Facebook Friends with an Ex?

[rhett89]

This is not an infidelity story, but I was uncertain where else to post to get a formidable response. Thanks in advance for your input.

 

Background:

Wife and I have been married for 10 years. She had a serious boyfriend in high school/first year of college for 3 years. She had no other serious relationships that I'm aware of between him and me, just a few dates with a few guys.

 

Early in our relationship, she continued to maintain contact with said ex-boyfriend, exchanging birthday cards, periodic phone calls, etc. I expressed my displeasure, which was met less than enthusiastically. She insisted it was strictly platonic and that I "needed to get over it." I was concerned because there was no explanation to my question about "Why" the relationship/any contact needed to continue. When no answer was provided, I made a bad decision and created a false email account with his name and reached out to her several times. After the email exchange--which, admittedly, was innocuous--I baited her into a discussion about contact with her ex, which she steadfastly denies, until I began quoting "our" email discussions. She was furious. I admitted wrongdoing, apologized and committed to never again misleading her. I stand by that today.

 

A few years later, her brother passed away unexpectedly. Her ex was around for all the important functions (visitation, funeral, etc.). It was good of him to show support for her and her family during that tragic time, and I made sure he knew that I appreciated it. Throughout the process, I became aware that I really didn't have any issues with him. He was a nice enough guy and I was secure knowing that my then-girlfriend (now wife) and I had been together for a few years and that any romantic interested between them had probably been put on a shelf or put away altogether.

 

That said, there was still a lingering feeling of uncertainty on my part about why she had any need/desire/etc. to have any sort of contact with him. Admittedly, the contact--to the best of my knowledge--was extremely infrequent and innocent (basically emails, reconnecting a social functions, etc.). I am a person who is better off knowing things than wondering things, and so I attempted (on several occasions) to query my wife (after our marriage) about this very topic (why there was ANY need to maintain ANY contact with an ex). Her response(s) always came back to the same basic answer: "Get over yourself. We're married. What do you think is going on?"

 

To be blunt, I never felt as if I received any answers, let alone a straight answer.

 

Recently, the topic came up again . . . and, again, I expressed displeasure and confusion about why she finds it necessary to be facebook friends with her ex. Her response was the same as it has been for over 10 years. Instead of letting it go, I pressed for an answer and the discussion escalated to an argument. Deciding that it wasn't the right time or place for an argument (we had been drinking and friends were present), I disengaged and went to bed. The next morning, we resumed the discussion . . . Again, I was told that I needed to "get over it" and that it was my "problem."

 

My response was that I couldn't understand why if something made me uncomfortable that my feelings weren't being acknowledged, or at the very least why I wasn't being given an explanation. I said that as long as I wasn't given an explanation, it didn't matter how long we were married, my feelings on this issue wouldn't change.

 

My wife was upset and said, "Fine. I'll solve this right now. I'm deleting him from my friends on facebook. Are you happy?" As soon as she deleted his name, she began crying and emotionally said "You should be happy now; you finally got your way," and tried to leave the discussion.

 

I explained, calmly, that the point of the discussion was not deleting him from facebook but rather providing an explanation about why she felt the need to maintain any connection with him whatsoever. After pressing her for 10 minutes, she responded that he was a good friend of her brother's and that he had been there for her parents after her brother had died.

 

I thought this was an extremely reasonable explanation. However, it didn't make sense (to me) that she would withhold something that straight-forward for 10 years, so I asked why she hadn't just told me that before. To that end, I didn't really get an answer other than "I tried to say that a long time ago, but you didn't listen."

 

Without getting into a he-said, she-said, I'll just say that I encouraged her to stay friends with him if that was the motivation. Yet, I have lingering questions for the women in the audience . . .

 

* What other possible explanations are there for her wanting to have ANY contact with an ex?

 

* How can I approach this subject with her to provide some finality on this, even though in her mind she's given her response, when I am not 100% convinced that this is the entire story?

 

* Any other wisdom . . . ?

 

Thank you.

[YellowShark]

Your wife should respect your boundaries and work hard to stay within them. End of story. Just like you should respect her boundaries and work hard to stay inside them.

 

Since contact with a former lover - her EX - is outside a boundary you are comfortable with her refusal to cut off communication with him is a sign that she is unwilling to stay within the boundaries of what you need in your relationship.

