MM contacts me

[4321sn]

I totally feel you, it was exactly the same for me. I don't know why they do this. To me I can handle anything as long as I understand it, and I need honesty to understand it!

 

At least now I understand where MM is at and I feel he's being honest. And I'm not letting it affect me, in that I'm not involving him in my life while he's still undecided. I guess that's why they don't tell us... they know we won't stick around. But with me it's not that I have given up all hope, it's just that I want things to be the right way, or not at all, and I need honesty.

 

It's nice to be able to relate to someone else in this same situation. Good luck to you myname.

 

We are in similar situations but it seems that you MM is further along than mine. Makes me realize that this is going to take much longer than I hoped.

Even though it was only 5 days I felt so much better not being caught up in the daily turmoil of wondering and waiting.

 

When we spoke he said that he feels like he has regained some control of his life. That he is working ending his marriage and things are moving along quickly.

 

I, like you have to stay strong and take care of myself while he resoves things on his end.

 

Reading your threads is helping me more than you know. You seem to have more strength than me so I am lookng to your posts for support.

[maravilla]

phillyfan - Not sure why you think he's eyeing a replacement already. He hasn't given me any indication of that sort. At one time he talked about dating but it was in terms of if he and I didn't work out. He has always told me he only wants to be with me, it's just that it's very hard to tell his wife that and get divorced! I know him well and have for better or worse gotten good at reading between the lines of what he says and going with my gut (maybe too much... perhaps I doubt him too much because I've gotten sick of not seeing results) and I feel like if he had an OOW or potential OOW, I would know. I do feel that he loves me very much and wants to be with me (not someone else), but isn't sure if he can actually pull the trigger on divorce.

 

siuys - I get what you're saying about it not being intentional. They're just confused and have duel allegiances. Still, when I told him I had to back away because he was sending me mixed messages, he suddenly got really honest and told me what I was feeling in my gut all along- that he just didn't know how he would be able to tell his wife he wanted to get divorced, or how long it would take. My beef is that he should have told me that earlier. Intentional or not, that is fence-sitting and stringing me along.

 

myname - I know what you mean about getting sucked into thinking about this issues all the time. On the one hand I had to be ready to walk away from him for good by going NC, because I know it could very well mean he stays married and we are never together again. So in that sense I was 'done.' I was done with the relationship in its current form and I accepted that that meant I am potentially done with him forever. On the other hand, if he does get divorced then I am not done with him. It's just that I can't be worrying every second about what he's doing, I'm living my life and not focusing on him as much. But the balance is hard to strike because, as long as he's still up in the air, I'm still wondering what he's going to choose to do and investing myself to some extent in him. It sucks to have my life kind of hinging on what he chooses to do still, but it's to much less of an extent than before. If that makes any sense at all!

[4321sn]

I do know that the best thing to do is to act like he is never getting divorced. I need to start NC again.

How are you feeling today?

[maravilla]

We are in similar situations but it seems that you MM is further along than mine. Makes me realize that this is going to take much longer than I hoped.

Even though it was only 5 days I felt so much better not being caught up in the daily turmoil of wondering and waiting.

 

When we spoke he said that he feels like he has regained some control of his life. That he is working ending his marriage and things are moving along quickly.

 

I, like you have to stay strong and take care of myself while he resoves things on his end.

 

Reading your threads is helping me more than you know. You seem to have more strength than me so I am lookng to your posts for support.

 

About him being 'further along'... he moved out rather quickly so that's why I was so confused about why it was taking him so long to get divorced. I guess moving out and filing are two totally separate things and one is a lot easier than the other! Silly me.

 

I'm glad my posts are helping you, because I feel like quite the mess. I do feel strong knowing that I am doing what is best for me even though I miss him.

 

I do fear getting a text or call from him where he says he's decided to stay married. I mean, it's what I want... complete honesty, and it would give me closure... but it would also break my heart. So I guess I'm still hoping that he gets divorced but dealing with the reality that he's not there yet if ever so I have to live my own life.

[4321sn]

siuys - I get what you're saying about it not being intentional. They're just confused and have duel allegiances. Still, when I told him I had to back away because he was sending me mixed messages, he suddenly got really honest and told me what I was feeling in my gut all along- that he just didn't know how he would be able to tell his wife he wanted to get divorced, or how long it would take. My beef is that he should have told me that earlier. Intentional or not, that is fence-sitting and stringing me along.

