Facebook Friends with an Ex?

[rhett89]

Well, I can give you a 'female' POV but I suspect that we might just have different perspectives on this. I am friends with my ex on facebook. I never really use facebook anymore, so it doesn't mean we have much contact, but we had a few 'how are you doing/ what's going on in your life' exchanges when we connected, after having not had contact for a few years. That was followed by the occasional comments to each others' wall posts. It was nice to hear from him and I was happy to hear that he was doing well, and it was nice to just get a little update on his life. He's in a relationship that he seemed happy with, I am also married. He was an important part of my life for a while, so I appreciated having that very occasional contact and knowing that he's well. I certainly have no desire whatsoever to get back with him.

 

If my H had made a fuss over being friends with my ex on fb, in a situation where he had no other reason to believe that there was anything inappropriate with this relation, I would be pissed off. Why? Because I'd view it as a lack of trust. So yes, I would probably see it as the kind of insecurity that you are describing in the first post I have quoted here. Similarly, I would see it as unreasonable if I had demanded that my ex (then partner) stop producing music with his ex when we were together - i.e., it goes both ways.

 

Having said that, I'm not arguing that your perspective is 'wrong' - people view these things differently. Similar debates come up at this board regularly as to whether it's possible to have friends of the opposite sex or not. For some people it is and for others it's not - I view it more as a question of finding a compatible partner than deciding whether one position is 'right' or 'wrong'.

 

Your points are well-taken. And I think it is entirely possible that my wife is upset because she views my insecurities as a lack of trust in her. What I do not understand, however, is why she cried when she deleted him from her FB friends (again, I was only requesting a discussion about the reason(s) she needed to maintain a relationship at all)?

 

I have no doubt that exes can be friends. I just question WHY they must remain friends, especially if they had a deeply intimate relationship and the new significant other is uncomfortable with it.

 

Any further insight? I appreciate your opinions!

[rhett89]

I can see your point, Owoman.

 

But...the key problem here is that it WASN'T trivial...most especially to HER.

 

As you agreed...it was prioritized OVER their relationship.

 

That's not trivial.

 

And the 'risks' of maintaining relationships with ex's after you're married have been proven over and over ad nauseum.

 

Nor does the OP sound like he's gearing up to "throw down" with his wife, either.

 

I would say that rather than view this as him trying to "take over her life"...this is something that should have been recognized as "an issue" and a compromise or agreemant reached, rather than his fears being blown off as groundless.

 

How many threads have we seen over on 'seperation and divorce' that start out with "my wife reconnected with so-and-so on facebook"...

 

Thanks for rushing to my defense.

 

I have no desire or intention to throw down with my wife over this issue. I only seek to gain an understanding. If she said, "Hey, I want to maintain a relationship because (insert reason here)," well, then I'd have to live with whatever reason that was because I am the one asking for a reason. Or, I'd have a decision to make.

 

Which is my point.

 

If the reason isn't a big deal, then why is it a big deal to give a reason? To me, not answering the question directly is problematic because it makes me wonder why my W won't answer the question directly and instead chooses to argue.

 

My wife is a successful, talented, beautiful, caring, passionate woman. She is articulate and strong. She is a VP at a large company. All this makes me WONDER . . . why such a hard time with THIS discussion . . . ????

[rhett89]

I don't disagree with you, Owl - I think THE ISSUE is very significant, whether or not the actual continued contact is or not. It matters to her, and it matters to him - and they are diametrically opposed on it. I'd say that it's an indicator of a fundamental disparity in the R - one that they need to resolve if their M is to survive, rather than one or the other backing down on it and being unhappy. They need to discuss the issues behind the issue with a good counsellor, who can hopefully guide them toward common ground or a compromise that they can both live with.

 

If someone is choosing a principle above their partner, or another person above their partner, the R is in serious danger.

 

This I agree with 100%.

 

How does one find a "good" counselor?

[rhett89]

I believe it would be the same reason that you maintain contact with classmates, old family friends, college friends, etc. The person was an important part of her life and her family's life.

 

However, if you both can't agree to having contact with the person, therein lies the problem. Also, you said you didn't find the guy threatening or find that they corresponded in an inappropriate fashion.

 

 

You're 100% correct. The issue is that I have an issue with the contact (because I don't think it's necessary) and she has an issue with me having an issue (because she thinks it's no big deal. I feel like she is prioritizing something she doesn't feel is a big deal over something I dislike.

