Author tigressA Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 I thought I could handle this no contact thing but when he called me last night...it was so nice to hear his voice. I felt like it had been months since I last heard it even though it was mere days. I'm not working myself into a tizzy about the possibility of talking with him again. It's likely a one-time thing. I would like it to be more than that, though. Stupid to deny that. I can see myself falling into it all over again. I like to think I would handle it better this time.
carhill Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 How do you feel about loving someone and letting them go? Accepting that those feelings of love, that comfort of hearing their voice, the fluidity of your interaction are positive parts of your life and that the person's totality, meaning the rest of who they are and do, is just not compatible, whether only for now, or forever. It's a process...
pandagirl Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 How do you feel about loving someone and letting them go? Accepting that those feelings of love, that comfort of hearing their voice, the fluidity of your interaction are positive parts of your life and that the person's totality, meaning the rest of who they are and do, is just not compatible, whether only for now, or forever. It's a process... Beautifully put, Carhill! It IS a process. I am still learning to accept my love for my ex, while keeping in mind why we are apart. It's a toughie, but at times, enlightening.
Author tigressA Posted November 11, 2010 Author Posted November 11, 2010 I'm drunk. I have been drinking alone...again. I do this infrequently but it's a very bad habit as I end up doing stupid, stupid things. Like re-friending C on Facebook. He has a really hot new profile picture up...it totally turned me on. Before I started drinking I talked to him again, on Skype. Just an audio call. He called me. Twice. Just like yesterday. Argh. Still nothing about what happened. It's like it never happened at all only that we're not lovey-dovey with each other. He offered to help me with my math placement test I still have yet to finish... THIS IS NOT COPING. I should let this log go if I plan on continuing to act like this. And I kind of do. So I guess this ends here...for now.
Author tigressA Posted November 11, 2010 Author Posted November 11, 2010 Here I am, up early yet again. Raging headache. And I'm now too paranoid and embarrassed to even check my f*cking Facebook.
Author tigressA Posted November 11, 2010 Author Posted November 11, 2010 I know but I don't particularly care about what I need to do. Currently a bit more concerned with what I want to do. He hasn't responded to my request. I wonder if he's seen it and is considering it or hasn't seen it. I don't have much experience in NC. I usually only go for it once I feel I've completely embarrassed myself and there's no recovering from it.
Art_Critic Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Tigress.. If moving on is what you want to do then you really should be cutting those ties rather than trying to make them. That's the reason I asked.. you could be setting yourself up when he does contact you and begs for a 2nd chance, which of course would land you right back in the same spot. Are you banking on him calling you so you can leverage the breakup and the fact you are moving on to get him to make some valiant effort to keep you ? This is my post from another thread of yours before you broke up... I hope this isn't all about trying to get him to wake up and make some move to make you happy because those rarely ever work out and you will be more hurt in the end... Maybe it is time you sat down with yourself and figured out what role you want him to play in your life and then enact a plan to make it happen.. If you see him in your life then work towards that but if you don't then practice NC.. Breakups suck.. and so does heartbreak.. Sorry you are hurting Tigress
Author tigressA Posted November 11, 2010 Author Posted November 11, 2010 I'm not really hurting, at least not right now. I don't want to be broken up anymore. I'm not expecting him to make the moves...I'm working toward rebuilding ties. I don't know if that's what he wants too. Perhaps I should ask before I go any further and find out that he just wants to be friends. This isn't "coping" anymore, really. I'm not posting in this log again unless I have something to cope with--like it really being over between us. And I don't think it is yet.
pandagirl Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Personally, there's something about this guy that doesn't jive. I'm sure he is by all means a nice person, but he seems entirely controlling and doesn't know how to compromise at all. When push comes to shove, it's just: what he wants, when he wants it.
carhill Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Here I am, up early yet again. Raging headache. And I'm now too paranoid and embarrassed to even check my f*cking Facebook. Less alcohol, more hydration. I'll bet the headaches are from dehydration if you've been drinking.
Author tigressA Posted November 11, 2010 Author Posted November 11, 2010 Last night was the first time I had alcohol in about two months. I drink sporadically at best...though doing it solo is a bad habit of mine. Last night it just felt right. Like talking to him has been. There's something that keeps both of us coming back around. At this point I don't have the will, nor the desire to have such will, to resist it.
XxBacktoBlackXx Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Tigress, you crack me up. Well, your plight doesn't at all. I don't mean it in a condescending way. You make me smile because you seriously remind me of things I have done and would do. I have definitely done the cutting someone off thing and then drank and talked to them, added them to Facebook, woke up embarrassed. The one time I have successfully done NC when I really, really needed to was when I had made enough of an ass of myself that frankly, I was too embarrassed to ever talk to that person again. But hey, if that's what it takes, that's what it takes! You're such a beautiful girl, Tigress! Look at your photo. You know you could have a guy wrapped around your finger in five seconds flat. Not in a bad way, in a reciprocating way. One that will treat you as you want to be treated. One who you will actually BE in a relationship with instead of pretending you aren't but both of you acting like boyfriend and girlfriend. Really, you ought to know that!