 

Her anger towards you is called gaslighting, she is trying to make you out as the "crazy one" in this scenario. Let's say the roles were reversed, would she be happy that you were angry at her because she asked you to not be in contact with a former lover.. and you refused?

 

Best of luck.

[jwi71]

Your W is making a choice - a value judgment.

 

She is saying, in all practical purposes, that her friendship with her xBF is MORE important than you. You were then and are now uncomfortable with her continued contact and friendship with a former flame. You have taken reasonable steps in stating how this contact makes you feel (uncomfortable) and have drawn boundaries.

 

Those boundaries are well within your right to set.

However, she does NOT respect them and in doing so she minimizes and disrespects YOUR feelings. She knows this and does it anyway. A choice. HER choice.

 

Her anger, to me, is the outward display of emotion she feels towards him. Ever take a favorite toy from a child for whatever reason? Same thing.

 

Solely based on her reaction, she has a unhealthy emotional attachment to him. And its a warning sign. A red flag.

 

My advice would be to find yourself a good MC because that "unhealthy emotional attachment" is worrisome. You don't want that emotional attachment and energy being given to another man. And that's what she's doing.

 

And she KNOWS you don't like it. And she chooses it anyway.

 

And THAT should scare the hell out of you.

[imagine]

When you marry, no one keeps solo contact with past boy/girlfriends.

 

You were protecting your marriage by watching her. Ignore the tears and continue to key log her calls. This time do NOT warn her.

 

Continue to meet her emotional needs. The contact with ex might be need for conversation...

[rhett89]

 

And she KNOWS you don't like it. And she chooses it anyway.

 

And THAT should scare the hell out of you.

 

 

This essentially crystallizes how I feel (i.e. that she is prioritizing her need to have a relationship -- regardless of whether it is active or inactive -- with someone is more important than my insecurity with that relationship). That said, there is a part of me that questions whether I am being incredibly unfair to her in that asking her to relinquish contact with someone she professes to view only as a friend is asking her to relinquish a string holding her to her deceased brother. If that is a viable explanation, then I feel like a completely a-hole for my insecurities.

[rhett89]

When you marry, no one keeps solo contact with past boy/girlfriends.

 

You were protecting your marriage by watching her. Ignore the tears and continue to key log her calls. This time do NOT warn her.

 

Continue to meet her emotional needs. The contact with ex might be need for conversation...

 

 

To be clear, I have never seen any phone calls on her phone to or from this person. Further, I have not seen any emails (since we've been married). The only FB messages I've seen have been as platonic as our interchanges here.

[rhett89]

I am particularly interested in hearing from any women here who might be able to shed light on any other reasons that my wife might be interested in maintaining a facebook friendship with an ex. I do not believe there is a physical relationship, and do not believe that she would ever cross that line, no matter what. But there is an emotional side of this that I clearly do not "get" that must be something women can decipher? Thoughts?

[martini-mae]

She married you, didn't she?

 

If it's just Facebook & she isn't meeting this other man for drinks, dinner, lunch (& you know this!) Does he live close by where she could meet up with him? Are you sure it wasn't just a matter of getting your way after all these years? or your own insecurities from tricking her before? (not smart in my book) Are you sure you're not making more out of this than what's there?

 

I'm friends on Facebook with the guy that took me to my junior prom....32 YEARS AGO! We chat every now & then. Mostly about our families. If you're so threatened why don't you friend him on FB too. After all you are her husband. That way you can see what they are talking about.

[aeh]

I can relate to this. I dated a guy for three years, overlapping high school and college. We were very serious. I remained very good friends with him after we broke up. He attended my wedding and I attended his. I am now better friends with his wife. Although I am friends with him (and his wife) on FB, I purposely only interact with his w on FB. Actually, my H plays golf with him occasionally and we go to dinner with them on occasion. When we do go to dinner, I hug the wife always. Sometimes I hug him (although kind of one of those "sideways" hugs-no frontal touching. I have NO desire or lingering romantic feelings for him whatsoever and I would never think he had any for me. He is just someone who I think is funny, we all enjoy each other's company and that's that. I do try to be extra conscious though of anything that either spouse could get the wrong idea from.

[fltc]

I am particularly interested in hearing from any women here who might be able to shed light on any other reasons that my wife might be interested in maintaining a facebook friendship with an ex.