 

Same thing here...my MM finally told her and now they are in therapy. He says to transition them to divorce- the counselor also does family therapy so the kids will be joining them eventually.

 

A small step...don't know which way it will go but at least it's something. Has your MM gone to IC or MC? I went to MC and after a few sessions it was obvious that the marriage was over.

[4321sn]

What are you doing to keep yourself occupied? Do you have friends that know about him to support you?

[maravilla]

siuys - I get what you're saying about it not being intentional. They're just confused and have duel allegiances. Still, when I told him I had to back away because he was sending me mixed messages, he suddenly got really honest and told me what I was feeling in my gut all along- that he just didn't know how he would be able to tell his wife he wanted to get divorced, or how long it would take. My beef is that he should have told me that earlier. Intentional or not, that is fence-sitting and stringing me along.

 

Same thing here...my MM finally told her and now they are in therapy. He says to transition them to divorce- the counselor also does family therapy so the kids will be joining them eventually.

 

A small step...don't know which way it will go but at least it's something. Has your MM gone to IC or MC? I went to MC and after a few sessions it was obvious that the marriage was over.

 

My MM is in IC and has been since right before he moved out.

[maravilla]

What are you doing to keep yourself occupied? Do you have friends that know about him to support you?

 

I have two good friends that know about him but both of them hate him and want me to write him off for good. So they are happy we are NC. I don't feel like they understand but I know their intentions are good and that they love me, so I am grateful to have them.

 

I'm going to the gym and going out with friends and I'm about to start counseling. Honestly sometimes I feel very miserable and wish I could just walk away from my life and start over somehow. But I felt that same way when I was with MM and now I feel a little better in that I took some control over the situation and I am trying to focus on myself instead of him.

[maravilla]

I guess I just hate that I still love him, I wish I didn't. Because I'm still hoping for him to do something he hasn't done. It is really hard. I wish I could just forget about him and get on with my life and honestly I've tried but it hasn't worked.

[4321sn]

Have you tried dating other people as a distraction? Maybe you will end up liking someone.

[whichwayisup]

I guess I just hate that I still love him, I wish I didn't. Because I'm still hoping for him to do something he hasn't done. It is really hard. I wish I could just forget about him and get on with my life and honestly I've tried but it hasn't worked.

 

Once you accept things and stop having "hope" maybe it'll be easier to shut him out of your heart and let go abit more.

 

If you want to forget about him, make an active effort to do so! Don't let yourself think about him, remember, romantize, have fantasies, what if thoughts. Those thoughts come through your mind, push them away. Go for a walk with a neighbour or a friend, laugh it up. NC has to happen in your head too!

[siuys]

4321sn, xMM was in IC as well as MC (still going I believe). At the end of the day, he doesn't know what he wants, and was swaying the entire time. He moved out 2 months after we met and yes, moving out does NOT mean D, does not mean they won't reconcile, does NOT mean he doesn't have feelings for you. It's a totally conflicted situation and he WAS fence sitting the whole time and I knew it but still kept going (how stupid).

 

Anyway, in his last email/sms he said I will hear from him when he's sorted himself out, and hopes that I will still be available. I just can't take him seriously. I think he just wants to make sure the door is still open (and f*cks with my head at the same time) in case things don't work out at home. I don't trust him now. If he ever does contact me again, it will be seriously hard work for him to prove that he means business.

 

Meanwhile, I have to work through the pain and get on with it.

[fooled once]

I went NC a week ago and hadn't heard from MM since. Tonight he sent me texts saying he doesn't know the 'Rules of Disengagement' but he had to let me know he was hanging w/ his brother whose g/f is 18 yrs younger than his brother - MM and I have a big age difference- and has the same color eyes and hair as me and she's cool.

 

I wrote back and said please don't text me b/c it's too hard.

 

He then said it's hard on him too and it physically hurts. I said please respect my wishes and either make the hard choices and do what it takes for us to be together for real or leave me alone so I can move on. I said I love him and I'm sorry he's hurting but I cannot be his other woman or his secret anymore and I need him to understand that and respect my wishes.

