Facebook Friends with an Ex?

[HeavenOrHell]

It sounds to me like you sounded almost aggressive in your pursuit of getting the truth out of her over why she is friends with her ex, maybe she knew whatever she said that it wouldn't be the 'right' answer, and she felt defensive.

I'm friends with my ex and my partner is friends with his ex. I think it's petty that so many people act like they have to drop all contact immediately and act like enemies just because they can't be partners anymore. Of course some ex's will never get along after they split up cos they've grown too far apart and no longer like each other, or there's been cheating involved, but there are many others who do still get along and like each other.

I was with my ex for 18 years, I had no reason to cut him out of my life after we split, I've nothing against him, he's a lovely person, we just couldn't be partners anymore. Being friends with your ex doesn't mean you are still in love with them, I see my ex as just a close friend now, we meet up once a week. My partner trusts me, feels secure with me and knows my ex is just a friend.

Of course there need to be boundaries with ex's, there also needs to be trust with your new partner, if you think they are capable of cheating then why are with them?

[Fight4Me]

Sorry, I'm new here . . . what is a "FOO" issue?

 

 

Family of Origin (i.e her childhood family dynamic, history, etc.)

[jnj express]

Hey Rhett----FOO is Family of Origin----many people extend their issues from their family of origin---into their later life

 

You may get your answer if you know/can research out her early life, as to control issues, possibly lost love due to death of a family member,---abusive behavior----did she have other siblings, and did she follow meekly in others footsteps, was too much expected of her----was there cheating in her FOO---was she abandoned by a death, or a divorce----was she kept under tight control---lots of things to think about, and this is only a short list---I'm sure you can come up with more----

 

FOO issues can reveal many many problems, that show up later on in life----If you haven't already have a FOO issues discussion with her---but lead into it easy, and don't force anything down her throat unless you already know what is in her past

[desertIslandCactus]

It sounds to me like you sounded almost aggressive in your pursuit of getting the truth out of her over why she is friends with her ex, maybe she knew whatever she said that it wouldn't be the 'right' answer, and she felt defensive.

I'm friends with my ex and my partner is friends with his ex. I think it's petty that so many people act like they have to drop all contact immediately and act like enemies just because they can't be partners anymore. Of course some ex's will never get along after they split up cos they've grown too far apart and no longer like each other, or there's been cheating involved, but there are many others who do still get along and like each other.

I was with my ex for 18 years, I had no reason to cut him out of my life after we split, I've nothing against him, he's a lovely person, we just couldn't be partners anymore. Being friends with your ex doesn't mean you are still in love with them, I see my ex as just a close friend now, we meet up once a week. My partner trusts me, feels secure with me and knows my ex is just a friend.

Of course there need to be boundaries with ex's, there also needs to be trust with your new partner, if you think they are capable of cheating then why are with them?

 

Just curious .. Is there any flirting .. i.e. exchanging off-color jokes or saying cutsey things to oneanother.

[rhett89]

Hey Rhett----FOO is Family of Origin----many people extend their issues from their family of origin---into their later life

 

You may get your answer if you know/can research out her early life, as to control issues, possibly lost love due to death of a family member,---abusive behavior----did she have other siblings, and did she follow meekly in others footsteps, was too much expected of her----was there cheating in her FOO---was she abandoned by a death, or a divorce----was she kept under tight control---lots of things to think about, and this is only a short list---I'm sure you can come up with more----

 

FOO issues can reveal many many problems, that show up later on in life----If you haven't already have a FOO issues discussion with her---but lead into it easy, and don't force anything down her throat unless you already know what is in her past

 

 

FOO . . . thank you.

 

As stated in my original post, the most traumatic issue was that her younger brother committed suicide shortly after my W graduated from college.

 

It's possible, although I can't say she has ever revealed any issues with this, that it could be related to her being adopted? She was adopted and brought to the US as an infant. She has consistently said that she has no desire or interest in returning to her place of birth (Korea). She is indifferent toward it altogether.

