Considering taking on a FWB....

[OceanGirl]

Logically, yes it would be light years better than an FWB. The problem with an FWB is it would likely cause the OP to become even more jaded. Personally, I think the OP should just avoid any type of relationship with men for a period of time and work out her issues.

 

 

I can actually see myself relaxing in a relationship where the guy is consistent and treats me with respect. The first month of a relationship where you don't know the other person at all, don't know if they are even interested in a relationship with you, don't know if you can trust them on any level is where I seem to stumble.

 

I think that with dating, people assume that others put the "best foot forward" in the early stages. I bet that guys that dated me thought OMG if she is this anxious about things early on, I can't even imagine how worse things will get when we get in deeper. But in reality, I would get less anxious in time. I seem to be at the odds with the world by putting my "worst foot forward" early on.

Edited November 10, 2010 by OceanGirl

[sumdude]

There is not a chance in hell of me falling for this guy, no matter how much sex we have. So I feel this is a good plan for me.

(BTW all his messages sound like that)

 

Well, I hope you're sure about that. I've seen a couple strong, smart women even in their 40's turn back into dumb teenagers before my eyes trying this sort of thing.

[LisaLee]

I bet that guys that dated me thought OMG if she is this anxious about things early on, I can't even imagine how worse things will get when we get in deeper. But in reality, I would get less anxious in time. I seem to be at the odds with the world by putting my "worst foot forward" early on.

 

I can see that. You seem like a very anxious person when there's a guy in the picture. Right now, without anyone really on the horizon, you strike me as being a little more relaxed.

[OceanGirl]

This is what I expect from guys in the early stages of dating (and I don't think that I am asking for too much...). Guys that I have dated recently have ALL failed on one of these points:

 

• If you make a date, stick to it. Do not flake, do not remember that you have "that work function" few hours before that date.
  
• If you don't contact me for 2 days and I send you a small talk text, please respond within few hours. Responding 24 hours later is going to be taken as low interest.
  
• If I ask to see you on day x, do not give me a vague answer or change the topic. It's fine if you can't but don't say "I will get back to you" without telling me the reason. I will get back to you and not getting back to me until few hours before, is going to be taken as waiting to see if a better option comes along.
  
• Be genuinly open to getting to know me. If I ask "what do your parents do?", do not say "my mum is a nurse, my dad is an accountant FULL STOP". Give me some more information. I do not want to get to date 5 without having any idea of who you are. I also do not want to have to pull every word out of you.
  
• Offer to pay for me on date 1 as a gentleman would.
  
• Do what you say. If you say you will call on Thrusday, it's not cool to call on Friday instead.
  

I mean seriously, if a guy fails on any of the above and I like him - I will keep seeing him but my anxiety will increase and my guard will go up.

[Mad Max]

This is what I expect from guys in the early stages of dating (and I don't think that I am asking for too much...). Guys that I have dated recently have ALL failed on one of these points:

 

• If you make a date, stick to it. Do not flake, do not remember that you have "that work function" few hours before that date.
  
• If you don't contact me for 2 days and I send you a small talk text, please respond within few hours. Responding 24 hours later is going to be taken as low interest.
  
• If I ask to see you on day x, do not give me a vague answer or change the topic. It's fine if you can't but don't say "I will get back to you" without telling me the reason. I will get back to you and not getting back to me until few hours before, is going to be taken as waiting to see if a better option comes along.
  
• Be genuinly open to getting to know me. If I ask "what do your parents do?", do not say "my mum is a nurse, my dad is an accountant FULL STOP". Give me some more information. I do not want to get to date 5 without having any idea of who you are. I also do not want to have to pull every word out of you.
  
• Offer to pay for me on date 1 as a gentleman would.
  
• Do what you say. If you say you will call on Thrusday, it's not cool to call on Friday instead.
  

I mean seriously, if a guy fails on any of the above and I like him - I will keep seeing him but my anxiety will increase and my guard will go up.

 

 

Not for nothing, but you come off as demanding. If you have bullets for your expectations, that's kind of sad.

