Co-workers situation gone bad

[lexystar]

Last year, I met a guy at work. He is 3 years older than me, happily married to a partner of 13 years, and has an over active sexual appetite. He has slept with over 200 women of all shapes and sizes (while married) and says that he has never "cheated" on his wife and that "cheating" for him is emotional and not physical.

 

We spent a lot of time together, we were very flirtatious, I have not met anyone so good with women, I loved the constant attention. at the end obviously we ended up sleeping together. The affair lasted for about a year, then he decided that he doesnt want to be with me anymore because I have developed feelings for him and when we got into this, he thought that we would be "Co-workers with Benefits" but I failed at that and he is not interested anymore. I had a very hard time handling the rejection untill he told me to my face: "Dont you get it? I dont want to be with you sexully!!".

 

My ego and pride are bruised and I feel so ashamed that I was so clingy and didn't just let go and leave him. How do I handle this situation? Whenever I see him I feel like burrying myself. We see each other every day at work, and I am going to become his boss in a couple of months.

How do I get his respect back? How does one get over such a situation?

 

thanks,

Lex

[Fight4Me]

I'm not sure you ever truly had his respect since it doesn't sound like he is capable of the concept with any woman, so it would be futile to try and regain anything that was never there to begin with.

 

However, you can work on your self respect by choosing to use this as a very valuable (albeit painful) lesson, rather than wallow in a past that you cannot change. Since it sounds like you're moving up the ladder, you will be in a unique position to caution your workers against inappropriate relationships when you see them developing, and you'll be able to do it effectively because you've been there, done that, got the ugly t-shirt. Experience (even the profoundly stupid mistakes) has a way of making us better people, so don't give this poor excuse of a man any more thought whatsoever. Just chalk him up to one major bullet dodged.

 

I might also suggest that once you get into the position of being his superior, that you go to HR to let them know about your mistake so that your side is on record first, and should he decide to get any ideas with you or anyone else, there will be a nice file on the creep and he'll have no standing or credibility.

 

And on a personal note, even if you used protection, I would get yourself tested for STD's considering he's had so many sex partners. **shudder**

[desertIslandCactus]

It seems noticeable that many use the worksite for mating - and with attractions.

 

I would think the best way to regain respect would be to begin with total professionalism toward your job. All will gain from it. Sorry to be so harsh but I think these workplace relationship obstacles would be a hindrance.

[JAGeezer]

There's a reason behind certain sayings. You've just proven the truth of "Thou Shalt Not Dip Thy Quill In Company Ink". Or, to put it more bluntly, "You don't sh*t where you eat".

 

You've really placed yourself in an awkward situation. To answer your question, no, you aren't going to get his respect back. You gave him no reason to respect you when you volunteered to be his live action blow-up doll. The fact that you got attached makes it worse. Because, as his boss, you'll have to do his performance reviews. Anytime he doesn't like something you say, or an assignment you give, or a disciplinary action you might have to take against him, he can dial up HR and claim sexual harassment...calling you a bitter ex-lover. My advice? Get another job. You've fouled your nest in your current workplace beyond repair. Either that or learn to live with him having something to hold over your head.

 

In your other post using the same text, the title implies that you're married. Happily so (which I doubt). I notice that you don't mention your poor slob of a BH. Imagine your ex-lover, soon to be subordinate coming to you and saying..."Give me this project...recommend me for this promotion...have sex with me again on your desk, or I'll phone up your husband."

 

Good luck. You're going to need it.

 

JAG

[2sure]

Look, you have this entire ball of bad decisions made by you...roll it up into a very good and essential lesson...and take it with you forward:

 

Never have sex with a man who has told you he has had 200 partners just while he was married. He is an STD factory.

 

Never ever ever F anyone you work with. That can be professional suicide.

 

Never expect a man who tells you he only wants you for sex to respect you.

 

Now, as to your dealing with him in the future: You treat him as you would anyone else at work. No more no less.

 

If he tells anyone, if anyone knows or suspects...you do not defend or confirm or deny. If he brings it up to you privately simply tell him:

I cannot imagine what I was thinking.

[YellowShark]

Last year, I met a guy at work. He is 3 years older than me, happily married to a partner of 13 years, and has an over active sexual appetite. He has slept with over 200 women of all shapes and sizes (while married) and says that he has never "cheated" on his wife and that "cheating" for him is emotional and not physical.