[goingstrong]

Satan's notebook at it again.

[alexandria35]

I haven't read all the responses, but personally I don't understand the whole being friends with your ex situation. I'm not friends with any of my exes. Not that were enemies and if I ran into an ex somewhere I would be friendly and say hello, but they are not friends. When I have had male friends I have always matained strong boundaries and could never see myself becoming attracted to them. My feelings of friendship are similar to the feelings I have for my family and the idea of being romantic with any of my friends feels icky.

 

However I did encounter this situation in a past relationship. My then boyfriend was friends with several females and a couple of his exes. There was one in particular who lived out of town and she would call him up just to chat from time to time. My boyfriend told me all about her, said he had dated her very briefly, nothing came of it, but they had been friends ever since. He said he liked her a great deal as a friend but he could never imagine being with her romantically. Okay cool. I honestly didn't have a problem with their continued contact. Barely even thought about her except for when she would call when I was around, and then I would just politely ask how she was doing.

 

Fast forward to a couple of years later when my boyfriend suddenly dumps me (he was very emotionally unstable, used to dump me on regular basis during his episodes, but that's another story). We would normally get back together within a few days after he calmed down, but this time I was too hurt and angry to forgive him that quickly. A few weeks pass and I come to find out that he has a new gf and that she has moved in with him already. It freaked me out but since we were in no contact already I just kept that up and never spoke to him. I did, however, obsess over how the heck he had a new serious gf so quick. Many many months later I got back together with him (I know, stupid of me, but I'm getting better) and that's when I found out that the woman who suddenly appeared was this exgf/now supposed platonic friend. I was like "wow I thought you didn't sleep with your friends" and from then on I had a real issue with her, cause yeah, they were still "friends" only now they weren't just friends they were best friends and he was determined to keep it that way no matter how I felt about it.

 

Obviously we broke up again and it was for a variety of reasons but the whole exgf now my best friend thing did play a big part. I'm not normally jealous but to me he had proven that he did not keep healthy boundaries with his female friends. Whenever the topic would come up he would try to give me the whole "but were just friends, I don't look at her that way" speech, which were obviously meaningless words to me, because that's exactly what he had said before and then he went and had a sexual relationship with her. Clearly he had no problem getting it on with his supposed platonic exes.

 

Okay don't know what the point of that whole story was except to illustrate how being friends with an ex can escalate into a whole lot more under certain circumstances. He and I were fighting, she came along and offered him comfort, and bam! it was on again.

[Fight4Me]

You wanted more opinions from women, and since I am one, I think I qualify to give my two cents.

 

It boils down to basic respect. I could never keep contact with anyone who made my husband uncomfortable or insecure, especially someone with whom I had serious intimate relations for THREE YEARS! That isn't a friend, that's a lover... an ex lover, but lover nonetheless.

 

Spouses are supposed to have each other's backs. I cannot fathom crying over deleting a friend from facebook. I mean, seriously. It would be one thing if it were my best girlfriend who has positively supported me, but I wouldn't blink an eye over a boyfriend from my past. UNLESS.... I had some unresolved feelings for him, some nostalgia that I couldn't let go of, or harbored secret fantasies over what life with him would be like if we had stayed together.

 

Over our 20+ years together my husband and I have voluntarily given up people or activities that have caused the other some type of angst. I had a girlfriend who was toxic, and I had a difficult time letting go because I thought it would make me a bad person to give up on her. When I realized she was becoming a thorn in our marriage, it became a no-brainer.

 

The only time our mutual respect was shattered was when an old girlfriend found my husband on.... drum roll, please.... FACEBOOK, and he engaged in a relatively short, but devastating affair with her. My story has been laid out here many times, so no need to rehash it entirely, especially since we are now fully reconciled. But the lesson here is that it's important to keep healthy boundaries in a marriage. Clinging desperately to an old lover simply isn't it.

 

rhett89 doesn't seem like he wants to FORCE his wife to give up this guy, but is concerned over the fact that she isn't willing to do so on her own even after knowing it causes him pain and concern. He's admitted his own wrong-doing and now just wants to know if his thinking is off. I say "no," and highly suggest the book "Boundaries in Marriage" for the both of them to read. Sometimes it just takes a reevaluation of how you're doing things to see what your actions or inactions are doing to an otherwise great marriage.

 

Good luck, rhett. Don't let my above situation stress you out, but instead know that your concerns are valid. Don't freak out on her, but do take steps to protect your marriage by negotiating and maintaining proper boundaries. Don't forget to include yourself in that also.

