let me play a violin for the cheater

[Fieldsofgold]

love is a verb, not a noun.

 

Its not some magical, mysterious force..That's passion, lust, desire. And that kinda feeling has a shelf life of about 2 years, give or take. Love, the kind that most people want, is a choice, a conscious, daily choice, a commitment that is made every day. So I disagree with those of you who say you can't help who you fall in love with. Yes you can.

 

And as someone who has been both a BS and a victim of DV and lost a child, no, they are not the same, but they are similar in that they change you, they all cause so much pain and destruction that life is never the same.

 

Excellent post!

[Mimolicious]

love is a verb, not a noun.

 

Its not some magical, mysterious force..That's passion, lust, desire. And that kinda feeling has a shelf life of about 2 years, give or take. Love, the kind that most people want, is a choice, a conscious, daily choice, a commitment that is made every day. So I disagree with those of you who say you can't help who you fall in love with. Yes you can.

 

And as someone who has been both a BS and a victim of DV and lost a child, no, they are not the same, but they are similar in that they change you, they all cause so much pain and destruction that life is never the same.

 

This felt like a brick.

 

To be honest, (cant say much details on here) I've experienced both. Call me crazy, but because I was able to walk away from the DV in a flash, it's a distant memory and far less painful than all the mental abuse that I endured during my M. That's just my sitch.

 

I felt like I can physically defend myself back more than I was able to pick up my shattered heart. I told my xH this once. That I would have rather been smacked around (like my xbf) did than all the lying and harsh words that came from him. Strange. Regardless, I refuse to be involved in anything that resembles either one of these past 2 R. I now know better.

 

Cheaters may be out for instant gratification. I don't participate in half-assed R. I was already in a half-assed M. No thank you!

[Dexter Morgan]

She would never "break it off", with me, and she is so much better of a person, that even you might like her:D You obviously mis-read my posts. BTW I have never made any excuses, just given different persectives as "food for thought", about this issue.

 

no, I didn't misread your posts. you were pissed off at her, you DID make excuses for her initially blaming her cheating on her husband, then when it looked as if she wanted to keep her marrige, you did a 180.

 

NOW, according to your posts, she is back and everything is hunky dory. In other words, she was worthless when it looked as if she didn't want you, now that she is leaving/left her marriage, she is ok again?

 

If the latter is the case, then ok...but geez, give us the real freakin' story for a change. and also completely explains your defense of cheaters making the assumptions that somehow they must be abused, although I'm not denying that in some cases that is the situation.

Edited November 16, 2010 by Dexter Morgan

[wheelwright]

BS are under a bus whatever happens, through no fault of their own. If a BS kicks a WS out then the WS can't claim they were pushed under a bus; they jumped under the damn bus themselves, when they f**ked someone else.

 

Good point, but I would dispute the fault aspect. Most times there is a disconnect that the BS is part of.

 

It's like being pushed in front of a milk float.

 

And they can always say after that they never meant to hurt you by it.

[wheelwright]

YS, I completely agree with your post. We all make our own choices. Which is why I hate it when people rationalize or excuse their own bad behaviors and choices. Own up. If you made a bad choice or wrong decision man up and try to make it right. Lord knows, you really can't change what you have already done. But, you can try to make reparations.

 

I chose to have my A.

 

I Loved xMOM but felt blown away after he threw me over.

 

I care about my H.

 

I don't understand your ideas of reparations. For the betrayal yes. For loving another (a greater crime in M). I still don't know if it was a bad choice, though I would not make it again.

 

How can you repay?

 

I say this because I wonder if there is a place on the infidelity boards for such as me?

 

You have to be a reconciling WS or a WS or a fWS in a new life or a WS making the decision.

 

What about the WS who has made the decision but isn't able to fully reconcile but who for many reasons isn't able to easily change that?

 

I find myself at the bottom of the pile.

 

Oh well, I can see the stars from here.

[Fieldsofgold]

I chose to have my A.

 

I Loved xMOM but felt blown away after he threw me over.

 

I care about my H.

 

I don't understand your ideas of reparations. For the betrayal yes. For loving another (a greater crime in M). I still don't know if it was a bad choice, though I would not make it again.

