just_some_guy Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 The holidays are just around the corner, 3 weeks till (USA) Thanksgiving and then Christmas and New Years not long after. This year, I'm on my own. I really don't feel like celebrating. I'm not moping or feeling sorry for myself, but I just don't want to be around people. My parents are passed away. Brothers and their families are half-way cross the USA and we don't really talk much anyway. I get along with my stbx-w, but I really don't want to get sucked into that. Her birthday falls in between the holidays. I guess a card is in order simply to be polite and show that I do care, even though the marriage is over. I've been on a few dates and suspect I will be invited to join various family celebrations here and there, but honestly, I just want to be on my own. Probably go for a nice long ride if the weather is nice. Is this weird? Is it rude to turn down the invitations and say, "I just want to to be on my own this year?"
The-Zen-Warrior Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 (edited) just_some_guy : You ask the question, if it is weird that you might want to be alone this up and coming Holiday season? Well, only speaking for me, I didn't feel much like hanging out with people during the first year after my divorce. I think what you are going through, mainly about the feelings of not wanting to be around anyone this Holiday, both Thanksgiving and Christmas is normal. One thing I do ask, as a favor, don't be alone 100% of the time this Holiday. Even though you might not feel up to hanging out with people much, we after all are only human, social creatures by nature, get out a little bit and have at least a "taste" of the Holidays. My first Thanksgiving alone went "ok", it was lonely, but I rather cooked myself a fairly good turkey that year. Even made up some instant mashed potatoes and canned gravy, a side of canned mixed vegetables and some cheap wine, it was good. Even close to the three year mark of my divorce being finalized, I still have a difficult time, namely during the Holidays, Christmas especially. I don't miss the ex-wife that much that I would let her come back for Christmas, but that type of companionship, or the concept there of, is what I miss. But with you, your going to be just fine! Take it day by day, sometimes minute by minute, whatever helps you get through this time. And in regards to your soon to be ex-wife's Birthday situation, you hit the nail on the head, when you said something about not getting sucked into it. Remember, your already in a slightly venerable state, don't give into it to much and just let a simple, non verbose card do the trick. If you feel the need to talk about your feelings here, especially during this Holiday season, keep posting and talking here on L.S. There are a lot more qualified people than me to talk to here, all pretty much have traveled your road, and might better know how to help you. Good luck.... Edited November 9, 2010 by The-Zen-Warrior
PWSX3 Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Go help others that don't have it as good as you do, help out at a soup line, help out at a local church, or something like that. You will be amazed at how helping others will make you feel so much better. For Christmas I wasn't going to decorate because I always had to do it for the wife in the past, but then I decided; why not decorate & do it like I would like it done.....It wasn't much just a few lights & a small tree, but it was what I wanted.... I know it's VERY hard to get out with others, but it's also the best medicine being with others in a "group" setting. I wouldn't suggest going to a families house, but do something with singles like at church, or a party from work or group sitting.
You Go Girl Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 To thine own self be true. If you feel the most peaceful thing you could do for yourself on Christmas day is to take a drive down the coast and enjoy the scenery, then by all means do exactly that. Family can be complicated, the dynamics of the relationships, the baggage. You might be at a place right now that you need space from all that. Or...you might not. It might be just what you need--to spend time with your family and enjoy the quirks and eccentricities that have partially made you who you are today, and to enjoy watching those quirks, imperfections, and the like, play out in others, those you love. When is family baggage, or too much stimulation, and when it is accepting humanity and where we came from with all its flaws from for what it is and loving it anyway? Only you know
HopelessinDTW Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Sometimes you just need to be alone to clear your head. Some people need others around them to distract themselves from feeling what's deep inside. It's tough to be "happy & jolly" when deep inside yuo are just not there. do whatever makes you comfortable, but DO NOT be alone for too long. And don't get into the alcohol....
drewsmom Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 It must be so hard for those with no children. I have a 6 yr old so I have to decorate. Christmas is my favorite holiday and while I am sure it will be a sad one I am going on as usual. every yr I have at least two trees up, usually 4 but this yr I am giving stbx one for his house, son needs one there to. I decorate usually right after halloween. And this yr isnt any different, my house already looks like a department store, yes I know I am early but it always makes me happy. And luckily my son is taking after me. the first thing he does when he gets up is put the christmas tree on and the music, and we sing and dance. I will admit it was strange not hanging stbxh stocking, I bagged it up and when he came to get son, I handed it to him, I think it was strange for him to as he mumbled something when i said heres your stocking and seen all the decorations up. I am sure it is hard for everyone around the holidays. I am sure i will have a moment when i need to go into another room to have a good cry, away from my son. but were all human. holidays are tough, I am not gonna change mine this yr because he left though. I am having my brother and his family over for dinner and my other family will come later for dessert, I love cooking the holiday dinner and wouldnt have it anyother way. I hope you can find someone to spend a little time with as family is very important around the holidays. It might keep your mind busy being around people. good luck.
