ok, I've made the break

[myname]

So, I've done it and it hurts but I hope I can carry it through this time.

 

After all before in my last post, I saw him again and again, just had a weekend with him, of course cos his wife was away, and as ever I knew that I was only getting him then cos his wife wasn't about and that when she came back it would return again to how it all has been, and I realised I couldn't take it anymore, so this evening when he phoned to try to arrange to see me again I told him that it was over, not to contact me again.

 

It hurts really bad, I can hardly believe how I'm going to cope without speaking to him everyday as I'm used to, not ever going to see him again, but I know it was hurting me seeing him anyway. I know this is the only way for me to change anything, to move forward and stop my pain, but right now I'm mourning the loss of him from my life.

 

I told him not to have any contact, not because I don't want it, but because I know it won't ever make me feel better the way things are.

 

I know this has to be done but I'm suffering, and it's hard, please tell me I've done the right thing and that I'll survive this. It's hard not to want the contact, but I've burnt that bridge and know I can't make any move now to change it, please help me for if he does contact me, not to fall into it again.

 

Please I know I made this pain for myself but I need some support.

[4321sn]

What was his reaction? Was he shocked? Did he know that you were upset and feeling badly?

[siuys]

Hi myname, you have done the right thing, and the pain will go away as many have told me. Not sure how long your A has been going on, but as ridiculous as it sounds, be grateful that your xMM did not move out, gave you hope, talked about a future, switched teams and went back to his W twice only to come back days later. Be thankful that the roller coaster ride is now over. Be thankful that you have the strength to end it as you are much better than this. Be reassured that you will be fine. Believe it because although you are hurting like hell now, you WILL be good and happy again.

 

Last but not least, be re-assured that you have done the right thing because why would you want to stay in an R with so much pain? What happened to joy and happiness?

 

All the best to you.

[Star_Bright]

I definitely think you've done the right thing. Good for you! I know it hurts now but in the end you know this is for the best and you will start feeling better. Hugs and congrats!

[myname]

What was his reaction? Was he shocked? Did he know that you were upset and feeling badly?

 

I went to bed soon after my post last night, although I didn't sleep well so have only just seen your posts. Thanks for responding.

 

His reaction was not shocked, we've had conversations before where I've tried to end it. This time everytime he started to say anything I just talked over him, saying again that I couldn't stand the situation any more, that it was hurting me and that if he truly cared for me as he always said he did then he would accept it and stop contacting me.

 

He knows I'm upset, he knows this was going to come at some point.

 

I can't recall a lot of what he said because I was talking over him, but it'll have all been the same old stuff, that it's his house he's staying there for, not to be with her (yeah yeah, I don't believe it and even if that was the case there's ways of doing that and it doesn't involve lying and going on holiday together), that it's because he's worried about his work (sure can't we all worry about our work that's still no reason to stay in a supposedly unsatisfactory relationship), that she'll make things difficult and do the things she's threatened like contacting me, our work colleagues etc (again, is that a reason to stay? No and anyway I've heard of her threats and none of them have ever been followed through so I just don't believe it).

 

He ended the conversation with all lots of love and till the next time, I just said good bye.

[myname]

Hi myname, you have done the right thing, and the pain will go away as many have told me. Not sure how long your A has been going on, but as ridiculous as it sounds, be grateful that your xMM did not move out, gave you hope, talked about a future, switched teams and went back to his W twice only to come back days later. Be thankful that the roller coaster ride is now over. Be thankful that you have the strength to end it as you are much better than this. Be reassured that you will be fine. Believe it because although you are hurting like hell now, you WILL be good and happy again.

 

Last but not least, be re-assured that you have done the right thing because why would you want to stay in an R with so much pain? What happened to joy and happiness?

 

All the best to you.

 

Thank you. I'm going to reply to every post I get here, it's helping to stop me from contacting him.

