eminembnja Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 After browsing this and other relationship sites, I've come to realize that my situation is actually pretty common. Nevertheless, I'd like to share and solicit opinions regarding specifics that may change the equation. Backstory: I dated my ex for about two years. We are in our late 20s. She was always the insecure one in the relationship, constantly saying things like "please don't leave me" without provocation. I'll mention that she has a troubled past (abuse and cheating), not because I think that explains everything, but because I suspect it has SOME bearing. I've let a pretty normal, some might even say boring life. Maybe that's also part of the problem. Throughout our relationship, the ex showed a propensity for dishonesty. She flirted with other men, but I don't know if it was because she was cheating on me, because she needs attention, or just because she's oblivious to how things may look. At the risk of sounding naive, I don't think she ever cheated on me if only because she was (or claimed to be) absolutely terrified of losing me, and she knew that if it ever came out that she cheated on me, it would be over. I'm actually a pretty open minded person in general about different sexual lifestyles, but I can't abide outright cheating. She came very close to the line of what I'm comfortable with, though, and part of me thinks I should have just ended it then. However, I was in love and you know how that goes. Eventually we moved in together and life was pretty great overall. Unless she was lying, we agreed about this. However, she recently moved across the country for a job. Obviously, this is a warning sign, but it's not like I asked her to stay. I thought we could handle a limited-time long distance relationship. Unfortunately, things immediately went downhill. She was miserable without me. I believe this, if only the fact that she was miserable without a security blanket. I saw her a couple weeks later and it came out that she was attracted to another guy. At that point I asked if she wanted to see other people and she said no. Of course, she wouldn't want me seeing other people. But she was confused about her feelings. After another two weeks, we met again. This is where it gets cliche. She said she wants to see other people, but that she loves me, but she wasn't sure if she was in love with me, and that she can't stop thinking about me and cries every day, and that I deserve someone better. But ultimately, she couldn't reconcile her love for me with her attraction to other people. It's worth noting that I don't think she's talking about just sexual attraction (which as far as I'm concerned is normal... you can't help being attracted to hot people) but also some kind of emotional attraction that would prevent her from being "mine". Of course I'm not new to love so I took it as best I could and knew that I couldn't fight it. I was very hurt, but I can't make myself mad at her for something she can't control (how she feels about others). Maybe if she took active steps to kindle another relationship I would have grounds for anger, but I don't know if that's the case. She was mature and said she knew it wouldn't be fair to ask me to wait, but still asked me not to completely count her out. I said I couldn't promise anything, but obviously still wanted to be together. Pretty standard, but here's the rub: First, she is very dependent on me and wants to talk all the time. Most standard advice would say to completely cut off contact, but I think that would be cruel. Yes, I need to protect my own heart, but she is having a hard time in a new place, and as far as I can tell is depressed. My current plan is to accept contact only in "emergencies". If that gets abused, then I can reconsider. Second, she still has a lot of stuff at my place. I'm not just going to throw it in a pile and burn it, but I also don't really think it's fair for me to have to deal with it. At the same time, something has to be done because it reminds me of her and will make it hard to move on. She also gets mail at my place. I really don't know what else to do other than stuff it in some corner until she can pick it up. Ok, that was long. Any suggestions? Assuming I can't make her come back, is there anything I should avoid that would push her farther away and at the same time protect myself? Even if she did someday change her mind, can I really ever trust her again? I plan to go back to my normal dating habits, but I wasn't really a prolific dater to begin with, so I'm not sure if that will really help take my mind off things.
bl22 Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 This sounds very very simarlar to my situation to be fair. Going through this myself, currently on NC, but i sense she will spring up somewhere in the near future and try and get me to 'talk' It seems like shes playing you and has lost respect for you which you need to regain. Work on yourself for now and get happy again whilst single, maybe she'll realise what she's lost.
Author eminembnja Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 bl22: Read your post, and it does sound similar. But maybe it's one of those things where people tend to pick and choose the aspects that they can relate to. Anyways, I have a question: Why do they always cry??? In every similar story I've read, the girl in in tears and is inconsolable. Uh, hello, I'm the one being dumped here. I guess it's the cognitive dissonance of thinking she's a good person but knowing she's hurting you? And that's why they try to give us hope, because they want to feel like a better person? I'm still new to the site, so maybe all of this is answered. Maybe I'll reconsider contact (NC). I understand it can be a crutch they use to move on to the next guy. But at the same time, I wonder why she'd ever want me back if she forgets why she loves me so much. I guess I'll read more, but go minimal right now.
bl22 Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Yeah when she told me she 'may' have feelings for someone else, she broke down crying in front of me. I was shocked, hurt, pissed off but i didnt cry. It didnt really sink in what she said until few days later when I tried txting her and she was cold with me, telling me she wants space and to 'forget about her please' WTF NC is the only way trust me, after the initial break up id look at her fb with all her pictures of us, happy memories and it was just painful to see. a week later she deleted ALL of our pictures, just so many great times just gone. I havent text or tried to talk to her in like 4/5 weeks now, best thing is just concentrate on yourself, dont eat junk food, join a gym if you can and begin reinventing yourself. Im sure youve had time to analyze what would 'could have done' in the relationship and where you may have went wrong, nows the time to address them and reinvent yourself, become a new, better looking ,better dressed more well respected you and you'll give yourself the best chance of them either coming back, or you finding a new love. At the end of the day, they've got to live with the guilt, not me...and although pictures may be deleted, memories cant.
