Stopping this separation

[ElChup01]

I have been officially separated for 1 month now. It’s an odd and awkward situation to say the least. It takes both of our incomes to pay the mortgage so we still live under the same roof until the house is sold. This makes things difficult as you try to respect each others space, but still have to see your wife come and go from the house. Everything has been civil to this point.

About a month ago she came home and told me she couldn’t do this anymore. A year prior she had told me she wasn’t happy and was concerned about our relationship. As I tried to change the things she didn’t like, she began to pull away more. This created a situation where I would clam up (rather than expressing my frustration) and create emotional distance. It came to a head in August and we agreed to see a marriage counselor. We went twice and the guy was horrible.

It’s amazing, but now I have total clarity on the situation. I know I do not deserve all the blame, but I can only focus on what I did wrong. Looking back I was smothering. I’ve discovered that I actually have a low self-esteem and as a result am jealous, needy and critical.

After 5 years my wife has had enough of this. She says she has built up a wall and that it cant be torn down. I really feel the only emotion she is feeling is guilt for calling it off. I realize now that I want to change. In fact, I have already started to change. Primarily to make myself a better person, but I also want to save this marriage.

How do I convince her to reconsider? I think begging a pleading will drive her farther away. No Contact is not an option since we still share the same house. I have recently met someone who is using Homer MacDonalds advice and he claims it is working. However, he has went out and gotten a new girlfriend and now his wife is pursuing him again. I’ve looked at online dating services, but I don’t have the desire to go down this road.

I’ve read this forum over the past few days and I haven’t seen one example of a saved marriage. Has anyone out there successfully turned things around? If so, how? I feel I am ready to make great change in myself and I am so very sad that I have destroyed the one thing I wanted most in this world. It’s very confusing to know your wife still cares about you, but doesn’t ant to be with you anymore.

I know she doesn’t want to here me tell her I’ve changed. I’m confident that there isn’t another man. She does have emotional support from a girlfriend who recently had a failed engagement. She is also a much more extroverted and confident person than myself. Any advice is appreciated.

[You Go Girl]

It’s amazing, but now I have total clarity on the situation. I know I do not deserve all the blame, but I can only focus on what I did wrong. Looking back I was smothering. I’ve discovered that I actually have a low self-esteem and as a result am jealous, needy and critical.

 

How do I convince her to reconsider?

 

The only person you control is you.

If the above self-examination is correct, then stop those behaviors. Words mean nothing, actions everything at this stage.

Don't be smothering.

Don't be jealous.

Don't be needy.

Don't be critical.

 

You can't convince her of anything. She has her own mind and will make up her own mind. I suppose you could try some crafty manipulative tactics, but I don't condone them. Point being, you are individuals and must respect each other.

 

I think you may be placing too much self-blame though. It does take two to tango. Make a list of your faults, but make one of hers too. You need to keep this in perspective and not be a cowering begging puppy dog. You deserve to treat yourself with humble respect, acknowledging your errors, and not disregarding hers.

Keep your chin up! Keep writing when you have insights to share.

[Crimson107]

I can really relate. It seems like fixing marriages are really low everywhere and low self esteem is like the unemployment rate. Wanna hang out sometime and drink to loved lost?

[shmuelik]

I have been officially separated for 1 month now. It’s an odd and awkward situation to say the least. It takes both of our incomes to pay the mortgage so we still live under the same roof until the house is sold. This makes things difficult as you try to respect each others space, but still have to see your wife come and go from the house. Everything has been civil to this point.

About a month ago she came home and told me she couldn’t do this anymore. A year prior she had told me she wasn’t happy and was concerned about our relationship. As I tried to change the things she didn’t like, she began to pull away more. This created a situation where I would clam up (rather than expressing my frustration) and create emotional distance. It came to a head in August and we agreed to see a marriage counselor. We went twice and the guy was horrible.

It’s amazing, but now I have total clarity on the situation. I know I do not deserve all the blame, but I can only focus on what I did wrong. Looking back I was smothering. I’ve discovered that I actually have a low self-esteem and as a result am jealous, needy and critical.

