One day of insanity at a time...

[debtman]

My wife and I have been married for 6 years and together for 10. We have two kids, 6 and 4. She was separated from her first husband when we met and our relationship progressed very quickly. I've always been very social and have lots of hobbies and we had issues about me going out too much and spending too much time with my friends, but I just thought those were "normal" relationship issues. Two years ago, she found out that I had been lying to her about $40k of credit card debt and she was ready to leave me. I spent the next 8 months going to debt counseling, working lots of freelance jobs, selling off things I didn't need, and putting every dollar I made towards the debt. After 8 months, she told me that she could see I was determined to fix my financial problem and, if I could stay focused on that and make some other changes, we could give the marriage another try. I cut back on my activities and hobbies, spent much less time seeing my friends and more time at home. I help out around the house with dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc., spend lots of time watching the kids and playing with them while she works (she has a home business) but, there are still trust and intimacy issues as a result of lying about the debt.

Anyway, it's been 2 years now, I'm still going strong on the debt and have about $15k left on that. I thought our relationship was going better until a month ago when she said she met a guy online through a biking site and wanted me to meet him at my volleyball group to see if he seemed like a creep or not. We played volleyball and he seemed like a nice guy, so, I told her I was fine with her going biking or doing things with him. I've always encouraged her to go out and get involved, make friends in the area, etc. so I thought it was a good idea.

After going out to dinner with him a few times, she told me she wanted to get divorced, our relationship had gone past the point of being "fixable" and it had nothing to do with her new friend, she had just finally decided that she was done trying to change me and it wasn't fair to either of us or the kids since they would benefit from being in a house with a happy couple. So, we spent the last month living together while she would go out to spend time with her new friend in his apartment 2-3 nights/week until 2-3 am while I stayed home with the kids.

Last weekend I moved in with my parents just to get out of the house, I told her that I was going to stop playing volleyball with that group if he was going to continue to go and she asked him to stop playing with the group for now, which made that easier. I've been going over to the house every night to help put the kids to bed and they're coming to spend the weekend with me while she goes away with the new guy on a trip. It's difficult because I can see her getting ready for the new guy to come over each evening after I go.

I have BIG emotional ups and downs. I'm so grateful that I have such a wonderful group of friends and family who support me and who I can vent to. I'm trying to be as civil as possible with her because I don't want to make this a big nasty fight and, we're hoping to be able to settle things through mediation instead of having to involve lawyers because big legal fees will only hurt the kids and we're trying to stay focused on them.

We're very close with our neighbors and I've been very careful about what I'm saying to who so that there's as little animosity towards her as possible, but part of me wants to let people know how crazy the whole situation is.

She keeps asking me, whenever I'm over there, if there's anything I want to talk with her about, or anything new that's come up, and that she just wants to make this as easy as possible on me and that we need to keep the lines of communication open and I want to let her know how painful it is for me to see her getting so close to this guy so quickly. But, I don't think it will help the situation for me to tell her anything and I think I should just keep things with her very "surface" and not tell other people (other than my close friends & family who already know) about what's going on and I just need to start focusing on myself, figuring what's next for me, let her go and spend as much time with the kids as I can.

Between the debt payment and child support, I won't be able to afford to get my own place for at least another 6-8 months so will probably stay with my parents during that time. It's difficult to deal with the fact that 2 months ago, I had a wife, kids, house, dog, cat, etc. and now I'm living with my parents and seeing the kids a few nights a week and on weekends.

Not sure what I'm asking, but, if anyone has any perspective, advice, insight, etc. I'd love to hear it...

Thanks!

[HopelessinDTW]

My wife and I have been married for 6 years and together for 10. We have two kids, 6 and 4. She was separated from her first husband when we met and our relationship progressed very quickly. I've always been very social and have lots of hobbies and we had issues about me going out too much and spending too much time with my friends, but I just thought those were "normal" relationship issues. Two years ago, she found out that I had been lying to her about $40k of credit card debt and she was ready to leave me. I spent the next 8 months going to debt counseling, working lots of freelance jobs, selling off things I didn't need, and putting every dollar I made towards the debt. After 8 months, she told me that she could see I was determined to fix my financial problem and, if I could stay focused on that and make some other changes, we could give the marriage another try. I cut back on my activities and hobbies, spent much less time seeing my friends and more time at home. I help out around the house with dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc., spend lots of time watching the kids and playing with them while she works (she has a home business) but, there are still trust and intimacy issues as a result of lying about the debt.

