Alex_M Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 I messaged a girl on facebook that I used to hangout with at college (17 & she lives with her parents). I got her number pretty easily but when I tried asking her out she made some poor excuse so I left it alone. She then started trying to contact me every day and she seemed fun so I asked her out again. Again I got a lame excuse. So I asked her, "I don't understand why you keep messaging me if you're not interested. Are you just messing me around? I can't stand that." She replied saying that she wasn't. She then brings up a bunch of things that she'd like to go and do. Whenever I try and confirm dates, again, excuses. After a bit of probing I find out that she finds it hard to go out because of her parents (asian). At this point I'm thinking, oh right well I guess that explains some of it. I give lots of warning on my next request and she accepts. However a few days later she asks to change the date to next week because her parents need more warning. At this point I'm really pissed off and tell her that she should just tell them that she's just got asked to go out now. (It's friday night, I refuse to believe she needs to give several days notice on going out on a firday night. After she told me previously she rarely plans in advance.) I get one word back saying "no." This really got to me, one word answer and she's not even going to try? That's just lame right? so I text back: "Why the hell not? Are you a child? If you don't want to go just say so, is there any reason that you say you want to go and do something and change your mind every time with a bull**** excuse?" She never replied and deleted me from facebook a few days later. I feel like I'm in the right but was I too harsh? Why would she keep trying to contact me, deny messing me around yet keep refusing dates? Another guy perhaps? Thanks for replying to a dumb question.
Sarah1977 Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 I don't deal with that level of disrespect. So I would have cut you loose too. Good for her.
dispatch3d Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 I don't deal with that level of disrespect. So I would have cut you loose too. Good for her. Could you expand on this? I don't understand the point of view. She created a reaction in him that would be pretty natural. I get upset if I feel like someone is messing around with me, and in my experience girls who think I'm messing around with them get the same reaction. My view is this. If you asked her out a couple times, and she kept canceling with poor excuses or whatever, then I would have stopped asking her out. If you ask her out once, and she cancels with a lame excuse, I don't see why she would all the sudden change her behaviour the third fourth or fifth time. I think 2-3 times is fine and normal if you can emotionally handle it. That said, if you keep asking her out and she keeps saying no, yet continues to text you and this does actually annoy you, then I would cut her off completely. If she wants to text you all the time, she can date you. Otherwise, no texty texty ;-) There are no dumb questions brah
Sarah1977 Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Could you expand on this? I don't understand the point of view. I think it's possible to disagree with someone and even become angry at someone without talking to them like they're garbage. It's called expressing your opinion maturely and respectfully. Name calling, swearing, throwing spoiled little tantrum.....deal breakers for me. If I received a text message like the one he sent (Right or wrong), I'd have cut him out like a paper doll. I would NEVER speak to someone like that and I expect the same treatment in return. REGARDLESS of anger.
dispatch3d Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 I think it's possible to disagree with someone and even become angry at someone without talking to them like they're garbage. It's called expressing your opinion maturely and respectfully. Name calling, swearing, throwing spoiled little tantrum.....deal breakers for me. If I received a text message like the one he sent (Right or wrong), I'd have cut him out like a paper doll. I would NEVER speak to someone like that and I expect the same treatment in return. REGARDLESS of anger. Ah ok, yeah I agree. It wasn't the event itself, but his last message that was delivered in a bad manner. One of my personal biggest rules people can't cross is respect. I can take and handle a lot of things, but if someone is disrespectful I still have emotional reactions to it. This does bother me, because ultimately I'd prefer to get angry less often, and be overall easier to get along with. However, it's a strong limiting belief (if it is one) for me. Like I'm not sure it's limiting. On the one hand, it makes me harder to get along with because invariably people WILL disrespect me regardless of whether I have this rule or not. Having the rule doesn't change the outside population. If we took the rule of respect to an extreme, and we found just cursing in language to be "disrespectful" then you would be mad at anyone who swore (very unreasonable!). However, I have a sense of self-worth that makes me demand a certain amount of space in the world. This really is my only true demand, but it's there. Respect my space and who I am, and we be coo man. Prime example of someone crossing my boundary. Today in class I asked a question about a test, how long in pages will the individual questions be. The teacher gave me a lol I just answered that are you dumb. This attitude is reallllllyyyy not cool with me. I gave her a pretty hard look no doubt, and there wasn't too much laughing from me....... This is kind of food for thought. It's one of those beliefs I have that I'm battling with and still undecided which way I'll go with it.
