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unappreciated, unattractive to partner, misunderstood

GolferGirl123

By GolferGirl123
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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GolferGirl123 Member

GolferGirl123

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My session timed out the first time I tried to post this; I think my 2nd attempt is even longer than the first...sorry :(

 

I'm not sure where to begin, so here's some background:

 

Been dating my bf for about 3 years, living together for the last 6 or 7 months, planning on getting engaged this spring.

 

I guess there's a couple different things going on with us. Mostly I'm feeling completely unappreciated, misunderstood, and unattractive, and talking to him doesn't seem to help much.

 

Examples of each of those are:

 

1) Every single night that we are both home (on average 5 out of 7 days) I make dinner, or on occasion order and pay for dinner. But lately he keeps making comments about how I never cook. When I call him out on this he says that he's just kidding. I don't know why someone would joke about that, it's not funny or entertaining, and I think that he's only saying that he's joking so that we don't get into a fight. When we first moved in together he seemed to appreciate that I cooked often, and would promptly do the dinner dishes. Now either I have to do them myself or I have to ask him to do it, and chances are 50/50 that he'll do them that night, or I'll have to wash them the next day because they are still there.

 

2) He hasn't touched me in 2 weeks. The last 4 times we have been intimate in some way are as follows: 2 weeks ago he took me out for a very nice, romantic dinner (as an apology, btw, that's not something he normally does), so I reciprocated his efforts at being romantic by showing him my appreciation in the bedroom. This morning I find out that instead of making the connection of "I do something to make her happy, and wow she does something to make me happy, maybe I should do nice things more often" he concluded that it was because I was "tipsy". The second time we've been intimate I gave him a bj and took care of myself (one of his favorite things); the third time I gave him a bj just because; the fourth time I thought I got lucky, because he actually initiated it - but nope, he's doing his thing, I start going down on him like he wanted, and next thing I know, he comes, stops doing what he was doing to me, and gets dressed. When I tried to talk to him about this he said that I should have taken charge and made him do what I wanted, because he's not a mind reader.

 

Also, he keeps telling me I'm sexy, or have a great butt or whatever, but then instead of feeling me up and hooking up (or even just getting hard!) he just cuddles with me. I can parade around nothing at all, or sexy panties I know he likes, and he'll be too busy watching tv, or on his phone or computer to even look at me.

 

3) He keeps not doing something, and then alternating between blaming me for it and telling me that he didn't really want to do it anyways. He's making me feel like a complete shrew, and that is not at all how I am. For example: The other night we went to a family thing (his family), and afterwards he wanted to go meet up with some friends at a bar (this was at like 9:30 or 10pm). So he dropped me off at home and I said to have fun. He comes home by 11:30pm and says it's because he thought I would be mad. I have NEVER been mad at him for going out with his friends, so he has no basis whatsoever for that statement. But to make it worse, while he was out he sent me a text (something random) with the intention of feeling out if I was angry at him for going out! I was SLEEPING so I didn't see I had a text and didn't respond, so he assumed I was pissed at him for going out and he should come home soon. When I got offended by this he was like "I wanted to be home with you, what good could come of a practically married man being out at 2am."

 

This morning I tried to talk to him about the attraction thing and he got mad and said of course he's attracted to me, and he wishes I would stop acting like I don't like him. He says that I never try to turn him on, but that's not true - it's that nothing I do turns him on.

 

I'm so sad, and kind of frustrated, and don't know what to do. Talking doesn't help.

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GolferGirl123 Member

GolferGirl123

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Also, I know this will sound silly to pretty much everyone, but I recently told him that I feel unappreciated, and want him to try to treat me like he we haven't been dating for 3 years and he's still trying to impress me.

 

Got no results.

 

So I thought, well, maybe he needs more direction.

 

The following scenario is typical for us lately.

 

I want tea, so I ask him if he wants any, and yes he does (this is how it always goes), so I put water on, get mugs and put tea bags in them. Putter around the kitchen (wipe down the appliances, wash the dishes, whatever needs to be done that night), realize the trash/recyclables need to be taken out. All this while he is sitting on the couch watching tv/on his phone playing a game or something. I get all the junk together, ask him to take care of the tea when the water is done, take everything out back. Come back in, the water is done, and he's just sitting on his butt. Irritated, I say, hey can you get the tea while I put in a new trash bag? "Yeah, sure." But he still just sits there while I do the trash bag, and then the tea myself, wondering how the screaming kettle doesn't appear to bother him.

 

I bring our tea cups over to the couch, put them on coasters, settle down next to him, and he leans on me on the couch so that I can't get up unless he does first.