Edited November 10, 2010 by Fight4Me

[Schism]

I am new here and signed up to specifically anwer this post since I have some perspective to offer from your wifes side of the matter.

 

There is a possiblilty that she is reluctant to remove him because she gains something from the contact. Maybe she is reminded of a time when she wasn't superwoman and may value that relationship on a deeper level because it helps her retain a part of her that may be lost to her in her current life. Women lose a lot of themselves when they become wives, mothers, leaders, etc. and sometimes there are things that they cling to that remind them of thier old "pre-commitments" identity. Just an idea, and not saying it is right or wrong but it can happen. Could be there are deeper needs to be met that may make you both more secure in this matter? Her tears are indicative of that.

 

Not directly related, but I had an epiphany last year at this time. I used to be very insecure about my husband (of 21 years) since he is emotionally flat most times and generally disconnected toward me, which is fodder to the imagination to someone with insecurities. Several times I wwondered if he was having affairs. To make a long story short, I realized that everything I was doing and saying wouldn't make one bit of difference if he decided to have an affair, infact my insecurities could push him to it. I decided to not live in fear of what "could be", but yet to reinforce our bond and love for each other. Started reading books on meeting each others emotional needs and learned a lot from it. It's like having the man I used to date back, the one I chose over the FB friends...

Edited November 10, 2010 by Schism

[rhett89]

You wanted more opinions from women, and since I am one, I think I qualify to give my two cents.

 

It boils down to basic respect. I could never keep contact with anyone who made my husband uncomfortable or insecure, especially someone with whom I had serious intimate relations for THREE YEARS! That isn't a friend, that's a lover... an ex lover, but lover nonetheless.

 

Spouses are supposed to have each other's backs. I cannot fathom crying over deleting a friend from facebook. I mean, seriously. It would be one thing if it were my best girlfriend who has positively supported me, but I wouldn't blink an eye over a boyfriend from my past. UNLESS.... I had some unresolved feelings for him, some nostalgia that I couldn't let go of, or harbored secret fantasies over what life with him would be like if we had stayed together.

 

rhett89 doesn't seem like he wants to FORCE his wife to give up this guy, but is concerned over the fact that she isn't willing to do so on her own even after knowing it causes him pain and concern.

 

Good luck, rhett. Don't let my above situation stress you out, but instead know that your concerns are valid. Don't freak out on her, but do take steps to protect your marriage by negotiating and maintaining proper boundaries. Don't forget to include yourself in that also.

 

Thanks for the insight from a female perspective. I appreciate that. My instincts continue to tell me that there is more to her reasoning than what she has indicated . . . now I have to struggle with when it's time for me to simply trust and have faith, or if it's still worth seeking out an answer -- one I fully know I may not like.

 

Thanks, also, for the book recommendation. I'll check it out.

[rhett89]

I am new here and signed up to specifically anwer this post since I have some perspective to offer from your wifes side of the matter.

 

There is a possiblilty that she is reluctant to remove him because she gains something from the contact. Maybe she is reminded of a time when she wasn't superwoman and may value that relationship on a deeper level because it helps her retain a part of her that may be lost to her in her current life. Women lose a lot of themselves when they become wives, mothers, leaders, etc. and sometimes there are things that they cling to that remind them of thier old "pre-commitments" identity. Just an idea, and not saying it is right or wrong but it can happen. Could be there are deeper needs to be met that may make you both more secure in this matter? Her tears are indicative of that.

 

 

This kind of insight is exactly what I was hoping to find by posting on this forum. Thank you.

 

I think I'm "hearing" what you're saying, but I'm hoping you can clarify for me . . . Before women get married, they obviously date their spouse (i.e. pre-commitment days exist for a woman and the man she married) . . . how does reconnecting with an old flame help their current life? How does it contribute to their current life if they know it causes their spouse discomfort?

 

Not trying to be argumentative . . . just seeking understanding.

 

Thank you!

[YellowShark]

Not trying to be argumentative . . . just seeking understanding.

 

It is not wrong for you to ask your wife-of-10-years to stop contacting her ex lover via Facebook since it causes you anguish, and marital conflict. It is wrong for your wife-of-10-years to refuse to do it.

 

You are not asking her to completely change her life,.. just not put herself in a situation where an old flame can rekindle.

 

Thats the bottom line.

