tigressA Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Now marks the first full day of NC since I ended things with my ex, C. I wondered earlier if I should contact him, but after not too long thinking about it I realized I would just be enabling his selfish behavior. I was exchanging a few messages with our mutual friend, R--and he sent me one earlier tonight, saying that he once again talked with C and the answer he got to his concerns was "too shocking" for him. I can only imagine what it was...so their friendship is shot to hell now too. I dodged a bullet with him. I'm still tempted to reach out to him because he's being self-destructive, but I know that if I chose to get involved again in any form, he would drag me down with him. I know that at this point in his life he is not worthy of me or my care, and he does not know how to maintain a mutually satisfying, healthy relationship, whether romantic or platonic. That's currently what's keeping me going in my resolve.
Leandro Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 It's good that you're starting a log. It will help a lot.
Author tigressA Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 Yes, it'll be nice to have a place to write and use as an outlet...I imagine I'll need it.
Leandro Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Its good to look at in the future and see how much progress you have made.
Author tigressA Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 It's early Tuesday morning...if I were still with him I would be looking forward to Wednesday, as he would be here with me then. But he won't be. It makes me a little sad. I've been waking up much earlier than usual the last few days. I think my upset tends to manifest itself in altering my patterns--for example, sleep. And appetite...I haven't eaten nearly as much as I normally do, and I find what I do eat to lack flavor. I haven't showered in a couple of days but it's not like I have anyone to impress besides myself, and I still look damn good anyway. I still haven't cried since Friday (I ended it Sunday). Haven't even had tears well up. I suppose this is good. I certainly do think I've done more than enough crying.
Leandro Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 i remember those days, about 2 months ago. did shower much, starve myself. I was a mess. You'll be just fine.
Author tigressA Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 I woke up at 9:30. I didn't fall asleep until sometime between 4:30 and 5 A.M. This is ridiculous. I'd think at least I could get a full night's sleep and feel better, but I just have been waking up this last handful of days still feeling kinda crappy and cranky because of hardly any sleep. I'm trying to shun the idea of taking something. I spent the couple of hours before I finally hunkered down and forced myself into a state of slumber talking to a guy on OKCupid. Yeah, I reinstated my profile...hours before I sent C that breakup email. I laughed out loud reading his profile and thought it'd be good to let him know that, so I sent him a message and we bantered on IM. We had a very interesting conversation that involved me closing my eyes for awhile so I couldn't see what he was writing in response to me.
Author tigressA Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 :lmao: Oh, jaysus. C is so totally sleeping in the (river)bed of De Nile...his Gmail status message for today is "It's easy to get away rather than accept them for what they are..." So one of his best friends and I "ran away" from him instead of just accepting him for who he is--a spoiled-rotten, selfish boy. Not even a man, emotionally. A boy.
Cee Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 I'm glad you started a log. You'll look back on this one day and be proud of yourself. It's time to block him from Gchat. I know it hurts, but seeing that green light and his name might trigger you in a weak moment.
Author tigressA Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 I like seeing his status messages calling us out. They amuse me and steel my resolve against him because I see written proof that he still has no intention of changing his ways. He just expects everyone to accept him for what he is even though what he is right now is far from the best that he could be in terms of conducting and keeping healthy, happy relationships. I think fundamentally we're all good people...that we're all capable of being good people and having happy, mutually satisfying relationships, so of course I think that he is a good man deep down. He has many positive traits; he added a lot to my life. But the negatives, and the fact that he is still so in denial about them and refuses to fix them, mar his overall character and make him an undesirable partner/friend.
Author tigressA Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 I have been in this weird funk of sorts...just really "eh". I should have sex. It would make me feel so much better. I haven't had any in 7 weeks at least. I'm thinking of contacting a guy I used to date who lives nearby and having him come over sometime. I happen to know he's still single. I think he could show me a good time for a night...or two...
Author tigressA Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 Perhaps for tomorrow night. That's when C typically would've been here. Or maybe that's a bad idea because I'll just be thinking of him and won't be able to really enjoy what's going on. It might make me feel worse. Perhaps I should have a quiet night of reflection tomorrow and save the booty call for the weekend. Weekend...hm...maybe I could get away for the weekend. A weekend-long booty call. Nice pick-me-up. I'm working on my placement exams for my online classes...I could possibly test out of 2 required classes. I'm going for an associate's degree in paralegal studies. Part of the overall self-improvement bit. This started before C and I ended, though.
Author tigressA Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 WTF, Facebook?! I defriended C Saturday night, yet still his pictures are showing up in that stupid new "Friends' Photo Albums" box. It's like Facebook is telling me I made a mistake. Eff you, Facebook. Eff you!
jerbear Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Get the booty call... forget C... sorry to hear but oh well.... The FB part, yeah, I get those too. Sometimes it just pops up at random places. Someone not related or know the person.
Art_Critic Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 WTF, Facebook?! I defriended C Saturday night, yet still his pictures are showing up in that stupid new "Friends' Photo Albums" box. It's like Facebook is telling me I made a mistake. Eff you, Facebook. Eff you! If you close out the box by clicking the x it will be gone.
Author tigressA Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 That's what I did...something else will probably come back but no point in paying attention to it. He called me a few hours ago. I had deleted his number from my phone entirely but I still recognized it. I didn't pick up. He didn't leave a message. It was difficult to ignore it. I feel a bit stronger now that I did, though.
Art_Critic Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Does he know that you post on LS or know your ID ?
Author tigressA Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 He has absolutely no clue. Why?
Art_Critic Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 He has absolutely no clue. Why? That's great.. I just was wondering if he could see what you were posting in your coping log..
Author tigressA Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 I don't think the stuff here so far is anything compared to past threads.
carhill Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 OP, my compliments on your journal/log. Sometimes typing things out brings clarity. I don't know whether it's applicable or advisable for your situation but something I did after my mom dying recently was turn off my cell phone, merely checking VM's once a day. Business customers still got taken care of and I didn't have the phone 'bothering' me while I was attending to other issues and processing the events. Dealing with the final divorce processes and mom's death at the same time wasn't easy, but privacy and peace and quiet helped a lot. Anyway, hope you work through this. I also thought about random sex, having been celibate for a couple years now, but couldn't bring myself to do something which doesn't agree with my psychology and morals. Still worth a try for you IMO if it matches up OK. Best wishes
Author tigressA Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 Thanks, Carhill. The booty call is starting to sound better and better to me...I haven't talked to the guy in question since we split months ago. It's likely he won't even respond to my contacting him because I initiated the split and he was heartbroken over it. He could still be carrying a bit of a torch for me though. I know it sounds like potential drama and that there's a high chance if it happened he'd become attached to me again and I would have to shake him off again. I feel like it would take less work with this to get what I want rather than wait for a fresh and new prospect with potential to come into view. Sigh. At least I passed my reading/English placement tests for my online course program with flying colors! Nice little high going on now. Time to tackle the math...
Author tigressA Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 Typically at this time I would be looking forward to tomorrow night...now I just hope tomorrow passes quickly. I miss him. He's not going to be here tomorrow or ever again. Knowing that makes me feel lonely. I know I broke up with him because of what I didn't get from him...but I miss what I did have.
Author tigressA Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 Moment of weakness. He called me again...and I picked up. We talked for a good long while...a couple of hours. It seemed weird because it was so easy, so relaxed. There was no talk of what happened. We were just filling each other in on life stuff. He seems to be doing okay, which is good.
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