 

Her parents are wonderful, although as a former Marine I'm quite confident that he was very demanding. Her mom is a cross between Carol Brady, Martha Stewart and Aunt Bea. They don't come any sweeter. Her father, while demanding, has never proven to me to be over the top. He has strong opinions, but I've not found him to be abusive, aggressive, inappropriate or otherwise distasteful in ways outside the realm of what we might all be in our private lives. I know them both extremely well and have spent much, much time with them. Any revelation related to a childhood issue would come as the ultimate shock to me.

 

I'm unaware of any deaths outside the normal scope of growing up (grandparents, great aunts/uncles, etc.).

 

She is anything but meek and is a leader. She was an all-state athlete, a Honor Roll student, etc., etc. She's driven like no one I've ever met, and I come from a profession of "drivers" and my father's work ethic was second-to-none. My W is tough, assertive, strong-willed and competent in all areas of her life. She has risen through the corporate ranks in short order to become a VP of a publicly traded company. She expects a tremendous amount out of herself and others. Sometimes those expectations are a challenge to live with (not wussing out). I own two companies, have been involved in leadership roles in many organizations, have served on several non-profit boards, etc. Still, her drive and expectations, at times, are tiring.

 

Broaching this subject seems difficult, if not explosive.

[denise_xo]

Your points are well-taken. And I think it is entirely possible that my wife is upset because she views my insecurities as a lack of trust in her. What I do not understand, however, is why she cried when she deleted him from her FB friends (again, I was only requesting a discussion about the reason(s) she needed to maintain a relationship at all)?

 

I have no doubt that exes can be friends. I just question WHY they must remain friends, especially if they had a deeply intimate relationship and the new significant other is uncomfortable with it.

 

Any further insight? I appreciate your opinions!

 

Thanks, rhett. As to why she cried, obviously being someone on an internet board who doesn't know you and your W I can't really tell, but here are some reflections:

 

If this issue is not about the ex per se but about the two of you having differences over this particular issue, and having had it for a significant amount of time, it might be an emotional reaction to having to back down to something she experiences as unreasonable, and perhaps especially in the context of being a person who is as strong and independent as you describe in the quote below. In other words, the tears might be a sign of this conflict having 'topped' itself for her at that particular moment and hence it acted as a way to relieve frustration. In any case, if this conflict is essentially about 'principles of engagement' or 'rules of the game' in a relationship, I would say it is not a matter of her choosing him over you, but a matter of the two of you having incompatible perspectives on a specific matter and needing to work on trying to find some middle ground. Your wife of course should be working with you on that. Given what you've described, it sounds as if you've both ended up in a bit of a blind alley on this.

 

The tears might, of course, also be a sign of her having feelings for this man. 'Feelings' here could range from the inappropriate kind [romantic, sexual] to genuine, but non-threatening [she feels sad about having to shut him out of her life, but has no desire for him at this point]. Ultimately, it's impossible for any of us here on LS to accurately predict what the tears were about, and I guess the only one who can really answer that question is your W, as several posters have said already.

 

As to why remain in contact with the ex: I fully understand when you say that the issue isn't whether the ex is there as a friend on fb, but that you want to know why it's necessary. I agree that it is completely reasonable to expect that she engages with you properly on this. I guess from my POV (that I outlined in my post above), my counter question (again based on my own situation described above) would be 'why not'? In the specific situations I described above, I wouldn't see any meaningful reason to cut out that contact (for me, or for my then partner). Again, this goes back to my basic perspectives on how I form my 'rules of engagement' and my particular experiences on this issue (and I'm sure many would disagree with my take on it), but for me the question in itself would signal a fundamental distrust from my partner which I would be uncomfortable with. Again, this response is based on the specificities of my life experiences, and there may be many situations where such contact wouldn't be desirable and the answer to the question 'why' would be quite different.

 

Again, good luck to you both

 

 

She is anything but meek and is a leader. She was an all-state athlete, a Honor Roll student, etc., etc. She's driven like no one I've ever met, and I come from a profession of "drivers" and my father's work ethic was second-to-none. My W is tough, assertive, strong-willed and competent in all areas of her life. She has risen through the corporate ranks in short order to become a VP of a publicly traded company. She expects a tremendous amount out of herself and others. Sometimes those expectations are a challenge to live with (not wussing out). I own two companies, have been involved in leadership roles in many organizations, have served on several non-profit boards, etc. Still, her drive and expectations, at times, are tiring.