[desertIslandCactus]

Rhett, haven't read the whole thread .. Just glanced last night ..

 

The consensus is Right. And you are not wrong.

 

I have no idea why, but in this day and age people think it's OK to be in contact with others and call them friends .. Because of sights like facebook?? I don't know.

 

I have a friend who just remarried about 4 yrs ago .. (later in life for both) .. His wife is in contact with both exhusband and childhood boyfriend on facebook.

 

He doesn't seem to mind .. but I think it's audacity and sense of Entitlement on her part .. Thinks she's wonderful??

 

Bottom line is .. Marriage is closed. Husband has every right to ask that his wife respect his wishes about Any outside influences or friends.

[jwi71]

how does reconnecting with an old flame help their current life? How does it contribute to their current life if they know it causes their spouse discomfort?

 

You're asking the wrong person...ask your W.

 

But you have asked...and her reply was, basically, "He's just a friend so get over it".

 

Every time she manipulated it back onto YOU - deflecting the conversation. And the answer gets lost in debating if you are "right or not" to set boundaries on YOUR M. And here you are, deeply uncomfortable with setting boundaries yet uncomfortable with what your W says and does.

 

Google "gas lighting".

 

And lets face it, almost everyone agrees (on a faceless internet forum) that the sitch as presented justifies your responses.

 

Look, you're NOT going to get what you want from this board. In fact, I doubt you will EVER find "the answer" as your W ISN'T sharing it. What can you DO to get your W to share that info?

 

I would say find an MC (google for one in your zip code) and go. Tell your W that these are for you both to clear the air about this. Ten years is long enough to go through this...end it NOW.

 

Share her reaction to that.

[YellowShark]

Every time she manipulated it back onto YOU - deflecting the conversation. And the answer gets lost in debating if you are "right or not" to set boundaries on YOUR M. And here you are, deeply uncomfortable with setting boundaries yet uncomfortable with what your W says and does.

 

Google "gas lighting".

 

I agree 100%. Her loyalty should be with her current husband-of-10-years and not with her EX-boyfriend FROM 10 YEARS AGO. Her deflections making it rhett89's "problem" is definitely gaslighting.

 

ETA:

 

Me thinks she still has an emotional (not sexual) connection with this previous boyfriend, and simply has not totally "let go".. hence her refusal over the years of arguments to minimize contact with him.

Edited November 10, 2010 by YellowShark

[Schism]

This kind of insight is exactly what I was hoping to find by posting on this forum. Thank you.

 

I think I'm "hearing" what you're saying, but I'm hoping you can clarify for me . . . Before women get married, they obviously date their spouse (i.e. pre-commitment days exist for a woman and the man she married) . . . how does reconnecting with an old flame help their current life? How does it contribute to their current life if they know it causes their spouse discomfort?

 

Not trying to be argumentative . . . just seeking understanding.

 

Thank you!

 

Understood. I never implied that it "helps" at all. Infact it could be detrimental to one. What I am referring to is not "black and white" thinking like being presented by others. It absolutely can be construed as a threat whether she messages him once an hour or once a year. It's obviously not about right and wrong. Textbook answers says she's wrong, but yet she does it anyway. It's about why, the real why. That's the million dollar question for you here.

 

From this thread I can't ascertain the variables in your relationship that could drive her to protect the contact. There could be old flame issues, could be control issues to counter manipulation ploys or other needs not being met (no offense to you, just left to speculate). We really don't know. How connected are you two? Maybe a true, non-confrontational heart to heart will help you to see it from each others side and come to a resolution? Just an observation, if she gaslights you on the FB friend issue, I doubt she will go to a MC for it. She'll think it's absurd.

[Schism]

Me thinks she still has an emotional (not sexual) connection with this previous boyfriend, and simply has not totally "let go".. hence her refusal over the years of arguments to minimize contact with him.

 

Excellent observaton.

[Guitarjeff]

Agree, this is about simply respecting your relationship. When you love someone and are devoted to them, then if something like this bothers them, THAT SHOULD be enough to stop the contact. This is not some vanilla issue, it is an issue about contact with a former LOVER, and that nature in itself is important in the debate. It would be different if yu didn'tlike the fact that she took a sleeping pill every night, because the issue is a vanilla issue that has no real consequences for hurt feelings or jelousy, do you see? The nature of the issue is NOT VANILLA, it's can and would hurt many many spouses in your situation, and she should respect you enough to put an end to it, EVEN IF SHE FELT IT WAS NOT WRONG, because when you love someone, you are willing to do even things you don't agree with EXACTLY because you love that person and you want them to feel secure.