tobydog Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Drewsmom I am feeling the exact same way....I am a bad mum for not decorating the house for Hallowe'en. Usually for Christmas we get a big real tree, this year I will get a small growing one and not put as much stuff up. What a tragedy and mess for us all........hugs to you, maybe we can help each other out......xxx
drewsmom Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Tobydog, Dont ever say you are a bad mom. its a terrible thing to go through. I am getting through it by doing the same things i did while i was married. I think you misunderstood my post. I ALREADY have my house decorated. my son and I decorated all weekend. it looks beautiful, it makes me happy to see the house done and my son beaming, and even happier that my stbx walked in the house the otherday and was probably shocked that i decorated at all, thinking I was not going to be into the holidays like i was because he left. hell no. I wont change anything i used to do. if he dont want to be here thats fine i will survive, i wont stop living, I think I pretty much suprised him throughout the whole thing, I never stopped doing the things i used to, my son and i were out doing things all summer long. 3 months after he left i called him told him i was taking son to disney and he was paying, he was flabbergasted, we went and had a ball. I wasnt about to lay down and die cause he didnt want me, I had a son to take care of and to show my son i was his security and i would always be there for him no matter what was thrown at me. and my son is perfectly fine because of it. tomorrow we have reservations at a hotel my son and i that is, to go stay and swim. gotta get out of the cold here and at least feel like its summer again. so i am moving on. like i said the holidays will be sad but its not the end of the world, we will all survive, it takes time. So get that big tree you always get and celibrate like you used to. just remember when you look in your childs eyes and see the excitement in them how worth it, it will be.
Author just_some_guy Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 It doesn't seem hard to me, I actually feel positive about being on my own. I hate to say it, perhaps even looking forward to it.
trippi1432 Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Eh Tobydog...you are not a bad mom...life is hard hun. The last Christmas I had at home two years ago was a "Martha Stewart" Christmas with decorations all around and a feast to go with....last year, it was two weeks in Florida riding motorcycles and this year will be my first without my son in 15 years. You WILL adapt as your life adapts....you will follow traditions that your children want and that you know...if you skip a year because of what you are going through...don't ever beat yourself up for it. We are all blessed for having the people we love and love us back in our lives...children, family and friends.
MemphisMan Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 I feel for you. I find my depression (which I am seeing a professional this week for the 1st time) getting worse seeing all the xmas merchandise hitting the stores. Do I want to put up a tree for my kids? I wouldn't if it were just me. Do I go all out? Holidays have clearly changed.
OneFootOut Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 The holidays are just around the corner, 3 weeks till (USA) Thanksgiving and then Christmas and New Years not long after. This year, I'm on my own. I really don't feel like celebrating. I'm not moping or feeling sorry for myself, but I just don't want to be around people. My parents are passed away. Brothers and their families are half-way cross the USA and we don't really talk much anyway. I get along with my stbx-w, but I really don't want to get sucked into that. Her birthday falls in between the holidays. I guess a card is in order simply to be polite and show that I do care, even though the marriage is over. I've been on a few dates and suspect I will be invited to join various family celebrations here and there, but honestly, I just want to be on my own. Probably go for a nice long ride if the weather is nice. Is this weird? Is it rude to turn down the invitations and say, "I just want to to be on my own this year?" It's not rude at all. It might be easier to just smile and say no thanks, I've already made plans. Maybe you wouldn't feel stuck having to explain yourself to everyone. And Kudos to you about sending the ex a card, I didn't even get that when I was married. I'm a bit different about the holidays.. I have 2 small children with me and always do my best for them. My ex walked out rather suddenly and I am still struggling to get on my feet. I lost my house a few months ago, and that was like getting the rug jerked out from under me yet again. I ended up having to move to another state, because it was the only option I had at the time. I am the only stability my kids have right now, and making a big deal out of the holidays and birthdays helps make things feel better than they are in reality. I just posted about being so lonely.. I try to keep it inside and put on a smile for the kids, but I would love to have another adult around to talk to and have fun with. Maybe it will just be us again this year.. but I will make it as wonderful a time as I can, that's what mom's do
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