 

How can you repay?

 

I say this because I wonder if there is a place on the infidelity boards for such as me?

 

You have to be a reconciling WS or a WS or a fWS in a new life or a WS making the decision.

 

What about the WS who has made the decision but isn't able to fully reconcile but who for many reasons isn't able to easily change that?

 

I find myself at the bottom of the pile.

 

Oh well, I can see the stars from here.

 

No, you are not at the bottom of the pile. You're just dealing with a lot of conflict, while trying to do what you believe is the right thing. You're still sorting through and grappling. And you are being honest about it.

 

I've never had an affair, so I don't know what you're dealing with. I can't really relate to where you're at, and I doubt if I would have any beneficial advice. But I will lend you my acronym if it will help.

 

FoG

[wheelwright]

No, you are not at the bottom of the pile. You're just dealing with a lot of conflict, while trying to do what you believe is the right thing. You're still sorting through and grappling. And you are being honest about it.

 

I've never had an affair, so I don't know what you're dealing with. I can't really relate to where you're at, and I doubt if I would have any beneficial advice. But I will lend you my acronym if it will help.

 

FoG

 

Thanks for bolded, it means something.

 

And you made me laugh with the final comment. It's always good to laugh

[wheelwright]

BS are under a bus whatever happens, through no fault of their own. If a BS kicks a WS out then the WS can't claim they were pushed under a bus; they jumped under the damn bus themselves, when they f**ked someone else.

 

Don't especially like the idea of fault, as it is so subjective and complex.

 

Agree there is some jumping under for WSs. That's why they did it.

 

Unless they are sex addicts or sadists.

 

Or cake eaters.

 

Or psychopaths.

 

Or too unhappy to make clear life choices.

 

Or dissatisfied with the run of the mill cultural expectations they are faced with.

 

Or bored.

 

Or lonely.

 

Or sexually frustrated.

 

Or reaching out.

 

Or in need of intimacy in a profound way.

 

Then again, that's why they jumped.

[harmfulsweetz]

I think each person who posts to LS is in pain, and in need of support. Now, support comes in various guises and forms-some people give the virtual hugs, and well-wishes, others give kind words of advice and wisdom, and others dish out a cold, hard slap of reality. They are all supportive, but sometimes, the OP isn't willing/ready to handle such advice and can only take the advice that they feel is agreeable to them. This ISN'T wrong or bad, because if I'm in a bad place at that time, either by my own choices or someone else's, the last thing I'll want to hear is someone being nasty to me. It's human nature, sometimes we just need to be cuddled and told it'll all be alright in the end, even if it's a lie.

 

There are times when I read the advice on here and find it slightly harsh, but I know sometimes that's just the poster's manner, and the intentions behind the words are pure. We all need a heavy dose of reality at times and to be told we are being inconsiderate, selfish d-bags who could do with a proverbial slap or two.

 

In saying that, I think when responding to a question, you should try to remain as unbiased as possible, not allowing your own experiences taint your post. Think about it: There's an OW/OM say, they are distraught, in need of guidance and really hurting over what their MM/MW is doing, the lies, the deceit, the constant wondering will they ever?- they post here in a state. This person is at a low ebb, granted they made the choices, and got themselves to this point (not by themselves may I add) the last thing they really need is someone trampling on their already trampled on feelings. You can be honest, without being a pr*ck about it. (I'm not accusing anyone of being such but it does happen). Likewise, you can be honest and still be supportive. Judge the OPs as individuals, read their situations and their feelings, take it all into account, and then decide if you can post honestly without being too much of an ass about it.

 

LS welcomes people in near all situations, BS's, WS's, OW/OMs, etc, and promises to provide support for all those people. Yet, I've seen a lot of posters recoil at the backlash they receive, and this isn't because they can't take an honest bit of advice. It's how it is dished out, it is dished out like they are murderers, theives, as low as scum. These people often never post again, having never received actual help.

 

However, I do think people need to own their actions and their choices. I've cheated in the past, and I own that. No one made that decision for me but myself-I could offer up a world of excuses, but it comes down to this: I was selfish and immature, nothing more, nothing less. I thought only of myself, and I do believe a person wouldn't cheat, if they truly loved their partner. You can't bear the thought of hurting those you love, so why would you?