 

Here's a situation for you that is also not Vanilla. let's say you have a couple heroin addict friends. They have been close friends all your life. You like going out and drinking with them, and you go outside and stand around and talk with them while they shoot up. Your wife feels uncomfortable with this and says she would prefer you not do this. It doesn't mean she would be distrusting you and thinking that you would end up shooting up too, but she would have the right to say to you that there is NO NEED for you to put yourself in a situation even with a remote possibility that you might get weak one day, a little drunk, they put some in front of your nose, and boom, your life AND HERS would change forever. The point is, there is NO NEED for her to contunue to do something if it makes you feel uncomfortable, EVEN IF she would never do anything with him. That's neither here nor there. It makes you feel uncomfortable EVEN FOR HER to put herself in a remotely possible position for something to happen. That remote posssibility is EASILY ENOUGH to make you uncomfortable, and should be EASILY enough for her to end the uncomfortable feeling that her loving partner feels.

 

It's really that simple. We are not talking about a vanilla issue that has no possibility to cause resentment, hurt feelings, loss of respect. the nature of the issue CAN CAUSE resentments and hurt feelings, and she should be right there saying, "Honey, I would never do or start anything with another man, but that doesn't matter, if you feel uncomfortable with me talking with an ex lover, then that's by far enough for me to put and end to it, case closed"

[rhett89]

It's about why, the real why. That's the million dollar question for you here.

 

 

Bingo!

 

 

From this thread I can't ascertain the variables in your relationship that could drive her to protect the contact. There could be old flame issues, could be control issues to counter manipulation ploys or other needs not being met (no offense to you, just left to speculate).

 

 

No offense taken. These are legitimate questions that need answers. Clearly I am not self-reflective enough to uncover whether there are things I've done to contribute to the situation. I'd like to believe not, but wisdom suggests that it's more plausible that I have had SOMETHING to do with it, regardless of how insignificant.

 

 

How connected are you two? Maybe a true, non-confrontational heart to heart will help you to see it from each others side and come to a resolution? Just an observation, if she gaslights you on the FB friend issue, I doubt she will go to a MC for it. She'll think it's absurd.

 

 

How connected are we? Boy, that's a great question. Those who know us would probably say that we have a strong marriage. I think my wife would say that we have had some challenges over the years, but that we're "fine." I would say that we struggle with communicating about a select few issues, which ultimately cause the vast majority of our disagreements. Our inabilities, collectively, to communicate about the topics of our disagreements and our fundamental needs (both of us) to prove that our points are correct, oftentimes leads to much larger arguments. A handful of times, those arguments have led to blow-outs. Neither of us has strayed from our marriage, had any sort of addiction issues, or any of the other typical issues that break apart relationships. We do, however (IMO), tend to struggle with communication related to topics we feel strongly (and differently) about.

 

An MC visit might be in our best interest regardless of the issue I've introduced on this forum simply because it may help give us strategies to better communicate, which I think many of you have appropriately suggested.

 

Thank you for your continued thoughts.

 

If there's anything else, I'm all ears....

[TheMENemy]

Keep the Facebook, get rid of the wife.

[Schism]

Keep the Facebook, get rid of the wife.

 

Um...yeah... there's an answer... lol!

 

Good luck to you Rhett, hope everything turns out good.

[Jonah]

A tried and true long term strategy... Just do your normal husband things and (yawn!) when the subject comes up. Pick up a new hobby and do things that YOU want to do. She will wonder whats going on - maybe she needs some fear of the unknown for her to understand your fear of the unknown. If you want a laugh, tell her that its ok now she can do what she wants... that you see things differently now. Don't withhold your love - just detach from the jealousy thing. Try it - it works.

 

That putting your foot down thing... its like trying to catch a humming bird with a shoe box.

[fltc]

First, I'm very sorry to hear about the terminal illness afflicting your ex.

 

Can't be helped, **** happens. She had breast cancer, had radical mastectomy but was told there was a 50% chance of recurrence. The real stab in the back was she was cancer free for about 12 years but woke up one morning with a bad pain in the side. She hesitated going to the doc because she knew, deep down inside, what it was and sure enough, it metastasized into bone cancer and had spread. Sooner or later it will go into lung cancer or brain cancer and there's no treatment other than palliative. So far, that's working, she has little or no pain after chemo. The good news is that she could live 10 years or more before it's fatal and she's as old as I am, 75, so we've both lived our lives.

