She's moving out, but they're going to a marriage workshop?

[sc58]

Hello all,

 

Soooo I'm just a little confused about what's going on with my MM and thought some of you could help me understand. He told me yesterday that his W is moving out with their daughter and dog this weekend. He's going to help her move out all their stuff to her parent's house. He said this means that their M is completely over. I mentioned there's a chance she could move back in, but he said no way. They're moving out everything, and there's no way he's gonna move it back.

 

If this was all he told me, I would feel relatively positive that they are headed towards divorce. But he also said that they're going to some marriage workshop/ seminar thing next weekend in another state. Apparently it's to help them communicate better during their divorce to make things easier for their child, and while it did say that it is also for couples who are divorced or separated, the main focus of this thing seems to be improving your marriage and "marriage renewal."

 

I am not happy about them going on this little trip together, even if it is just to make the divorce process smoother. There are other ways to do that, that DON'T involve going on a trip. He agreed and said that he told her that too and told her that he didnt want to go, but she signed them up and bought the tickets anyway.

 

I just don't get it and am not sure what to believe. If she's moving out and their marriage is "over" as he says, why are they going to this seminar/ workshop thing? I want to believe that it's really to make the divorce process smoother, but that doesn't seem to be the main focus of this particular program.

 

Anyway, I hope to hear some of your input and opinions. I guess I'll just wait and see what happens after that trip. Thank the lord my sister happens to come home the same day he leaves and I couldn't have seen him anyways. Or else I would have been obsessing and worrying about the whole damn thing all weekend.

[Owl]

There's a lie somewhere in the mix.

 

A workshop for "marriage renewal" would be nothing like some kind of workshop to help them go through a divorce.

 

My money is that his wife still doesn't believe it's over, and that she's insisting that they go because she's still hoping/believing that their marriage can recover...and he's going along with her to avoid conflict.

 

My money is that he's lying to you about WHY they're going to this event...and he's lying to her about the seperation/etc... He's telling you that their marriage is dead and gone...and keeping her hope alive at the same time.

 

It's anyone's guess what he really wants out of this whole situation, but my personal guess is that he's avoiding conflict by lying to the both of you...and trying to maintain the status quo and keep both of you happy and in his life as best he can.

[MorningCoffee]

Hello all,

 

Soooo I'm just a little confused about what's going on with my MM and thought some of you could help me understand. He told me yesterday that his W is moving out with their daughter and dog this weekend. He's going to help her move out all their stuff to her parent's house. He said this means that their M is completely over. I mentioned there's a chance she could move back in, but he said no way. They're moving out everything, and there's no way he's gonna move it back.

 

If this was all he told me, I would feel relatively positive that they are headed towards divorce. But he also said that they're going to some marriage workshop/ seminar thing next weekend in another state. Apparently it's to help them communicate better during their divorce to make things easier for their child, and while it did say that it is also for couples who are divorced or separated, the main focus of this thing seems to be improving your marriage and "marriage renewal."

 

I am not happy about them going on this little trip together, even if it is just to make the divorce process smoother. There are other ways to do that, that DON'T involve going on a trip. He agreed and said that he told her that too and told her that he didnt want to go, but she signed them up and bought the tickets anyway.

 

I just don't get it and am not sure what to believe. If she's moving out and their marriage is "over" as he says, why are they going to this seminar/ workshop thing? I want to believe that it's really to make the divorce process smoother, but that doesn't seem to be the main focus of this particular program.

 

Anyway, I hope to hear some of your input and opinions. I guess I'll just wait and see what happens after that trip. Thank the lord my sister happens to come home the same day he leaves and I couldn't have seen him anyways. Or else I would have been obsessing and worrying about the whole damn thing all weekend.

 

Assuming everything told you is TRUE (big assumption, IMO), she at the very least is NOT on board that the M is over.

 

There are lot of ways to get counselling over how to best divorce and make things less stressful for the kids other than (a) going away for the weekend somewhere (b) traveling together and © presumably bunking together for the weekend. Rather, they could have counselling sessions where they (a) within convenient drive of home base (b) arriving and leaving separately and © living/sleeping separately.

 

My 2 cents.