Anyway, it's been 2 years now, I'm still going strong on the debt and have about $15k left on that. I thought our relationship was going better until a month ago when she said she met a guy online through a biking site and wanted me to meet him at my volleyball group to see if he seemed like a creep or not. We played volleyball and he seemed like a nice guy, so, I told her I was fine with her going biking or doing things with him. I've always encouraged her to go out and get involved, make friends in the area, etc. so I thought it was a good idea.

After going out to dinner with him a few times, she told me she wanted to get divorced, our relationship had gone past the point of being "fixable" and it had nothing to do with her new friend, she had just finally decided that she was done trying to change me and it wasn't fair to either of us or the kids since they would benefit from being in a house with a happy couple. So, we spent the last month living together while she would go out to spend time with her new friend in his apartment 2-3 nights/week until 2-3 am while I stayed home with the kids.

Last weekend I moved in with my parents just to get out of the house, I told her that I was going to stop playing volleyball with that group if he was going to continue to go and she asked him to stop playing with the group for now, which made that easier. I've been going over to the house every night to help put the kids to bed and they're coming to spend the weekend with me while she goes away with the new guy on a trip. It's difficult because I can see her getting ready for the new guy to come over each evening after I go.

I have BIG emotional ups and downs. I'm so grateful that I have such a wonderful group of friends and family who support me and who I can vent to. I'm trying to be as civil as possible with her because I don't want to make this a big nasty fight and, we're hoping to be able to settle things through mediation instead of having to involve lawyers because big legal fees will only hurt the kids and we're trying to stay focused on them.

We're very close with our neighbors and I've been very careful about what I'm saying to who so that there's as little animosity towards her as possible, but part of me wants to let people know how crazy the whole situation is.

She keeps asking me, whenever I'm over there, if there's anything I want to talk with her about, or anything new that's come up, and that she just wants to make this as easy as possible on me and that we need to keep the lines of communication open and I want to let her know how painful it is for me to see her getting so close to this guy so quickly. But, I don't think it will help the situation for me to tell her anything and I think I should just keep things with her very "surface" and not tell other people (other than my close friends & family who already know) about what's going on and I just need to start focusing on myself, figuring what's next for me, let her go and spend as much time with the kids as I can.

Between the debt payment and child support, I won't be able to afford to get my own place for at least another 6-8 months so will probably stay with my parents during that time. It's difficult to deal with the fact that 2 months ago, I had a wife, kids, house, dog, cat, etc. and now I'm living with my parents and seeing the kids a few nights a week and on weekends.

Not sure what I'm asking, but, if anyone has any perspective, advice, insight, etc. I'd love to hear it...

Thanks!

Your right this is "insanity"... Your stbx is a real piece of work, and you just let her walk over you. When she told you it was over and she wanted a divorce, you should have told her to pack her s**t and leave...she's dating while you're living in the same house! she f**ckin some guy while you're watching the kids...Can you please read your post and tell us where any of this makes any sense. You need to stop this crap, stop being a doormat. If she wants to be with another man, then tell her to pack her crap and leave. She can visit the kids. You stay in the house! Why did you leave in the first place?? Have little contact with her, only about the kids. She's in lala land with her new guy, and you have helped her have this fairy tale.

[2sure]

Well, I have to say...you sound like you have your head on pretty straight to me. Anyone who can clean up 40K in credit card debt to 15K while supporting a family is...a pretty motivated and smart guy. You f'd up for sure, but you have not only paid it down - you have changed your bad habits as well. You have nothing but blue sky coming your way if you just keep focused. So, thats exciting.

 

You are right to make a real effort to keep things amicable with your soon to be ex wife...how you handle this is going to be important to your children. And remember, its only going to get harder for example when the divorce comes through, the custody rules, or when the new guy lives with your children....but just keep doing what your doing and all of that will not only pass...but your attitude will become one your kids look to and count on.

 

Your wife, by the way is just being nice to you so that she can get away with her absolutely unjustifiably monstrous behavior and not be the bad guy or feel guilty. Dont take that on and dont let her not.