 

.

[jnj express]

Hey Rhett---If you are determined to get to the bottom of this, then you have an even deeper FOO issue---her actual birth parents--and the gene package she was born with-----I am willing to bet her issues do come from FOO, either the adoptive, or the birth parents/families -----how deep you wanna dig is up to you

[desertIslandCactus]

Hey Rhett---If you are determined to get to the bottom of this, then you have an even deeper FOO issue---her actual birth parents--and the gene package she was born with-----I am willing to bet her issues do come from FOO, either the adoptive, or the birth parents/families -----how deep you wanna dig is up to you

 

I would think anything within just the confines of Rhett's and his wife's closed marriage (covenant) would be all anyone would be concerned with.

[rhett89]

If this issue is not about the ex per se but about the two of you having differences over this particular issue, and having had it for a significant amount of time, it might be an emotional reaction to having to back down to something she experiences as unreasonable, and perhaps especially in the context of being a person who is as strong and independent as you describe in the quote below. In other words, the tears might be a sign of this conflict having 'topped' itself for her at that particular moment and hence it acted as a way to relieve frustration.

 

Thank you for this observation. It's comforting to hear a woman's perspective on this topic.

 

 

In any case, if this conflict is essentially about 'principles of engagement' or 'rules of the game' in a relationship, I would say it is not a matter of her choosing him over you, but a matter of the two of you having incompatible perspectives on a specific matter and needing to work on trying to find some middle ground. Your wife of course should be working with you on that. Given what you've described, it sounds as if you've both ended up in a bit of a blind alley on this. The tears might, of course, also be a sign of her having feelings for this man. 'Feelings' here could range from the inappropriate kind [romantic, sexual] to genuine, but non-threatening [she feels sad about having to shut him out of her life, but has no desire for him at this point]. Ultimately, it's impossible for any of us here on LS to accurately predict what the tears were about, and I guess the only one who can really answer that question is your W, as several posters have said already.

 

Very fair assessment. I do not feeling like she is choosing "him" over me, but rather being insensitive to my feelings and choosing her needs over mine, for something she says "isn't a big deal." My thought process is "If it's not a big deal, then why are you making it a big deal?"

 

 

 

 

As to why remain in contact with the ex: I fully understand when you say that the issue isn't whether the ex is there as a friend on fb, but that you want to know why it's necessary. I agree that it is completely reasonable to expect that she engages with you properly on this. I guess from my POV (that I outlined in my post above), my counter question (again based on my own situation described above) would be 'why not'? In the specific situations I described above, I wouldn't see any meaningful reason to cut out that contact (for me, or for my then partner). Again, this goes back to my basic perspectives on how I form my 'rules of engagement' and my particular experiences on this issue (and I'm sure many would disagree with my take on it), but for me the question in itself would signal a fundamental distrust from my partner which I would be uncomfortable with. Again, this response is based on the specificities of my life experiences, and there may be many situations where such contact wouldn't be desirable and the answer to the question 'why' would be quite different.

 

This is probably the most challenging question to answer. My response is simple: "because I am uncomfortable with it."

 

I recognize that this leads to the next fair question, "Why?" My response to that is, "because I do not understand why you must remain in contact, and that bothers the hell out of me."

 

You, and others, have aptly pointed out that this, at its roots, is a communication issue rooted in our inability to have a thorough discussion about this topic. I gotta be honest and say that I would love to have that discussion, but when queried my W either gets angry, frustrated or emotional (or all of the above). That makes the dialogue (and, imo, resolution) nearly impossible. Perhaps it would be possible for you to suggest how one in my situation might approach that discussion at some point in the future?

 

Much, much thanks to so many of you who've provided thoughtful discussion on this. It is helping me sort out some things.

[denise_xo]

You, and others, have aptly pointed out that this, at its roots, is a communication issue rooted in our inability to have a thorough discussion about this topic. I gotta be honest and say that I would love to have that discussion, but when queried my W either gets angry, frustrated or emotional (or all of the above). That makes the dialogue (and, imo, resolution) nearly impossible. Perhaps it would be possible for you to suggest how one in my situation might approach that discussion at some point in the future?