[siuys]

Hi SC58, I know how you feel, and why you are uncomfortable. I can only relate my personal experience. My xMM separated from his W months ago but were still going to MC. I asked him what the objectives were and he said to understand everything, and put structures in place to move forward. I believed him, although deep down I had my doubts. I have been through a D myself, I know when you're done, you're done and you wouldn't want to go to MC.

 

All I can say is trust your instinct. Her or Him moving out unfortunately does NOT mean they are definitely getting a D. It's too early and you're still in a high risk R let's face it.

 

My xMM was on his own for 6 months, swaying and couldn't make up his mind. He's broken up with me twice to work on his M only to come back days later. At one stage he thought he was done, but I knew better. I went through hellish roller coaster rides and my gut feel told me that he loved me, but still undecided about whether his M was truly over. He was, and still is, messed up. So all I can say is trust your gut feel, keep your head firmly screwed on. If he is recently separated, he WILL disappoint you.

[carhill]

So, wish him well and encourage him to contact you again once the legal separation and/or divorce lawsuit has been served and they are smoothly navigating the divorce process. In the meantime, he can focus on whatever is really going on with move outs and marriage seminars, absent your presence.

 

This is called boundaries. If his love for you is true, he will take proactive steps to become completely available to you, legally, ethically and physically. Support that process. His actions will show that the words you have heard are not carbon dioxide. Hope it works out for you

[Star_Bright]

What I learned from dating a separated MM is that many couples separate with the hopes of reconciliation (at least one of them is hoping and the other one doesn't have the cajones to cut the chord for good, or is undecided and wavering themselves). They say they are clearing the air, taking time to breathe, giving each other space, making a better environment for the child(ren), etc. It does *not* mean they are definitely in the process of divorcing... only a divorce in the works means that!

 

Be careful. I think you know in your gut what's really going on. Why are you putting up with this? (I mean that seriously, as a question to ask yourself, and which I've had to ask myself... not sarcastically). I've learned that the bonds of marriage are thick. They have a child together. If there's any chance for it to work, you need to let them find out now, before things get really ugly. Or you need to put your foot down and tell your man, if you go to this seminar, you and I are over until you are actually divorced. You *don't* have to stand for anything less than what you want. You know that, right? You don't have to accept his nilly-willy excuses of "ooooh I didn't wanna go but she filled out the forms so now I'm stuck." Whatever! That's not true and you know it: if he really didn't want to go, he wouldn't be going. So demand a real relationship or none at all! You don't have to wait around and see what *he* does, start making choices for yourself, all on your own.

 

Good luck.

[siuys]

Both StarBright and Carhill are spot on. The mistake I made was to ignore my gut instinct and I chose to believe only the bits I wanted to believe. Listen to your gut and figure out what works for YOU. I am sorry but it doesn't sound like they're done.

[YellowShark]

Both StarBright and Carhill are spot on.

 

Definitely.

 

The mistake I made was to ignore my gut instinct and I chose to believe only the bits I wanted to believe.

 

The phenomenon is called "confirmation bias:"

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confirmation_bias

 

"Confirmation bias (also called confirmatory bias or myside bias) is a tendency for people to favor information that confirms their preconceptions or hypotheses regardless of whether the information is true.

 

Confirmation biases contribute to overconfidence in personal beliefs and can maintain or strengthen beliefs in the face of contrary evidence."

 

(that's how Psychics and Astrologers trick your mind when they perform their "readings-for-cash." )

[jwi71]

Soooo I'm just a little confused about what's going on with my MM and thought some of you could help me understand. He told me yesterday that his W is moving out with their daughter and dog this weekend. He's going to help her move out all their stuff to her parent's house. He said this means that their M is completely over. I mentioned there's a chance she could move back in, but he said no way. They're moving out everything, and there's no way he's gonna move it back.

 

And he filed for D. You left that part out.

Oh. He DIDN'T FILE?

Why not?

Most states have a "waiting period". For instance in Texas, where I live, its 60 days. Meaning NOTHING happens for 60 days. Why can't they file to get the clock started so to speak and work out the details during that time period? Actually...is there a separation period mandated in your state? What is it?