[Crimson107]

NO doubt- 40k down to 15k in 8 months. That sounds good.

 

You met the volley ball guy first and let them hang out and now it upsets you? Sounds like you tried the swinging thing but got burned from it. I feel like a doormat often too and feel for you if that's what your feeling. Try to stand up for yourself like you did to your debt.

[iheartboobs]

Your right this is "insanity"... Your stbx is a real piece of work, and you just let her walk over you. When she told you it was over and she wanted a divorce, you should have told her to pack her s**t and leave...she's dating while you're living in the same house! she f**ckin some guy while you're watching the kids...Can you please read your post and tell us where any of this makes any sense. You need to stop this crap, stop being a doormat. If she wants to be with another man, then tell her to pack her crap and leave. She can visit the kids. You stay in the house! Why did you leave in the first place?? Have little contact with her, only about the kids. She's in lala land with her new guy, and you have helped her have this fairy tale.

 

I'd like to second the motion to **** that bitch if it so pleases the forum.

 

All those in favor?

 

It sounds like she's doing with this new guy exactly what she did with you when you first met her... separated, but not divorced, and moving right into another relationship which progresses very quickly. That's just who she is and I don't think you're going to change her.

 

I know you don't want to hear this, but I think you're probably better off without her. It sucks and it hurts and you probably don't see it right now, but she sounds like a real piece of ****. Believe me, I know what it's like to overlook someone's flaws because you just love them so much. When my ex wife left, family and friends told me things about her that I couldn't believe, ways she'd acted right in front of me that I never saw. When I was with her I thought she was the most sane, giving, loving person in the world... after she left I got some perspective and realized she was selfish, had some serious psychological problems, and was probably incapable of feeling real love because of all her trust issues. I realized I deserved better, and if you can get away from her and get some perspective, I think you'll realize the same thing.

 

As far as what you need to do right now... get away. Work out a way for you to see your kids without having to see her. She's lying to you. A marriage doesn't go from fine to unfixable in a month. A married woman doesn't go on dates and stay over at her male friend's place just to chat about biking. She's having an affair. This woman is suppose to love you and she's trading you in for something new and exciting. You don't do that to someone you love.

 

She tells you she wants to make this divorce as easy as possible for you. Bull****. What she wants is for you to make it as easy and guilt-free as possible for her. She'll tell you that it has nothing to do with the new man. Bull****. It has everything to do with the new man. She'll tell you she loves you but that "things" just "happened" and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Bull****. "Things" don't just "happen", and no one who really loved someone would treat you like she has.

 

She lies to you and disrespects you and you're falling for her lies. Quit it! Aren't you pissed off? You deserve to be pissed off. Hell, I think you need to be pissed off in this situation. Go home. Kick her ass out. If she won't leave peacefully, the next time she goes on a date, change the locks and throw her **** on the lawn. At the very least go get your children, it's not healthy for them to see some random guy come over every night to slam mommy. Get pissed off! You changed for her, made yourself a better man for her, don't you deserve the same? After everything you've done for her she throws you away at the first opportunity. **** that bitch!

[YellowShark]

I thought our relationship was going better until a month ago when she said she met a guy online through a biking site and wanted me to meet him at my volleyball group to see if he seemed like a creep or not.

 

Huh? That is insane. She wanted you to vett a potential affair partner? That's just wrong.

 

We played volleyball and he seemed like a nice guy, so, I told her I was fine with her going biking or doing things with him. I've always encouraged her to go out and get involved, make friends in the area, etc. so I thought it was a good idea.

 

It wasn't.

 

After going out to dinner with him a few times, she told me she wanted to get divorced, our relationship had gone past the point of being "fixable" and it had nothing to do with her new friend, she had just finally decided that she was done trying to change me...

 

Ha! What a load of crap. It has EVERYTHING to do with "her new friend."

 

So, we spent the last month living together while she would go out to spend time with her new friend in his apartment 2-3 nights/week until 2-3 am while I stayed home with the kids.

 

Guess they were biking and playing volleyball till 2-3am.

 

It's difficult to deal with the fact that 2 months ago, I had a wife, kids, house, dog, cat, etc. and now I'm living with my parents and seeing the kids a few nights a week and on weekends. Not sure what I'm asking, but, if anyone has any perspective, advice, insight, etc. I'd love to hear it... Thanks!

