SeriousBob12 Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Hey all, First off I wanted to say I've lurked here for a while, and have found many of the threads extremely helpful in difficult times. A kind nod of respect to the lot of you, I don't think some of you truly understand how helpful you've been. Anyways.... So about 6 months ago my ex and I broke up. She dumped me, which I took hard. Not only did she do it through email, but aside from her saying I pushed her away and the fact that she was moving, I didn't get any sort of closure. A little history... We had been dating for about 6 months, and things were fantastic. We got along great, and never fought. We just jived well. Given we both work in similar industries, we had plans of moving to another state together. We both had interest in the said state before we dated, and were looking at moving around this time (nov)...Back in May she got a fluke interview that lead to a job, and suddenly this girl I was NUTS over was going to be moving in 3 weeks. We discussed trying LD and having me move in with her down the road... She then started acting distant and weird. I went from talking to her ALL the time and my BBM constantly going off with with msg's, to few/none. No more goodnight babe or good morning texts; which is a weird feeling when you have 5 months of them...It was now a chore to just talk to her on the phone! I knew she was busy prepping for her move so I dealt with it for a week. Given our hectic work schedules, we could only see each other on the weekends, but now she was too busy...My confusion got worse and I finally called her out and said to just be upfront with me and not to play this game. It lead to our first 2 fights/arguments. It was more her doing the fighting as I was just trying to figure out what was up, and wasn't resorting to bickering...We resolved them, and I thought it was passed us. Of course I never saw her that weekend...she was too busy aka hanging with her friends, which I accepted, she was moving soon who am I to think that only I matter? But it got worse and now found myself again in the "clearly something is up, but I don't want to start a fight..." situation...I tried to convince myself she was probably busy, so I sent her flowers congratulating her on the new job and how proud I was of her; just a kind way to let her know I was thinking of her...That got me a 2 minute phone call on her lunch break, with the "awww that was so sweet! thank you babe!!" which she hastily ended a few minutes later. I didn't hear from her again that day/night (which hurt a lot). I didn't call or text her to give her space...I did try calling her the next morning to wish her a good day, to which she didn't answer. It was then I sent her a text saying something is clearly wrong, and I wish I knew what and that she would just be honest with me...She dumped me via email an hour later.... After that I did the NC thing for a few weeks, and only broke it by sending her an email a day before she left to say goodbye and wish her a safe move. She responded pleasantly, saying she regretted things and it was a timing issue and things would have worked out differently otherwise...I was flattered, and we started bouncing a few emails and trying friends...I had already decided to make the move myself before talking to her again, but held off on telling her, as I didn't want her to think I was following her. I finally did tell her this after a few emails. I was hopeful we could work through our so called problems, to which she shot down stating "...it didn't make sense to try and work through with distance between us" and that she needed to "find herself." She also tried to use the fact that I deleted her off of FB and detagged myself from photos post breakup against me, saying I acted immature...That was all I did post breakup that and NC, I never bitched her out, no drunk texts, nothing. Naturally this annoyed me, and I told her so, especially given that she dumped me cowardly through email. She responded that if she was such an awful person I shouldn't want to be with her... I screwed up by still trying, and apologizing for my actions and for getting angry. She continued to say she was confused and dodged my attempts at "us" (which is easy to do via email). She started to take days to respond, but again I dealt with it and wasn't pushy. I responded to her last email and really put my feelings out in the open. I thought for sure it would get me somewhere, and there was hope for us....She never responded and I found out only a week later through a friend that she had a new boyfriend. I was devastated. I was really a great boyfriend and crazy over her, and it hurt that she was able to move on so quickly (just over a month) while I was rotting in my own personal hell. I went NC at that point. I went through 2 months of smoking like a chimney, crying, not eating, losing weight, losing sleep, losing my sanity, dreaming of her etc...etc...I started to pick myself up. I stuck to NC and did my own move, and focused on me. I was still bummed out about things and would think about things, heck even up until recently but it became less and less frequent. She started to become a thought here and there and NOT a 24/7 focus. I took closure in knowing that I was truly a great person to her, and started to learn and feel that I had very little to be ashamed of. What did really bug me is how poorly I was let go. Hell, it still bugs me, but I guess that's life. Anyways, 2 days ago she sent me a msg on fb (we're not friends). It was short but said she wanted to congratulate me on the move and going after my dreams. She understands if I don't want to be friends, but she thought she would say hi anyways and wish me the best... What. The. ****? I moved over 4 months ago... Why would she feel the need to do this? Why not just let it die? She left me hanging when I put my feelings on the line (which hurt and I felt like a fool for), why not just let it be? I wasn't good enough to warrant a response back then, why now? To act as if nothing happened and to not even apologize? It just made me angry...Some of me feels it's to relieve her guilt, but who knows... I have no plans to respond, but this has made me start thinking about her more than I would like. I'm hoping it passes...soon Much thanks to insight offered...Sorry for the length, but a lot of me just needed to get this out. A lot of my good friends are far away
shayan Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 hehehe don't respond. I understand where you are coming from. Just let it go don't give her any mental real estate this state your in will pass soon I promise. Just don't have any contact with this girl. I'm proud of you bro you succesfully have got yourself through one of the most difficult things life throws (heartbreak!). congratz!