 

He did leave and go back a couple of times. About a year ago he left for a week, at the time he said to be with me, although he only spent one night with me, the rest of the time he was in a hotel round the corner from his house. In retrospect I think she probably chucked him out cos he'd told her about us, and then of course he went back making all kinds of lying promises to her. Then this summer he had me practically on stand by for him leaving so many weekends, one time he'd packed his bags and said he was going, but apparently she begged him to stay and wouldn't let him leave the house, so guess what he stayed. Another time he left for one night, stayed with me, went back again. I should be grateful this rollercoaster is over.

 

I should be glad that I'll never have to hear him going on about his problems any more.

 

I still feel upset and angry, at the time I've wasted, at the hopes I had, at the emptiness that I now feel in my life.

[myname]

I definitely think you've done the right thing. Good for you! I know it hurts now but in the end you know this is for the best and you will start feeling better. Hugs and congrats!

 

Thanks, it's really hard right now, but I've deleted all his calls and texts so I don't have his number anymore and can't contact him that way.

 

I've also flagged his email address as junk so it goes straight into my junk folder which gets deleted every day.

 

He's already emailed me though, late last night, sending me his recollections of just before we got together, I did skim it, but now I've deleted it. I didn't reply. He said he had another story to send me if I ever wanted it, he sounded a bit bitter actually, even with the obligatory xxx sign off. Makes me feel both angry and like I want to give a justification/explanation, my side of the story, but I'm not going to, it'll just pull me back in.

[4321sn]

You should be proud of yourself. You are standing your ground. I have already caved and now I feel crappy again. Don't do it

[myname]

You should be proud of yourself. You are standing your ground. I have already caved and now I feel crappy again. Don't do it

 

Thanks, I have caved many times before this, and it's still very early days. The feelings I'm experiencing now come and go, one minute I'm back into hoping I'll hear something, get something that shows me he really cares, then I'm angry and wanting to tell him all the ways he let me down, then I'm worried about how he is and thinking does he think I never cared at all, and then every now and again I feel ok, sad but calm and hopeful that I'm going to make it this time.

 

I'm trying to remember all the times I felt let down, all the conversations we had where it was obvious he couldn't make up his mind and all the times I listened to him going on about himself, his issues, his problems in his marriage, his worries about work, and I won't ever have to hear any of that stuff anymore as long as I don't have any contact with him.

 

I'm just taking every minute as it comes, trying to ride through the painful times, the times of longing, just doing nothing about it, as long as I can keep doing nothing, no phone calls, no texts, no email, then those tiny moments of relief will keep coming too.

[myname]

I'm home from work and now is the hardest time so far, would've normally spoken to him around this time, and he'd wanted to see me tomorrow when we spoke yesterday.

 

I'm not going to contact him, it's just hard right now. I'm missing him and feeling the loss and feeling regret about it all.

 

My mind is wondering what he's up to now, what he's thinking, wish it wasn't but that's how it is. I know this feeling is going to keep returning and I just have to not act on it. Feel sad and lonely.

[myname]

Weird, I just got an empty text message from MM, even though I deleted his details from my phone I can recognise the number if not remember it.

 

Oh well, a ploy to make me think of him or contact him I guess. Silly man doesn't he know I've been thinking of him all day but I'm not going to contact him because of it.

 

I'm going to turn my phone off now, just in case he phones, cos that might just make me break my resolve.

[siuys]

Hi myname, thanks for the reply. Wow, so he did leave and go back a couple of times. Blimey.

 

xMM just threw me under the bus just last week and then contacted me again saying he's in love with me and hasn't given up. I have since wrote him a final reply (you can view one of my recent threads if so inclined).

 

I'm doing ok considering, but I am experiencing something new. For the first time, I have been wondering if everything was just one big lie. And the more I read on LS and other sites, the more I now know that my situation was far from unique. I find myself wanting so badly to really end it, and to tell him that, and at the same time, there is still a glimmer of hoping, which I hate. I also find that I cannot take him seriously anymore, and I am beginning to think he's full of it, and so incredibly selfish. I once read that men have affairs for THEM, not because of you. So true.

 

Last time when he told me he was going back to his W and working on his M (what a joke when you think about it), I was a mess, and brokenhearted. This time, it's a little numb and edging towards indifference.