 

I'm not female but I hope I can answer your question, my exwife and I have maintained a friendship over the 30+ years we've been divorced. For many years because the divorce did not in any way lessen our duties and responsibilities as parents and we continued to be friends after the children were grown and moved away.

 

My current long term relation knows my ex, they get along and exwife is often invited to family functons such as Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners.

 

Now that my ex has hit a rough spot in her life (terminal illness) she needs any support I can give her and I offer all that I can, no matter what happened in years past she's still the mother of my children and that will never change.

 

So, to answer your question directly, there's a permanent connection there. Being friends means exactly that, nothing more.

[silktricks]

There are a few people from my past that I would like to be able to have contact with - simply because they are from my past, and to a certain extent it keeps the happy memories of those times more alive. Not necessarily the memories of times with that person, just the energy and youth of the timeframe. Like you, though, it was disconcerting to my husband for me to keep up that contact, so I have let it go. At times, though, it makes me sad.

 

Now, that said, if my husband wanted to keep up contact with a past girlfriend I would be very nervous about it, unless he was extremely open about the relationship and basically kept me "in the loop".

 

Maybe you could ask your wife in a completely non-confrontational manner how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot... maybe she could understand a little bit more then how you feel.

 

So... does that help?

[rhett89]

She married you, didn't she?

 

Indeed, she did. This is undeniable.

 

 

Does he live close by where she could meet up with him?

 

We do live nearby one another.

 

Are you sure it wasn't just a matter of getting your way after all these years?

 

I don't feel as if I've "gotten my way" because my way would be to have a clear understand of the reasoning for her wanting/needing to have any sort of a relationship with this person. To that end, I am not completely satisfied that I have those answers.

 

 

or your own insecurities from tricking her before? (not smart in my book) Are you sure you're not making more out of this than what's there?

 

It was, admittedly, not smart. More so, it was not honest, transparent or forthcoming and, therefore, completely wrong.

 

 

I'm friends on Facebook with the guy that took me to my junior prom....32 YEARS AGO! We chat every now & then. Mostly about our families. If you're so threatened why don't you friend him on FB too. After all you are her husband. That way you can see what they are talking about.

 

With due respect, is one date not different that an intimate 3-year relationship? With respect to "friending" him on FB, you're missing my point, which is coming to an understanding of WHY she wants/needs to maintain ANY contact with an ex.... If you can help me understand that, then you win the free Thanksgiving turkey!

[rhett89]

I'm not female but I hope I can answer your question, my exwife and I have maintained a friendship over the 30+ years we've been divorced. For many years because the divorce did not in any way lessen our duties and responsibilities as parents and we continued to be friends after the children were grown and moved away.

 

Now that my ex has hit a rough spot in her life (terminal illness) she needs any support I can give her and I offer all that I can, no matter what happened in years past she's still the mother of my children and that will never change.

 

So, to answer your question directly, there's a permanent connection there. Being friends means exactly that, nothing more.

 

First, I'm very sorry to hear about the terminal illness afflicting your ex.

 

I do sincerely appreciate your response, but I'd like to follow it up with a couple of questions . . .

 

You mentioned that you have children together. In that scenario, it would seem impossible not to maintain a connection with an ex. You say that she is the mother of your children, and that will never change. I completely agree. Do you not agree that without children there is really no "bond" that forces a connection to be maintained?

 

You mention a "permanent" connection as a possible reason for my wife maintaining contact . . . I'm not sure I understand why a connection with a former intimate relationship needs to be permanent . . . Can you help shed light on this?

 

One reason I ask is that I have zero contact with any exes. Why? First, there is no reason TO have contact. Second, although my wife says that she has no issue if I do have contact, in my opinion there is nothing for me (or anyone) to gain through any relationship with an ex, regardless of how insignificant it may be. Lastly, my life is fulfilled without contact with these people, primarily as a result of my relationship with my wife and hundreds of other close friends I feel blessed to have in my life.

 

Thoughts?

[martini-mae]

I don't feel as if I've "gotten my way" because my way would be to have a clear understand of the reasoning for her wanting/needing to have any sort of a relationship with this person. To that end, I am not completely satisfied that I have those answers.

 

Have you thought that maybe it's really not as big of a deal as you're making it out to be? Maybe there are no words to express the WHY'S in this situation. It's only Facebook.