 

.

 

Yes, those kind of situations are just extremely difficult, and I guess there isn't a quick and easy answer. In my relationship, it has sometimes helped to resolve issues via writing (in my case, email). This wasn't a conscious strategy (it happened due to intervals of LDRs), but the advantage is that it allowed both of us to express our thoughts without being interrupted by the anger and emotions of each other, it allowed us to 'finish our sentences' so to speak, and when you have to put it in writing and re-read it before it's sent off, it gives that extra reflection and care into what is being communicated and the communication itself becomes a bit more balanced, IME. You avoid some of the defense mechanisms that might be more likely to take over faster in face to face communications. So that might be something to consider. I saw another poster on here recently who sometimes argued with her H via text msg and declared the same results If I can think of something a bit more useful later, I'll get back to your thread!

[Owl]

Here's the point that most of us have made...

 

In a "normal" relationship, your response:

 

This is probably the most challenging question to answer. My response is simple: "because I am uncomfortable with it."

 

Should have been sufficient reason for her to agree to end contact with him...even if you couldn't articulate it much better than this.

 

It shouldn't have taken years to accomplish, nor should it have requried anywhere near the drama/stress/tears that you saw when it happened.

 

The fact that it took that long, and was accompanied with all of the above is a clear, point blank indicator that there was FAR too much attachment to this former boyfriend than there should have been if she were emotionally invested in your marriage. It's a red flag that there's more to watch out for.

 

Did she resume contact with him in any fashion?

[pureinheart]

This is not an infidelity story, but I was uncertain where else to post to get a formidable response. Thanks in advance for your input.

 

Background:

Wife and I have been married for 10 years. She had a serious boyfriend in high school/first year of college for 3 years. She had no other serious relationships that I'm aware of between him and me, just a few dates with a few guys.

 

Early in our relationship, she continued to maintain contact with said ex-boyfriend, exchanging birthday cards, periodic phone calls, etc. I expressed my displeasure, which was met less than enthusiastically. She insisted it was strictly platonic and that I "needed to get over it." I was concerned because there was no explanation to my question about "Why" the relationship/any contact needed to continue. When no answer was provided, I made a bad decision and created a false email account with his name and reached out to her several times. After the email exchange--which, admittedly, was innocuous--I baited her into a discussion about contact with her ex, which she steadfastly denies, until I began quoting "our" email discussions. She was furious. I admitted wrongdoing, apologized and committed to never again misleading her. I stand by that today.

 

A few years later, her brother passed away unexpectedly. Her ex was around for all the important functions (visitation, funeral, etc.). It was good of him to show support for her and her family during that tragic time, and I made sure he knew that I appreciated it. Throughout the process, I became aware that I really didn't have any issues with him. He was a nice enough guy and I was secure knowing that my then-girlfriend (now wife) and I had been together for a few years and that any romantic interested between them had probably been put on a shelf or put away altogether.

 

That said, there was still a lingering feeling of uncertainty on my part about why she had any need/desire/etc. to have any sort of contact with him. Admittedly, the contact--to the best of my knowledge--was extremely infrequent and innocent (basically emails, reconnecting a social functions, etc.). I am a person who is better off knowing things than wondering things, and so I attempted (on several occasions) to query my wife (after our marriage) about this very topic (why there was ANY need to maintain ANY contact with an ex). Her response(s) always came back to the same basic answer: "Get over yourself. We're married. What do you think is going on?"

 

To be blunt, I never felt as if I received any answers, let alone a straight answer.

 

Recently, the topic came up again . . . and, again, I expressed displeasure and confusion about why she finds it necessary to be facebook friends with her ex. Her response was the same as it has been for over 10 years. Instead of letting it go, I pressed for an answer and the discussion escalated to an argument. Deciding that it wasn't the right time or place for an argument (we had been drinking and friends were present), I disengaged and went to bed. The next morning, we resumed the discussion . . . Again, I was told that I needed to "get over it" and that it was my "problem."

 

My response was that I couldn't understand why if something made me uncomfortable that my feelings weren't being acknowledged, or at the very least why I wasn't being given an explanation. I said that as long as I wasn't given an explanation, it didn't matter how long we were married, my feelings on this issue wouldn't change.

