Don't Know what to make of this situation....

[Clueless_about_girls]

Hey everyone, I really need help with this situation involving a girl. One thing to note: I have never actually dated anyone or had a gf, sooo I'm pretty clueless. Also, this is kinda long, and soo I apologize... Also thank you SOOO much for reading this and helping!

 

So in the summer, my roommates and I were subleasing one of the rooms. This girl decided that she wanted to stay, and was cool with staying with guys. So, essentially what happened was that we started talking at home, and she seemed like a really awesome person. I started to like her and all.

 

One day, we discover we have the same taste in music, the next day she invites me to a concert with her and her friend. I told her I'd go, and she said she would meet me there. She said that she was going to get dinner with her friend first, and then we should meet up there. I didn't know what to make of this.

 

Anyways, I actually had an emergency where I couldn't make it to the concert. Later, it turns out her 21st bday is coming up. She invites me to bars for her birthday with her friends, but I wasn't 21 yet so I couldn't go. One thing to note is that she invited only me to both the concert and her birthday, without inviting the two other roommates.

 

Anyways, halfway through the summer, my friend and I move out of our old place, and into a new one. She immediately asks for my number while I'm leaving, so I guess that's a good sign. One day, my friends and I were going to dinner, and they (knowing I like her) told me to invite her. I do, but she says she is busy (I called like 20 minutes before we were leaving so probably a bad idea).

 

I call her again when we're all going out for dinner, and she says she's busy (again like 20 minutes before leaving). Anyways, 3 days after that, she texts me, and is like: sorry for not coming out then. We should totally hang out this week. So we decide to meet up on Wednesday. I text her, and am like: how about we get dinner and watch Toy Story 3D, since we hadn't watched it yet.

 

She tells me that she needs to get up early (she does get up at 6 AM everyday), and probably wouldn't be able to catch the movie at like 9:00 PM. I ask if she wants to eat at a sit down place, and she says that she went to that place just recently. She instead suggests another place, and says that we should get some takeout, and walk back to my place (this is a college campus so everything is pretty close). I interpreted this as her not wanting to make "hanging out" more date like, and wanted to keep it between friends. So we get back to my place, we watch TV, its pretty fun, and when leaving she says she had a lot of fun.

 

4-5 days afterwards, I text her asking if she wanted to watch star wars with me (she had never seen the movies), and she said sure. We watched the movie, and we kinda just talked about a lot of stuff. I didn't make a move (both cuz I'm a pussy and because I wasn't sure what she felt). So, she is like, we totally need to watch the next one too. However, she has to move out in like 3 days, and so there wasn't any time too.

 

The day she moved out, I went to my old place, and wanted to just say goodbye. Anyways, she is like, sorry we couldn't hang out again, but we should totally hang out when I come back (she is doing study abroad currently). Anyways, I considered it a lost cause at that point, and was just like: well i'm getting a new phone soon with a new number (I was), and I don't know how I could contact you about it. She tells me to hit her up on Facebook which I do.

 

ANyways, she is coming back to my college soon, and I just wanted to ask you guys if I should pursue her or not. Like yes she invited me out a lot, but not to any intimate date like things. Also, we have never touched (I am very uncomfortable touching people and I have never broken the touch barrier with her). Also, when we hung out at my place, she sat on the other side of the sofa, which got me thinking she wanted to protect her personal space.

 

But she gave other signs she liked me, like tons of eye contact, tons of smiling, leaning in towards me while talking, and somewhat mimicking my behavior. Also, when she was moving out, she said: I would hug you but I'm too sweaty from moving out. Sooo I was thinking, what does that even mean? Does she just not want to touch me and is making an excuse, or was she just saying she would be cool with touching me? THanks again very much!

[TouchedByViolet]

I'm pretty clueless.

 

Yes, yes you are. But good thing you posted here, knowledge is coming your way young grasshoper.

 

 

 

(both cuz I'm a pussy and because I wasn't sure what she felt).

 

 

It is time to man the %$ up!

 

(I am very uncomfortable touching people and I have never broken the touch barrier with her)

 

Now is the time to change.

 

Reading your post you made many many errors. BUT it is OK because you can learn from them.

 

If you like a girl you MUST be physical to some degree. Whether its touching her hand, putting your arm around her ANYTHING respectful that will let her know you are interested. If you do not you are in danger of the friend zone. Once she shows you she is interested you must be the man and initiate a kiss. All this may seem overwhelming since you have no experience but stick to it like a game plan and everything will be ok. When in doubt be a MAN.