 

I think a better question, why is it such a big deal to you?

 

Frankly, I don't think you'll get an answer here to your question. I think only your wife can answer it.

No disrespect to your situation intended, but maybe the fact that she hasn't come up with a profound answer to suit you .... is because there really isn't one.

[Owl]

I don't get it...if there's "no good reason" for her to stay in contact with her ex...and it clearly is causing strife in her marriage because this contact is bothering her husband...then why didn't she voluntarily end contact with her ex years ago?

 

Here's the thing...she's fought tooth and nail to maintain that contact, to make it HIS problem, and still refused to break off that contact in the face of all the conflict it's created.

 

That alone is an indicator that this contact is more important to her, a higher priority for her...than her relationship with her husband is.

 

Personally, I'd suspect that she's been harboring unresolved romantic feelings for this ex all these years. Look at the fight and tears that ending that contact created. Again, an indicator that this relationship was a LOT more (at least to her) than just a passing, occasional conversation.

 

She was clinging to it for some reason.

 

Her husband sensed that there was more to it than that, whether or not he could articulate it that well.

 

Just like most of us who have been cheated on sensed that there was something going on with our spouses...but couldn't put a finger on it. Couldn't articulate what it was specifically that was bothering us.

 

Heck, it could have been mostly subliminal clues that he wasn't even consciously picking up on...body language, voice changes, etc...

 

This communication bothered him...and the fact that she fought so hard to maintain it in the face of the conflict created by it is an indicator that there was more to it than what she claimed it to be.

 

I personally think Rhett did the right thing by insisting that contact end...and it should stay that way.

[OWoman]

I don't get it...if there's "no good reason" for her to stay in contact with her ex...and it clearly is causing strife in her marriage because this contact is bothering her husband...then why didn't she voluntarily end contact with her ex years ago?

 

Here's the thing...she's fought tooth and nail to maintain that contact, to make it HIS problem, and still refused to break off that contact in the face of all the conflict it's created.

 

That alone is an indicator that this contact is more important to her, a higher priority for her...than her relationship with her husband is.

 

Personally, I'd suspect that she's been harboring unresolved romantic feelings for this ex all these years. Look at the fight and tears that ending that contact created. Again, an indicator that this relationship was a LOT more (at least to her) than just a passing, occasional conversation.

 

She was clinging to it for some reason.

 

Her husband sensed that there was more to it than that, whether or not he could articulate it that well.

 

Just like most of us who have been cheated on sensed that there was something going on with our spouses...but couldn't put a finger on it. Couldn't articulate what it was specifically that was bothering us.

 

Heck, it could have been mostly subliminal clues that he wasn't even consciously picking up on...body language, voice changes, etc...

 

This communication bothered him...and the fact that she fought so hard to maintain it in the face of the conflict created by it is an indicator that there was more to it than what she claimed it to be.

 

I personally think Rhett did the right thing by insisting that contact end...and it should stay that way.

 

I agree that she's prioritising it over her R with her H. Perhaps she doesn't like being told who she can and can't remain friends with. If I were to find myself in an analogous position, I'd probably feel the same. I'd probably feel that my H had morphed into someone different to the man I'd thought I'd M... that he'd become some paranoid, jealous guy that I couldn't relate to anymore, and that losing him would be a smaller loss than losing my right to be who I wanted, to see who I wanted and to own all facets of my life. My integrity and independence matter far much more to me than who I wake up next to in the mornings, and perhaps she feels something similar.

 

I've counselled way too many battered women to know that the first step toward allowing yourself to lose your self-esteem to the extent that you allow some man to hit you, is allowing him to start calling the shots in your life in more "trivial" matters, like who you are or are not allowed to see, befriend or keep contact with.

[denise_xo]

This essentially crystallizes how I feel (i.e. that she is prioritizing her need to have a relationship -- regardless of whether it is active or inactive -- with someone is more important than my insecurity with that relationship). That said, there is a part of me that questions whether I am being incredibly unfair to her in that asking her to relinquish contact with someone she professes to view only as a friend is asking her to relinquish a string holding her to her deceased brother. If that is a viable explanation, then I feel like a completely a-hole for my insecurities.