 

1) You are not "happily married" if you have cheated on your wife of 13 years with nearly 200 women.

 

2) I just spat coffee through my nose laughing at the "cheating for him is emotional and not physical" rationalization. Man, what a copout from taking ownership for being a serious serial cheater.

 

3) Never ever get involved with someone from work. Not only does it impact your livelihood, there is NO ESCAPE when it goes bad, at home OR at work.

[myname]

There's a reason behind certain sayings. You've just proven the truth of "Thou Shalt Not Dip Thy Quill In Company Ink". Or, to put it more bluntly, "You don't sh*t where you eat".

 

You've really placed yourself in an awkward situation. To answer your question, no, you aren't going to get his respect back. You gave him no reason to respect you when you volunteered to be his live action blow-up doll. The fact that you got attached makes it worse. Because, as his boss, you'll have to do his performance reviews. Anytime he doesn't like something you say, or an assignment you give, or a disciplinary action you might have to take against him, he can dial up HR and claim sexual harassment...calling you a bitter ex-lover. My advice? Get another job. You've fouled your nest in your current workplace beyond repair. Either that or learn to live with him having something to hold over your head.

 

In your other post using the same text, the title implies that you're married. Happily so (which I doubt). I notice that you don't mention your poor slob of a BH. Imagine your ex-lover, soon to be subordinate coming to you and saying..."Give me this project...recommend me for this promotion...have sex with me again on your desk, or I'll phone up your husband."

 

Good luck. You're going to need it.

 

JAG

 

It goes both ways though, she's just as likely to be able to say to him, take this rubbish project, I'm disciplining you for a minor thing, etc or I'll phone up your wife.

 

But this isn't the issue, she's asking for advice and support, and some of the replies are just judgemental and nasty.

 

People make mistakes, I'm sure we all have done things we regret, that have hurt others or that have hurt ourselves.

 

Surely this forum is for allowing the expression of those and for sharing, not simply for bashing people while they're down regardless of whether you think they've done bad things and brought it on themselves.

[jwi71]

Last year, I met a guy at work. He is 3 years older than me, happily married to a partner of 13 years, and has an over active sexual appetite. He has slept with over 200 women of all shapes and sizes (while married) and says that he has never "cheated" on his wife and that "cheating" for him is emotional and not physical.

 

Presuming his W doesn't know, then telling his W won't be a problem since it's not cheating then huh?

I trust you see my point here.

 

And...get yourself straight to an STD test. Now. Yesterday even. IF he has truly had 200+ affairs then his chances for STD are proportionately higher. This also means you need to stay celibate so as to not infect any others should you have contracted something until you test clean.

 

Going further...you NEED to contact his W. Given the sheer volume affairs she NEEDS to hear it - she has a FAR greater chance of infection than you. And if she doesn't know...she should.

 

We spent a lot of time together, we were very flirtatious, I have not met anyone so good with women, I loved the constant attention. at the end obviously we ended up sleeping together. The affair lasted for about a year, then he decided that he doesnt want to be with me anymore because I have developed feelings for him and when we got into this, he thought that we would be "Co-workers with Benefits" but I failed at that and he is not interested anymore. I had a very hard time handling the rejection untill he told me to my face: "Dont you get it? I dont want to be with you sexully!!".

Well, it was patently rude for him to say this however I would also say given his prior treatment of women - he doesn't respect ANY woman.

 

My ego and pride are bruised and I feel so ashamed that I was so clingy and didn't just let go and leave him. How do I handle this situation? Whenever I see him I feel like burrying myself. We see each other every day at work, and I am going to become his boss in a couple of months.

How do I get his respect back? How does one get over such a situation?

Oh boy.

 

You are a co-worker and soon to be boss. My advice is to quit.

 

There is too great a risk of him using this against you. If you are in the US, its not uncommon to have codified policy forbidden this and a violation of such may result in termination. As boss, HR will hold YOU to a higher standard. No matter how you slice it, he will always have Damocles' Sword of "retaliation of a scorned lover" to hold over you. What a crappy way to work.

 

Get his respect back? back? You never had it. Any person who so callously uses you (and others Im sure) doesn't value a woman save the space between her legs. He's no man that's for sure. He's a child with a penis.

