

 

Plus I'm not 100% sure but she might have GIGS because when we met she had done the partying and University but she had never lived on her own or had a lot of friends when she moved here. And I have been noticing that she is going out to party and trying to hang out with everyone again and she moved out.

 

I am really proud of her she has changed so much since we met but I think when I came in she wasn't done the partying stage of her life so maybe that could have been some of the reason to.

 

Also eternity and hhhh what do you mean we have been broken up for 8 months so far is that long enough or did you mean a couple more? I'm just afraid that if I wait until new year's that it might be to late and I can't do anything in December because her family is down and they will talk her out of it.

[Capital P]

there is nothing you can do anyway. contacting her isnt going to help. I just got a text from my ex saying she will "always love me" bla bla

As far as im concerned, unless shes begging for forgiveness im not going to entertain her on any level.

You cant get her back by chasing and NC makes the other person think more fondly anyway. If you try and make it right you will make it worse

[WTRanger]

If you try and make it right you will make it worse

 

I don't always agree with your views from time to time, but this right here is probably the best advice given in a long time. It is epic in it's very nature. It's Shakespearean in depth.

 

I'd like to see an email, text, and phone service that when you try to reach out to an ex this message pops up.

 

OP, it's not how long you've been broken up. It's how long have you been NC? Unless you said some horrifically hurtful things to her, there's no need to bend over in front of her and offer yourself to her. Maintain your dignity and move on with your life.

[brown03]

I didn't say anything hurtful but I would block the door when we got into an argument and take the phone's. I had the stupid idea in my head that we needed to talk about thing's and I didn't think taking a walk was good. I was dumb cause in the end this break-up has opened my mind and made me realize that making a big deal of her hanging out with her friends and butting into her family thing's was completely Stupid when I look back at it I want to punch myself in the face I don't understand why I did those thing's and it took breaking up to realize it.

 

I would create argument's just because I was unhappy with myself and she was doing better in life than me. And after we broke up I took a long time thinking about all this and realized what the problem was and fixed it. And now that I have I just want to be able to heal thing's between us to be able to make a future relationship possible.

 

Also capital P I understand what you are saying if she isn't breaking down walls looking for me back then to he!! with her but I love her and I realize that all the time's I said I would change and didn't broke the trust a bit between us. And if you don't heal thing's or even try and fix them how will they ever even know that you are different or changed. How will they know that they can trust you again? Also I understand the NC and I think it's needed here but when it NC enough there are point's in your life that if you love someone you need to show them you have changed because how else will they know.

 

If your ex continued to hurt you time after time and you broke up even if the time you weren't arguing was amazing you could be sitting there thinking how much you love this girl and you want to go back but you just so afraid that thing's wont change. And if you have family on top of that saying it's a bad idea. It makes it worse, and we were amazing together we had fun never ran out of thing's to talk about. Always found thing's to do and we were never bored. Thing's were amazing I am not lying when I say that everything was great except I created arguments where they didn't need to be because I hated myself for not being where I wanted to be in life.

 

I just wish that I could help her heal and realize that I have changed and that thing's could be perfect. Like I said I don't care if we jump into a relationship I just want to be able to help her forget that past and realize that thing's can be different. So that's what I mean When is NC enough when can you start to try for a second chance because I know I have to make the move on this one and I know that.

 

Also something I have never mentioned even thou she broke up with me she thought that she was doing me a favor she thought that because I was arguing with her because I didn't love her anymore and that it was because I didn't have enough dating experience and I was regreting it. So by me not saying anything to her do you guy's think that she might just think I really didn't love her and I am moving on? Cause we haven't really talked for like 3 or 4 months and the only thing's we have talked about is about her mail being here and what not so does that still count for NC?

[bl22]

OP i feel exactly the same way. In no way can we be together right now after everything thats happened but it ended feeling like i didnt get closure and neither did she. It all ended through txt/fb/phone...i would love friendship or another chance 1 day when im in a better place and shes got her **** sorted out.

