naiveorblind Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Here goes...we were married 10 years (2 kids), seven years ago he cheated on me and we divorced 5 years ago. I was as much to blame for the failure of the marriage as he was...the cheating was just the last straw. We both dated around but no serious relationships since. Up until 4 mo. ago our relationship was cold a lot of fighting, only speaking when necessary for the kids needs/etc. Eight months ago he lost his job and his home, moved in with his brother who kind of helped him get back on his feet. It was during that time that he started becoming very nice and accomodating to me and the kids...wanting to do things with the kids and me too...confusing, but I was going with it because I always thought that if he and I could get along, it would be better for the kids. One thing led to another and we became good friends, he had a falling-out with his brother and I offered him my couch. I offered to help him get a place of his own. After a few weeks of sleeping on the couch we were getting along really well, we talked about our relationship and working on being more than friends, more than the parents of the same kids. After this we started kissing a little here and there, just pecking though...like to say 'hello'. He started sleeping in my bed. We say 'love you' when leaving. Hugging sometimes, but that's IT. I have flirted, messed around, teased...but nothing...I've said stuff like "if you'd like to get lucky tonight, bring it on". I cannot bring myself to start anything...I just know he would reject me...I just don't get the vibe from him that he is at all interested sexually. I don't understand this because we are getting along so well in the other facets of our relationship. I think it to be a little creepy that we sleep in the same bed and never touch. What do you think is going on? Is this normal? What should I say/do? Thanks for reading....any input is appreciated....
ARISthess Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Hi I'll offer my 2 cents... I think he's into you... and he might be seeing this as an opportunity to do things right the second time around... About his hesitation to take it further... from what I understand from your story, he isn't really back on his feet yet... Is he working now? Your supporting him, and he probably doesn't have the money in his pocket that he would like. This is hitting him where it hurts, its affecting his confidence. If we don't feel confidence, we're never comfortable enough to give 100%. I think that as he gets better you'll notice him opening up more. Do you like the idea of having another shot with him?
Ajax Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Hi I'll offer my 2 cents... I think he's into you... and he might be seeing this as an opportunity to do things right the second time around... About his hesitation to take it further... from what I understand from your story, he isn't really back on his feet yet... Is he working now? Your supporting him, and he probably doesn't have the money in his pocket that he would like. This is hitting him where it hurts, its affecting his confidence. If we don't feel confidence, we're never comfortable enough to give 100%. I think that as he gets better you'll notice him opening up more. Do you like the idea of having another shot with him? I was thinking something similar. Obviously you have to be careful and don't get too swept away with the idea of the two of you getting back together. You also need to be open to the possibility that he's using you for free room and board. It's possible. But it's also possible that he does want another chance. I think if I were in his position without a job and a place of his own, I'd be a little cautious too. He probably doesn't feel like the provider that he wants to be, either for you or the kids. That definately takes a toll on the ol' libido.
durkadurka Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 What he thinks is irrelevant. The major question is, how do you feel?
Author naiveorblind Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 Thanks for all the advice guys! To answer questions: he is working some, not steady, but I do see that the work is helping his confidence some (even if not in bed). When not working, he does laundry, cooks and is working on things around the house. I AM VERY appreciative of this and tell him often how wonderful he his to do these things. I don't complain about him not working. How do I feel? I love him. I'm cautious though because of the intimacy thing...I need to feel that closeness to fortify the love I feel and hopefully he feels. This situation is not helping my self confidence, that's for sure. I feel like it would be nagging to complain about this to him; I sure don't want him to feel worse if he is having a libido problem. I just have this nagging feeling that he's just not attracted to me...that I'm great as a friend, a mom of his kids, someone to take to his family get togethers...but I'm not good enough to have sex with...do I dare ask him this question??