[Cracker Jack]

This is what I expect from guys in the early stages of dating (and I don't think that I am asking for too much...). Guys that I have dated recently have ALL failed on one of these points:

 

• If you make a date, stick to it. Do not flake, do not remember that you have "that work function" few hours before that date.
  
• If you don't contact me for 2 days and I send you a small talk text, please respond within few hours. Responding 24 hours later is going to be taken as low interest.
  
• If I ask to see you on day x, do not give me a vague answer or change the topic. It's fine if you can't but don't say "I will get back to you" without telling me the reason. I will get back to you and not getting back to me until few hours before, is going to be taken as waiting to see if a better option comes along.
  
• Be genuinly open to getting to know me. If I ask "what do your parents do?", do not say "my mum is a nurse, my dad is an accountant FULL STOP". Give me some more information. I do not want to get to date 5 without having any idea of who you are. I also do not want to have to pull every word out of you.
  
• Offer to pay for me on date 1 as a gentleman would.
  
• Do what you say. If you say you will call on Thrusday, it's not cool to call on Friday instead.
  

I mean seriously, if a guy fails on any of the above and I like him - I will keep seeing him but my anxiety will increase and my guard will go up.

 

I honestly think you're a nice woman at heart, OG. I just think some of the things you focus on (Like the parent example. Come on now) are kinda silly. No one's perfect. And honestly, you've been shown to put your guard up even when guys weren't doing anything wrong.

 

I dunno. In your case, dating just seems so, ergh, artificial; like there's no fun in it or something.

[northern_sky]

This is what I expect from guys in the early stages of dating (and I don't think that I am asking for too much...). Guys that I have dated recently have ALL failed on one of these points:

 

• If you make a date, stick to it. Do not flake, do not remember that you have "that work function" few hours before that date.
  
• If you don't contact me for 2 days and I send you a small talk text, please respond within few hours. Responding 24 hours later is going to be taken as low interest.
  
• If I ask to see you on day x, do not give me a vague answer or change the topic. It's fine if you can't but don't say "I will get back to you" without telling me the reason. I will get back to you and not getting back to me until few hours before, is going to be taken as waiting to see if a better option comes along.
  
• Be genuinly open to getting to know me. If I ask "what do your parents do?", do not say "my mum is a nurse, my dad is an accountant FULL STOP". Give me some more information. I do not want to get to date 5 without having any idea of who you are. I also do not want to have to pull every word out of you.
  
• Offer to pay for me on date 1 as a gentleman would.
  
• Do what you say. If you say you will call on Thrusday, it's not cool to call on Friday instead.
  

I mean seriously, if a guy fails on any of the above and I like him - I will keep seeing him but my anxiety will increase and my guard will go up.

 

This is a great list, and I agree with all of your bullet points. I'll add a few that are huge turn offs for me:

 

*show interest in me as a person beyond obligatory, "how was your week, weekend, work, whatever." Ask me questions about my history, family, and be genuinely interested.

*do not confirm a date the day of, and especially hours before.

*do not be lazy about choosing the date activity, or put the onus on me to decide.

*if you want to see me again, you better mention when at the end of the date at least in vague terms or I'll assume you're not interested.

*use my name once in awhile. I hate it when guys never use the woman's name, as if doing so would be too personal.

*after the first couple of dates, start complimenting me here and there.

*call me at least some of the time, rather than texting constantly.

[northern_sky]

I honestly think you're a nice woman at heart, OG. I just think some of the things you focus on (Like the parent example. Come on now) are kinda silly. No one's perfect. And honestly, you've been shown to put your guard up even when guys weren't doing anything wrong.

 

I dunno. In your case, dating just seems so, ergh, artificial; like there's no fun in it or something.

 

I disagree. I think all of the things OG listed could be taken as valid signs of low interest.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

[*]If you don't contact me for 2 days and I send you a small talk text, please respond within few hours. Responding 24 hours later is going to be taken as low interest.

 

I believe that it's generally considered fine to respond to communications within 24 hours.