 

If it's over and there is no hope of reconciliation then you have to accept it is over. It hurts, it's sad, but there it is. This guy she met online is really her affair partner debtman, and sadly you facilitated their relationship by meeting him at your volleyball group and giving him the thumbs up.

 

I wish you all the best in this tough time.

[health]

They say you never leave one person for another.

 

You took her bait - as a rebound - years later this happens.

 

My ex rebounded 3 days after our break.

 

I started dating a girl - found out she just got out of a 5 year - and ended it

now she talks to her ex. These women are scadelous.

 

You did great by changing - for you. Keep growing.

 

This is why I'm scared of having kids - to be tied to someone like that would be sickening to me.

 

Do your thing and have fun. Grow, be there for your kids.

[hopesndreams]

 

It sounds like she's doing with this new guy exactly what she did with you when you first met her... separated, but not divorced, and moving right into another relationship which progresses very quickly. That's just who she is and I don't think you're going to change her.

 

 

As far as what you need to do right now... get away. Work out a way for you to see your kids without having to see her. She's lying to you. A marriage doesn't go from fine to unfixable in a month. A married woman doesn't go on dates and stay over at her male friend's place just to chat about biking. She's having an affair. This woman is suppose to love you and she's trading you in for something new and exciting. You don't do that to someone you love.

She tells you she wants to make this divorce as easy as possible for you. Bull****. What she wants is for you to make it as easy and guilt-free as possible for her. She'll tell you that it has nothing to do with the new man. Bull****. It has everything to do with the new man. She'll tell you she loves you but that "things" just "happened" and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Bull****. "Things" don't just "happen", and no one who really loved someone would treat you like she has.

 

She lies to you and disrespects you and you're falling for her lies. Quit it! Aren't you pissed off? You deserve to be pissed off. Hell, I think you need to be pissed off in this situation. Go home. Kick her ass out. If she won't leave peacefully, the next time she goes on a date, change the locks and throw her **** on the lawn. At the very least go get your children, it's not healthy for them to see some random guy come over every night to slam mommy. Get pissed off! You changed for her, made yourself a better man for her, don't you deserve the same? After everything you've done for her she throws you away at the first opportunity. **** that bitch!

 

I really do agree with this posting 100%! The truth hurts but far better to know what is really going on than being in the dark eh?

 

Quit being the nice guy. It isn't doing you any favors. Time to fight! Get back into your house if at all possible. Do not abandon your kids! The courts do not look favorably on this. You play your cards right and you could get sole custody. Why should a low-down cheater have it all, a brand new fella to share her bed with AND help raise your children while you have been and ARE being emotionally abused by her and then end up living with your parents? It makes me , doesn't it you?

 

Your self-esteem is rock bottom right now. Take the control away from her. Do what is best for you and your kids.

[goingstrong]

Debtman it sounds like the guy needs to eat some teeth...and then he can have her.

[debtman]

Thanks for all the advice and perspective. Sounds like what I'm doing is pretty much on track. Except for the punching the guy out. Believe me, I'd like to, but, I know that will only make things worse.

 

I moved into my parents place last week and it's nice being out of the house and away from the insanity. I went over there every night last week to help put the kids to bed and left right afterward.

 

She went on a 4-day trip with him this weekend to go see a football game and go out drinking with his old college buddies (both of which she HATES and I can't imagine anything she would have avoided more a month ago). The best part of that is that I got the kids, we stayed at my parents and they loved it and we all had a great time.

 

She originally wanted to keep the house and kids. After one week in the house, she discovered that it's a LOT of work and she's lost half her workforce (actually, more than half, but whatever), so, now she says she wants to start looking for a house that doesn't need so much work, and, after she finds a place, she'll move and I can move back into our place.

 

This week we go to our first mediation meeting on Wed. I'm just trying to be as nice and friendly as possible (for now), until the agreement gets signed and we agree on our responsibilities. I figure the angrier she is, the more trouble I'll have with child support agreements, etc. and, the most important thing for me right now is getting the kids as much as I can.