 

He then said he loves me and will respect my wishes.

 

Wtf. Why did he text me. I think he has a messed up definition of love. I'd been missing him so much and now it just feels ten times worse. I knew he wasn't really going to get divorced. I'm really sad. I will prolly get roasted here for texting him back but honestly I feel I spoke from my heart and repeated what I told him when I went NC and I am not going to change my mind. If he doesn't want me the right way then he is not the guy he claimed to be and I don't want him! It hurts and I'm sad but I am really sure that I'm done being his OW.

 

If he respected your wishes, he wouldn't have texted you to begin with, IMHO. He was fishing....

 

Lisa,

 

I think that was his way of telling me he is not getting divorced or at least not anytime soon.

 

?

 

Because if he were then he would have told me, I'm going forward with this divorce, or something.

 

He only told me that it's hard and that he'll respect my wishes.

 

That's why I'm so mad at him... how can he break NC just to talk to me about his brother's girlfriend who's a lot like me, when he has no plans to really get divorced (I guess)?

 

My head is a mess and I don't know what to do.

 

I really do want to know where his divorce stands but I don't want to seem pathetic... I mean, to me it seems that was his way of telling me something. Either he's back home or he can't go through with the divorce or he's undecided or something. I wish I knew where he stood but at this point if he's not actually divorcing then what does it matter? And if he were, I'm sure he would tell me!

 

He would have offered the info about a divorce if he was getting one. He was glad you hadn't asked about it.

 

BUT..... then you did.

 

Okay, so I asked him. All over text because I don't have the strength to talk talk to him. I said I don't want to send mixed messages about talking and it is best for us to not talk. But I need to clarify something so that I know what to do from here. And I need you to tell me the truth. I said I won't be mad but I just need it so I know how to deal. I asked him, are you getting divorced, or not, or are you undecided?

 

He said he is doing what I asked him to do and making the decision without me. He said he is taking his son to see my out-of-state friend's house tomorrow and he intends to rent it. And that he opened separate accounts on Monday. He said he is going in the direction of a divorce but he cannot tell me he's told his lawyer to file. He now knows he needs to make that decision alone, and he already feels better having proceeded in that direction during this last week, without knowing whether or not I will be in the picture.

 

I feel like he was being totally honest with me for once (well actually I felt that way since I first started telling him we needed to take a break and it was time for him to get off the fence. That's when he started acknowledging that he was in fact on the fence.)

 

I feel like I can handle things as long as he is being honest. Even if he says he has decided to stay married, at least I will know the truth and that will give me closure. I still have hope but I'm trying to focus on myself while he focuses on his marriage. Maybe I shouldn't have re-broken NC but I'm glad I got that clarification because I was thinking he was back with his wife.

 

Sweetie, I don't believe him. I think he is telling you what you want to hear. I think if he REALLY was deciding to divorce, he would have mentioned that. He is going to tell you what you want to hear and I believe that what he told you, will give you HOPE and not allow you to MOVE ON with your life.

 

I really hope you do go through with blocking his calls/texts or at least stop answering them ... for NOW. Let him really - REALLY - prove he is moving towards a divorce. If he loves you like he claims, you not talking to him won't deter him from following through.

 

You honestly truly have no REAL knowledge that he is or isn't with his wife. You have "his words" that he is looking at another place to allegedly rent long term. You honestly know nothing more than you would had you two been talking. Nothing has changed.

 

Please do not let this keep you planted in the past. Please keep moving forward with YOUR life ((hugs))

[maravilla]

whichwayisup and fooledonce,

 

I understand what you are both saying, but I still have hope and I believe him. Am I just beingstupid???

 

4321, no, I haven't dated. I get asked out but I just feel like it would be a waste of my time and the guy's time because my heart is with MM.

 

Does everyone think I'm stupid for believing he loves me and believing what he's telling me? (Granted it's not all what I want to hear but it's not like he says he went back home).

[whichwayisup]

Not stupid, just not seeing things from an objective view. Take a break, take a step back, gain perspective, really take time to think about things.

 

Stupid is the wrong word, it's negative and makes one feel bad. You are listening to your heart, your emotions and not your head and gut feelings.