 

My wife was upset and said, "Fine. I'll solve this right now. I'm deleting him from my friends on facebook. Are you happy?" As soon as she deleted his name, she began crying and emotionally said "You should be happy now; you finally got your way," and tried to leave the discussion.

 

I explained, calmly, that the point of the discussion was not deleting him from facebook but rather providing an explanation about why she felt the need to maintain any connection with him whatsoever. After pressing her for 10 minutes, she responded that he was a good friend of her brother's and that he had been there for her parents after her brother had died.

 

I thought this was an extremely reasonable explanation. However, it didn't make sense (to me) that she would withhold something that straight-forward for 10 years, so I asked why she hadn't just told me that before. To that end, I didn't really get an answer other than "I tried to say that a long time ago, but you didn't listen."

 

Without getting into a he-said, she-said, I'll just say that I encouraged her to stay friends with him if that was the motivation. Yet, I have lingering questions for the women in the audience . . .

 

* What other possible explanations are there for her wanting to have ANY contact with an ex?

 

* How can I approach this subject with her to provide some finality on this, even though in her mind she's given her response, when I am not 100% convinced that this is the entire story?

 

* Any other wisdom . . . ?

 

Thank you.

 

You know, I'm floored...really.

 

On one hand I can understand platonic relationships as I have many of them, although I can't remember any of them taking presidence over my current relationships.

 

I would say this person has some sort of hold on her.

 

This is a hard one, racking my brain for an answer. I have mostly guy friends, and dated a couple of them, but it never worked out and still stay in contact. An exbf was jealous of one of them, but it was because he was unwilling to commit and knew it.

 

She has stayed with you (ands sorry if this is broken up, thinking out loud)...is he married? (apologies if this question has been asked, I have only read the OP)...if he is married then there might be a reason why she trips like that...but if he is available and has stayed with you....this is a hard one!

[pureinheart]

I agree that she's prioritising it over her R with her H. Perhaps she doesn't like being told who she can and can't remain friends with. If I were to find myself in an analogous position, I'd probably feel the same. I'd probably feel that my H had morphed into someone different to the man I'd thought I'd M... that he'd become some paranoid, jealous guy that I couldn't relate to anymore, and that losing him would be a smaller loss than losing my right to be who I wanted, to see who I wanted and to own all facets of my life. My integrity and independence matter far much more to me than who I wake up next to in the mornings, and perhaps she feels something similar.

 

I've counselled way too many battered women to know that the first step toward allowing yourself to lose your self-esteem to the extent that you allow some man to hit you, is allowing him to start calling the shots in your life in more "trivial" matters, like who you are or are not allowed to see, befriend or keep contact with.

 

Meaning, this could be a way of maintaining her "identity" (whether negative or possitive).

 

When H says something, could this be a trigger from past abuse? Not saying H is or is not an abuser, but it does sound like a trigger response to me.

 

Very good point OW. Thank you, by my last post it is obvious that the boards have infuenced a suspious nature that I absolutely hate!

Edited November 11, 2010 by pureinheart

[rhett89]

Here's the point that most of us have made...

 

In a "normal" relationship, your response:

 

Should have been sufficient reason for her to agree to end contact with him...even if you couldn't articulate it much better than this.

 

It shouldn't have taken years to accomplish, nor should it have requried anywhere near the drama/stress/tears that you saw when it happened.

 

The fact that it took that long, and was accompanied with all of the above is a clear, point blank indicator that there was FAR too much attachment to this former boyfriend than there should have been if she were emotionally invested in your marriage. It's a red flag that there's more to watch out for.

 

I haven't heard you weigh in on your opinion about her reason for wanting to maintain contact (that he and her now-deceased brother were very close friends, and the he was someone who helped her family through the tragedy of her brother's suicide when she couldn't be physically present because she lived 250 miles away) . . . I'm curious to know your thoughts?

 

 

Did she resume contact with him in any fashion?

 

This matter is only days old (her deleting him from FB), so no, that has not happened.

[rhett89]

 

She has stayed with you (ands sorry if this is broken up, thinking out loud)...is he married? (apologies if this question has been asked, I have only read the OP)...if he is married then there might be a reason why she trips like that...but if he is available and has stayed with you....this is a hard one!