Author Alex_M Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 Thanks for your swift replies. I agree that perhaps swearing wasn't entirely necissary but like dispatch3d said I was pretty frustrated, it made me feel better and got the level of my irritation across. It wasn't my intention to be disrespectful, I just wanted a clear response. Yes or no, I don't care if she's not interested but why feign it and string me along?
that girl Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 "Why the hell not? Are you a child? If you don't want to go just say so, is there any reason that you say you want to go and do something and change your mind every time with a bull**** excuse?" If she's 17, she is legally a child. Your little rant was also pretty bullying and childish.
welikeincrowds Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Ha! You had a tantrum. Isn't it ironic that you called her a child? But it doesn't get any clearer, thanks to the brevity of her text. You saw the word "no" and you didn't like the answer. Your ego hadn't been sufficiently coddled. Like many people do in life, she gave you a boundary. What she also did -- which many people will NOT do -- is give you a compromise. With these choices either you agree, and stay in, or you don't, and walk away. Instead, you tried to kick the fence down, with no tact and a sour look on your face. But the most naive thing you did was believe you and your technique could somehow match up to her Strict Asian Parents. Emotional manipulation holds no sway against this immutable force of discipline. Couldn't you tell by the bright clarity of her simple, undecorated "No"? You really should have known better.
Author Alex_M Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 I don't think you have any idea what you're talking about. I didn't have a tantrum I just wanted an explanation. I didn't acuse her of anything. She'd been messing me around for over a month and yeah it was make or break. She wasn't being honest in her reasoning so why would I bother being tactile? I'm not going to jump through hoops for someone just so I don't hurt their feelings. My question was; was it too harsh? Should I have done something differently? Not, please judge my personality based on a few texts and act like you have me figured out as a person. "You should have known better." - I like this the best in your responce. If I should have known better why would I be on here asking?
that girl Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 I didn't have a tantrum I just wanted an explanation. I didn't acuse her of anything. Yes, you did have a tantrum. The mature way to handle it would be: You keep telling me you're busy and I'm starting to think you're blowing me off. I would like to go on a date with you, but since I'm not sure if I'm pestering you I am going to leave the ball in your court. If you'd like to go out with me, pick a date you can 100% make. Otherwise, I'll consider this over. Notice how there are no insults in that version unlike yours.
slownumbers81 Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 "Why the hell not? Are you a child? If you don't want to go just say so, is there any reason that you say you want to go and do something and change your mind every time with a bull**** excuse?" Yes, you were too harsh. That's quite an aggressive message and I would have likely done the same thing she did.
Yer_Blues Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Yes, you did have a tantrum. The mature way to handle it would be: You keep telling me you're busy and I'm starting to think you're blowing me off. I would like to go on a date with you, but since I'm not sure if I'm pestering you I am going to leave the ball in your court. If you'd like to go out with me, pick a date you can 100% make. Otherwise, I'll consider this over. Notice how there are no insults in that version unlike yours. That's a pretty ****ing long text
Author Alex_M Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 Alright, well thanks for the effort. At least it's constructive. However I think I have to clear some things up. SHE was messaging ME EVERY day (not a case of me pestering her at all) and often asking me to take her out. At no point did she say she was busy (I would never get mad about that being an excuse, nor would I probe into it.) the excuses ranged from, too short notice to parents to can't be bothered and "I don't normally plan that far in advance"?? I initially did have a polite conversation in which I just casually asked her if she was interested or just messing around which is why I gave her another chance. After several mixed messages and general cryptic messages I was feeling a bit like I was being played for a fool. I even did say to her at one point, ok pick a day and we'll go. She picked a date and then went wishy washy about it. I wasn't trying to be insulting I was trying to get across that I did not believe her excuses about her parents, she's 17, almost 18 years old. If you people think that makes someone a child then... I guess it's been a long time since you've been that age. Immature, occasionally. Child? I think not. You still have control over your behaviour, she's not a moron, she is totally aware of what she's doing.
welikeincrowds Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 please judge my personality based on a few texts and act like you have me figured out as a person. I never did that. I discussed your actions. I'm sure you're great. And tactile. Furthermore if you read my post again you'll see that I am sympathetic to no person in this story. You all ****ed up. Hey, that's life.
fishtaco Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 What you did was wrong. Not "too harsh", because that's completely irrelevant, but what you did makes you look bad. First, her behavior has nothing to do with her parents. This is how she is. You dodged a bullet. I run into women like this all the time, and I'm in my late 30's, and I date women from my age down to mid 20's. You'll find flaky women at ANY age. Some may point fingers at her and say she shouldn't be like that. I say, why not? Sure, there are women that are more responsive, and put more effort into manners and etiquette, but the average person (not just women) do not; they have the I'm-going-to-get-away-with-whatever-I-can-get-away-with attitude. Even the ones that observe etiquette, guess what? They can change their minds anytime too. There's to rule that says they have to be interested in you once the phone number is exchanged. Then there are the ones that dangle the carrot in front of your face because they want something, sometimes as simple as just because it's fun for them. Your jobs as a man, is to stay cool under any circumstances. And this is just an average circumstance. You'll run into this many, many more times in your future. So learn to deal with it. This is how the world works. You should have left the ball in her court and move on to someone else.