 

If this was all he told me, I would feel relatively positive that they are headed towards divorce. But he also said that they're going to some marriage workshop/ seminar thing next weekend in another state

 

Uh...what?

I have NEVER heard of a weekend "end your M retreat". Ever. So I googled that. Try it...then share with us what YOU found.

 

. Apparently it's to help them communicate better during their divorce to make things easier for their child, and while it did say that it is also for couples who are divorced or separated, the main focus of this thing seems to be improving your marriage and "marriage renewal.

 

Oh good. You already did go to their site. I can't imagine ANY couple going on an out of state retreat to help END the M. That just defies common sense.

 

However, that MAY be the case.

And I'm back to my initial problem - WHY HASN'T HE FILED?

 

I am not happy about them going on this little trip together, even if it is just to make the divorce process smoother. There are other ways to do that, that DON'T involve going on a trip. He agreed and said that he told her that too and told her that he didnt want to go, but she signed them up and bought the tickets anyway.

 

So effin' what.

They're out what...maybe a few grand? Considering he is about to file for D and accept the financial disaster that it is...so what? Lets see...child support check, alimony, half of bank accounts, hard assets...he can split those yet worries over a paltry few grand (if that)?

 

Makes no sense to me.

 

I just don't get it and am not sure what to believe. If she's moving out and their marriage is "over" as he says, why are they going to this seminar/ workshop thing?

 

Well, he told you - its to help them communicate better during he D.

I guess what I really want to know is...wtf does that mean? Seriously, how do they pull that off? Do they learn not to say mean things to each other in the twilight of the M? Maybe they learn how to not hit the send button on mean emails to one another? I can't figure that part out...what specific skills are they to learn in this weekend retreat in another state?

 

I guess this retreat has separate areas. It would be quite uncomfortable if MOST people there were trying to save their M and they weren't. Just based on what you say, the website was mainly geared to couples trying to improve the M which, I infer, means most people there are doing just that.

 

Except them of course.

 

I want to believe that it's really to make the divorce process smoother, but that doesn't seem to be the main focus of this particular program.

 

Lets face it...its bullshyte.

And you know it.

I could go on torpedoing it but why.

 

You REALLY need to ask WHY he hasn't filed yet. But I think you already know.

[carhill]

Here's the OP's first post on LS

 

I think it, and the thread which follows it, is really telling...

 

OP, you posted that you are in therapy. Is/has the MM attending/attended MC with his wife?

 

I ask because, IME, even though the MC process is designed to recover the marriage, the tools and clarity gained within *can* facilitate a more amicable divorce, and did in our case.

 

The main difference is that my now exW was voluntarily and fully disclosed of my EA and we processed it within MC. I presume your MM's wife is not disclosed. Big difference, IMO.

 

Task your therapist to work on acceptance as a concept relative to want and desire. Good luck

[sc58]

Thank you everyone for your responses.

 

I'm sorry that I don't have time to respond to everyone individually, but here is a bit more info:

 

In my state, there is no separation or "waiting" period required. And after looking into their program a bit more, I did find that it does also help support couples going through a divorce and helps them learn to communicate better and make things easier on their children. HOWEVER, the main focus is primarily for couples trying to renew their marriage. I am still in therapy and have another session on Friday. My MM and his W have gone to counseling individually, but not together.

 

I am really not sure what to believe...My gut is not really telling me anything. I suppose I can just see what happens after they come back from their little retreat. He says they are already discussing custody, and since she is moving out, who will get to spend which holidays with their child. Apparently they are already fighting about this, which is why she wants to go to this seminar thing. He really doesn't want to go, but is still gonna go just so she doesn't make things harder for him during the divorce. I have no idea when, heck even IF, he's gonna file for a D and I don't want to ask...He just says, "those things don't just happen overnight."

 

My MM has left before only to say that he's going to try and work on his marriage when he went back home. But he says this time it's different, and it's really over. To "trust" that we're going to be together and he's not going to hurt me again.

 

But just by going to this thing hurt me...And today is his birthday and we were supposed to have dinner together, but now he has to go home because his son made him dinner. I'm bummed, but feel like I shouldn't be...Guess I'll just keep you guys updated...

