melenkurion Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 What the hell is wrong with me? On Sunday I did something totally insane. I went for a drink with Other Guy's ex. The basic idea was to compare notes I suppose. Not a good idea, bit kinda irresistible. We chatted a lot about all sorts of stuff, and he came back to mine. As it was time to leave, we hugged. Insanely, that lead to kissing, and to sharing a bed for the night. Nothing sexual happened. We spent the whole of the next day together. What the hell is wrong with me? How could I let that happen? Anyone with half a brain can see this is just about the worst possible thing I can be doing.
Fern Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 I don't think it's the worst thing at all - as long as both of you are fully aware that it's not going anywhere romantically and you're both using the other for support and/or comfort. Just be honest with him. I've been told by several 'friends' of my exes new girlfriend that she's quite openly said she still has feelings for her ex-fiancee and that it will break her heart when he meets someone new, even if it's only for one night. I seriously considered seducing him when I heard that. Now THAT would be the worst thing I could do. But only because I would ONLY be doing it to piss her off. If you and this guy can find a new friend or someone to lean on through this, I don't see that as a bad thing. Just be very clear with each other. And very honest at all times. And if it happens to piss your exes off at the same time - well that's just gravy.
Author melenkurion Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 We have been honest with each other, as far as it goes: but we are both extremely confused about the whole situation. It's pretty recent. I daren't tell my friends, they would think I was utterly insane. At least we knew not to go too far, even though the temptation was very definitely there on both sides. We weren't doing it for vengeance I would say, it was a looking for comfort thing. I am pretty sure I don't want the exes to know. I guess we feel a weird connection?
Fern Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Why wouldn't you want the exes to know? Because you're still harbouring hopes of reconciling? A little bit of jealousy never did anyone any harm.
Author melenkurion Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 Why wouldn't you want the exes to know? Because you're still harbouring hopes of reconciling? A little bit of jealousy never did anyone any harm. Yup, I guess I am harbouring (false) hopes of reconciliation. I am not sure about Other Guy's ex. He still seems to be trying to work out what on earth has happened. I am a bit concerned for his well-being, he seems too focussed on establishing a time-line and obsessing even more than I was.
Author melenkurion Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 Hmmmmm. I spent pretty much all of this last weekend with this guy. I really enjoyed spending time with him. But, I'm worried that I am trying to fill an emptiness, and might end up hurting us both so much. He doesn't deserve that, he's a far more decent guy than his ex and my ex. He keeps saying we are both adults, that "they" don't matter at all, we should just look to the future. He says being together feels so right. He's right, it really does feel right. He's more over his ex than I am over mine (they were together around ten months, only saw each other weekends, and the weekends were getting less and less frequent).
Fern Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Hey Melenkurion! I've been wondering how you were doing. I say if being with this guy is helping you to feel better, where's the harm? Just keep being careful - and honest with him and things will work out. Good luck! How are you feeling about things now? I've had a hard few weeks - I couldn't keep up strict NC because of commitments to mutual friends and I've suffered for it. He's been a total prick and started trying to introduce the new girl to our mutual group of friends, whilst trying to act all concerned for my wellbeing at the same time. I've been rising above it and being dignified. On the plus side, I feel immeasurably better about everything than I did just 3 months ago when seeing him with her would have been intolerable. I'm back to strict NC now though. Seeing him has definitely put me back a bit. I'm going to avoid him like the plague for the next 60 days and reassess how I feel then. how are you faring?
Author melenkurion Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 Hey Fern, I've been very, very honest with him. He deserves nothing less. He's also completely honest with me. We don't know what the hell we are doing, but we are enjoying it. I suppose my main worry is that when I ought to be learning to get a life for myself, I might start to lean on New Guy. But it's fun. He's made me laugh, and I really managed to forget about stuff when he was there. Apart from seeing my ex last Monday when he picked his things up, I haven't had any contact. I've been very strict with myself about never initiating contact from the second week of the breakup. He said when I last saw him that as far as being in contact went, he'd leave it up to me. I did get the distinct impression that he wanted to keep me in his life: he has all except one of his exes in his life, and he sees all of those from time to time. But none of those relationships lasted longer than six months, and he never lived with them. I think he wants contact from me so that he can feel less guilty. Also, so that he can feel more at ease among our mutual friends: I think he is getting a bit fed up of just spending his time with Other Guy and no-one else. He's telling them all he is really worried about me, without doing a damn thing about it (a bit like saying you're oh so concerned about the environment, while munching on panda burgers). There's one thing: I can't quite stop myself looking at his twitter stream. That counts as breaking NC, I know. At least doing that stopped us ending up going for lunch in the same place yesterday, I wanted to try a new place that had been open a few weeks. I don't think I could manage a social occasion with him there yet, not for months. In 3 months you have grown amazingly! Not that your ex matters, but he must be amazed to see how well you are dealing with him. I know that for me, seeing them together would destroy me: I can't see me being OK with that for a very, very long time. "I'm going to avoid him like the plague for the next 60 days and reassess how I feel then." Sounds a good plan! And a good choice of phrase, he sounds like he was a nasty illness. I hope by then you are fully immune. In my case, I am pretty much certain I need to "divorce" him sooner, rather than later. Alas, I think I need to contact him before I kick that process off, because I don't want him flying off the handle when he reads the petition describing him as a Very Bad Man, and then fighting me out of spite. At the moment, he says he wants nothing at all from me. I can't really wait, in case he changes his mind. I'd rather not have anything to do with him for a couple more months yet if I could help it.
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