 

Again, I would chalk this up to a life lesson (never ever ever eff a co-worker, especially if you are or about to be boss) and quit.

[spice4life]

You should consider yourself lucky that he doesn't want you anymore in that way. I mean really, the guy justifies cheating by saying he doesn't get emotionally involved with the women he has sex with? He sounds like a real winner and I would feel sorry for his wife if I were you.

 

Take some time to look at why you allowed yourself to be involved with this guy in the first place. Did you think you could change him? And don't worry about getting his respect back you should be more worried about getting your "self respect" back. That is all that matters now. Just focus on your job, let the fog clear and eventually you will begin to see this guy for who he really is.

 

Good luck with everything.

Edited November 9, 2010 by spice4life

[Hazyhead]

Last year, I met a guy at work. He is 3 years older than me, happily married to a partner of 13 years, and has an over active sexual appetite. He has slept with over 200 women of all shapes and sizes (while married) and says that he has never "cheated" on his wife and that "cheating" for him is emotional and not physical.

 

We spent a lot of time together, we were very flirtatious, I have not met anyone so good with women, I loved the constant attention. at the end obviously we ended up sleeping together. The affair lasted for about a year, then he decided that he doesnt want to be with me anymore because I have developed feelings for him and when we got into this, he thought that we would be "Co-workers with Benefits" but I failed at that and he is not interested anymore. I had a very hard time handling the rejection untill he told me to my face: "Dont you get it? I dont want to be with you sexully!!".

 

My ego and pride are bruised and I feel so ashamed that I was so clingy and didn't just let go and leave him. How do I handle this situation? Whenever I see him I feel like burrying myself. We see each other every day at work, and I am going to become his boss in a couple of months.

How do I get his respect back? How does one get over such a situation?

 

thanks,

Lex

 

You know Lex, I think you are one of the lucky ones - he has shown his true colours to you pretty early on and not misled you. Now I'm gonna be blunt: He is a sh!*stain. Why is it that you want his respect? Does he even respect anyone? Run. Run as far as work will let you.

 

You will get over him and in time, I guarantee you'll be 'What the hell was I thinking?' Move on, hon.

[lexystar]

There's a reason behind certain sayings. You've just proven the truth of "Thou Shalt Not Dip Thy Quill In Company Ink". Or, to put it more bluntly, "You don't sh*t where you eat".

 

You've really placed yourself in an awkward situation. To answer your question, no, you aren't going to get his respect back. You gave him no reason to respect you when you volunteered to be his live action blow-up doll. The fact that you got attached makes it worse. Because, as his boss, you'll have to do his performance reviews. Anytime he doesn't like something you say, or an assignment you give, or a disciplinary action you might have to take against him, he can dial up HR and claim sexual harassment...calling you a bitter ex-lover. My advice? Get another job. You've fouled your nest in your current workplace beyond repair. Either that or learn to live with him having something to hold over your head.

 

In your other post using the same text, the title implies that you're married. Happily so (which I doubt). I notice that you don't mention your poor slob of a BH. Imagine your ex-lover, soon to be subordinate coming to you and saying..."Give me this project...recommend me for this promotion...have sex with me again on your desk, or I'll phone up your husband."

 

Good luck. You're going to need it.

 

JAG

 

 

I am married, the fact that I cheated has nothing to do with how I feel about my husband. I changed the name of the thread but for some reason it got posted twice. In any case, I feel that you are being a bit too judgmental. I suggest you go over what you wrote again and ask yourself where exactly the support is?

 

thanks

[lexystar]

Thanks everyone, this has been so helpful!

I am not going to quite my job, I will treat him as I treat everyone else at the office, it will be difficult but I have learned my lesson.

 

hoping for the best,

 

thanks again

[Holding-On]

You may not want to quit your job but

 

1. Please go and get STD tested.

 

2. Being his boss sounds like a BAD plan. I'd seriously start planning for a career change, sideways or up or out. It doesn't hurt to have your resume intact and ready and be looking while you have a job.

 

3. With 200 partners (or 20) it is possible his wife knows. Unfortunately for you, you are not in a position to tell her because that ruins any counter leverage you have with this bozo while you are hoping to keep your job. In short you have too much to lose.