ARISthess Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 I'm the kind of guy that likes to get things out in the open and talk about them, but I don't think this would really help your situation. Give him some time, you say he's already starting to feel more confident. Him helping around the house is also a way to make himself feel usefull. Once he gets a more steady job, he'll start feeling more than usefull... he'll start feeling like he's the person you can depend on. Thats when you should expect something, and talk about it if it doesn't come on its own. I know you want to nagg/get it out in the open because its affecting your confidence as well... try to hold back and be loving supporting and if you have a chance to show him that 'you depend on him' for something do it.. feeling needed will give him a great boost! Of course, just as Ajax said above.. also be wary that he isn't just using you for free room and board... Post and let us know how things are going
Don Ho Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 I don't necessarily think that he's using you, I think he's gone back to a place where he's comfortable. You know, like your old favorite jeans. My concern is that he loves you and is fond of you, after all you were married and you have kids together, but he is not "in love" with you. Hence, his reluctance or lack of interest in the bedroom. I agree I don't think brining up the subject is going to help. Maybe it's best for you to have him go back to the couch or the spare bedroom. I think you might be setting yourself up for a disappointment.
Author naiveorblind Posted November 11, 2010 Author Posted November 11, 2010 Thanks Don for the insight...you are probably right...seems to make the most sense, although I wish Aris' suggestion was the answer. There's just no intimate contact instigated by him...even after a few beers...not a touch, a look, nothing. I have suggested that I think he would be more comfortable back on the couch or out in a finished part of the barn that has a futon in it, but he didn't bite, saying he was fine, if I was fine with him sleeping in the bedroom. I will be disappointed if what you say is the case; but what do I do about it? He said the other night he was there to stay, he's been re-arranging things in the barn to make himself a work area...this is all fine and dandy if there is a future for us as a couple. If not...I would like to continue to search for someone that is not only a friend, but a lover...and having my ex living with me sure isn't going to help in that endeavor. I feel I need to address this before all this living-together stuff gets out of hand...I'm all for helping him, and I'm grateful we've become close...he doesn't have to go any time soon, but...what do I say/do to keep him from really getting mad?
ARISthess Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Thanks Don for the insight...you are probably right...seems to make the most sense, although I wish Aris' suggestion was the answer. There's just no intimate contact instigated by him...even after a few beers...not a touch, a look, nothing. I have suggested that I think he would be more comfortable back on the couch or out in a finished part of the barn that has a futon in it, but he didn't bite, saying he was fine, if I was fine with him sleeping in the bedroom. I will be disappointed if what you say is the case; but what do I do about it? He said the other night he was there to stay, he's been re-arranging things in the barn to make himself a work area...this is all fine and dandy if there is a future for us as a couple. If not...I would like to continue to search for someone that is not only a friend, but a lover...and having my ex living with me sure isn't going to help in that endeavor. I feel I need to address this before all this living-together stuff gets out of hand...I'm all for helping him, and I'm grateful we've become close...he doesn't have to go any time soon, but...what do I say/do to keep him from really getting mad? Don does have a point... It could be 50-50 right now... What he said.. about being here to stay... He showed you his intentions, but was not clear... but I do think he put the ball in your court. After hearing such a statement you now have the 'right' to question your relationship, or at least where he sees it going. I'm not sure if you should ask him straight out what he wants from you, but you could say something like 'since you're here to stay, where do you see us in the future?'. Let him get it off his chest first before you speak. Try to start the conversation at a good time, but don't wait too long. He's getting settled in and thats not something you want to happen if his answer is not what you are looking for.
Author naiveorblind Posted November 15, 2010 Author Posted November 15, 2010 OK -- ARIS, I tried the "future" question on him...he said that if we continue to get along, our family could be "better than your brother's" -- let me explain, I have a much older brother who has a successful marriage, three great kids who are grown and successful. Also, in the conversation I got off onto a "point A, point B" tangent with regard to just our relationship...here we are at point A...what do you see as point B? He said he wasn't sure what I was asking..that right now he was "just trying to get along" with me. I didn't push it after that...didn't want to bring up the intimacy thing if all he's trying to do is "get along" with me.
Don Ho Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 What "convenient" answers from him, like 'I'm just trying to get along with you'. And answers that don't appear to have much substance. 'We might have something better than your brother'. Yeah and we might get wiped out by a Tornado tomorrow too. Just my "read" on it, but I think he's stringing you along. He really hasn't given you any concrete statements and his actions don't show much either, including not getting intimate with you. Hmmm. If I was hot on my S.O. I would be getting busy. So something is going on there.