 

Two things happen almost at once. I see an enormous bug on the floor the size of my palm and point it out to bf, and then the dog starts hacking on the carpet like he's going to barf. Bf is completely oblivious to my shouts about the bug, the dog's hacking, as well as my telling the dog to go. When I say "Bf can you take the dog out" he says "Why" and finally looks at me, but I'm already wriggling away from him so I can take the dog out so he doesn't barf on the rug, ask him to kill the huge bug, come back in and have to do it myself! He did clean it up because I was grossed out, but seriously, I can't believe how oblivious he can be!

 

We finally get settled in again, and after about an hour of tv I ask him to fill up my tea cup again, which he does after 10 minutes (fills both of ours). A few minutes later I ask him to rub my feet. His response: Can't I watch tv without having do some subservient task for you?

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GolferGirl123 Member

GolferGirl123

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I make a special effort to buy the foods he likes and his preferred products (lotions, hair junk, etc.). Every time we are low on something, like toothpaste or mouthwash, I replace it. He never notices that I bought whatever products he needed and appreciates my effort or thoughtfulness, but the second he is out of something he notices and tells me that "WE need to get more" of whatever, which makes me feel like he thinks it's my responsibility. When I need a new mascara, I don't tell him that "WE need to go get more", I just flippin' go do it.

 

However, when I empty out the very full trash can under his desk or in the bathroom he notices and thanks me. I have no idea why that is the one thing I do that he notices (he doesn't notice when I vacuum or anything else), but every time he comments on it he says something like "Thanks for taking out the trash, I was just thinking about doing it myself", which lately makes me feel like he is being passive aggressive and I should have emptied it out sooner, and he was just waiting me out to see how long it would take me to do it.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
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2) He hasn't touched me in 2 weeks. The last 4 times we have been intimate in some way are as follows: 2 weeks ago he took me out for a very nice, romantic dinner (as an apology, btw, that's not something he normally does), so I reciprocated his efforts at being romantic by showing him my appreciation in the bedroom. This morning I find out that instead of making the connection of "I do something to make her happy, and wow she does something to make me happy, maybe I should do nice things more often" he concluded that it was because I was "tipsy". The second time we've been intimate I gave him a bj and took care of myself (one of his favorite things); the third time I gave him a bj just because; the fourth time I thought I got lucky, because he actually initiated it - but nope, he's doing his thing, I start going down on him like he wanted, and next thing I know, he comes, stops doing what he was doing to me, and gets dressed. When I tried to talk to him about this he said that I should have taken charge and made him do what I wanted, because he's not a mind reader.

He seems more than a little selfish, self-centered and immature. Has he always been like this with you? I'm trying to figure out what would have kept you in an increasingly serious 3-year relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

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GolferGirl123 Member

GolferGirl123

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No he hasn't always been like that. Even now he's not always like that.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
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No he hasn't always been like that. Even now he's not always like that.

Then what do you think has caused him to morph into what seems to be, based on your posts, a fairly selfish and emotionally unavailable partner? Any big life changes?

 

Are you still planning on going ahead with the engagement and marriage? Hard to believe that this is the life you'd envision going forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

that girl Established Member

that girl

Posted
Posted

Reading this, I'm not even sure why you want to be with him.

 

You do everything around the house, your sex life is all about him, and he isn't very nice to you.

 

You say this is a change and I can think of a few possibilities for the change:

 

-He's under incredible work or family stress

 

-You have done so much for so long that he just completely takes you for granted now

 

-He's cheating

 

Do you both work? If so, why are you taking on what seems like 90% of the household load? I've seen a few friends go through the same pattern- they move in with a guy and are so in love that they do everything for him, thinking he's so in love he'll be rushing to beat her to the dishes and it will be one big love fest. But what really happens is the guy gets used to doing nothing. Six months or a year pass and the girl is feeling totally taken advantage of and now it is an uphill battle to get the guy to do anything. I'm not saying don't do anything nice for a guy, but if both people are employed, housework should be fairly divided.

 

You're trying so hard to win him over, but why don't you stop?

allina Established Member

allina

Posted
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I'm sorry that you're being treated so poorly GG :(

 

I know it's easier said than done but why don't you leave him? He treats you like crap :mad: You seem like a great gf and I'm sure there are tons of men out there who would cherish and appreciate you.

 

I think you need to consider leaving him.

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GolferGirl123 Member

GolferGirl123

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Posted (edited)

I know that I didn't paint him in the best light, but I'm not ready to call it quits - things are not always like this. Obviously we struggle with some things, but if I just dumped him because he's not perfect, I would have to eventually break up with every person I ever date - no one is "perfect" so I want to try to get through this.

 

The last few days have been completely different. I don't know why things flip flop like that - I don't think I imagine things, and I don't think he is bipolar or anything like that, but I am beginning to wonder what the deal is.

Edited by GolferGirl123
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