Has anyone experienced this?

[Lauriebell82]

You don't seem to feel that this relationship is wrong. Do you? Does he? I'm guessing he doesn't, because he sounds like a big manipulator, the idea that he is a "traditional guy." If he really WAS traditional he wouldn't be cheating..you know that whole "I promise to be faithful to you" vow that he took.

 

I guarantee that if he did leave his wife and marry you, he would be finding ANOTHER OW to satisfy him. He has to have some kind of "fantasy life" that does not include the responsiblities of being a husband and father.

Edited November 12, 2010 by Lauriebell82

[awkward]

Have you tried philanderers.com? They might have a couple members that are more like the audience you are looking for.

 

You appear to be very analytical about MM's situation. Unfortunately, the only one you will ever truly be able to understand is your own and that will take a lot of hard work. I hope the counseling helps you with that.

 

If you divorced your husband today, do you think that there is a chance that five years from now you could be here looking for reasons that MM won't leave his wife? I know this thread is about MM and his situation. But my advice is to first figure out your marriage and your situation before worrying about his.

 

Also, have you cooled the friendship with his wife?

[fooled once]

I appreciate all the responses, but I'm not looking for sympathy here. I'm also not looking for someone to tell me this guy thinks "I'm special." This post really isn't about ME or my relationship with this person. I really am interested in hearing more about his perspective from anyone (male or female) who has been in his shoes. By that, I mean someone who is a bit of a romantic and kind of rushed into the "fairytale" marriage at a young age, both to escape some harsh realities in their families, and in hopes of creating the "perfect" American dream for themselves. Have any of you been here? Five or ten or fifteen years later, realizing you missed out by seeking the comfort of marriage and missing out on growing in some other way?

 

I married at 22, became a mother at 24. I rushed into marriage because I wanted to start a life and become a wife and mom. We had a HUGE Catholic wedding. Thought we would be married forever.

 

Then reality set it.

 

I never cheated on my now xH. We divorced after 9 years of marriage. I married way too young.

 

Now, I am remarried - HAPPILY married and know without a doubt, I will love my H until the day I die. I have no desire for anyone else and each day I celebrate how lucky I am to be with him and how blessed my life has been. If I die today, I die with no regrets and my H will never wonder if I loved him because I tell him all the time.

 

Not sure what answers you are looking for.

[Jane Deaux]

I second this and have said this.

 

she doesn't seem to want to focus on the wrong she is doing...she wants to know whats in the MM's head. and my response is, who cares? OM/OW forum will care much more about this than the ones in this forum.

 

When you are in a part of a support site that, as you say, is geared more towards the "victims" of such actions, then nobody really gives a hoot about what the MM is thinking when the real question is...."what are you going to do to do right by your husband?"

 

 

 

On the OM/OW forums there are also victims expressing their insight as well as their insults to the OM/OW posters...

Edited November 12, 2010 by Jane Deaux
quote.

[michelangelo]

Again, not an excuse for his behavior, but he hasn't said a bad word about her. I can't either, given how guilty I feel about this situation.

 

You make this sordid situation sound so noble.

 

I took on a lot of responsibility at a young age and I'm savvy enough to not talk smack about the wife if that's what it takes to get the knickers off. Any takers?

 

Didn't think so.

 

Why is that? Because I'm making it sound as crude and starkly common as it is for most cheaters?

 

Go read LeAnn Rimes going on and on about what she did. I fully expect that either she or the new guy will be doing the dance again inside of five years.

[Dexter Morgan]

On the OM/OW forums there are also victims expressing their insight as well as their insults to the OM/OW posters...

 

only victims in an OW/OM situations are the betrayed spouses and OW/OM that did not know the person they were seeing are married.

 

otherwise, the OW/OM are in no way, shape, or form, victims.

[Mimolicious]

I posted this in the OM/OW forum and got some great insight, but they also suggested I post here since most of them are "single" and haven't been in this situation themselves. I'm curious as to whether anyone has been in HIS shoes:

 

Okay, so in the course of sorting out this tangled web, I told MM that I don't believe we cheat unless something is missing in our current relationships. Unless, of course, MM/MW is just bored or looking for something new and exciting, which is an issue with the individual, not the relationship, per se.