cerridwen Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 (edited) "Assuming I can't make her come back, is there anything I should avoid that would push her farther away and at the same time protect myself?" I don't think you should avoid pushing her away. You don't need to be cruel about it but rather, be straight forward and tell her you want to limit contact so you can begin getting closure. Tell her if she's stuck on the highway she can call or if she needs bail money, etcetera. Ask her to come get her things and when you interact, be nice (so you later don't suffer guilt) but be clear that any more contact is for emergencies. She is wanting it both ways. She wants the reassurance that there's a Fall Back Guy while she gingerly ventures forward with a new interest. I used to do this myself. For your sake, you need to avoid playing that role (unless you're a glutton for punishment). She won't die without you. She will experience an important life lesson; the one about wanting to have your cake... I suggest coming to grips with your real motivations. You may need to admit you don't want to push her away not because you're concerned for her well being, but because you're harboring hope for a reconciliation. If that's the case, do you really want to be with someone who is so flaky? What would your life look like? You'd likely be always waiting for the "other shoe to drop" and have her suddenly break things off again because some guy intrigues her. She simply doesn't sound like relationship material at this point. "Even if she did someday change her mind, can I really ever trust her again?" I would not trust her unless a significant amount of time has gone by wherein she's proved to you she's matured and is trustworthy. If this happens, it will be your capacity for trust that will determine if it can work. If she stays immature, I can all but guarantee this will happen again. Edited November 9, 2010 by cerridwen forgot something
iamawesome Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 (edited) eminembnja if it makes you feel better I've had success with NC three times (maybe going on 4 now). All my ex's came back to me, I ended up turning them all down because after NC I realized I outgrew them and they weren't really the best fit for me. I've dodged some mario-sized bullets thanks to this. Honestly, NC is about adapting to change and regaining an objective mindset. If she has to be reminded of why she loves you, then I am sorry my friend, she is not for you. Most people only realize the value in something after they lose it. So NC is pretty much a win/win situation. One outcome is she never comes back and you have moved on with your life. The other outcome is she comes back and you get to decide if you want to move on or get back together. I think you will really learn new things about yourself and you may end up like me, not wanting her back. Harboring hope for a reconciliation will only hinder your progress and is counter-productive. Like cerridwen said, do not allow yourself to get grey-zoned. Edited November 9, 2010 by iamawesome
bl22 Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 eminembnja if it makes you feel better I've had success with NC three times (maybe going on 4 now). All my ex's came back to me, I ended up turning them all down because after NC I realized I outgrew them and they weren't really the best fit for me. I've dodged some mario-sized bullets thanks to this. Honestly, NC is about adapting to change and regaining an objective mindset. If she has to be reminded of why she loves you, then I am sorry my friend, she is not for you. Most people only realize the value in something after they lose it. So NC is pretty much a win/win situation. One outcome is she never comes back and you have moved on with your life. The other outcome is she comes back and you get to decide if you want to move on or get back together. I think you will really learn new things about yourself and you may end up like me, not wanting her back. Harboring hope for a reconciliation will only hinder your progress and is counter-productive. Like cerridwen said, do not allow yourself to get grey-zoned. them 3 times where they came back, how long of NC was it before they finally came back?
iamawesome Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 (edited) Honestly, one month has been the magic number for ex's initiating contact for me. I usually tell them they were right about ending things and I realize how awesome life is etc. The following 2-3 weeks they get a bit more aggressive in their pursuits. Don't go marking your calendar though Edit: I should mention they never came back because I rejected them. In most cases 2-3 months of full NC is what I needed to get over a long-term relationship. I'm actually really good friends with my ex's now. We hang out lots, 1 is single the other two in committed relationships. I laugh at the idea of ever dating these crazies now, but they are still good friends. With my first ex, it was 3 months NC and we gave it another shot and it ended in flames. NC again and one month later she called me and I wasn't interested. Edited November 9, 2010 by iamawesome
Author eminembnja Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 It's been two days and she's already sent me a ton of text messages and an email saying she doesn't want to break up. In this case, I understand that reconciliation really shouldn't happen anytime soon. So how does that play into NC? Do I ignore even if she's begging? Do I just say that I'm not ready?
bl22 Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 It's been two days and she's already sent me a ton of text messages and an email saying she doesn't want to break up. In this case, I understand that reconciliation really shouldn't happen anytime soon. So how does that play into NC? Do I ignore even if she's begging? Do I just say that I'm not ready? my ex did that for about a week after we broke up, everytime i said ok lets work things out she'd feed me a ton of excuses as to why we cant work out. So id say fine then leave me alone, then she'd be like 'but i want to work things out!!! i dont want to lose you!' women are confusing, if shes anything like mine she will change her mind the minute you say ok lets work things out
Author eminembnja Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 I guess I'm realizing that I don't really want her back... at least not if it's going to be the same. She asked again to talk, so we did. I told her that she should work on herself, and tried to suggest therapy in the most polite way possible. I mentioned that people say you have to love yourself before you can truly love others, and she admitted that she doesn't really love herself. I guess my plan now is to just be her friend. I'm not going to go out of my way to contact her, but I'm not going to ignore her messages. Yes, a small part of me hopes for reconciliation some day, but I am 100% sure that she could not convince me to get back together anytime soon. I am almost looking forward to moving on, but maybe I am fooling myself. If it turns out to be harder than I though, I'll always have NC as an option. It's a lot easier that she lives across the country. Not much will really change anyways... if she wants to visit me she can, but I'm not going to visit her. We'll be less lovey-dovey on they phone, but that's fine with me. If communication eventually tapers off, that's fine too... she's always needed far more communication than I have. Assuming this plan does not adversely affect me, do you think it's right for her? Part of me thinks that LC will slow her progress more than mine. Maybe it's not fair to allow a simple friendship when she still hopes for reconciliation (even though she broke it off, I think it's harder on her at the moment).
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