Author naiveorblind Posted November 19, 2010 Author Posted November 19, 2010 OK boys...just my luck....he asked me to help him out with his cell phone. It wasn't working right...while playing around with it I saw it...one tiny text consisting of nothing but a question mark "?" from the girl he cheated on me with. I showed it to him and he said he had no idea..that he hadn't spoken to her for years...didn't know why it was there. Before showing him I looked at the history of calls and texts...nothing else, just that one "?" from her. Later, I told him to just come clean with me...that we had become good friends, if nothing else...that if he was still seeing her, it would explain a lot. That I wouldn't kick him out, he has become so close to the kids, that we'd just have to adjust the sleeping arrangements and work on a plan for him to move. He insisted that he knew not why the text was there, that he doesn't speak to her, or see her, or text her. Honestly I don't know when he would see her...she works during the day and he's been working some days...of an evening he is at the house or out in the barn...if he leaves, he usually takes a kid with him. So, I told him I would believe him and not speak of it again What do you think of this? Should I have said I believed him? It's really bothering me.
Author naiveorblind Posted November 19, 2010 Author Posted November 19, 2010 A quick update...we had lunch together today...and during the conversation I asked him how he thought we were doing...he said "I think we're both doing the best we can" .... if anyone can decode this manspeak I'd appreciate it....WTF
Kic Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 It's not an answer at all. The reason he is not being more specific one way or the other is that he may be evaluating other opportunities with other women. You might be a backup - a particularly reliable backup, actually, since you are not dating and have children with him. He knows he can take his time.
Author naiveorblind Posted November 22, 2010 Author Posted November 22, 2010 Thanks for the insight Kic...you are probably right... He's got a place to stay, ideal actually because it's with his kids, free rent, and he's not seeing anyone right now (never mind me). No intimacy means not such a messy break-up later when he does find someone....how convenient! Am I glad I can look at this thru new eyes, and not be so enamored with the idea of us getting back together? ..I guess I'll keep looking too, and when and if I find someone, he'll just have to move out. I guess I should lay all of this out on the table, just so he's not surprised when I do start dating or when I ask him to leave? I guess when he mentions stuff about the future...like we're all going to be some happy family....he's thinking about he and I being friends enough to do things for the benefit of the kids... I hate this. I want so much for him to love me/want me....what a crock of sh*#.
Don Ho Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Am I glad I can look at this thru new eyes, and not be so enamored with the idea of us getting back together? ..I guess I'll keep looking too, and when and if I find someone, he'll just have to move out. I guess I should lay all of this out on the table, just so he's not surprised when I do start dating or when I ask him to leave? Well it sounds like you understand what he's doing (or not doing in this case) but you're really not getting it. He's being vague to avoid lying and telling you he doesn't "feel it" for you anymore. He's there because of obligation, loyalty to family, for the kids and so on. If you want to be in a loveless, sexless marriage with your room mate, you can. You have to do more than "just look around". You need to believe that you are SINGLE and actively pursue other men. And NO, do not have a conversation about it with him. There's no point. Start meeting and dating. Once you find a new guy you won't care about asking him to move out.
ARISthess Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I'm sorry my initial intuition wasn't the right one Have you started distancing yourself/making yourself not available? Keep us posted
Author naiveorblind Posted November 30, 2010 Author Posted November 30, 2010 Just these past couple of days I've been setting people straight when they mention that we are back together. Over the weekend we went to a party at his cousin's house where someone toasted " Jxxx and Txxx are back together--thank God! ". I let it go; later I asked him why he didn't set them straight, because we were far from "back together"..he had no answer...so I told him he had better start, and I was going to as well...he said OK, but haven't had a chance to see him do it...but I'm doing it every chance I get. You know...my heart aches a little...I feel a bit of a loss of love again...I don't know why we couldn't arrive at this place in the first place...I'm sure glad I didn't throw myself at him...boy would that have been a slap in the face, an embarrasment, a let-down. Now the next question -- Is it wierd that we are going places together? Like his or my family functions, with and without the kids? Out to eat without the kids? These alone things should stop...don't you think?
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