Understanding the mindset of a cheater: To all x-cheaters. What made you stop?

[Jars]

I cheated because I had feelings for two people.

 

I had known for a while that Tom liked me, but the first time he told me and kissed me I was still surprised, and really touched, because he's quite a shy character. On the way home that night, we held hands.

 

We were both busy with work and he had to go back home for the weekend, so we didn't talk or see each other for a few days. That weekend, I went out clubbing with my other friend Luke. I had liked him for sometime; he was so kind and supportive after my ex broke up with me. Whilst we were drunkenly waiting for a bus, we were hugging to keep warm, and he showed me what an 'eskimo kiss' was. Then as we were rubbing our noses together, our lips brushed, and we were kissing for real, and I didn't stop him. He told a lady waiting at the bus stop with us that 'this is Amy and I really like her'. We slept together when we got back home, but when I left in the morning, I felt like it had never happened.

 

The next day I saw Tom, and we still didn't talk about 'us' but we spent most of our time together (we all study the same course at university). He took things slowly, sending me cute texts the next few days, he hugged me after 3 days, kissed me the second time after another week. And before this kiss, the same thing happened with Luke again. We went out, we used being drunk as an excuse to hook up again. But this time we talked. He told me that he had heard that Tom liked me, and I told him the truth, that I liked him too, and so we told each other that this was the last time we would spend the night together in each other's arms, talking about everything and nothing.

 

Soon afterwards, it was the holidays, and Tom and I skyped each other, he came to see me every week, he was definitely my boyfriend, and my feelings for him developed and deepened so quickly. And yet, after term had started, knowing that we were in an exclusive relationship, I still couldn't stop the way I felt whenever Luke hugged me. The same thing happened a third time, and this time, I couldn't justify my actions because I slept with Luke whilst I was in a relationship with Tom. The terrible thing was, I didn't feel guilty at the time, we told each other that I was really happy with Tom, but that I just had moments with Luke, and when I left his room in the morning, it was as if they had never happened.

 

But as time passed, I did start to feel guilty. I realised that if Tom did the same thing to me, I would be devastated. I realised that the 'moments' I claimed to have with Luke did not justify the way I acted, and that if Sam were to ever find out what I had done to him, then he would never even look at me again. And now, what's different is that I love Tom. I am completely in love with him, and I know that he loves me. I want us to last forever.

 

A few weeks ago, at my birthday party, Luke pulled me to one side and told me that he'd been thinking about us during the summer, and that he wanted to have 'the conversation' with me. I didn't want to have the conversation with him though, because it's irrelevant now. I think my feelings for him will never disappear, we will always be close friends, but I can trust myself around him now, because I love Tom.

 

Looking back at what I've written here, I realise that I would probably not be where I am now if everything had not happened the way it did. I think that if I had not had my moments with Luke, then I would still be unsure of whether I had made the right choice with Tom. This is not to say that what I did was right in any way, I will always feel guilty for cheating, and I will spend the rest of my life making up for it to the person I love.

 

Thank you for giving me somewhere to share this with.

[alexlakeman]

What made me stop? Cash flow... Also, last time I had a g/f, I really liked her, so it didn't make me stop all together, but I limited the cheating very much, extremely limited..

 

As to when I was married, I stopped once I had my children. I started cheating.. when we were dating, though my bachelor's party, and continued when we got back form the honeymoon. I didn't want to gamble getting busted and getting divorced with kids .. Hindsight is 2020 , I still got divorced. It would have been cheaper (not kidding, i've done the math) to just have rented an apartment.. and since I travel so much for business it would've worked out .. My ex wife, never suspected I cheated. I had business credit cards; which I used for my play times, and I had a backup personal c/c.. she found it once and I had her check the transactions and nothing was found .. so her trust level went up to 150% ..

 

with all do respect. I dont belive this. once a cheater always a cheater. I'll never trust anything otherwise.

 

A lot of you women always say that

Edited November 24, 2010 by alexlakeman