 

I do sincerely appreciate your response, but I'd like to follow it up with a couple of questions . . .

 

You mentioned that you have children together. In that scenario, it would seem impossible not to maintain a connection with an ex. You say that she is the mother of your children, and that will never change. I completely agree. Do you not agree that without children there is really no "bond" that forces a connection to be maintained?

 

I agree, sort of.... read on...

 

You mention a "permanent" connection as a possible reason for my wife maintaining contact . . . I'm not sure I understand why a connection with a former intimate relationship needs to be permanent . . . Can you help shed light on this?

 

Can you forget her? An ex is someone you once loved, someone who shared your life for some time and I think it's impossible to have no feelings for her/him. That feeling may be love, regret or even homicidal rage but none the less, she/he was part of your life at one time and there will be feelings forever. If there's any reason to remain friends, it may be worthwhile to do so.

 

I've snipped the last part where you state there's no reason to do so. Since that's what works for you, that's what you should do.

 

In my case no contact is impossible, in addition to the children we have many mutual friends, my sister is still very close to my ex, I very much liked her parents, etc. etc.

 

NOTE: AFAIK my ex never cheated on me so I never had to overcome the homicidal rage part...

[jnj express]

Was your wife always open, as to her facebook entries, and replies with her X----Were they always available for you to read

 

My wife talks to an old friend----it is basically to keep up on what is going on with friends of hers from years ago----the 2 of them tell each other what is happening---it is all out there for me to see, any time I want---

 

She can't/won't tell you WHY----maybe it is a reaction to you imposing your will on her---which may cause a negative reaction if you try to force counseling on her----It also may be related to a FOO issue.

 

Yes you are married---and that has specific obligations---BUT she is not your slave, and you are not her lord and master----it is spose to be a 2 way exchange-----but people are allowed to have friends, even X's---if things are kept open and above-board

 

You screwed up by being devious, and trying to bait her, to see where things would lead----they led to nowhere-----

 

It is time for you to drop it----She has deleted him---no matter what her reaction was---it's done---you got what you needed---keep an eye on her---but drop it---unless you do want to cause problems for the mge.

 

No counseling, no more baiting, and stop with your own insecurities----and stop bringing it up----it is a sore spot---just let it quietly go away---and enjoy your mge.

[rhett89]

Can you forget her? An ex is someone you once loved, someone who shared your life for some time and I think it's impossible to have no feelings for her/him. That feeling may be love, regret or even homicidal rage but none the less, she/he was part of your life at one time and there will be feelings forever. If there's any reason to remain friends, it may be worthwhile to do so.

 

I guess this is where we have a fundamental difference. I have an ex that was an important part of my life in college for a few years. I have no feelings toward her; I'm indifferent. This is probably one of the roots of my issues . . .

 

Your point is well-take, however.

 

And I'm glad there's no homicidal rage.

[rhett89]

Was your wife always open, as to her facebook entries, and replies with her X----Were they always available for you to read

 

I only found out about the FB friend thing, when I was looking through her friends list for another person and stumbled across this a few years ago. I kept quiet for at least a year to see if she would ever bring it up, knowing that I was uncomfortable with it. She never did, likely because from her perspective it wasn't a big deal and she didn't want to have "that" discussion.

 

So, no, the exchanges were not available to me, and I'm not entirely certain what, if any, exchanges there were because that has never been offered to me either.

 

 

 

She can't/won't tell you WHY----maybe it is a reaction to you imposing your will on her---which may cause a negative reaction if you try to force counseling on her----It also may be related to a FOO issue.

 

Interesting observation. I can see, I think, what your perspective is, but to me it doesn't seem as though my will is being imposed when I ask a simple question: "Why must this exist?" If that is imposing my will, I am 100% guilty as charged.

 

Sorry, I'm new here . . . what is a "FOO" issue?

 

 

 

It is time for you to drop it----She has deleted him---no matter what her reaction was---it's done---you got what you needed---keep an eye on her---but drop it---unless you do want to cause problems for the mge.

 

With due respect, her deleting him is not what I wanted. I wanted an explanation. In fairness to her, she provided one . . . one that I'm not completely certain is totally thorough. Still, with that in mind I did get what I asked for, and now I do have a choice about whether to have faith in that response or not.