sumdude Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 In most situations someone ended the relationship.. or at least the romantic/sexual part of it. Once in a while it's mutual so some of this doesn't apply as much. Also if you're being friends with the hope of something more but it's not happening this applies. For the dumpee.. You're just setting yourself up for constant rejection. Even if rationally you know he/she may not be right for you part of you is going to feel a bit stung every time you see them and it's clear they're no longer interested. Then you'll also have to see them with or hear about the new squeeze which makes that rejection even clearer. You're going to feel some humiliation. For the dumper. Realize then even if they don't do it consciously your ex will find ways to mess with your new relationship somehow. It's just uncomfortable and you have to be almost superhuman to control that jealous streak in all of us. Remember, no matter what you say or your ex says they'll still hold on to that little hope you'll change your mind one day. If there's to be any chance of that uber-rare getting back together you have to be apart enough to really miss each other. You also have to be apart long enough that it's a new relationship if you get back together. But the reality is that you'll probably never be together again so live your life accordingly. If you're still trying to be friends the dumper is probably going to have to do a bit of lying to keep things 'smooth'. Listen, if she/he dumped you and is seeing someone else they probably won't want to hurt your feelings by telling you what they did last night. If they tell you too willingly than he/she is being a total a**wipe or assumes you're as completely over them as they are you...and how often is that true? Trust is needed in a friendship. Otherwise you have to do the dance of them not telling you what you already know which bothers you and the little white lies aren't so grand. You'll never really move on if you keep hanging out. The dumpee will only remember the good stuff and miss the other too much. The dumper will have to deal with seeing the ex squirm a bit. You're just extending the pain of splitting over a longer time.
deebeechrisyo Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Great post. Another reason for the dumpee: If the ex is a woman and she gets back in touch with you for any reason, it's ALWAYS for some sort of ego validation to make herself feel better. You aren't really a friend, but more of a tool. Notice how you will never hear from her while she's dating someone? Also, even if it doesn't make sense, the male ego just can't stand to see a girl he used to have to himself not his anymore, and available to other guys. It's better to just forget about her as soon as you can.
Author sumdude Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 If the ex is a woman and she gets back in touch with you for any reason, it's ALWAYS for some sort of ego validation to make herself feel better. You aren't really a friend, but more of a tool. Notice how you will never hear from her while she's dating someone? Absolutely! A female ex will hang out with you while between other guys because she doesn't want to be totally single so you'll fill nicely in every way but sexually. A male ex will come around between other women for some of the same reasons but also and more likely just to get a piece!
Mad Max Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Being friends with an ex, you will never move on. That's why I refuse to remain friends or even have contact with an ex, even if things ended amicably. I need to look after myself, as selfish as that sounds. If I remain friends with my ex, I won't be able to fully move on.
strength-abounds Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Another reason for the dumpee. THEY DUMPED YOU! Jesus, have a little dignity. Stop settling for friends. We are better than that.
Trinity2 Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 I have remained friends with my ex's, but I don't talk to them, most of the time the parting was on good terms, that's it though, no need to talk:) When I'm done, I'm done:)
LittleTiger Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Still on friendly terms with all my exes. If any of them rang me tomorrow I'd happily go out for a drink. Still friends with my exH - we've been friends since we were children. I see no reason to cut him off just because we're no longer married - even though he was the dumper.... and, no, I'm not harbouring hopes of a reconciliation. I have somebody better now. I agree with what you're saying in certain cases, especially if the dumpee is still hurting, but it's certainly not universal.
Lorelai Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Great post. Another reason for the dumpee: If the ex is a woman and she gets back in touch with you for any reason, it's ALWAYS for some sort of ego validation to make herself feel better. You aren't really a friend, but more of a tool. Notice how you will never hear from her while she's dating someone? The only ex I stayed away from while I was in a relationship was the one that constantly tried to make me get back with them when I was in a relationship then once they had me dumped me. Really odd version of "grass is greener" syndrome for him.... I stopped hanging around him when I was dating someone for the sheer fact that I didn't want him to try to ruin things.
EasyHeart Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 There's a big difference between being friends with an ex and being friends with an ex. Friendly is good; friends is bad.
Author sumdude Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 There's a big difference between being friends with an ex and being friends with an ex. Friendly is good; friends is bad. Right, my point was that you're talking and hanging out a lot as friends do rather than just being cordial and friendly to an ex more as an acquaintance.
EasyHeart Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Right, my point was that you're talking and hanging out a lot as friends do rather than just being cordial and friendly to an ex more as an acquaintance.I was agreeing with you!
LittleTiger Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Right, my point was that you're talking and hanging out a lot as friends do rather than just being cordial and friendly to an ex more as an acquaintance. I don't think I'd want to hang out a lot with any of my exes, even my exH who I do still think of as my friend. I'd certainly spend a day, or even a weekend, hiking together or something though - that's probably as long a time as I could tolerate with any of them - they're exes for a reason.
flying Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 In most situations someone ended the relationship.. or at least the romantic/sexual part of it. Once in a while it's mutual so some of this doesn't apply as much. Also if you're being friends with the hope of something more but it's not happening this applies. For the dumpee.. You're just setting yourself up for constant rejection. Even if rationally you know he/she may not be right for you part of you is going to feel a bit stung every time you see them and it's clear they're no longer interested. Then you'll also have to see them with or hear about the new squeeze which makes that rejection even clearer. You're going to feel some humiliation. For the dumper. Realize then even if they don't do it consciously your ex will find ways to mess with your new relationship somehow. It's just uncomfortable and you have to be almost superhuman to control that jealous streak in all of us. Remember, no matter what you say or your ex says they'll still hold on to that little hope you'll change your mind one day. If there's to be any chance of that uber-rare getting back together you have to be apart enough to really miss each other. You also have to be apart long enough that it's a new relationship if you get back together. But the reality is that you'll probably never be together again so live your life accordingly. If you're still trying to be friends the dumper is probably going to have to do a bit of lying to keep things 'smooth'. Listen, if she/he dumped you and is seeing someone else they probably won't want to hurt your feelings by telling you what they did last night. If they tell you too willingly than he/she is being a total a**wipe or assumes you're as completely over them as they are you...and how often is that true? Trust is needed in a friendship. Otherwise you have to do the dance of them not telling you what you already know which bothers you and the little white lies aren't so grand. You'll never really move on if you keep hanging out. The dumpee will only remember the good stuff and miss the other too much. The dumper will have to deal with seeing the ex squirm a bit. You're just extending the pain of splitting over a longer time. I totally agree with this post. Didn't really have anything to add, just agreeing.
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