 

 

He and my W are both in their mid 30s. He is not and has not been married. I also do not believe that he has been in a serious relationship in recent years.

[Schism]

He and my W are both in their mid 30s. He is not and has not been married. I also do not believe that he has been in a serious relationship in recent years.

 

Bracing for impact in three, two, one... lol! JK! That info will illicit a response for sure.

 

Just want to make one related observation. If they have "something" going on, FB is not the only form of communication out there available to them. It would seem that from her reaction they haven't used other forms.

In a nutshell, you two need to open your souls to one another and talk openly and neutrally about how the other one truly "feels" in thier heart about this and other things. Not pointed questioning, not sparring. Maybe you could use this topic as a segway into such a conversaton with her?

[AmIWrong]

I haven't read all responses so please forgive me if I repeat something someone has already written.

 

Maybe what you need from her to calm you is reassurance that she chooses to be with you for the right reasons? I know if I were in your shoes (and I kinda am) I would not be Ok with the possibility that I was/am her default choice. Meaning, she chose you in part because he regected her. I would worry that she was maintaining that contact in hopes that he'll eventually "come around". I would feel terribly insecure that if/when that happened, I would be out like yesterday's trash.

 

Do you have similar feelings? If not, what do you feel? What do you say to yourself about why you're "uncomfortable" with their continued friendship? What specific thoughts/feelings/emotions are triggered inside you? Have you shared them with your W?

 

And finally...What were the circumstances surrounding their break-up? It might help you help her answer "why" if you had a better understanding of the full scope of their relationship. And since she insisted on maintaining contact for so many years, she should at least be willing to give you that if she hasn't already.

 

P.S. You could ask a trusted family doctor for a referral to a good MC.

[Owl]

Rhet, you asked:

I haven't heard you weigh in on your opinion about her reason for wanting to maintain contact (that he and her now-deceased brother were very close friends, and the he was someone who helped her family through the tragedy of her brother's suicide when she couldn't be physically present because she lived 250 miles away) . . . I'm curious to know your thoughts?

 

Actually, I'd weighed in on that back on page 1:

 

 

Personally, I'd suspect that she's been harboring unresolved romantic feelings for this ex all these years. Look at the fight and tears that ending that contact created. Again, an indicator that this relationship was a LOT more (at least to her) than just a passing, occasional conversation.

 

She was clinging to it for some reason.

 

I believe she's still holding a flame for him...and maintaining contact with him both keeps that flame alive and the door open should the situation change and he (or she) become "available". If anything changed the situation and their communication became more frequent or migrated onto more 'emotional' grounds, this could develop into an emotional affair.

 

She made such a big deal about not giving up this contact that there has to be more emotional entanglement than she's willing to admit...she might not even be admitting this to herself.

[Baby Gorilla]

Just friend some of your ex's.

 

Start up some convo's, If shes asks about them, give her a few bull**** answers as to why you talk to them.

 

No big deal.

[lkjh]

Anyone who thinks that keeping contact with ex's is ok and that facebook is no big deal is a flat out idiot. The reason infidelity is rising so quickly is because we no longer have real boundaries in relationships. All of this bs about what keeping in contact with ex's may mean emotionally is flat out crap. Being PC about this topic will destroy marriages

 

You are not wrong for wanting to know why especially when most people wouldn't even be ok with her keeping contact with their ex's

[desertIslandCactus]

Anyone who thinks that keeping contact with ex's is ok and that facebook is no big deal is a flat out idiot. The reason infidelity is rising so quickly is because we no longer have real boundaries in relationships. All of this bs about what keeping in contact with ex's may mean emotionally is flat out crap. Being PC about this topic will destroy marriages

 

You are not wrong for wanting to know why especially when most people wouldn't even be ok with her keeping contact with their ex's

 

I agree, Marriage is Closed.

 

But in ref to some of the other responses Rhet, I do have to add..

 

I made a study of this long before your thread .. Someone contacted me through Classmates.com .. Told me afterward he was married.. I thought I could handle it ..

