Conflicting views on alcohol in a relationship - can it work?

[essiesoff]

Hi everyone...

 

I am 25 and my boyfriend is 36. Normally that alone would pose a problem for a lot of people but, when we started dating 2.5 years ago, we had already become best friends and the age difference has never really been that big of a deal.

 

What is a big deal is our conflicting views on alcohol. I grew up in a family where my parents rarely drank and it was never something any of us cared much for or needed in order to have a good time. I personally don't mind the taste of alcohol but, even if I am out drinking, I almost always limit it to just a few drinks and then I'm done. I don't mind drinking to relax a little bit and get a little bit goofy for a minute, but anything beyond that is strange to me since I don't like the way being really drunk feels.

 

My boyfriend is a really intelligent, well-read, resourceful and kind person. I have a great deal of respect for him because he has no desire to change who I am and he accepts me for who I am...

 

The problem is that, although I love who he is when he is sober, I don't love that he drinks so much. I have met his family and his friends and they all drink just as much...so I have begun to feel like an outsider. For them, drinking is a celebratory thing. None of them get angry or mean when they are drunk...if anything they just get happy, more expressive, and loud. However, for me, I just can't understand why it's necessary and I wish they could feel close and happy without it. I guess I just wish that I could go out with his family and friends and not feel the need to get really drunk. Or not feel like I'm being a 'bummer' if I don't want to drink.

 

He and I have talked about this before and he doesn't understand why it bothers me so much since nothing 'bad' has ever happened while he's been drinking and, for him and his family, alcohol is associated with happy things (get-togethers, reunions) and is not used as a way to fight depression.

 

I guess I associate alcohol with negative things anyway...since I have been hurt emotionally by drinkers in the past. And I have seen the way alcohol can change people.

 

Has anyone else been in this situation before? Is there a way to make it work, or is there a different way to approach things? Should I just lighten up and not let it bother me so much? (Easier said than done). Thanks for any advice you might have!

[D-Jam]

In my opinion, there is no way to make this work.

 

Maybe you two will click as friends, but any further and you'll be constantly conflicting with him on this issue.

 

I've known many women who complain how their boyfriends can't seem to have a social drink and instead always want to get sloshed. The end result most of the time is they break up.

 

It's like I said in the high maintenance post...you have to see the person as he really is and accept him or reject him like that. If he likes to get plowed when he drinks, then this won't change, and you won't change him.

 

If you want a guy who doesn't drink then find one who doesn't drink.

[alexlakeman]

You don't like drinking as much, you'll make his life miserable and make him drink more; just go away and leave him alone... I was in his shoes with my ex for four years who didn't drink... she was never on the same page when we were out partying...

[TheMENemy]

You are dating a man who has an alcohol dependency if not abuse problem and his family is full of other abusers, dependents, co-dependents, and mutual enablers.

 

You will never win this battle, you're young, it will hurt, but find someone who holds you in higher esteem than he does the whisky bottle.

[make me believe]

I think you need to find a guy who doesn't drink. From what I have experienced and witnessed, in a relationship where the people have different views on alcohol, the non-drinker is constantly monitoring the drinker and having issues with how much they're drinking & how often they're drinking, even when they are NOT abusing alcohol and are just drinking in a happy social setting like your BF is.

 

Honestly, you sound a bit too uptight about this. It's ok for you not to drink, but you're projecting your issues with alcohol onto your BF and his family. It doesn't sound like he or his family is abusing alcohol.. they just like to have a few drinks at celebratory family gatherings! My family does the same thing and we aren't raging alcoholics. I mean, come on. Your boyfriend isn't going home every night and downing a 12-pack, is he? He's having a few drinks at a family celebration! If you can't handle that without judging & bothering him about it, you just need to accept that he isn't the guy for you & find somebody with similar beliefs about alcohol.

[TheMENemy]

See what I mean, OP?

 

People love their drinkie-winkies.

[sugarmomma]

"I have a great deal of respect for him because he has no desire to change who I am and he accepts me for who I am..."

 

If you can't accept him for who he is, leave him alone.

 

How often does he drink??

[carhill]

My parents never had alcohol in the house nor drank. I remember my mom, when I was still living at home after becoming 'legal', keeping beer in the fridge in case I 'wanted some' while working outside.

 

I didn't really start drinking until I got married

 

Seriously, in the last year, I've seen alcoholism tear apart two marriages near and dear to me, marriages of 20+ years, and the alcoholics are women. Alcohol has also been the impetus for inappropriate behaviors from those women towards myself. Alcohol is nothing to take lightly, IMO.

 

Has your boyfriend ever operated a motor vehicle while intoxicated? Good question to ask.

 

Given the disparity of your perspectives, combined with your past negative experiences, this might be a dealbreaker. I might feel differently if he made sincere efforts to support your choices regarding drinking and facilitate your participation in events.

 

Some of my friends are like his family and what I might do is make up a gin and tonic and then just keep adding tonic water and enjoy the goings-on, or I might line up my beer bottles and stop at three. 'That's it for me' when asked if I want another. True friends and/or family will respect that, even if they choose differently.