 

[*]Be genuinly open to getting to know me. If I ask "what do your parents do?", do not say "my mum is a nurse, my dad is an accountant FULL STOP". Give me some more information. I do not want to get to date 5 without having any idea of who you are. I also do not want to have to pull every word out of you.

 

Wow. I would fail this one. I am a good conversationalist, but I might give a concise answer to such a specific, pointed question. I guess you'd "next" me!

[Surrealist]

Well I wouldn't say 'FULL STOP' so I might be in for a chance eh?

[Mad Max]

Dating is supposed to be fun. If you have demands broken down into bullet points, you're setting yourself up for failure.

[TheBigQuestion]

A lot of those things on the list are absolutely not signs of low interest. Sometimes people will be busy. Sometimes they won't have their entire schedule memorized so they can tell you at your every whim when they can see you next. Not everyone is comfortable with telling someone on the first few dates everything their parents do for a living. Some people's careers are so specialized that even their own kids would have a hard time describing to a stranger what exactly they do, and therefore probably wouldn't be able to give you 2-minute long answer about it. That particular type of requirement is patently absurd.

 

I'm a first year law student right now; even with girls I'm interested in seeing, it's entirely conceivable for me to get a text at 10AM and not have a chance to respond to it until 6PM or later. I'm overworked to the point where I don't remember the date or what day it is. I forgot my own mother's birthday last week, which I never did before. For anyone in my situation, what makes you think they'd be so great at responding to you? The circumstances of life get in the way, and when they do, it doesn't mean a guy is low-interest.

[LisaLee]

I believe that it's generally considered fine to respond to communications within 24 hours.

 

I started a thread once on texting etiquette in the rant section. I was bitching about my SO's response time to my texts. I got my a s s chewed out, and the general consensus was 24 hours is appropriate when it comes to texts response.

 

I actually agree with OG on the texting, though. =/ We all have busy lives, but how long does it take to send a quick text? 5 seconds? I would understand if it's friend to friend to wait 24 hrs, but if it's a SO or potential relationship I think responding within a couple of hours is not asking too much.

[TheBigQuestion]

I started a thread once on texting etiquette in the rant section. I was bitching about my SO's response time to my texts. I got my a s s chewed out, and the general consensus was 24 hours is appropriate when it comes to texts response.

 

I actually agree with OG on the texting, though. =/ We all have busy lives, but how long does it take to send a quick text? 5 seconds? I would understand if it's friend to friend to wait 24 hrs, but if it's a SO or potential relationship I think responding within a couple of hours is not asking too much.

 

I think the 24 hour rule for any sort of communication is appropriate, SO or not. People dated before there was any internet or cell phones, and while I'm not old enough to be part of that generation, I can imagine that if the couple lived a distance from each other, they didn't communicate 5000+ times a day the way most people do nowadays with text/facebook/phone etc.

[Star Gazer]

I disagree SG.

 

I tend to be obsessive about my love life and that I lack self-esteem in general.

 

You disagree, and yet you admit two qualities of someone who's NOT emotionally secure or stable. Obsession. Low self-esteem.

[Star Gazer]

Not pulling you up on this comment, but citing as one of what appears to be the general opinion on this thread.... Given OP is not in an emotional viable state for such arrangements, does anyone think (as I alluded to in my earlier post) that a relationship would be better suited for OP? I mean relationships are work as well and require some emotional resilience and maturity - probably even moreso than these other arrangements, yes or no?

 

I don't think OG is emotionally capable of ANY romantic or sexual relationship right now.

[OceanGirl]

A lot of those things on the list are absolutely not signs of low interest. Sometimes people will be busy. Sometimes they won't have their entire schedule memorized so they can tell you at your every whim when they can see you next. Not everyone is comfortable with telling someone on the first few dates everything their parents do for a living. Some people's careers are so specialized that even their own kids would have a hard time describing to a stranger what exactly they do, and therefore probably wouldn't be able to give you 2-minute long answer about it. That particular type of requirement is patently absurd.

 

I'm a first year law student right now; even with girls I'm interested in seeing, it's entirely conceivable for me to get a text at 10AM and not have a chance to respond to it until 6PM or later. I'm overworked to the point where I don't remember the date or what day it is. I forgot my own mother's birthday last week, which I never did before. For anyone in my situation, what makes you think they'd be so great at responding to you? The circumstances of life get in the way, and when they do, it doesn't mean a guy is low-interest.