 

Being accountable is always important, you make your own choices in this world, and if you make a bad one, prepare for the consequences. But like a real life friend, regardless of what they do (unless it's illegal i.e.paedophilia) I will support them, and be honest, but try to be kind. It's not about getting the violins out, it's about human compassion, and not making someone feel even worse than they already do. Each and every person makes choices, and every person on LS has made bad ones at times (we're all here, right? ) and sometimes we hurt others in those choices. In hindsight, we may look back and wish we'd never done it, but hindsight is a b*tch at times as well as a blessing.

 

Right now, I think I've just slept with a man who is otherwise unavailable. I don't know for sure, but I have my suspicions. When I slept with him, I didn't have a clue. I feel terrible if that is the case, what a crappy thing to do to someone? I would feel incredibly stupid, and conned, as well as enormously guilty. I just hope for his sake I'm wrong in my doubts.

[East7]

I'm sorry, but I just accept that line of reasoning. Perhaps if someone was a six year old child, I might except it as an excuse, but not in an adult.

 

As an adult one has to make choices about how they will act upon their impulses. While it is true that we do not choose who we develop feelings for, it most certainly IS NOT true that we can't control how we act upon those feelings. We are able to make a choice, and we have to live with the consequences of the choices we make.

 

For example, if I don't like what someone is doing/saying and I have the impulse to go and give them a good poke with a sharp pin, that doesn't mean that I have no control on how I act upon that impulse. I make the choice to wait until the feeling passes, walk away or ask them to stop.

 

Just think about what would happen if we all thought that it was okay to act on every feeling we had because "we have no control over them". Not a pleasant thought.

 

Yeah soooo easy to give lessons...

 

Actually you don't plan to fall in love with someone married. It happens like 2 normal people who start to talk and there is a kind of "flirting-friendship" which eventually leads to feelings and EA/PA. It happens so fast that you don't even realize you are already in.

You can't understand if you have never been involved with someone married.

One thing is for sure, once you have experienced it, you are done forever. Never again married partners.

[bentnotbroken]

Yeah soooo easy to give lessons...

 

Actually you don't plan to fall in love with someone married. It happens like 2 normal people who start to talk and there is a kind of "flirting-friendship" which eventually leads to feelings and EA/PA. It happens so fast that you don't even realize you are already in.

You can't understand if you have never been involved with someone married.

One thing is for sure, once you have experienced it, you are done forever. Never again married partners.

 

 

There in lies the problem married people shouldn't be flirting with anyone other than their spouse. When they cross boundaries they ask for trouble. It can be helped. Feelings that are feed will grow. So when one chooses to feed the funk...it will grow to become the big stinking mess it typically evolves to. And only if your last statement were true...I wouldn't have been placed in that situation. Mr. Messy and the OW both cheated before, got away with it and decided to do it again.

[East7]

 

I am curious though about one thing you said- you said that once you have been involved with a married partner, never again. But what happens if you start to develop feelings for another married person? Why are you suddenly able to make the choice not to get involved? Why were you not able to make that choice the first time? While I agree that you did not choose the feelings, you did make the choice act on them.

 

Good question.

 

The first time it happens, you think that its is nothing more than a sweet flirting game, you "play" convinced that you are not going to fall...but the you fall and you are unable to break and go.

An A is not a regular relationship, when you have never experienced it before there are 2 traps :

1- you start as a flirting game with no intention of an A then you fall for the MP.

2- Once in love, you naively think that it might be a future with the MP.

 

The first time you don't balance involvement/consequences. You think that you are luckier than the others, than your A is special, than she will leave her H and live with you happily ever after.

Once you know that there is almost never an happy ending in an A, you know how not to fall in the same trap one more time.

[confusedinkansas]

I am curious though about one thing you said- you said that once you have been involved with a married partner, never again. But what happens if you start to develop feelings for another married person? Why are you suddenly able to make the choice not to get involved? Why were you not able to make that choice the first time? While I agree that you did not choose the feelings, you did make the choice act on them.