 

I am particularly interested in hearing from any women here who might be able to shed light on any other reasons that my wife might be interested in maintaining a facebook friendship with an ex. I do not believe there is a physical relationship, and do not believe that she would ever cross that line, no matter what. But there is an emotional side of this that I clearly do not "get" that must be something women can decipher? Thoughts?

 

Well, I can give you a 'female' POV but I suspect that we might just have different perspectives on this. I am friends with my ex on facebook. I never really use facebook anymore, so it doesn't mean we have much contact, but we had a few 'how are you doing/ what's going on in your life' exchanges when we connected, after having not had contact for a few years. That was followed by the occasional comments to each others' wall posts. It was nice to hear from him and I was happy to hear that he was doing well, and it was nice to just get a little update on his life. He's in a relationship that he seemed happy with, I am also married. He was an important part of my life for a while, so I appreciated having that very occasional contact and knowing that he's well. I certainly have no desire whatsoever to get back with him.

 

Now, my general take on this is that it is possible in some cases to have some form of friendship with an ex. A couple of other posters have given examples of this in this thread. That doesn't mean it is always possible, or desirable, but sometimes it is. When I was with my ex, he frequently met up with one of his ex-s because they made music together. The two of us would also regularly go over to her house and have dinner with her and her husband, or the four of us would go out and do something together. It didn't bother me one single bit, because I knew that they had no romantic feelings for each other any more and I fully trusted my partner.

 

If my H had made a fuss over being friends with my ex on fb, in a situation where he had no other reason to believe that there was anything inappropriate with this relation, I would be pissed off. Why? Because I'd view it as a lack of trust. So yes, I would probably see it as the kind of insecurity that you are describing in the first post I have quoted here. Similarly, I would see it as unreasonable if I had demanded that my ex (then partner) stop producing music with his ex when we were together - i.e., it goes both ways.

 

Having said that, I'm not arguing that your perspective is 'wrong' - people view these things differently. Similar debates come up at this board regularly as to whether it's possible to have friends of the opposite sex or not. For some people it is and for others it's not - I view it more as a question of finding a compatible partner than deciding whether one position is 'right' or 'wrong'.

 

Good luck to you and your wife, I hope it works out.

[Owl]

I can see your point, Owoman.

 

But...the key problem here is that it WASN'T trivial...most especially to HER.

 

As you agreed...it was prioritized OVER their relationship.

 

That's not trivial.

 

And the 'risks' of maintaining relationships with ex's after you're married have been proven over and over ad nauseum.

 

Nor does the OP sound like he's gearing up to "throw down" with his wife, either.

 

I would say that rather than view this as him trying to "take over her life"...this is something that should have been recognized as "an issue" and a compromise or agreemant reached, rather than his fears being blown off as groundless.

 

How many threads have we seen over on 'seperation and divorce' that start out with "my wife reconnected with so-and-so on facebook"...

[OWoman]

I can see your point, Owoman.

 

But...the key problem here is that it WASN'T trivial...most especially to HER.

 

As you agreed...it was prioritized OVER their relationship.

 

That's not trivial.

 

And the 'risks' of maintaining relationships with ex's after you're married have been proven over and over ad nauseum.

 

Nor does the OP sound like he's gearing up to "throw down" with his wife, either.

 

I would say that rather than view this as him trying to "take over her life"...this is something that should have been recognized as "an issue" and a compromise or agreemant reached, rather than his fears being blown off as groundless.

 

How many threads have we seen over on 'seperation and divorce' that start out with "my wife reconnected with so-and-so on facebook"...

 

I don't disagree with you, Owl - I think THE ISSUE is very significant, whether or not the actual continued contact is or not. It matters to her, and it matters to him - and they are diametrically opposed on it. I'd say that it's an indicator of a fundamental disparity in the R - one that they need to resolve if their M is to survive, rather than one or the other backing down on it and being unhappy. They need to discuss the issues behind the issue with a good counsellor, who can hopefully guide them toward common ground or a compromise that they can both live with.

 

If someone is choosing a principle above their partner, or another person above their partner, the R is in serious danger.

[Owl]

I don't disagree with you, Owl - I think THE ISSUE is very significant, whether or not the actual continued contact is or not. It matters to her, and it matters to him - and they are diametrically opposed on it. I'd say that it's an indicator of a fundamental disparity in the R - one that they need to resolve if their M is to survive, rather than one or the other backing down on it and being unhappy. They need to discuss the issues behind the issue with a good counsellor, who can hopefully guide them toward common ground or a compromise that they can both live with.