 

All I can say is I hope you see the situation, and him as it is, rather than with rose-tinted glasses. I hope you see you no longer need to put up with more pain, and that the pain of letting him go will dissipate.

 

I am working on writing him off totally from my head. I wish I had a delete button. All the best.

[newpriorities]

I'm home from work and now is the hardest time so far, would've normally spoken to him around this time, and he'd wanted to see me tomorrow when we spoke yesterday.

 

I'm not going to contact him, it's just hard right now. I'm missing him and feeling the loss and feeling regret about it all.

 

My mind is wondering what he's up to now, what he's thinking, wish it wasn't but that's how it is. I know this feeling is going to keep returning and I just have to not act on it. Feel sad and lonely.

 

Hang in there myname. There are quite a few of us currently posting that are going through the exact same thing at this very moment--you are not alone! Not to mention the wisdom of those who have been through this disaster and survived. I'm treating it like an addiction--I have to remove the source and when temptation hits (which it inevitably does), have a Plan B in place. I literally sat there with my phone in hand composing a text to my recently xMM; I stopped and just stared at it...oh how badly I wanted to send it! But for what? As we know, we have traveled down this road before and did it lead anywhere different? No! So, I deleted the text and instead wrote him a letter which helped me vent, but ripped it up later and through it away. You need outlets for those moments when you are the most low, the most weak. For me, I've started taking a bubble bath every evening when I get that urge to text! a. I don't want to risk taking my phone into the tub and b. by the time I'm done, the urge has passed (or at least reduced!) Let me tell you, I am turning into a bona fide prune but that's better than the alternative:D

I also come on these boards just to remind myself how many of us have been here and to remind myself that there is a way out--to take back control of our lives and to actually LIVE, instead of waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting.......

Hang in there!

[myname]

Hi myname, thanks for the reply. Wow, so he did leave and go back a couple of times. Blimey.

 

xMM just threw me under the bus just last week and then contacted me again saying he's in love with me and hasn't given up. I have since wrote him a final reply (you can view one of my recent threads if so inclined).

 

I'm doing ok considering, but I am experiencing something new. For the first time, I have been wondering if everything was just one big lie. And the more I read on LS and other sites, the more I now know that my situation was far from unique. I find myself wanting so badly to really end it, and to tell him that, and at the same time, there is still a glimmer of hoping, which I hate. I also find that I cannot take him seriously anymore, and I am beginning to think he's full of it, and so incredibly selfish. I once read that men have affairs for THEM, not because of you. So true.

 

Last time when he told me he was going back to his W and working on his M (what a joke when you think about it), I was a mess, and brokenhearted. This time, it's a little numb and edging towards indifference.

 

All I can say is I hope you see the situation, and him as it is, rather than with rose-tinted glasses. I hope you see you no longer need to put up with more pain, and that the pain of letting him go will dissipate.

 

I am working on writing him off totally from my head. I wish I had a delete button. All the best.

 

Glad you're doing ok, it is hard though isn't it?

 

And I too find those thoughts that everything was a lie hard to deal with. Those are the times I feel most angry and bitter when I think he always knew he would stay married, that he was stringing me along and that nothing would ever come of things and now he's still got the comfort of his wife and hasn't lost a single thing, it hurts to think he's still with her, still planning their future together, enjoying all the comforts of having a committed and loyal partner in life, while I am lonely and having to rebuild my life from scratch. But then I remember that it is better for me to get that chance to go forward on my own than to still be hanging around being available for him while he was still doing all those things with his wife anyway.

 

And for her, it's crap, she knows he cheated and over a long time, she obviously doesn't know it all, but she knows enough that I imagine the comfort she has from her life partner is severely tarnished. He's the only one who appears to have not lost much from the whole debacle.

 

I saw your reply your MM, it was great, really strong and clear, and if you can don't back down from that. The only thing we can do is to show these men that they can't have us on the side of their marriage. At least that way we show them that we matter to us more than they do, and that's the way it should be now.