 

I know this wasn't directed at me. But - I'll say that once you've been involved with someone that's married (we were both married) The connection happened, the flirting, the affair, the whirlwind that takes your breath away, you don't THINK & yadda yadda yadda, the rest as they say is history.

 

Then when the sh&T hits the fan you realize....sheesh, I kinda screwed up here. This wasn't the answer at all. (after the fact)

 

Personally, I don't allow myself into the flirting situation anymore & IF I'm flirted with, I take it as such. JUST FLIRTING. Nothing more & I don't allow it to be carried any further.

 

That's how I personally DE-BUNK the whole ONCE A CHEATER THEORY....

Not for Me No-Mo!!! There's my 2 cents for whatever they're worth.

[Fieldsofgold]

I know this wasn't directed at me. But - I'll say that once you've been involved with someone that's married (we were both married) The connection happened, the flirting, the affair, the whirlwind that takes your breath away, you don't THINK & yadda yadda yadda, the rest as they say is history.

 

Then when the sh&T hits the fan you realize....sheesh, I kinda screwed up here. This wasn't the answer at all. (after the fact)

 

Personally, I don't allow myself into the flirting situation anymore & IF I'm flirted with, I take it as such. JUST FLIRTING. Nothing more & I don't allow it to be carried any further.

 

That's how I personally DE-BUNK the whole ONCE A CHEATER THEORY....

Not for Me No-Mo!!! There's my 2 cents for whatever they're worth.

 

And a very good 2 cents it is!

[Dexter Morgan]

but 2 cents doesn't buy ya s##t

[HalfAlive22]

What is it about cheaters, or OW/OM that knew ahead of time they were messing around with someone elses spouse, that can basically destroy someone's world, inflict real life pain.....but when someone in a forum like this calls them on their hypocrisy, bulls###, or self-centered character.....then its just an absolute crime.

 

he/she who hurts people in real life look real silly claiming offense when someone puts the truth out there in words.

 

I just wanna know what gets inside their heads....they go out and f##k with someone's life...then come here and get offended when they meet people who aren't sympathetic to their less than sympathetic attitude towards their real life victims.

If there were a "like button" I'd press it!

[Joe Normal]

Because people judge others on their actions, but themselves on their self-image. If we actually judged ourselves on our actions, half the human race would commit seppuku tomorrow out of shame and embarrassment.

[wheelwright]

Because people judge others on their actions, but themselves on their self-image. If we actually judged ourselves on our actions, half the human race would commit seppuku tomorrow out of shame and embarrassment.

 

Oh! (surprise emoticon)

 

Yep. Like this, all the judgers should have a big old think.

[Dexter Morgan]

Oh! (surprise emoticon)

 

Yep. Like this, all the judgers should have a big old think.

 

not from this guy. my actions are such that I have never cheated, never will, and never will sleep with another guy's wife.

[wheelwright]

not from this guy. my actions are such that I have never cheated, never will, and never will sleep with another guy's wife.

 

I believe you.

 

But I want you to promise that you tell us here on LS if you do.

 

And about any other fidelity doubts you have with any new romance.

 

But anyway, I have a grudging admiration for your resolve.

 

You would make a good leader Dexter.

 

A conviction politician? The best of their kind?

 

Not a philosopher anyway.

 

Best

 

WW

[Dexter Morgan]

I believe you.

 

But I want you to promise that you tell us here on LS if you do.

 

And about any other fidelity doubts you have with any new romance.

 

But anyway, I have a grudging admiration for your resolve.

 

You would make a good leader Dexter.

 

A conviction politician? The best of their kind?

 

Not a philosopher anyway.

 

Best

 

WW

 

oh trust me, you wouldn't want me as a politician. I'd make it a mission to have parental and marital rights significantly diminished (if not unrealistically erased) if someone in a marriage cheats.

[Distant78]

oh trust me, you wouldn't want me as a politician. I'd make it a mission to have parental and marital rights significantly diminished (if not unrealistically erased) if someone in a marriage cheats.

 

Damn right. They don't deserve shyyt when they decide to cuckold their partner.

[Tressugar]

In response to the 'Woman In Blue' I believe her opinion is spot on.