[Star_Bright]

So he has hurt you again but you're sticking around. Why?? Why don't you tell him to make his choice and stick to it or you're gone? How are you going to feel all that weekend knowing he's at a retreat with his wife? How is that fair to you? He's not being fair to you so you need to be fair to yourself. Tell him to call you once he has proof he's getting divorced. As in, divorce papers. That's my advice anyway.

[jwi71]

In my state, there is no separation or "waiting" period required.

 

OK. Just watch and see if he actually files. Honestly, I can't see why they haven't filed yet. I guess, for me, they can file and still work on the actual separation of assets. So, anytime I read where they want to file but haven't is a red flag, especially when the reason is "we need to communicate better during the D". Why can't they do this in parallel - file for D WHILE learning how to communicate?

 

And after looking into their program a bit more, I did find that it does also help support couples going through a divorce and helps them learn to communicate better and make things easier on their children.

You know...there are family counselors in your area who do this very thing as well. They even include the children. I know, I went to one with my kids during my D. I didn't have to go out of state and leave the grown kids behind (at least a son old enough to cook dinner). Not adding up to me. Just be wary.

 

Apparently they are already fighting about this, which is why she wants to go to this seminar thing

Smells fishy. What is this retreat going to offer that a lawyer or local family counselor cannot?

. He really doesn't want to go, but is still gonna go just so she doesn't make things harder for him during the divorce.

How does making them better communicators make them any closer on the issues? I dunno. Do you think one weekend is going to magically bring them together on the issues?

This is starting to smell fishy to me.

 

I have no idea when, heck even IF, he's gonna file for a D and I don't want to ask...He just says, "those things don't just happen overnight."

Uh-oh. He wants to D yet can't file.

Look, when I was done in my M I was done. I never, for even a fraction of a second, paused or hesitated. The only reason I can see he is delaying is...he's NOT ready to file. Because if he was...he would have.

 

 

My MM has left before only to say that he's going to try and work on his marriage when he went back home. But he says this time it's different, and it's really over. To "trust" that we're going to be together and he's not going to hurt me again.

So..either trust or do not. There is nothing anyone can truly say.

What do your friends and family suggest?

 

But just by going to this thing hurt me...And today is his birthday and we were supposed to have dinner together, but now he has to go home because his son made him dinner. I'm bummed, but feel like I shouldn't be...Guess I'll just keep you guys updated...

I'm D.

I have two young kids.

My xW and I have have a custody schedule. Everyone knows who has the kids and when. No surprises. My GF is NEVER caught off guard - because everyone knows who, when, where and for how long.

 

I must ask...who knows about you? The son? The stbxw?

Because if no one knows about you - then this WILL be a problem until they DO know. And even THEN, its going to be a problem (especially when its known that you are the OW). I mean, its not deliberate because no one knows so don't take it personally. You're just going to have to accept that he will choose his son over you. Its part of the deal (OW or not...divorced parents love spending time with their kids...at least I do anyway).

 

If they DO know about you. Then understand he's going to cancel plans with you to be with his son. That will be YOUR norm until they hammer out a custody schedule and everyone adjusts.

 

Sorry...but for me, I still see red flags.

[Carrot2000]

If he's saying things that don't quite make sense, look to his actions to tell you the real story.

[whichwayisup]

Question is, why wouldn't HE move out? I find it extremely odd that she is moving out of the house, taking her daughter with her, the home this child has known and grown up in so far. That's a slight red flag.

 

Time will tell, but please, don't get sucked into his drama. Don't forget YOU exist and your life counts just as much. Focus on friends, your sister and have FUN with her over the weekend! Don't lose "you" and your life over some married guy who may not be completely honest with you.

[whichwayisup]

To "trust" that we're going to be together and he's not going to hurt me again.

 

Right now, he cannot promise you anything. He is in NO position to make a committment to you, let alone "promise" you that he isn't going to hurt you.

[fooled once]

There's a lie somewhere in the mix.

 

A workshop for "marriage renewal" would be nothing like some kind of workshop to help them go through a divorce.

 

My money is that his wife still doesn't believe it's over, and that she's insisting that they go because she's still hoping/believing that their marriage can recover...and he's going along with her to avoid conflict.