[siuys]

Maravilla,

 

Following your heart is one thing but you also need your head firmly screwed on. I think sometimes we'd like to believe what we want to believe, but reality is something entirely different. You cannot live your life HOPING he's not back with his W, WONDERING what he is doing or thinking... it's a no win for you. Move forward step by step.

 

I am at the stage I am working on writing xMM off. Sure, I still hope he comes back to me divorced and clear. But I know if that were going to happen, it will take a long time. And do I want to wait? No. Because it will just bring pain to myself. If I get on with my life without him, and without hope, and if he does come back, great, I can re-consider. And if he doesn't, I will have already moved on.

 

I read Eckhart Tolle often, and it's so true, we often live in the past to define ourselves, and look in the future for salvation, but life is happening now.

[maravilla]

I understand what everyone's saying but this is so hard. I feel like this is a huge set back for me. After I asked him my question about the status of his divorce, he contacted me again and said he has a question for me. He asked me if I think I can get over how we started out and endure the negative stuff and issues we had/have to get through in order to be a real couple. He told me he needs to know my heart is still in this because that's a part of his decision. So I told him that yes I think we can get through it anything and I just want the chance to be in a real relationship with him instead of an affair. He said he's glad we talked because he needed to know I still love him as part of his decision. Since then he's been texting me and he asked me if we could get together this weekend and I feel like I'm going to have to re-break up with him all over again, except I don't even want to because I miss him so much. I mean my head wants to but my heart doesn't.

 

I'm just not sure what to do. He says he feels like he's already getting divorced and he's looking towards our future as a couple instead of on his past being married to his wife. I told him I understand what he means but thinking about doing it and actually doing it are two different things.

 

Now I'm right back where I started, still the other woman, and he's still undecided. I am really mad at myself and really feeling depressed.

[myname]

I understand what everyone's saying but this is so hard. I feel like this is a huge set back for me. After I asked him my question about the status of his divorce, he contacted me again and said he has a question for me. He asked me if I think I can get over how we started out and endure the negative stuff and issues we had/have to get through in order to be a real couple. He told me he needs to know my heart is still in this because that's a part of his decision. So I told him that yes I think we can get through it anything and I just want the chance to be in a real relationship with him instead of an affair. He said he's glad we talked because he needed to know I still love him as part of his decision. Since then he's been texting me and he asked me if we could get together this weekend and I feel like I'm going to have to re-break up with him all over again, except I don't even want to because I miss him so much. I mean my head wants to but my heart doesn't.

 

I'm just not sure what to do. He says he feels like he's already getting divorced and he's looking towards our future as a couple instead of on his past being married to his wife. I told him I understand what he means but thinking about doing it and actually doing it are two different things.

 

Now I'm right back where I started, still the other woman, and he's still undecided. I am really mad at myself and really feeling depressed.

 

Oh, I feel for you. I've been right there so many times. I'm going through the angry stage right now.

 

The questioning of whether your hearts in it, whether you love him enough, his need for reassurance, MM used to do that to me too. And I would always reassure him, forgetting that it wasn't me with someone else in my life, wasn't me who refused to make a decision and wasn't able to give 'us' as a couple the chance to have a future. I was there waiting and showing my support, while he was still at home getting his dinner cooked by his wife.

 

He should be reassuring you now, don't forget that, don't allow wanting to help and support him make you forget what you want and deserve from a proper relationship.

 

hey, if I'm making you feel worse now, ignore me, I'm feeling a bit bitter right now, but actually do want to help, so will send you hugs, take care of yourself.

[maravilla]

Oh, I feel for you. I've been right there so many times. I'm going through the angry stage right now.

 

The questioning of whether your hearts in it, whether you love him enough, his need for reassurance, MM used to do that to me too. And I would always reassure him, forgetting that it wasn't me with someone else in my life, wasn't me who refused to make a decision and wasn't able to give 'us' as a couple the chance to have a future. I was there waiting and showing my support, while he was still at home getting his dinner cooked by his wife.

 

He should be reassuring you now, don't forget that, don't allow wanting to help and support him make you forget what you want and deserve from a proper relationship.

 

hey, if I'm making you feel worse now, ignore me, I'm feeling a bit bitter right now, but actually do want to help, so will send you hugs, take care of yourself.