Author tigressA Posted November 12, 2010 Author Posted November 12, 2010 (edited) I...have a date tomorrow? Yep. Apparently I do. I had reinstated my online profile and was just kind of browsing for fun; I found a guy who intrigued me. I stalked his profile a few times but didn't get any such recognition from him. I saw he was online and said hi. We talked for over an hour on IM (I must admit, my game was SO ON. I was totally hitting those sarcastic, witty remarks out of the park) and he asked me out to dinner for tomorrow night. Then he called me and we talked for another hour and a half. I also got a message on the site yesterday from a guy I had connected with on there months ago, in early spring...we never met up and had lost touch, but something may end up happening there. Who knows. Geez. My mojo is working overtime. I'm impressed, single for less than a week. Edited November 12, 2010 by tigressA
Author tigressA Posted November 12, 2010 Author Posted November 12, 2010 It's really soon. I know that. No one has to tell me that. But one dinner date is very far from a relationship, or even an exclusive dating situation. I'm just going to go tomorrow and have fun. This guy seems cool so far. The conversation flows well and he laughs easily. He seems to have a similar sense of humor to mine, which is nice. Much earlier, in the afternoon, I rescinded my Facebook request (I found out you can do that). I'm going in for my learner's permit test tomorrow afternoon, too. Wish me luck.
Citizen Erased Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Good luck with your test! and have fun.
Author tigressA Posted November 12, 2010 Author Posted November 12, 2010 Still nervous about my test. I'm excited, though. I think I'll pass, if only barely. But barely is just fine, as long as I pass. I'm going to take my time on the answers, use common sense. Maybe I'll be able to take my second road lesson this weekend. I did have my first one last summer, but I was way too nervous. There's something about a piece of paper that says you have a right to be out on the road that will likely make me less nervous. It's just a piece of paper but I still find the idea of having it in my possession while in the driver's seat comforting.
Author tigressA Posted November 12, 2010 Author Posted November 12, 2010 UGH. I love my life, I love my life... Turns out I lost my SS card, which is one of the things I need to apply for my permit/take the knowledge test. We went to the SS office, thinking they'd issue a replacement right there. Instead, I get a stinking receipt telling me that it'll be mailed in TWO WEEKS. Two weeks. I have to wait two more weeks to take this damned test. At least I have more time to study...I should ace the f*cking thing once I get around to it. Two and a half hours until my date. I need to shower.
threebyfate Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Thought I'd drop by to see how you're doing. That sucks about your SS card but hope you're having fun on your date tonight. It's interesting to see that he's contacted you a few times. You're a pretty strong woman.
Author tigressA Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 I had a FANTASTIC time tonight! The most fun I've had in awhile. We really clicked in person. We went to my favorite Vietnamese place for dinner, and then we went bowling--3 games, and he won all of them. We were trash-talking/trying to intimidate each other the whole time; it was really funny. We were laughing so much. He started finding ways to touch me while we were at our game; it was cute. We then went for a short walk around my former campus, which was very cool because I ran into one of my best friends who I haven't seen in months! We got to talking for a bit and then we said our goodbyes when the campus shuttle came; she'd been waiting for it. We sat in his car for a little while, talking and listening to the CD I brought. Then he took me back to my place, parked in the driveway and we made out for over an hour. It was hot. He wants to see me again.
threebyfate Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Whoah! Just what the doctor ordered. A night of fun!
Author tigressA Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 (edited) Whoah! Just what the doctor ordered. A night of fun! It really was the ideal pick-me-up. Not that I needed to be 'picked up'. I have been doing rather well, coping. I was flirting with the idea of a reconciliation since C was contacting me, and I had been feeling a bit hesitant about agreeing to this date, thinking it was too soon. But I truly, deeply realized I can do so, so, so, SO much better than him. This may sound like an exaggeration, or maybe not, but in this one night I feel like I had more fun and much more of a natural (rather than forced) connection than I ever did with C. And that's where the comparisons between the two will stop... I don't want or need to be in a relationship with anyone anytime soon, but just going out with this guy and being reminded that this is supposed to be FUN and not full of stress and drama really shoved that "I am so much better off without him in my life at all" idea into my head, and it's sticking there. Edited November 13, 2010 by tigressA
Author tigressA Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 I'm still keyed up from the make-out session. That was damn hot. He's a great kisser; he has nice full lips. And he likes those long, slow, deep kisses with lots of biting and sucking, like I do. Phwoaaaarrrr. I think he could definitely give me a good tumble.
threebyfate Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 But I truly, deeply realized I can do so, so, so, SO much better than him.Yes, the way that C. treated you wasn't what you needed or in hindsight, wanted. I'm glad this has been hammered home from having a great night out with someone who's fun AND more importantly, not controlling. Too many people fear loss too much, putting up with crappy treatment for no better reason than fear and misplaced martyrdom. The right partner won't make you feel tense, controlled and all around terrible. Being with them makes you feel you can take on the world. Someone who loves you, not for what you can do for them but for who you really are!
Author tigressA Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 I let myself get swept up in C's 'future' BS. I thought that there would be a brilliant future for us if we could get through what was going on in the present. Took some time for me to see that 'we' weren't suffering through the present--only I was. He was perfectly fine with how things were going and would've continued in his behavior toward me if I had stayed. There would be no incentive for him to stop. And I'm not sure he could just stop...he has major issues. I do hope he's happy, though. I know I have been, and will continue to be. I'm excited for what happens next!
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