 

My money is that he's lying to you about WHY they're going to this event...and he's lying to her about the seperation/etc... He's telling you that their marriage is dead and gone...and keeping her hope alive at the same time.

 

It's anyone's guess what he really wants out of this whole situation, but my personal guess is that he's avoiding conflict by lying to the both of you...and trying to maintain the status quo and keep both of you happy and in his life as best he can.

Agree

 

So, wish him well and encourage him to contact you again once the legal separation and/or divorce lawsuit has been served and they are smoothly navigating the divorce process. In the meantime, he can focus on whatever is really going on with move outs and marriage seminars, absent your presence.

 

This is called boundaries. If his love for you is true, he will take proactive steps to become completely available to you, legally, ethically and physically. Support that process. His actions will show that the words you have heard are not carbon dioxide. Hope it works out for you

 

Agree

 

What I learned from dating a separated MM is that many couples separate with the hopes of reconciliation (at least one of them is hoping and the other one doesn't have the cajones to cut the chord for good, or is undecided and wavering themselves). They say they are clearing the air, taking time to breathe, giving each other space, making a better environment for the child(ren), etc. It does *not* mean they are definitely in the process of divorcing... only a divorce in the works means that!

 

Be careful. I think you know in your gut what's really going on. Why are you putting up with this? (I mean that seriously, as a question to ask yourself, and which I've had to ask myself... not sarcastically). I've learned that the bonds of marriage are thick. They have a child together. If there's any chance for it to work, you need to let them find out now, before things get really ugly. Or you need to put your foot down and tell your man, if you go to this seminar, you and I are over until you are actually divorced. You *don't* have to stand for anything less than what you want. You know that, right? You don't have to accept his nilly-willy excuses of "ooooh I didn't wanna go but she filled out the forms so now I'm stuck." Whatever! That's not true and you know it: if he really didn't want to go, he wouldn't be going. So demand a real relationship or none at all! You don't have to wait around and see what *he* does, start making choices for yourself, all on your own.

 

Good luck.

 

Totally agree

 

Also agree with jwl.

 

I divorced.

 

When I did, there was NO second thoughts, no regrets, no indecision. And I had no one waiting in the wings for me.

 

He has said once before she was moving out. He lied. Then he got kicked out. Then he went back. Then he spent a week with you. Then he went back.

 

Now again, she is moving in 3 days. Yet they are going away for a weekend together.

 

And Thanksgiving is in 3 weeks?

 

be wary.

[sc58]

I am VERY wary. And I don't like this situation one bit. I doubt she's even going to move out this weekend, to be honest. I think she just said that to see what his reaction would be. He even agreed that it might be possible. And there is no way in hell that workshop next weekend is to help a couple get through divorce. I read more about it and I was mistaken the first time I read it. It says that it helps separated and divorced couples who want to TRY AGAIN.

 

So I told him if he wants to go on this weekend with her, then go right ahead. But I won't be waiting for him when he gets back. And then he said I was threatening him. What am I supposed to do? Just be fine and dandy with him going on a trip with his W who he supposedly wants to divorce?

 

I don't know how to deal with this. He tells me to trust him, that he promises we will be together someday. Heck, he even teared up when he said that and told me how much he loved me. He said his mind is set. Yet he can't file for a D. He needs time.

 

I don't know what to believe. I love him, but this is killing me. I thought I could be ok with them going on that trip if she moved out, but if she doesn't, then f*ck. No way am I gonna be ok with it. And if she doesn't, then I will probably no longer believe him when he says she's going to move out, or he's going to move out. Because this would be like the 5th time this happened. And yet, here I am...Again...

[siuys]

This doesn't sound good at all, sc58. It's like when my xMM going to MC... I think you should walk away and not invite more pain into your life. Too much swaying around sounds like my xMM as well. To say it was hell is an understatement. Walk away so he knows you mean business.

[jwi71]

I am VERY wary.

 

Do you know what that wary really is?

Mistrust.

That can't quite put your finger on what is wrong feeling.

Listen to it.

 

And I don't like this situation one bit. I doubt she's even going to move out this weekend, to be honest. I think she just said that to see what his reaction would be.