 

In my case, I've wondered if it's just me. My SO is incredible and we have a great relationship, but I've never felt a connection like I felt with MM even before we started this and I admitted to myself I had actual feelings for him. There's nothing "wrong" with my relationship, but MM and I immediately connected on such a deep level that our conversations made no sense to anyone else...we finish eachother's sentences, and can convey entire paragraphs with two words, a look, and a few nods.

 

What it comes down to is this: he has always loved her and they get along, but he never considered alternatives or took any risks. They married because that was the only way their families would accept them living together, and neither wanted to move back home to somewhat difficult homes after college. They don't have true marital issues. When I posed the question, I expected him to be introspective, and told him I didn't expect a response, but he should think about it...if only to figure out why he's with me now.

 

Nothing drove him from her and to me. The first time we kissed, I saw in his eyes that he was as shocked as I was by that momentary lapse of reason.

 

Has anyone (male or female) been through this? He was just a very traditional guy who married his high school sweetheart because he loved her and that was the logical next step. He never got bored with her, but also never dated anyone else or experienced anything like what we have...in all fairness, in years of dating great guys, neither have I...

 

While we're experiencing the same thing in that sense, I arrived to this relationship through such a different route that I'm just trying to see his perspective. If anyone has been through what he has, I'd really love to hear your thoughts on it.

 

 

I actually stopped reading after the bolded. You will be in for a huge surprise when in a few years reality settles in and the "sparks", "Lust" and this supernatural connection fades and you are left with a stale R. Sounds like you have intoxicated yourself with a feeling. Good luck!

[Mimolicious]

 

Again, I didn't present the situation quite correctly. They do love one another, and did then too. I was just conveying a deeper problem for him (if not her too): they moved quickly at a young age because it was easier than dealing with their home situations. My brother and his wife got married at the same age, and the situation was parallel but different in this regard: they knew they needed to experience life separately to some extent. They were never nearly as dependent on one another, and actively sought very separate social lives in college. I can't convey the subtle nuances that make these two relationships so very different, but suffice it to say, they're much happier and more sure of themselves and one another today.

 

I appreciate all the responses, but I'm not looking for sympathy here. I'm also not looking for someone to tell me this guy thinks "I'm special." This post really isn't about ME or my relationship with this person. I really am interested in hearing more about his perspective from anyone (male or female) who has been in his shoes. By that, I mean someone who is a bit of a romantic and kind of rushed into the "fairytale" marriage at a young age, both to escape some harsh realities in their families, and in hopes of creating the "perfect" American dream for themselves. Have any of you been here? Five or ten or fifteen years later, realizing you missed out by seeking the comfort of marriage and missing out on growing in some other way?

 

Sorry to say but you make no sense. You want someone here to give you the answer that in fact your want to get from your MM? you said it yourself, that when you ask him what is "wrong", he has no answer.

 

And your whole fairytale stuff (above). The script can be flipped. He or you may wake up from affairyland in harsh reality. Waking up realizing that seeking out for the comfort of a headnobbing-sentence-finishing-one-of-a-kind-feeling A missed out on growing in a M.

 

[Mimolicious]

I thought they didn't have true marital issues. They have a problem. They can't openly communicate with each other.

 

 

HOW CAN THEY if

 

We chat intermittently all day at work, and at night after our SOs go to sleep. We talk about everything,

 

 

???????????????????

 

I got an idea. Why dont you introduce your H to your OM's W? Hey! You never know... Maybe they deserve someone that they can talk to all theyday and night because from the sounds of it, they are being neglected. What a shame.

 

BTW- I am single now, your H good-looking?

 

Unreal.

 

Hone, sounds to me like you are "in-love" with an idea or a screen name. Sounds too Danielle Steel'ish. I can bet my house that once he is all yours, even his dirty socks will get on your nerves.

[Minnie09]

There is no way people here on this forum can give you what you're looking for: insight as far as MM's M and general situation and his ways of thinking are concerned. Nobody here knows him, and all we have is your description of his life and M. And your description is biased, it's even double-biased (as a result of what he wants to tell you and how he wants you to perceive his situation, and as a result of your own wishful thinking).

 

IF what you say is true and you can openly discuss everything with your AP, then you should be upfront with him and ask him for some clear insight into his situation. That's really the best you can do, and I still doubt that what you'll get is the full truth.