 

Your posts help me, thank you.

 

It's so stupid, like at first I was feeling happy that he loves me and that we still have a chance and that we were talking again.

 

Then I started thinking more about it and I was like, wait a minute, I'm back in the situation I wanted out of. He hasn't told me when he is getting divorced or even that he's sure he can get a divorce. He's been up front about the fact that he's 'making this decision' on his own... but how is that going to be true if we're talking and seeing each other again? What a messed up cycle! I think I was feeling so grateful about the fact that he was being honest with me about the true nature of things that I forgot that I don't want to be with him if he's not actually getting divorced. I don't even know how that happened! I just get sucked in by him. And I'm not saying it's his fault... he has been honest with me about his status and yet I still talk to him. Yes he contacts me first but I talk to him, fully knowing it's less than I want. I guess because I feel miserable without him... and yet I feel miserable with him!

[Confused4Now]

I understand what everyone's saying but this is so hard. I feel like this is a huge set back for me. After I asked him my question about the status of his divorce, he contacted me again and said he has a question for me. He asked me if I think I can get over how we started out and endure the negative stuff and issues we had/have to get through in order to be a real couple. He told me he needs to know my heart is still in this because that's a part of his decision. So I told him that yes I think we can get through it anything and I just want the chance to be in a real relationship with him instead of an affair. He said he's glad we talked because he needed to know I still love him as part of his decision. Since then he's been texting me and he asked me if we could get together this weekend and I feel like I'm going to have to re-break up with him all over again, except I don't even want to because I miss him so much. I mean my head wants to but my heart doesn't.

 

I'm just not sure what to do. He says he feels like he's already getting divorced and he's looking towards our future as a couple instead of on his past being married to his wife. I told him I understand what he means but thinking about doing it and actually doing it are two different things.

 

Now I'm right back where I started, still the other woman, and he's still undecided. I am really mad at myself and really feeling depressed.

In bold....BTDT. Please don't do it he's just sucking you back in so to make his life more tolerable. I did this off and on for 2 years and nothing ever happened. No papers just words.....Stay firm on your boundaries. This really is not love or respect it's about a guy who is being selfish cause he doesn't have the balls to do what he needs to. UGH

[maravilla]

In bold....BTDT. Please don't do it he's just sucking you back in so to make his life more tolerable. I did this off and on for 2 years and nothing ever happened. No papers just words.....Stay firm on your boundaries. This really is not love or respect it's about a guy who is being selfish cause he doesn't have the balls to do what he needs to. UGH

 

You know, when I step outside of my emotions and think clearly, I know you're right.

 

I've gone through so many different emotions today. This morning, I woke up depressed and confused and almost feeling like I was falling apart.

 

Then I started to think back about why I went NC and I thought, I don't want to put my life on hold for him and be the OW who loves and pines for him while he decides what to do about his marriage and keeps me a secret. I know I don't deserve that and my life can't be based on him.

 

So then I seriously started thinking, okay, what if I just step away but not totally walk away? Like, what if I keep him in my life to some extent, talking to him and sometimes seeing him, but not letting my life revolve around him? So that I can have him there for fun and comfort but also live my own life?

 

Well now that I'm trying to think as rationally as possible, I think:

 

#1. That probably won't work because I love him and also because he is very demanding and needy (I know it's probably due to his hard situation and I'm not trying to demean him; just state the facts). If I give him an inch he takes a mile and I keep giving it to him! It's just the nature of our relationship, at least right now. So even if it sounds good idealistically, it probably wouldn't work out, practically.

 

#2. I remember the other reasons I walked away which are that I wanted to start having some integrity. I felt really uncomfortable helping him deceive his wife who thinks there is still hope of reconciliation. It also made me start to lose respect for him because he was telling me one thing and her another, and saying he didn't want to hurt her by filing for divorce, when all along he was slowly hurting her (or me, or both). I just want to live a life of honesty and openness and I hated feeling hidden and ashamed. I would still be doing that if I just saw him occasionally or even talked to him often.

 

So, it looks like I have no choice than to cut him off again. I don't want to but I don't see any other option!

[whichwayisup]

He told me he needs to know my heart is still in this because that's a part of his decision.