Stop. Stop guessing WHY she says what she says. One, you don't know if she ACTUALLY said it and two, you don't know how HE reacted IF she said it. You are on the expressway to crazy land if you persist. Y ou simply have NO way of knowing what was said.

 

And, uh, would you stop listening to his WORDS.

Start watching what he does (or doesn't do).

 

And there is no way in hell that workshop next weekend is to help a couple get through divorce. I read more about it and I was mistaken the first time I read it. It says that it helps separated and divorced couples who want to TRY AGAIN.

So he LIED again. This isn't about "learning how to communiate better in a D" - its about TRYING AGAIN.

 

Question is...what are you going to do?

 

So I told him if he wants to go on this weekend with her, then go right ahead. But I won't be waiting for him when he gets back. And then he said I was threatening him. What am I supposed to do? Just be fine and dandy with him going on a trip with his W who he supposedly wants to divorce?

Read this over and over. What HUMAN wants to go on a trip with someone they WANT to D? Why? What would they gain? Do you imagine that would be FUN for either party?

 

Threaten him? No. You're giving him a choice. He can CHOOSE to honor and respect the wishes of the woman he loves and wishes to marry (you) and NOT go -OR- he can honor and respect the woman he fully intends to D because he doesn't love her anymore and will have MINIMAL contact with for the rest of his life.

 

And he picked her. Oh he MIGHT change his mind but lets face it, on his own volition, he CHOSE his stbxw over you. That's what this is. He KNOWS how you feel, how his "stbxw" feels and...well, he choose HER feelings to respect.

 

I don't know how to deal with this.

Simple. Stay and wait or do not. YOUR CHOICE.

 

He tells me to trust him, that he promises we will be together someday.

Trust is built on honesty and integrity. Built when what you say is followed and supported by reasonable actions. When there is harmony between the two.

 

Do his words and actions align?

 

And..."someday". You'll be together "someday".

Something ain't right.

 

He said his mind is set. Yet he can't file for a D. He needs time.

Time for what?

The process is simple...you file for D, you split assets, you devise custody, you stand before judge, you're done. With no waiting perioid - this can happen VERY fast.

Why hasn't he STARTED?

I don't know what to believe.

Ask his W.

And if you "can't" do that - watch his actions and ignore his words.

 

I love him, but this is killing me. I thought I could be ok with them going on that trip if she moved out, but if she doesn't, then f*ck

You would be OK with them going to a retreat where couples try again?

Do you see the inherent contradiction betw...oh **** it. I just saw where he has done this 5 times before. I'm wasting my time here.

 

Maybe he'll leave, maybe not. His ACTIONS say no from where I sit.

 

Good luck.

[MorningCoffee]

My take on the significance of their going together on this marriage weekend, and why your position on it is entirely reasonable, and no, you are not "threatening" him, just his having two women in his life.

 

Many years ago when my M was a few years old, we'd run into big time troubles, had separated, could hardly stand to be near each other. Not sure which way it would go, but I had told her I wanted to divorce.

 

Time came for a long-planned relocation to another part of the country for me to pursue my then-new career. I was going, and expected to leave W behind, eventually divorce.

 

But for her the choice was to stay where we had been for five years, where she had finally achieved a major goal of hers (as a professional performer in the arts) and make a new life without me, or abandon that cherished achievement for the unknown.

 

Remember, we could not stand to be in each other's presence. I sure did not particularly want her around.

 

Nevertheless she insisted that, as we had shared the dream for years and she had worked to support me as I went about acquiring the career credentials I was about to use, she would be Gd'd if she was going to let me have the dream and her have to give it up. So she made the move.

 

Fights? He**, yes, we had fights. Some days on the long road trip, I wasn't sure when I came out of the restroom if she'd have taken off with the car

 

We ended up in the same part of the country (lived an hour apart) and after many months of wary contact, we found ourselves slowly reconciling, reinventing our relationship and going on to be together for many years.

 

My point is it was not her words, as they were unreliable indicators -- varied with mood -- friction was high. But it was her action, her action in choosing to make the trip even with what she had to give up, and with zero assurance of what her future would be. It was her act in choosing even over my objections that cemented the foundation to what turned out to be our renewed future together.

 

Hindsight told me that her choice was the one pivotal point that kept the M from ending.