 

If someone is choosing a principle above their partner, or another person above their partner, the R is in serious danger.

 

Here...we can agree!

[YellowShark]

Early in our relationship, she continued to maintain contact with said ex-boyfriend, exchanging birthday cards, periodic phone calls, etc. I expressed my displeasure, which was met less than enthusiastically. She insisted it was strictly platonic and that I "needed to get over it."

I attempted (on several occasions) to query my wife (after our marriage) about this very topic (why there was ANY need to maintain ANY contact with an ex). Her response(s) always came back to the same basic answer: "Get over yourself. We're married. What do you think is going on?"

Recently, the topic came up again . . . and, again, I expressed displeasure and confusion about why she finds it necessary to be facebook friends with her ex. Her response was the same as it has been for over 10 years. Instead of letting it go, I pressed for an answer and the discussion escalated to an argument.

Here's the thing...she's fought tooth and nail to maintain that contact, to make it HIS problem, and still refused to break off that contact in the face of all the conflict it's created.

 

Which would make me uncomfortable that my wife has my back 100%. The lack of compromise would alarm me.

 

If someone is choosing a principle above their partner, or another person above their partner, the R is in serious danger.

 

Definitely some counseling to mediate this issue in your marriage rhett89. Certainly a middle ground can be found.

Edited November 9, 2010 by YellowShark

[blueroses10]

I am particularly interested in hearing from any women here who might be able to shed light on any other reasons that my wife might be interested in maintaining a facebook friendship with an ex. I do not believe there is a physical relationship, and do not believe that she would ever cross that line, no matter what. But there is an emotional side of this that I clearly do not "get" that must be something women can decipher? Thoughts?

 

I believe it would be the same reason that you maintain contact with classmates, old family friends, college friends, etc. The person was an important part of her life and her family's life.

 

However, if you both can't agree to having contact with the person, therein lies the problem. Also, you said you didn't find the guy threatening or find that they corresponded in an inappropriate fashion.

[rhett89]

Maybe you could ask your wife in a completely non-confrontational manner how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot... maybe she could understand a little bit more then how you feel.

 

So... does that help?

 

Thank you. I appreciate your insight.

 

In my situation, the other foot is that she would need to be uncomfortable with a similar situation. While I've tried to broach the subject, her response is always the same: "I wouldn't be uncomfortable, so neither should you."

 

I don't think I'm making progress down that avenue. Thoughts?

[rhett89]

Have you thought that maybe it's really not as big of a deal as you're making it out to be? Maybe there are no words to express the WHY'S in this situation. It's only Facebook.

 

I've contemplated that for a decade. Regrettably, I still come back to the same thing: my feelings are real, and I'm uncomfortable. Either I deny the truth to myself, or I admit the truth to her. I prefer living the truth. Maybe that's hardline, but I'm trying to be sincere here so that I can make progress with this issue . . .

 

 

 

I think a better question, why is it such a big deal to you?

 

You know, that's a REALLY good question. To be honest, I think it is two things:

* Insecurity with myself (i.e. wondering why there would need to be any relationship of any sort with any old flames if she has found "happiness"); and

 

* Because she has been SO reluctant to sever the relationship over the years. To be clear, this issue has only come up a handful of times in the 15 years we've been together, but it continues to come up because it's never resolved.

 

 

 

Frankly, I don't think you'll get an answer here to your question. I think only your wife can answer it.

 

No truer words have probably ever been spoken. What I seek here, admittedly, is speculation, insight and understanding, not answers.

 

 

No disrespect to your situation intended, but maybe the fact that she hasn't come up with a profound answer to suit you .... is because there really isn't one.

 

I believe there is an answer for everything that has intent. Her befriending him on facebook had intent, it was not circumstantial. Her deciding not to completely cut off communication has intent. There is reason where there is intent, in my humble opinion.

 

I DO very much appreciate your perspective. I swear to God that this discussion with you is VERY similar to those wife my W. Thank you for engaging.

[rhett89]

Perhaps she doesn't like being told who she can and can't remain friends with.

 

 

To be clear, the foundation of the discussion between my W and myself is not whom she can be friends with, but specifically WHY she must remain friends with this person.