 

Translation: I need to know if you are there for me when I divorce. If you feel you can't be, or won't be able to wait around for me for the next month(s), maybe even a year tell me now so I don't have to leave and divorce my wife.

 

If he is that unhappy and wants to D, he will do it REGUARDLESS if you are in his life, waiting or not. Honestly, it sounds like any other MM, he will stay at home, stay in the marriage if the OW walks away.

[maravilla]

Translation: I need to know if you are there for me when I divorce. If you feel you can't be, or won't be able to wait around for me for the next month(s), maybe even a year tell me now so I don't have to leave and divorce my wife.

 

If he is that unhappy and wants to D, he will do it REGUARDLESS if you are in his life, waiting or not. Honestly, it sounds like any other MM, he will stay at home, stay in the marriage if the OW walks away.

 

I know! And, whichwayisup, the crappy thing is that he isn't even given me a time period. If he asked me if I could wait for him for the next two or three months, yes!, I definitely would. I guess I'd run the risk of him changing his mind by then, but if he was being honest and up front with me and taking these actions he's been taken and giving me a clear timeline, I would risk it. If after three months he didn't leave I would say I'm sorry but I gave you a chance based on your own timeline and now I have to leave. I really think I could do that because I am the type of person who likes to know things, I need info. and knowledge and resolution. I am also pretty extreme, all in or all out, and I could be all in for a set time period and then, if he didn't deliver, be all out, because at least I would know we both tried to make it work and that was that.

 

But all of that is just hypothetical because he hasn't given me any indication as to time. I know he is looking to lease this house of my friend's for six months and then he talks about buying a house after that. That's the only thing he's said with regard to time, and, before I went NC I had even told him that if he were serious about taking action he would have a timeline set up for himself and to share with me to give me reassurances of what was happening. He said, 'you're right, I do need to make a timeline'... and now, even after he is so happy we're talking again, no mention of any timeline.

 

So I guess he's hoping I just hang in there indefinitely while he makes his decision and I just can't do that. I'm not blaming him because I'm allowing it, but I'm just going to have to regain that strength to tell him, you know what, I'm glad we had this talk to clarify your status and what we're both thinking but I can't keep talking to you or see you because I still don't want to be your OW. I still want all or nothing. And then I will have to stick to it. At least we will end, at least for now, on a better note this time.

[Confused4Now]

#1. That probably won't work because I love him and also because he is very demanding and needy (I know it's probably due to his hard situation and I'm not trying to demean him; just state the facts). If I give him an inch he takes a mile and I keep giving it to him! It's just the nature of our relationship, at least right now. So even if it sounds good idealistically, it probably wouldn't work out, practically.

 

#2. I remember the other reasons I walked away which are that I wanted to start having some integrity. I felt really uncomfortable helping him deceive his wife who thinks there is still hope of reconciliation. It also made me start to lose respect for him because he was telling me one thing and her another, and saying he didn't want to hurt her by filing for divorce, when all along he was slowly hurting her (or me, or both). I just want to live a life of honesty and openness and I hated feeling hidden and ashamed. I would still be doing that if I just saw him occasionally or even talked to him often.

 

So, it looks like I have no choice than to cut him off again. I don't want to but I don't see any other option!

#1 He's needy cause he doesn't have the bandwidth to process all that's going on around him. He looks to you as comfort to make everything so much more bearable.

 

#2 Screw integrity!!! how about just VALUES what does it say about his values? If he can't do the honorable thing to either let you go or divorce his W.

 

Again you have only one option...and you said it in bold!!!

[maravilla]

#1 He's needy cause he doesn't have the bandwidth to process all that's going on around him. He looks to you as comfort to make everything so much more bearable.

 

#2 Screw integrity!!! how about just VALUES what does it say about his values? If he can't do the honorable thing to either let you go or divorce his W.

 

Again you have only one option...and you said it in bold!!!

 

Yeah, he kept saying this was so hard on him and he's so glad he can still think about a future for us as a couple. He said he wasn't sure there was one... even though when I went NC I told him I just need a break until he figures out what he's going to do! Sometimes I feel he doesn't listen to me even though I always try to explain to him what I'm really thinking and feeling.

 

I feel like he needs me in his life but he doesn't understand that he isn't able to give me all of him so it makes me want none of him until he can.