 

So, I think it is entirely reasonable for you to feel as you do, and to tell him if you wish, that his agreeing to go on the marriage retreat is a deal-breaker for you, and if he goes, that you will not be waiting when he gets back. That is not a threat to anything other than his cake-eating. Your gut is telling you that this is a pivotal action with a great deal of significance both to you and to his BS.

Edited November 10, 2010 by MorningCoffee
spelling

[sc58]

I talked to him about it again today and told him that I do not mean to threaten him, but he does have a choice and him saying that he HAS to go just because she signed them up is bullsh*t. My mom actually recently signed me up to go this financial seminar with a guy she REALLY wants me to go out with (she is getting concerned that I've been "single" for so long) and I didn't go because I knew how my MM would feel about it. I told him that I had the choice to go and I didn't, and he has the same choice now.

 

So he said that he's going to talk to her about it later today. I guess I'll just have to see what happens...

[4321sn]

One suggestion I have for you is something I just recently figured out. It is better for my mental health if I don't get wrapped up in what happens between him and his wife.

He will tell me if that things are moving along but I am going to let him handle this in the way that he needs to. My MM is in MC to "resolve" things. Could go either way I suppose, but the daily torture of worrying about the was killing me...

Right now we are in LC...talking every 3 days...

Do you think you would be able to step back for a few days?

[sc58]

One suggestion I have for you is something I just recently figured out. It is better for my mental health if I don't get wrapped up in what happens between him and his wife.

He will tell me if that things are moving along but I am going to let him handle this in the way that he needs to. My MM is in MC to "resolve" things. Could go either way I suppose, but the daily torture of worrying about the was killing me...

Right now we are in LC...talking every 3 days...

Do you think you would be able to step back for a few days?

 

I could step back, I suppose. We did talk about that. That maybe we just shouldn't see each other until he's divorced. But we've tried that before, and it hasn't worked. I think that I'm just gonna wait to see what happens this weekend. If she doesn't move out, I really don't want to be seeing him every day as we are now because it will just be another rollercoaster ride.

 

It's that up and down that's killing me. Saying she's gonna move out, then doesn't. Saying he's gonna move out then doesn't. He told me that she suggested going to this weekend retreat thing, but wasn't gonna go and now they are.

 

So if that happens AGAIN, I really can't take it. Don't even know how I've handled it up to this point, to be honest.

[whichwayisup]

I don't know what to believe. I love him, but this is killing me. I thought I could be ok with them going on that trip if she moved out, but if she doesn't, then f*ck. No way am I gonna be ok with it. And if she doesn't, then I will probably no longer believe him when he says she's going to move out, or he's going to move out. Because this would be like the 5th time this happened. And yet, here I am...Again...

 

This pretty much nails it. I do hope this time you throw in the towel and walk away. He isn't leaving his wife.

 

Please read this, let it inspire you. Written by a strong woman who is done with her affair, got the courage to send her MM this email.

Originally Posted by siuys

xMM ended the R with me 4 days ago only to sms me last night saying he is still deeply in love with me and has not given up. His email said he has made a decision to give his M a go... wtf? So here is what I wrote back. Let me know what you guys think.

 

"your email was clear to me. you had made a choice. i don't know what else there is 'to get'.

 

whatever we had, you have basically killed it. it's not dead dead, but it's in a coma.

 

i have had to deal with a lot of pain due to your swaying, your inconsistencies, ambiguity, indecisiveness and at the end of the day, you are married, messed up and emotionally unavailable. you really f*cked with my head. you say you love me, but your actions are not in line with what you tell me. actions speak louder than words. truth is, i know what love feels like.

 

i am very close to my limit, if not already there. i am no longer willing to subject myself to more pain. you know how i feel about you but if for a minute you think i am happy to be the fallback girl, you are grossly mistaken. let's cut the bull****. what the hell are you doing?

 

the only way i would consider resuscitating this 'relationship' is when you are 100% clear, 100% emotionally available and you have filed for divorce. nothing less. because anything less is not good enough. anything less means you are not serious and you are not done with your marriage. if you ever get to that point, look me up and see if i'm still available. but for now, it's best we left each other alone."