 

Perhaps niavity on my part, but I pretty much came to the conclusion that the married people these days do it .. because they think there's nothing wrong with it.. In this situation, both he and his wife were doing it .. He always professed his love for her and their mutual trust.

 

So I'm going to say the reason this happens is because of boredom, because they think they can handle it, because they don't think anything is wrong with these 'friendships'.. and because the people in the M who are doing it: Think they're wonderful!

[jnj express]

I have to agree with the last poster----the mge., becomes, the same old day by day thing, boredom sets in, the partners many times don't vary their routines, there is no more infatuation/hot passion. It is mature love, but it is boring----they watch TV---they see all these hot bodies, they see all the cheating---it's on every channel---in the papers---on the internet---the social sites make it simple to hook-up---and if a spouse really has raging hormones/missed sowing their wild oats---the leave their brain cells at the door---and see what they can get away with

 

In all cases it is a cat and mouse game---what can I get away with---I will never be caught---he/she will never suspect-----they take their chances, figuring if I get caught I can talk my way out of it----How many poor betrayeds get cheated on, profess their love, and stay in the mge.

 

In today's society, mge., IMHO is slowly sinking into the dust---too bad, so sad.

[rhett89]

Bracing for impact in three, two, one... lol! JK! That info will illicit a response for sure.

 

Just want to make one related observation. If they have "something" going on, FB is not the only form of communication out there available to them. It would seem that from her reaction they haven't used other forms.

In a nutshell, you two need to open your souls to one another and talk openly and neutrally about how the other one truly "feels" in thier heart about this and other things. Not pointed questioning, not sparring. Maybe you could use this topic as a segway into such a conversaton with her?

 

 

Fair observation. And, truthfully, I do not think they have anything going on. I realize this probably makes me seem like the most petty, insecure SOB on this forum. Fair enough. Truth is, I am still uncomfortable not understanding the need for any contact whatsoever. If that makes me petty, insecure and an SOB, then I guess that is who I am.

 

OK . . .enough about me.

 

I couldn't agree more with your recommendation. I would love to do that. I feel that broaching the subject will take tact, tenderness, timing and a whole lot of luck in order for it not to blow up in my face. I do want to try; I just don't want to set us back any further. I'll keep thinking about how to do this correctly.

[rhett89]

I have to agree with the last poster----the mge., becomes, the same old day by day thing, boredom sets in, the partners many times don't vary their routines, there is no more infatuation/hot passion. It is mature love, but it is boring----they watch TV---they see all these hot bodies, they see all the cheating---it's on every channel---in the papers---on the internet---the social sites make it simple to hook-up---and if a spouse really has raging hormones/missed sowing their wild oats---the leave their brain cells at the door---and see what they can get away with

 

 

I would be less then forthcoming if I said that our marriage doesn't have the same spark as our courtship. Life has been a cyclical necessity. She's generally gone 12 hours a day, and she travels somewhat frequently for work. I also travel for work approximately 8 weeks out of the year. Our time together on a daily basis seems to be devoted primarily to tactical discussions (what to do about the kids, when we need a babysitter, laundry, dishes, dinner, cleaning, home maintenance, making sure we're both aware of each other's schedules, etc.) than it is about anything else. Her favorite topic of discussion is work; mine is anything but my work, or her work.

 

The sparks we have today are primarily caused by friction (poor attempt at humor--coping mechanism).

[denise_xo]

I would be less then forthcoming if I said that our marriage doesn't have the same spark as our courtship. Life has been a cyclical necessity. She's generally gone 12 hours a day, and she travels somewhat frequently for work. I also travel for work approximately 8 weeks out of the year. Our time together on a daily basis seems to be devoted primarily to tactical discussions (what to do about the kids, when we need a babysitter, laundry, dishes, dinner, cleaning, home maintenance, making sure we're both aware of each other's schedules, etc.) than it is about anything else. Her favorite topic of discussion is work; mine is anything but my work, or her work.

 

The sparks we have today are primarily caused by friction (poor attempt at humor--coping mechanism).

 

Given this last post, I'd strongly recommend MC, to address the wider context of your relationship and in addition to the issue of your OP. Those kind of situations are fraught with potential to go into down hill spirals. Be proactive and take charge of it now, before it gets out of hand.