Butterfly16 Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 I've been separated from my husband for nearly 7 months now. I moved cross-country to hopefully provide motivation for either myself to move on or for him to address his alcoholism. We had agreed to an uncontested divorce. After he did something very stupid which led to me leaving him, he became very ill (brain aneurysm and epileptic seizures) We were married over 7 years and his addiction was an ongoing problem with our marriage that was never resolved. Just recently I went out on my first date after divorce papers had been begun and just needed my husband's signature on the agreement. My new friend and I have been in touch (texting, instant messaging) quite frequently. Today I received a call from my mother-in-law. Late last night...my husband had a massive seizure and passed away in his sleep. I'm in shock and in a lot of grief obviously. I never hated him...I just hated his disease and the fact that he wouldn't take care of himself. I am torn...I want to let my new friend know...but I'm not sure I should turn to him right now. I don't want him to feel hurt if I didn't tell him ... but I don't want to ruin the beginning of our relationship either with something this big. I don't know anyone out here and I've been there for him as a friend....IDK what to do.
You Go Girl Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 First, I'm sorry about your husband. That's difficult. Have you checked out soberrecovery. com/ and alanon? Why not tell your new friend when you see him next? He will probably take the relationship with you real slow after hearing that, which isn't a bad thing for you right now.
What_Next Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 That is terrible. My best wishes are with you. I cannot imagine the emotions you are going through. Tell your friend, perhaps he can support you and you can explore these emotions together. Or tell him, and tell him to have patience while you journey through this yourself. Good luck and post often if you need it.
Author Butterfly16 Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 Thank you both for your quick replies. I appreciate your input. My daughters kind of told me something similar. One thought was that maybe even not bring it up for a couple of days until I can actually speak about it without falling apart (which could make him think I'm needy and may scare him off). Because I do need to find the strength to handle this alone. So many calls to make and arrangements to finalized. Hardest was dealing with the coroner and donor/tissue offices last night. Surreal feeling and made me feel even more lost.
LittleTiger Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 I am so sorry Butterfly, that is very sad. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. As this is such a new relationship (I'm assuming it's the man from your other thread?), I think I would be inclined to hold off telling him immediately. This will be a very emotional time for you and I think it's a little early to be sharing something so significant with someone you don't know well. I agree with your daughter that you need to be able to hold yourself together when you tell him. I'm sure he's a lovely man and would understand and you should probably tell him as soon as you feel able so that he can offer you his support, but I would let yourself grieve through the first few days before you do.
carhill Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 My condolences, OP. If your dating partner inquires of your absence, 'attending to some important family matters' is a reasonable explanation IMO at this stage. After some time has passed and you feel less overwhelmed, perhaps you can share some details with him, after which I'm sure he'll offer support and concern. TBH, death was one factor which was on my mind during the divorce process and I purposely made some decisions which minimized that risk. I don't exactly know why I felt that way, but there it was. My best wishes to you and your family during this difficult time.
Author Butterfly16 Posted November 11, 2010 Author Posted November 11, 2010 Thank you so much Little Tiger and Carhill....so nice to see you guys here. I felt a hug from each of you and I really need it right now!!! I have no family here. My brothers are in California, Michigan and Ohio. Two of my adult children are still in California and my youngest 19 y/o is with me in Tenn. But I just feel so alone! Today was as horrible as yesterday! Calling all these people: social security (hour and a half), mortuary at least 10x, doctor's office 8x, sending and receiving faxes for the cremation. And then I had to go into work to try and get some kind of assistance since I can't be there for the service but want to try and help with expenses. Also had to call former employer from Calif to inform them of his passing...then a few minutes ago talking to newspaper about his obituary! I can't eat! I feel ill thinking of food (and normally I absolutely love food!). My head and jaw aches still from crying....Idk how much more ... I can feel him around me today. He came to visit me, i'm sure of it. At least I can talk to him so he knows I always cared for him and would take care of all the matters instead of leaving on his mother and son to do. They have enough to deal with trying to get past watching him die in front of them. Plus, as long as I am busy, I can stay strong and not fall apart. My co-workers were sweet. I work with 3 young adults (19, 21 & 22) they and another co-worker bought me some daisies and a card. Just delivered to my door. I know I looked like sh*&t, but it was nice to see someone cared. And thanks to you here also. We don't even know each other, but it feels nice knowing there are good, kind people out in the world. Thank you!
Author Butterfly16 Posted November 11, 2010 Author Posted November 11, 2010 OH and yes...it is the same man I was waiting forever to contact me. Odd...he contacted me Sunday and Monday....I got the call my husband died on Monday. That day I was also driving into the city and on the way to and from I felt several small panic attacks. I think I knew something was going to happen....The day started with a nosebleed!
fltc Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I am torn...I want to let my new friend know...but I'm not sure I should turn to him right now. I don't want him to feel hurt if I didn't tell him ... but I don't want to ruin the beginning of our relationship either with something this big He told you (in an earlier post) "He did say at the beginning of our date with regard to his current status. He was in the middle of his divorce so I would be aware of what he may be going through without any expectations. Meaning, he probably wouldn't be able to give me much time until all this is settled." So tell him you'll need time to settle everything, just as he did with his divorce, he'll understand if he's the right guy for you. Sorry for all your woes, here's another hug if it'll help any.
Author Butterfly16 Posted November 11, 2010 Author Posted November 11, 2010 It does! TY I need all the hugs I can get!
Author Butterfly16 Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 Update...I told him I needed to talk to him in person. He called me yesterday and I went to see him to tell him about my husband. My friend responded with so much comfort and support. He was so sweet and understanding. I'm so relieved! He was worried when I told him I had to talk to him that he thought something happened directly to me! But, was of course concerned with me and the pain I was going through. He took me to dinner and we talked..and I felt so much better! We had such a great time. He is definitely being a great friend.
LittleTiger Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 That's really good to hear Butterfly. He does sound like a caring person and, now that he knows, you have another friend for support when you need it. If you are hoping this new relationship will develop into something special I would be careful not to lean on him too much, but at least he now understands if you don't seem your usual self at the moment. I know it's still early days but I hope you are starting to feel a little better. Here's another (((hug))) from me.
Author Butterfly16 Posted November 15, 2010 Author Posted November 15, 2010 Thanks Little Tiger! Actually, we had such a nice visit and chatted awhile the following day. I think we may have come to a mutual understanding about where we both stand. Looks like we will be fine. He's going out of town (well, state) for a short time on business, so that will give us both time to deal with our own personal issues/situations. I am feeling slightly better and even though returning to work feels just like I'm going through the motions...its better that I keep busy and see people again to help me through this acceptance. Thanks for the hug too! Take care!
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