Fern Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Everyone talks about moving on and trying not to dwell on your ex/ the past etc and I'm wondering if my compulsive reading of this forum is healthy? I'm quite sure this place helped save my sanity at an earlier point in the beakup but is it still helping? Or is it hindering me now and allowing me to keep dwelling on the past? It's been (I worked it out yesterday) 13 weeks since I moved out of our flat and I'm doing pretty great, I think. I'm not even tempted to contact him anymore, but I do still think about him a lot and I've been known to cave and ask people about him. Would I still be dwelling so much if I didn't have this place to feed that urge? Or would I possibly be worse? Any thoughts? I don't want to stop using this place as a crutch but my urge to log in several times a day is starting to worry me! ;-)
lapse Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Haha I have wondered the same. At one point, it is very healing and we get the support we need without belaboring our friends' ears. But the other thing about it is that it is continuously distracting and keeps us thinking about them and... about the breakup. As long as you are doing this and still getting your work done, still doing activities that make you feel good (other than this), I think you're ok. I love sharing experiences... so I really enjoy this forum. I do think, possibly too much!
curiousnycgirl Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 I think we migrate our activites on this site from being needy to being the ones to give support. When I read your post above I realzied that I didn't even know how long it's been for me, I know it was September 14th, but I have no clue how long ago that is - so of course I went and coutned the weeks - 8. I still think about him a lot (ok constantly) - regardless of what he has done, while we were together I did believe he was my best friend. You don't spend the majority of 6 years with someone without missing their presence when they are gone. Now I am alone, and I am having an adjustment period - a really long one. Thankfully I have not asked anyone about him, not even once. I literally cut everyone that was connected with him out of my life that very same day. The very few that have reached out to me or that I continue to be in touch with, I have begged to not get in the middle and not allow him to drag them there either. Only one wanted to call him immediately and kill him - he had spent hours on the phone with her trying to figure out how to fix things back in at the beginning of the year during our last break, he thoroughly convinced her that he was in love with me and was committed 100% to me. I begged her not to call him/get in the middle and she has respected that. One other friend saw him and he went off about me - she apparently told him that while she was aware of my side that I had asked her to stay out of it and she was respsecting my wishes and doing just that. Apparently he went off anyway saying that I was being ridiculous, that I was totally wrong and that I was calling all his friends with my lies (um.....no I'm not I swear I'm not) - and that he could not wait until I calmed down and called him and that he was going to really give it to me. Trust me I will not be calling him! Oops I've totally thread jacked, I'm sorry. Back to your question I think this site serves different purposes for us at different times. Over the years I've taken from as well as given back to the fine folks on this web site. Right now I am at a point where I am doing both. They are giving me the strength to stay resolved to keep NC and recognize that I will never get answers to the questions I have about my ex - and I feel by sharing my experience with others they are perhaps gaining a different viewpoint that is helping them I knwo some folks feel it is more healing for them to leave LS when they are fully recovered from their break up, but I always try to stick around. Does that make sense?
bl22 Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 I find posting on here instead of bottling up thoughts and feelings is much better. My friends are sick of hearin me talk about her so i cant go to them anymore, and if i bottle it up i get miserable and depressed.
Author Fern Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 NYCgirl, your posts are always relevant and interesting, so hijack away! ;-) I think it's probably healthier for me to vent on here than bottle it up at the moment. 3 months is still only 3 months - no matter how well I think I'm handling it (I honestly thought it was longer until yesterday). I'm trying to read more of the positive posts these days - those with optimistic thread titles. I do worry about getting stuck in a rut of negativity by only reading/replying to the very recent dumpees. But I'm very grateful to have found LS when I did. Very grateful.
carhill Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 OP, I think your question is a healthy one. For myself, 18 months post-separation and about three weeks post final divorce, LS is a mirror of the process. A place to use the experiences I've gone through to hopefully help others; to monitor my progress; to validate and/or challenge work I did in MC. IMO, no path is perfect. For each of us it's different. If LS is hindering or interfering with your goals and/or path, decide how and whether continuing here can be a positive experience for you and then implement that decision. Your choice to be 'selective' in the threads you read is a great sign of that process. Some people stick to selected forums. Others take a hiatus. Others leave for good. Many paths
dbmystinkbug Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Fern, three months is an eternity when you're trying to get over someone. Don't feel bad or try to minimize it. But if you feel like you're doing well after three months, and that you're at the point where this site is doing you more harm than good, then it's gotta mean you're making progress toward forgetting your ex. Certainly something to feel good about
curiousnycgirl Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 NYCgirl, your posts are always relevant and interesting, so hijack away! ;-) I still think it is absolutely uncanny how similar our situations are - the mere fact that I am not the only one has helped me more than you will ever know - so I thank you for that. I think the fact that you and I have been through much of the same thing in the past 6 years is probably why you find me relevant at all ROFL!!!! I think it's probably healthier for me to vent on here than bottle it up at the moment. 3 months is still only 3 months - no matter how well I think I'm handling it (I honestly thought it was longer until yesterday). I'm trying to read more of the positive posts these days - those with optimistic thread titles. I do worry about getting stuck in a rut of negativity by only reading/replying to the very recent dumpees. But I'm very grateful to have found LS when I did. Very grateful. I agree bottling up does not work for everyone - I go betwixt and between. Bottom line I am also so very glad LS is here! Fern, three months is an eternity when you're trying to get over someone. Don't feel bad or try to minimize it. But if you feel like you're doing well after three months, and that you're at the point where this site is doing you more harm than good, then it's gotta mean you're making progress toward forgetting your ex. Certainly something to feel good about Agreed when you are in the first few days three months seems like forever, but when you are looking back - time really does fly. It's amazing that at some point we do start to recover, as mmuha s we hate to admit it, it does happen. As Gloria Gaynor said many years ago (yes I AM that old!) - I WILL SURVIVE - etc. etc
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