 

My exW and I lined up pretty good on the alcohol front. We both knew when enough was enough and traded designated driver responsibilities. I'd probably become equally frustrated with a woman who drank all the time and one who was a teetotaler.

 

You have a decision to make, and it's not an easy one. Relationships are about accepting the totality of each other and making compromises on issues of importance. I hope you can reach a healthy decision.

[essiesoff]

Carhill, thanks for your reply. I think the hardest part about this for me is that the main problem we have is this alcohol situation. In general, thank you for acknowledging what a difficult decision this might be. This man is my best friend, my rock and my partner. To 'kick him to the curb' or 'leave him alone' (as some of the other posters suggested) is not an option because I love him and I respect him. If we break up due to this "dealbreaker" it will hurt us both. I guess the whole thing doesn't make much sense to me. I believe in working through problems and hitting this roadbloack is very hard.

 

Did you find it a strange adjustment after growing up in a house where alcohol was basically non-existant? I think part of my problem is that I grew up totally without it and never really had to learn how to "deal" with it as something I am going to encounter throughout my life (in social and work settings, too). Any thoughts on that?

[carhill]

Most of my friends and racing colleagues drank. It was common back in the 80's, as were drugs. I just learned to socialize without the 'kicker' of mind altering substances. It didn't bother me. I tend to relate to people as they are and go with the flow. Over time, I came to not notice other's drinking at all. It was only with the crackdown on drinking and driving where it started to become noticeable again because I was tasked to be 'designated driver' since everyone knew I didn't drink. By the time I met my exW I had begun to drink a little bit socially but never had alcohol in the house except for parties. Now I can take it or leave it.

 

As I mentioned prior, being around friends who are alcoholics is significant and does wear on me, as I'm sure it would anyone. The barometer I use is if they are always looking for something to celebrate and have a 'party' and those parties always include binge drinking, then there's a high possibility that a number of the participants drink to excess and are possibly alcoholics. They can function just fine, work, socialize and be good spouses and parents, but there's just 'something' going on.

 

The way I deal with it now is accept them for how they treat me, which generally has been good, and pay attention to health and safety issues when they're drinking. I've talked with family members when I suspect someone is 'in trouble'. It's really not my place to intervene.

 

I wish I had a brilliantly simple answer for this but I don't. It's a tough call. Hope you can work through it. We have some recovering alcoholics here on LS who can likely give you more insight than I can. Hope they look in. Good luck

[lenny]

I can understand how this can be a quandry for you. Not to be all pro alcoholism or anything but there's such a stigma against drinking that for someone that hasn't really been exposed to alcohol this can be confusing.

 

From the details presented in your post, to me your man and his family are not displaying alcoholic behaviour. The family seems to include alcohol for special occasions and do not seem to abuse it. They don't completely change personalities, get violent and roudy or anything. AA defines an alcoholic as someone who abuses alcohol, consumes alcohol because they physically or emotionally need to, loses control under the influence, and denies they have a problem.

 

The opposite of you, I grew up in an unhealthy alcoholic environment and for quite a period of time when I was younger was quite anti-alcohol everything (and against anyone who drank ... period!). Due to the prevalance of alcohol in our society, I had a difficult time sorting out this issue myself. I learnt over time not to be so against it and that when someone has enough respect for it's effects, themselves and others around them, it's not something for me to be worried about.

 

This does not mean if you are uncomfortable you should suck it up and join them either. A couple things I learnt when I was against alcohol was to never be the babysitter (this was one of the thing I absolutely couldn't stand), and when the evening progresses and everyone starts getting loud and repeating the same stories again and again - just excuse yourself for the rest of the evening.

 

I have now gotten to a point where I am comfortable socially drinking and have learnt the different between this and being an alcoholic. IMHO, if he's not needing to have a few beers (or whatever) after work everyday when he gets home, not making a beeline for alcohol when some kind of snag happens in his world, and not doing a Dr Jekyl, Mr Hyde when he does have a couple, there's no reason to worry about his drinking.

[essiesoff]

Thanks, Lenny. Like I said in my last post, I am a firm believer in trying to sort through problems and differences in relationships. I don't want to just "quit" because it's hard. I want to know I did everything I could to communicate my feelings and try to work things out before I call it quits. That's only fair.

 

Your perspective means a lot to me because I have a hard time figuring out the line between a positive and a negative relationship with alcohol. I understand 100% that alcohol is an important (and prevalent) aspect of our culture (many cultures...) and it doesn't always have to be a negative thing. For me it's just about defining that line. What exactly constitutes a negative relationship with alcohol?

 

If when they get together my boyfriend and his family want to drink until the wee hours of the morning talking and telling stories and being loud...I don't necessarily know for sure if that's such a negative thing. Part of it is that I do get really tired of it after a certain hour and maybe I should just get used to turning in early and excusing myself after I've had enough.

 

Because of my past experiences with drinkers I have a hard time trusting people when they are around alcohol, and that is the hardest thing for me to deal with. Even though my boyfriend hasn't proven himself to be untrustworthy, I still can't help but think that eventually it will harm me again like it has in the past with different people. So I guess if I can't get over those fears of mine, then I really won't be able to make it work. And if one day I wake up and I'm just ready to call it quits, then I will.

 

Until then, thanks for offering me some perspective.