Am4Real Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 (edited) Why would she feel the need to do this? Why not just let it die? She left me hanging when I put my feelings on the line (which hurt and I felt like a fool for), why not just let it be? I wasn't good enough to warrant a response back then, why now? To act as if nothing happened and to not even apologize? It just made me angry...Some of me feels it's to relieve her guilt, but who knows... I have no plans to respond, but this has made me start thinking about her more than I would like. I'm hoping it passes...soon Hey Bob, Reading you post should be encouragement to the many others who have received a similar blow from a former partner or lover and are faced with healing. You’ve done a marvelous job in getting your life under normal order. Congratulations! With regards to your EX it’s hard to know what exactly she is up to. It could be her curiosity has the best of her; she might be dying to know what you’re doing or more likely who may be in your life; perhaps she wants to feel out your willingness to communicate with her which may lead to her prying even more. All without identifying her motive or purpose. What is more important to you before you even think of returning her communication is what she didn’t say? She did not tell you she missed you or regretted her decision; she did not say she found her way in life and would like you back in it or anything of the sort. Had she done all or any of these you would have known where she stands. If you return her communication now without knowing what she wants, you are taking one heck of a risk with your emotions and even going back to DAY ONE of the break-up. The fact she contacted you through FaceBook tells me she was just out perusing the social network and tried to look you up to satisfy a curious urge. Perhaps you’ve blocked her and she tried to message you as part of her snooping process. It really sounds that way, Bob. If I were you I would sit tight. If she really wants to talk to you she will make a much harder attempt to reach you than an asinine and childish message through FaceBook – I’m sure she knows how to reach you if she wanted to. If you don’t hear from her in the next week or so then you know she was only curious about you and remains non-committed as was her feeling when she departed. If she does try harder to reach you, you will have had time to think about your true willingness to revisit the past. Often old flames are much less attractive to you when you revisit the opportunity – what remains attractive are old memories. Best of luck Bob, Am4Real Edited November 10, 2010 by Am4Real
Author SeriousBob12 Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 Shayan, it's a pleasure! Thank you for the kind words. It was a rough patch for sure, I can't say I EVER want to go through something like that again. I'm happy for the progress I made. I remember back in the summer, looking forward to this moment; when living life without her wasn't something I had to deal with, it was something that became normal. I'm still not 100% there, but I'm also not at the starting line! Am4real, Thank you for your insight, everything you said was really well thought out and true. A lot of why I was angry after I read her msg, was because of what she didn't say. A mere sorry would have at least given me some closure. Then again, this was a girl who couldn't comprehend any wrong doing on her behalf and was downright selfish, so I really shouldn't be surprised. Thankfully fb and email are her only means to contact me. Since moving she doesn't know my new phone number, nor does she know where I live (aside from being in the same city as her). Regardless, I'm not holding out for a follow-up, hell I'm not holding out for anything more than her being off my mind. At least I don't feel weak for thinking about her after this. I'm sure the NC-way will quickly remedy my thoughts of her. Thank you both for your feedback!
Ajax Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Your situation has a lot of similarities to my own. Like you, my ex said she needed to "figure herself out," and was "confused." It happens so often. And I was also a wreck. It's been almost three months and I'm just starting to feel like my old self again. I also lost 20 pounds in the first two months after the breakup. My appetite has slowly returned. And like your ex, mine is now in the process of moving, 500 miles away to a city we talked about moving to together when I finish grad school in May. I think it's good you haven't responded to her. A Facebook message is lame. She could at least have asked for your nimber so she could give you a call. From what you've said though, I don't get the impression that she's interested in getting back together with you. Don't give her the satisfaction of thinking she still has you.
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