tobydog Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 What I don't understand is why he hates me more now than at the beginning of the split? Yes I was stupid and sent him a mail getting it all off my chest and her one through FB, nothing abusive or threatening, just saying she was a homewrecker and should be ashamed. Now they have reported me to the police for harrassment And he really must hate me? I know I have my faults but from that to this. The fight was just an opportunity to leave, he had an escape hatch and took it. Yes there were red flags but I thought he may have calmed down by now...8 weeks later he seems to hate me more. I spoke to his Mum tonight, she says he will wake up one morning, see it for what it is and realise the mess he is in. He knows I love him. But anyway I will no longer answer the phone to him so he can see his son through the solicitors now, after all If I speak to him I can get arrested! Any thoughts on this crazy guy? He is being poisoned by her we think.......Thanks all thoughts much appreciated
iheartboobs Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Maybe he is being influenced by her. Maybe he is making a huge mistake. Maybe one day he'll wake up, come to his senses, and run back to you... but whether he ever does or not, you need to calm down. I know it's hard because I've been there, but it's what you have to do. You've started what, 3 or 4 threads on this topic in the last week? That's fine, this forum is here for support when you need it, but if you come off as even half as needy or desperate to him as you do to me then it's no wonder he wants nothing to do with you. That sounds mean, but it's the truth. You want him to quit pulling away? Then happy the **** up. No one wants to be around a broken person, and no one want to be around someone that makes them feel guilty (even if they deserve to), it's depressing. Personally, I don't see why you'd want anything more to do with this guy, but since you do, you need to make yourself into someone he'd actually want something to do with. Get out, go clubbing with friends, buy new clothes, join a health club, whiten your teeth, something. Don't talk to his mother about him, even if she's completely on your side (which I doubt), you know she's talking to him about how sad and lonely you are and trying to guilt-trip him into coming back to you. Talk to her about fun things you're doing, how you're moving on, men that you're interested in (besides her son) or are interested in you, possible dates you're considering going on... something that, when it gets back to him, will show your husband that you're getting along just fine without him.
Author tobydog Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 sorry for starting so many threads I just need some insight. I won't start anymore
What_Next Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Listen to ihearboobs! His advice is accurate. I have little doubt that after D-day when I decided to begin dating (well I had been a little before the "actual" D-Day) it did change things for my wife (it feels GREAT to call her that again). As I moved forward and showed her I was doing OK without her she slowly began to change. Ironically it was both of us doing that that in some way lead us back together. If this was an exit affair as such, hold on because it will self destruct. It will end. Only then will he see what he has done.
iheartboobs Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 That's not the point. Start all the threads you need to. I'm just saying if you want this man to be a part of your life you can't act as needy and sad and desperate to him as you do here. I'm a man. I know what attracts and repulses me. I'm willing to give you my experience in the matter (my insight), and, in my experience, how you're acting is not attractive. Come here all you want. Start all the threads you want. Cry and beg and plead on the forum all you want... but if you want your husband to quit pulling away from you, for the love of God, don't act that way around him or anyone else that might talk to him (that means everyone). Even if you feel dead inside, you've got to project confidence and happiness. That's attractive.
iheartboobs Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Also, this: sorry for starting so many threads I just need some insight. I won't start anymore made me feel like crap. You ignored the entire content of my post to focus on one thing that hurt your feelings. Now I feel like I just kicked a sick puppy with two broken legs. I didn't do anything wrong, but I feel guilty anyway. Don't do this with your husband! I'd bet you don't even know you're doing it, but you've got to contol that guilt-trip urge. Don't focus on the negative - ignore it, focus on the positive. Be up-beat. For example: if your husband is late one day, don't say "you're late" or "you should have called", say "I'm glad you're okay, I was worried"... it communicates the same thing, but one way makes him feel guilty and the other makes him feel valued. One way is repulsive, one is attractive.
Author tobydog Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 yeah I am trying. I have not acted needy, desparate Why, has he realised there is no going back and he is in a total mess? etc for weeks now and he is more antagonistic than ever.
willowthewisp Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 You start as many threads as you like or need to hun, that's what we are here for. This is a difficult time for you and right now you will do anything to get him back. He's cheated on you and your self esteem has probably plumented. What other members are suggesting is doing a 180. Now whilst this might work in some cases, I promise you that anyone who is willing to put you through that and is happy to sit back and watch you suffer, is NOT worthy of your love and devotion. You will see this in time, I PROMISE. I can say this to you because I am 20 months out now and I was just like you at the beginning, I thought I would never get here, but here I am. My advice to you is get counselling and take legal advice. The counselling will help you more than you could ever imagine to see things from a different perspective, honestly I can't recommend it enough!
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