[Clueless_about_girls]

Yes, yes you are. But good thing you posted here, knowledge is coming your way young grasshoper.

 

 

 

 

It is time to man the %$ up!

 

 

 

Now is the time to change.

 

Reading your post you made many many errors. BUT it is OK because you can learn from them.

 

If you like a girl you MUST be physical to some degree. Whether its touching her hand, putting your arm around her ANYTHING respectful that will let her know you are interested. If you do not you are in danger of the friend zone. Once she shows you she is interested you must be the man and initiate a kiss. All this may seem overwhelming since you have no experience but stick to it like a game plan and everything will be ok. When in doubt be a MAN.

 

 

thank you so much for replying .

 

Anyways, I understand the whole thing about being physical. I just can't do it. It's so much harder to do than it is to read about it obviously. I know it's something I have to work on, not just for relationships, but being more open to people in general.

 

Also, do you think she showed signs of interest before, and I was just interpreting them wrong? In that case, do you think I messed up any chance I had with her?

[welikeincrowds]

Look, so based on your story, I don't know how romantically she considers you right now.

 

But that's OK, because it's never about what she thinks. You tell her how to think of you, as you do with anyone you meet whether you realize it or not. That's why you need to ask out on dates, be physical, etc. -- because you're half the dynamic, which makes you halfway responsible for how it unfolds.

 

And then you just keep moving forward until you hit a wall. The reason you do this is because you can't always predict with signals. You sat on the opposite side of the couch too, right? Think about that. Sometimes you just have to find out.

 

She's coming back from studying abroad, so you have an opportunity to be a lot more straightforward about your intentions. "I want to take you out to dinner." If she declines, or won't let you pay, etc., then there's your answer. "Let's get a drink." Kiss her. It's just that simple.

 

Anyways, I understand the whole thing about being physical. I just can't do it. It's so much harder to do than it is to read about it obviously.

For some people. Perhaps you weren't cuddled a lot as a kid? It's OK, because now you're an adult and you can make your own choices.

 

I remember once while I was learning how to get rid of my social fears, I was at a party where I didn't know a lot of people (which, of course, is typical of parties). I saw a group of people talking to each other by a couch and chairs, and there was one open seat. I was scared just by looking at it, but I kept remember my aunt telling me "You have to put yourself in uncomfortable situations. You have to put yourself in uncomfortable situations." So I literally thrust myself onto the couch. Physically, just forced myself. And then, when the conversation turned out to be boring (which, of course, is typical of parties), I said "****, I can do this!" and now I'm a goddamn butterfly.

 

You need to take these risks -- it's the only way to know. As they say "jump in." Yes, it is exactly like that, like jumping into a chilly pool. It never gets any less chilly. You just get less afraid, because you are familiar; you know that after that initial shock, it will warm up and feel really good. And after a while you will realize that you kinda do like the excitement of that initial shock after all.

 

You're going to have her head against your chest, or her hand in yours, and you're going to be kissing, and all the while you're going to be thinking "Jesus, what the **** was I waiting for?"

 

For the record, you're the first person that I've heard interpret "Let's just go back to your place" negatively.

[TouchedByViolet]

Great advice welikeincrowds.

 

Also, do you think she showed signs of interest before, and I was just interpreting them wrong? In that case, do you think I messed up any chance I had with her?

 

Yes I think she showed signs and yes I think you interpreted some incorrectly and others you simply didn't act on. Yes there is a chance but the only way you will know is if you act.

 

When the opportunity presents itself, invite her to dinner or some other date situation. Keep it 1v1. When walking hold her hand. If she feels cold outside put your arm around her etc. Just practice bring physical. Look around at other pairs/couples walking in the street and adopt ideas.

 

Also, try little steps everyday when it comes to being physical with friends. Like giving your friends (guys and girl) high fives or fist bumps when they do something awesome.

[Clueless_about_girls]

thanks for the help guys. Oddly enough, you guys made me feel better about the whole situation, while also helping me realize I need more confidence and plan it out better.

 

@welikeincrowds: actually I have a problem with touch because I was spanked a lot as a kid. So a word of advice to people on these boards: please don't spank your kids. I mean, I hold nothing against my parents for it, because they're indian and that's how they were disciplined.

 

But it can go wrong a lot of times. When I was young, when someone touched me, I would sometimes respond violently (like pushing them). Nowadays, I am a lot better about it, but I still feel uncomfortable.