BlueRidgeMTs Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Thanks for your swift replies. I agree that perhaps swearing wasn't entirely necissary but like dispatch3d said I was pretty frustrated, it made me feel better and got the level of my irritation across. It wasn't my intention to be disrespectful, I just wanted a clear response. Yes or no, I don't care if she's not interested but why feign it and string me along? Ahh dont beat yourself up Alex. Other people may, but i wont. Its infuriating as hell to deal with stupid crap like this girl did. This was just game playing to me. If she knew she had issues, she should not have led you on. You got mad, said a few not nice things, oh well. She will get over it. Maybe next time she will think twice and just be more of an adult herself. Which I guess she isnt yet..so..there ya go. Lesson learned. When she flaked the 2nd time, that should have been it for you. Next time just walk away without all the drama.
Author Alex_M Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 Thank you, Well it's sure in her court now.
fishtaco Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Haha no, it's not in her court now, it's dead. But that's fine because it's better to stay away from people like that anyway. Try dating a bunch of chicks at the same time. This way you'll become immune to flakyness, because you sort of don't care, which happens to be the right behavior in these sort of situations anyway.
Author Alex_M Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 Yeah, I was kidding. I did what I had to in the circumstances. You're right though I tried to not care, but receiving messages every day makes it hard to just ignore. What would you have done Fishtaco, or anyone else out of interest? Without passive aggressivly ignoring messages.
that girl Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 I wasn't trying to be insulting I was trying to get across that I did not believe her excuses about her parents, she's 17, almost 18 years old. If you people think that makes someone a child then... I will admit my 10 HS reunion has passed, but it isn't like I went to high school in the 50s. Some people have strict parents. Some 17 year old girls are nervous about dates. I think you jumped the gun in assuming she is being malicious. You're right though I tried to not care, but receiving messages every day makes it hard to just ignore. What would you have done Fishtaco, or anyone else out of interest? Without passive aggressivly ignoring messages. It really depends on how she is messaging you whether or not it would be passive aggressive to just not respond. A Facebook comment is different than an email or text directed to just you. I've already posted roughly what I think you should have said. It doesn't have to be long, but some version of "This isn't working, I think we should stop texting so much" is fine. Just don't flip out on her. And leave it alone now. She has written you off.
Author Alex_M Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 It is entirely possible, however, i feel quite unlikely if it's because she's too timid. If it is because of that then I'd feel pretty bad but what's done is done. She was texting/instant messaging me, directly me, every day. I do agree that I should have been cooler and more collected. However I was mad, and I wanted her to know it. How do you express anger without being angry?
that girl Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 However I was mad, and I wanted her to know it. How do you express anger without being angry? I don't think you were really in a position to express anger. Did this girl behave perfectly? No. But you also don't know that she was inetntionally trying to hurt you. You could have ended it and explained why, but there is a difference between expressing "these are my expectations and you are not meeting them" and expressing anger.
dispatch3d Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 I don't think you have any idea what you're talking about. I didn't have a tantrum I just wanted an explanation. I didn't acuse her of anything. She'd been messing me around for over a month and yeah it was make or break. She wasn't being honest in her reasoning so why would I bother being tactile? I'm not going to jump through hoops for someone just so I don't hurt their feelings. My question was; was it too harsh? Should I have done something differently? Not, please judge my personality based on a few texts and act like you have me figured out as a person. "You should have known better." - I like this the best in your responce. If I should have known better why would I be on here asking? That final text message is my favourite part of the whole thing. This girl had managed to walk all over you for a month with you attempting to "play nice" and not "hurt feelings". Your problem isn't that you addressed it. It's that you addressed it once it had reached a blowing point. You had finally had enough so you told her to eff off! Right? Yeah I mean it's pretty fun, but you and I both realize there are better ways to do this. Next time curb this thing earlier. You don't have to send a demanding text 1 month in after you've both been emotionally killed by the back and forth she's doing. When she does it the second time (or even the first, why put up with this) just explain where you are coming from and how you view her current behaviour. like "When I make plans I keep them. I like you, but I'm not interested in dating someone who is so flaky." The last part is intended to generate a reaction. She'll either get with the program or stop. Also, if someone is stepping on a boundary of yours, like texting you a ton but being wishy washy with dates, then talking about dates, then going wishy washy again, etc. stand up for yourself firmly and assertively. Don't have a tantrum like you did. Just explain this isn't cool with me, stop doing that. The more practice you get the more tactful you'll be.
Recommended Posts