 

Problem is, I did say some bad stuff to her due to the fact she replaced me 'Backstabbing bitch/I hate you/traitor/heartless'

 

My question is, (what i said is kind of true for what shes done, but I dont want her to think of me in a bad light for saying those things because at the time I was hurt...i stil am.)

 

Will she forget the bad things I said at the end of the relationship n realise i was hurt. Id love to tell her this and say look, youve meant the world to me and youve hurt me so much, i love you but i HATE what youve done, I dont mean the things I said I was just very badly hurt. I'd like a chance to see her again 1 day in the future when im over her.

[WTRanger]

The question for Brown and BL is, why do you need the ex's validation? The forgiveness you seek should come from yourself. You need to forgive yourself for your actions first. Then, who cares what the ex thinks?

[brown03]

Only because I love her and I hurt and damaged the trust between us. And I one day would like another chance with her and it's easy to forgive myself it's not easy to earn her trust and love again. Right now she has cut me out of her life and even though I know I have changed she doesn't and why out of the blue would she think otherwise unless she see's it. And that's what I mean I realize that NC need's to be done so you can both heal but when healing is done how to you get her to realize you have changed?

 

Because even thou someone has change and healed they still think back to the bad and I just want to be able to keep NC but also some how show her I have changed. We don't have any connections anymore except the gym and I barley go. So all I am asking is when I am done healing how do I even begin to try for a Second Chance.

[WTRanger]

You're going to need more than 8 months to show her you've changed and healed. 8 months is only a surface change, a change in words only. You'd revert back to your old self before you even knew it.

 

You can't make anyone realize you've changed. You can't make someone take you back. By the very nature of you wanting to force this, it shows you haven't really begun to understand the change that you truly need to make.

 

If you've really forgiven yourself and really understand what happened, there would be no need for her to validate you.

[brown03]

No I don't want to force her to just a bad choice in word's I noticed that to. I don't want to force her I was just saying is there nothing I can say or do to help her with the healing. Also is there never a point in time where NC is needed I don't understand why that's the only suggestion my bestfriend is good friends with his ex and they get along and they didn't spend anytime apart(Not Talking About me) just other cases that seems to be the only thing people suggest.

[TaraMaiden]

Your best friend's situation:

Were they best buddies immediately, or was there a time (between break up and friendship) where they couldn't talk for the pain it brought?

Some people can do it, others, where the pain is to great, cannot. Every situation is different.

maybe your buddy and his ex- were not really all that 'together' and work better as friends....

[brown03]

Well she was staying at a guy's house a lot and they decided to break-up and she went right into that guys arms and started dating him and then right away started being friends and it is believed that she cheated even thou she says she didn't.

[brown03]

I am just looking for contact with her. We used to be such good friends and It sucks because I lost my gf and one of my bestfriends(Her) and I just don't know how she can just cut tie's like that like it's nothing for her we have been through so much and just like that one week bam done NC.

 

And it sucks because when she has a reason like if I say there is mail here for her she will talk to me and say how is school and work and everything and we talk for a bit and then bam back to NC so it's like wtf. And it bug's me because I think she is only doing ti because I am. Cause if I were to text her and say hey hows everything going she would talk for a bit. Like on thanks giving I said hey happy thanksgiving just wanted to let you know you had mail here.

 

She responded Sweet thanks. hey happy thanksgiving to you to. And at first she was trying to get me to drop her stuff off at the gym cause im assuming she didn't want to see me or the dog. And then I told her that would be weird and she was like then can you meet me at the gym. Came got her stuff and left so it's like I don't understand and I know she doesn't have anyone to talk with. Cause her family just say's don't go back with him and her friends aren't fond of me either. Only her cousins like me and she doesn't spend time with them.

 

P.S friends don't like me because I was dum and made a big deal of her hanging out with them and I butted in. Stupid I know now. Family doesn't like me because she paid for everything and they said I wasn't motivated which is bull because I was waiting to hear about school. So naturally family want's a guy who can support and they didn't think I could