 

I'll take them 2 nights this week for dinner at my parents, I'll go over and tuck them in 2 other nights and then I'm taking them again this weekend. I'm starting to get over the hurt of being replaced and seeing her just "turn off" the emotions she used to claim that she had for me and now, I'm just starting to feel sorry for this new guy and the insanity that he'll have to deal with once the "true" her comes out.

 

Hurts to know she's out all weekend with him, but, it's nice to know that I don't have to spend any more time in a relationship with someone who can toss me aside so easily after 10 years and 2 kids.

 

Time to MOVE ON and get my life started again. When we first met, I was so happy, confident and full of life and I'm REALLY looking forward to getting back to that and taking my kids along for the ride!!

 

Thanks for the advice, and, while I love the kicking her out of the house, bashing in his teeth ideas, etc. I can't do that for the sake of the kids...as much fun as it would be. YES, I'm PISSED! And would love to do all sorts of **** to sabotage her (like calling her new boyfriend's ex-wife who doesn't know anything about his new relationship and is VERY angry as it is), but, one of my buddies told me the other night that I WANT them to work out and I WANT her to be happy...at least for now. It's only a matter of time before that relationship falls apart, but, before that happens, I need to be set up, re-established and ready to take care of the kids if it gets to be too much for her...which it very well may.

 

I spent the last 2 years in the relationship acting like a doormat to avoid fights, trying to appease her, always taking the blame in arguments and focusing on working off the debt. So, for now, I'll just keep playing that card until we have an agreement in place that specifies exactly what our responsibilities are...THEN I'll be able to (calmly) tell her to go suck it...also, I should probably wait until she's out of the house that's in my name, with the mortgage in my name...I know she's waiting to buy a house until she figures out what her new boyfriend wants to do...I would encourage her to make a decision now, but, the more debt I can pay off before having to pay child support AND the mortgage, the better off I'll be. Plus, the longer she stays there with the kids, the better chance I'll have of her getting overwhelmed...

 

And, I asked her last week to ask him to not come to volleyball anymore, which he did. I don't want to see him anywhere. It's bad enough thinking of him being in my house with my kids, but, I know he's nowhere near as fun and exciting as I am (plus, I don't know how much he's "into" kids since he hardly sees his own 10 & 12 year old), so I'm not worried about them liking him too much, but, I just hate the idea that he gets the time with them that should be mine...I've just got to make sure I get ALL the time I can to give them some stability and normalcy.

[debtman]

She called today in tears because of the way people are treating her, the way I'm treating her, her sister has stopped talking to her, etc.

 

I wanted to say "Of course! You dumped your husband for another guy!" But, I know there's more to it than that. While he was the "straw that broke the camel's back" we certainly had problems in the relationship. But I was always willing to come up with ideas to try to fix them and I never wanted to give up on the marriage.

 

I felt bad for her. She said she was thinking of breaking it off with this guy because everyone hates her because of it.

 

I tried to be compassionate. Even after everything she's done, I still love her, she's still the mother of my children. HOWEVER, I'm not going to go back with her and wait until she finds the next guy who makes her feel like she's all that matters. I told her that the decision has been made, people are going to make their own judgments and the only thing that can heal the hurt that people feel is time. I tried to convince her that, eventually, everyone (including me) will get used to the change, we'll all adjust and things will eventually be fine.

 

Not sure if I believe that for her, since I think she needs to focus on herself instead of focusing on a new relationship.

 

Wasn't sure how to deal with her call, her emotions and her reactions. I get emails from her that go from angry to sorry within minutes. I wish she would get some help, but, anytime I've suggested that, she says that she doesn't need any help and knows exactly what she's doing...

 

Just trying to stay focused on the kids through all of this. And I keep trusting that she's doing the same...

[iheartboobs]

100% agree.

 

As Christopher Walken would say:

 

Good for you.

Good. For. you.

 

Stay strong, you'll get all kinds of pity crap from her trying to make you feel guilty. Don't let it. Anything that happens to her is her own damn fault. She made her bed, so now her dumb ass can sleep in it.

[Windsurf66]

maybe the whore was having problems with her new guy, and having second thoughts and hence coming back to you.

 

since she can rub it in your face by openly dressing up and going out with her new bf while still married to you, and ****ing him, i do not think she deserves even 1% of your love. As the name suggest, a whore is only fit to provide you with sexual services. Do not believer her ever again and work towards that one goal now, which is to finalize the divorce.