[myname]

Hang in there myname. There are quite a few of us currently posting that are going through the exact same thing at this very moment--you are not alone! Not to mention the wisdom of those who have been through this disaster and survived. I'm treating it like an addiction--I have to remove the source and when temptation hits (which it inevitably does), have a Plan B in place. I literally sat there with my phone in hand composing a text to my recently xMM; I stopped and just stared at it...oh how badly I wanted to send it! But for what? As we know, we have traveled down this road before and did it lead anywhere different? No! So, I deleted the text and instead wrote him a letter which helped me vent, but ripped it up later and through it away. You need outlets for those moments when you are the most low, the most weak. For me, I've started taking a bubble bath every evening when I get that urge to text! a. I don't want to risk taking my phone into the tub and b. by the time I'm done, the urge has passed (or at least reduced!) Let me tell you, I am turning into a bona fide prune but that's better than the alternative:D

I also come on these boards just to remind myself how many of us have been here and to remind myself that there is a way out--to take back control of our lives and to actually LIVE, instead of waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting.......

Hang in there!

 

I'm hanging in there, just letting the dreadful feelings come and go like the waves on a beach, it really helps me to post here, gets some of those feelings out and then reading through all the posts reminds me why I'm doing this.

 

It's been such a short time but feels like ages.

 

I was lucky yesterday evening, a friend came to stay at my house the night, cos he had work in my town and it's better for him than staying in a hotel. Just had a relaxing and pleasant evening, was nice to have some company, someone to talk to, although he's not someone I felt I could talk about all this with. I feel a lot of shame about allowing myself to get caught up with MM and also shame for having been so let down by him.

 

Anyway, life goes on, I play loud music when it all gets to me too much, then I can't be listening out for a message or call on my phone.

 

I wish strength to all of us going through this, and seems there's a lot of us.

[pureinheart]

Thanks, I have caved many times before this, and it's still very early days. The feelings I'm experiencing now come and go, one minute I'm back into hoping I'll hear something, get something that shows me he really cares, then I'm angry and wanting to tell him all the ways he let me down, then I'm worried about how he is and thinking does he think I never cared at all, and then every now and again I feel ok, sad but calm and hopeful that I'm going to make it this time.

 

I'm trying to remember all the times I felt let down, all the conversations we had where it was obvious he couldn't make up his mind and all the times I listened to him going on about himself, his issues, his problems in his marriage, his worries about work, and I won't ever have to hear any of that stuff anymore as long as I don't have any contact with him.

 

I'm just taking every minute as it comes, trying to ride through the painful times, the times of longing, just doing nothing about it, as long as I can keep doing nothing, no phone calls, no texts, no email, then those tiny moments of relief will keep coming too.

 

 

It's like withdrawl huh...my only suggestion would be to change your routine...everything feels weird right now, but it will become normal soon.

 

I feel out of wack too. I just keep busy and try to encourage myself...stay busy. It does get better...just be glad your not quitting smoking, that is worse, for real...just a bit of uncalled for humor, sorry (but it really is the truth)...hey you got my thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery from the pain...take care...k...

[myname]

It's like withdrawl huh...my only suggestion would be to change your routine...everything feels weird right now, but it will become normal soon.

 

I feel out of wack too. I just keep busy and try to encourage myself...stay busy. It does get better...just be glad your not quitting smoking, that is worse, for real...just a bit of uncalled for humor, sorry (but it really is the truth)...hey you got my thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery from the pain...take care...k...

 

Thanks.

 

It is so like withdrawal, I did give up smoking 10 years ago after a 20 a day habit, and it's so similar. There's the putting it off just for a few minutes, that helps when the urge to contact gets bad. I think I just won't do it now, wait five mins, then another hour, then another day...

 

Also, being too proud to break helps, thinking to myself I've told people I've stopped, I don't want to go back on that.

 

Good luck.

[4321sn]

I just picked up the book How to Break Yout Addiction to a Persin. Just started reading it...

I'll let u know if it's helpful.

[myname]

The ever changing moods of no contact, argh.