After 5 years my wife has had enough of this. She says she has built up a wall and that it cant be torn down. I really feel the only emotion she is feeling is guilt for calling it off. I realize now that I want to change. In fact, I have already started to change. Primarily to make myself a better person, but I also want to save this marriage.

How do I convince her to reconsider? I think begging a pleading will drive her farther away. No Contact is not an option since we still share the same house. I have recently met someone who is using Homer MacDonalds advice and he claims it is working. However, he has went out and gotten a new girlfriend and now his wife is pursuing him again. I’ve looked at online dating services, but I don’t have the desire to go down this road.

I’ve read this forum over the past few days and I haven’t seen one example of a saved marriage. Has anyone out there successfully turned things around? If so, how? I feel I am ready to make great change in myself and I am so very sad that I have destroyed the one thing I wanted most in this world. It’s very confusing to know your wife still cares about you, but doesn’t ant to be with you anymore.

I know she doesn’t want to here me tell her I’ve changed. I’m confident that there isn’t another man. She does have emotional support from a girlfriend who recently had a failed engagement. She is also a much more extroverted and confident person than myself. Any advice is appreciated.

 

Elchup, its incredible to meet you here. You are a great person and I'm sure you can turn it around. I have done it. I have three children and I was on the verge of divorce.

I went into a long long journey of research and I found it in some teachers who are actually Rabbis. Did you know that the divorce rate amongst Jews is super low?

They have their own teachings about marriage and relationships.

And I'm the total example of that.

Now to you. Its amazing that you see your faults and you want to focus on them. YES, this is the right (if not only) way to go.

I understood that women are the reflection of men. Spiritually speaking. Therefore in 90% of the cases its the husband who screws it up since he takes her for granted and stops dating her after he is married and go what he wanted.

 

I think the first thing you want to do is to stop being separated from her. That usually creates more separation between you. Tell her that you really want to make it work and that you are totally willing to change and to do your utmost to make her happy.

But be careful. Not in a needy/depended/child way. Women want to be married to a man, not their second child ; ).

 

Yes, you are right. You can't convince her. You can only show her. Live by the new standard. She doesn't need to be convinced, she wants to see what you are made from. Once you sustain that long enough she will follow. Women want to follow, they are longing, craving for honor and respect. If you give her that she will come back.

It will take a while because women memorize everything and store it emotionally. So they want to rather see then being 'convinced'

 

I'm absolutely confident that you guys can turn it around, money back guaranty ; ).

Because you want, and she wants.

Tell me, how your interactions were going before you separated? What does she not like about you. Maybe that gives us a hint of how to pursue.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

I know she doesn’t want to here me tell her I’ve changed.

 

You bet your a** she doesn't want to hear your words, you don't need to worry about convincing her of anything! Right now, you just need to be worried about one person, you only! Right now is not the time for "rallying cry's", now is not the time for words, your wife wants to see action!

 

Take it from a lot of people out there who would agree with me, that it takes more than just words to save a marriage. But if you feel that some words are needed with your wife right now, than by all means, go ahead and say them, but you better be willing to back it up with immediate action!

 

Honey, I'm going to wash your car!

 

Better be out there with the sponge and soap and rags within 10 minutes of saying it, she wants to see that car covered with bubbles, she will want to see action.

 

I know the following example was stupid, but that is what it's going to take, if you feel the need to use words, back the words up immediately! Don't try to sell her on the notion that you are changing or have changed....not realistic for not enough time has gone by to truly change!

 

Don't tell her, show her!

 

If you haven't done so already, I would strongly recommend going to your local book store and maybe purchasing some good "self help books", in regards to saving relationships. Also if your into technology, and you own a Apple iPod and have a paid for iTunes account, you can go into their "self help" sections and purchase some Pod-Casts, in regards to self help, motivation, spirituality and relationship building and saving! Download them to your computer than upload them into your iPod and listen to them as well.

 

I'm sure that many more L.S. members have even better ideas and advise than me, I hope anything I said helped a little bit....good luck.