 

Honestly, you shouldn't date at present. You clearly have no time to give to another person. If you want to date, be upfront about your work commintments pretty much on date 1 - at least that way a girl will know what to expect..

[OceanGirl]

My parent example may seem silly but it has to be taken in context. Imagine if you asked someone a number of questions about themselves and they gave you 2 word answers on all of them.

 

Either they don't want to open up or they are a really bad conversationalist (which is also a deal breaker).

[TheBigQuestion]

Honestly, you shouldn't date at present. You clearly have no time to give to another person. If you want to date, be upfront about your work commintments pretty much on date 1 - at least that way a girl will know what to expect..

 

I agree. I'm not actually dating. The point was that even though I'm busy right now, I'm sure most working professionals are just as busy or more so, and yet many of them are able to date because not every person they try to date is so caught up on timeliness or highly specified requirements.

[Cracker Jack]

See, that's different, and makes much more sense when trying to demonstrate your point, OG. Btw, even though most of those guys hadn't did well in regards to completing the list, do you believe you were straight-forward and as on-point with your dates as you preferred them to be?

[musemaj11]

The OP should date a robot.

 

*show interest in me as a person beyond obligatory, "how was your week, weekend, work, whatever." Ask me questions about my history, family, and be genuinely interested.

*do not confirm a date the day of, and especially hours before.

*do not be lazy about choosing the date activity, or put the onus on me to decide.

*if you want to see me again, you better mention when at the end of the date at least in vague terms or I'll assume you're not interested.

*use my name once in awhile. I hate it when guys never use the woman's name, as if doing so would be too personal.

*after the first couple of dates, start complimenting me here and there.

*call me at least some of the time, rather than texting constantly.

Lol, with this mentality, I can see you being single for a long long time.

 

Yea so a guy is lazy for asking you what to do for the date? What about you then? :rolleyes:

 

Demand, demand, demand ...

 

Single, single, single ...

 

Alone, alone, alone ...

 

Forever, forever, forever ...

 

:D:D

Edited November 10, 2010 by musemaj11

[Els]

Hahaha I know, it is such a huge turn off that no amount of looks can compensate for.

 

I have now decided against it but not for the reasons people think.

 

Emotionally, I would have no problem handling it. My emotions wouldn't be involved because I couldn't possibly see myself having feelings for this guy. Ever.

 

I am simply not excited at the prospect of having to spend any time conversing with him.

 

This is true. However, would you feel disgusted at yourself for having had sex with such a dumb bloke, later?

 

If you feel you would be fine, then I think you could just do the quick-roll-in-the-sack thingy; if he isn't interested in a relationship either, I think he'd be thrilled not to have to converse anyway! Win-win.

[Knittress]

The OP should date a robot.

 

 

Lol, with this mentality, I can see you being single for a long long time.

 

Yea so a guy is lazy for asking you what to do for the date? What about you then? :rolleyes:

 

Demand, demand, demand ...

 

Single, single, single ...

 

Alone, alone, alone ...

 

Forever, forever, forever ...

 

:D:D

 

Why are people acting like OG's list is all that unreasonable?

[Mad Max]

Why are people acting like OG's list is all that unreasonable?

 

 

Because it's incredibly demanding. She put all her expectations in bullet points. If she expects a guy to do all that she listed, she better be putting in an equal effort. All of her bullet point expectations is nothing short of high maintenance.

[Knittress]

Because it's incredibly demanding. She put all her expectations in bullet points. If she expects a guy to do all that she listed, she better be putting in an equal effort. All of her bullet point expectations is nothing short of high maintenance.

 

You have a beef with the formatting? Really?? She was communicating in a concise and clear manner on an internet message board. She didn't say she had these printed out in bulk and brought them along with her on dates.

 

And her bullet-points are mostly about potential dates respecting her time as valuable and not acting as if she's a last-minute filler for other plans that fall through.