 

I've got a bitter feeling right now, imagining MM happily carrying on with his life and his wife, he made no changes and now his world can continue with no consequences for him. It's bugging me right now, that I'm hurting and having to deal with all the fallout from the errors I made all on my own while he has nothing to do but sit at home still taking the affection and love and support from his betrayed and desperate to hold her marriage together wife, not having to face up to or pay for the errors he made.

 

Yuck, I know I'm being childish, petty and mean, but why doesn't he have to suffer the consequences of this affair like everyone else involved has had to? Me, I know it's my own fault and I never should have got involved, but I'm paying for it now. His wife is suffering and suspicious and devastated, she's paying for it although she didn't create it, and I truly am sorry about that, I know too little too late.

 

Really don't want to feel like this.

[siuys]

myname, I know how you feel. I believe xMM does suffer. He may not show you, or tell you, but it's no fun living a lie, and being deceitful and hurtful to others he cares about. what goes round, comes round. I don't know the details of your situation, but I can see how my xMM was/is truly torn, and that creates a lot of pain for him and everyone involved. It's not an excuse for their behaviour. Especially now that i am sticking to my guns about NC and about not putting up with any more **** from him, i KNOW he will feel the pain.

[fooled once]

So, I've done it and it hurts but I hope I can carry it through this time.

 

After all before in my last post, I saw him again and again, just had a weekend with him, of course cos his wife was away, and as ever I knew that I was only getting him then cos his wife wasn't about and that when she came back it would return again to how it all has been, and I realised I couldn't take it anymore, so this evening when he phoned to try to arrange to see me again I told him that it was over, not to contact me again.

 

It hurts really bad, I can hardly believe how I'm going to cope without speaking to him everyday as I'm used to, not ever going to see him again, but I know it was hurting me seeing him anyway. I know this is the only way for me to change anything, to move forward and stop my pain, but right now I'm mourning the loss of him from my life.

 

I told him not to have any contact, not because I don't want it, but because I know it won't ever make me feel better the way things are.

 

I know this has to be done but I'm suffering, and it's hard, please tell me I've done the right thing and that I'll survive this. It's hard not to want the contact, but I've burnt that bridge and know I can't make any move now to change it, please help me for if he does contact me, not to fall into it again.

 

Please I know I made this pain for myself but I need some support.

 

You have done the right thing for you and you will be fine. You lived before him, you will live after him. Hopefully, along the way, you have learned some things and won't make the same choice in the future to be involved with a married man.

 

Good luck.

[myname]

myname, I know how you feel. I believe xMM does suffer. He may not show you, or tell you, but it's no fun living a lie, and being deceitful and hurtful to others he cares about. what goes round, comes round. I don't know the details of your situation, but I can see how my xMM was/is truly torn, and that creates a lot of pain for him and everyone involved. It's not an excuse for their behaviour. Especially now that i am sticking to my guns about NC and about not putting up with any more **** from him, i KNOW he will feel the pain.

 

He might be suffering, he might not. I have no way of knowing. In some ways although I know I told him not to contact me, not to send a message saying he misses me, not to update me on his marriage situation, and apart from the one email he sent that same night and the empty text he sent the evening after (neither of which I responded to) he hasn't contacted me and so maybe he is respecting what I requested, but I also feel a bit irritated that he hasn't cos I'm thinking he has just been able to go back to his old life, and is doing just fine.

 

I know I shouldn't think this way, but I'm struggling with thoughts of how he now will be settling back into his married life and it's really upsetting for me. I think of him smiling and telling her he loves her, them in bed together, going out on a trip together at the weekend, reconnecting. It's stupid of me but I'm feeling down about how everything is still in place for him, he's got his life partner there, he's got no reason to miss me, and is probably relieved he doesn't have to run around anymore lying.

 

It makes me feel like I was just a pain in his life that now has absented itself. While for me I have nothing and noone else to turn to and my life feels so totally affected by all this and I miss him and miss the hopes of what could have been and feel utterly miserable.

[myname]

You have done the right thing for you and you will be fine. You lived before him, you will live after him. Hopefully, along the way, you have learned some things and won't make the same choice in the future to be involved with a married man.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you. I know I've done the only thing I could do, but I'm not doing too well, am upset and feeling a huge loss.