willowthewisp Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Why is it that you only remember the good times with the X? Today I had to go to a hospital appointment and the doctor was running really late, so as I sat waiting I noticed that there was a young married couple sat, holding hands. He looked really concerned for his wife, they were sat chatting and I could literally see the love and concern he had for her in his eyes. I suddenly realised that my X never took time of work to attend a hospital appointment with me. There was a quite considerable amount of time in our relationship where I was extremely unwell. Yet he never offered to come with me. This now strikes me as odd. I don't know why it didn't at the time, but it now feels like I just wasn't a priority in his life. I felt that when we were together, work always came before me, going out with friends always came before me. He used to make me feel unreasonable for requesting his time, for asking him to spend some time together, telling me he saw me every weekend. However, as I discussed with my IC last week, he was present but never "present" when we were together. He would come home form work at 7.15 pm, we would eat and then he would go play video games upstairs all night. Yet when I asked for time, he would make me feel bad, when I asked for him NOT to go out AGAIN this week, he would make me feel unreasonable. When he left he told me I was controlling. That he wanted someone who was more easygoing and who he could see when they both felt like it. I recently joined an online dating site and took a relationship assessment, the results were very accurate to how I feel about what I need in a relationship. To me quality time with your partner is an expression of love. I guess, I have three questions- Is it unreasonable to expect your spouse to make you his priority? Why do we remember only the good things about the relationship? Why do I still love him and miss him even though I now know from my counselling that he treated me very badly? Urgh.
newguyhere Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 I guess, I have three questions- Is it unreasonable to expect your spouse to make you his priority? Why do we remember only the good things about the relationship? Why do I still love him and miss him even though I now know from my counselling that he treated me very badly? Urgh. 1 - No its not unreasonable at all to expect your spouse to make you his priority. 2 - Its human nature to remember the good times. Its healthy and make our lives seem happier and meaningful. It hurts right now to think about all the good times but that pain will go away. There are happy times to come 3 - You still love him because you still love him. Love cant be turned off, but it will fade over time and you will love again. You seem to want the caring sensitive type of guy. That is what you need to look for in a guy. They are out there looking for a girl just like you. Im looking for the same in a girl and wouldnt settle for less.
Steadfast Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 It's pretty normal to shoulder the majority of the blame after a breakup; especially if the leaving partner is blaming you! In some cases, it can take quite awhile to get past that. The self-examination process will slowly but surely allow you to not only see your faults and weaknesses, but those of your ex as well. Our hearts focus on the feelings we have for them, leaving the brain to catch up and even things out. Still, the heart feels what it feels, and those initial attractions stick around for a long time. As for the faults, when you consider that no one perfect, it's a pretty short process to realize that true love accepts the good with the bad. That's why it's true. If someone really loves you, they'll want to be with you. In time, every couple settles into somewhat of a pattern, but experience tells us it's a good idea to shake that up every once and awhile. Don't discount the fact that most people -no matter how much in love- still need some alone time or activities with friends, family, etc. The trust and security love offers means they won't be gone long. And if they are, such as someone in the military, then the loving partner will wait. True love can, false love can't. Crazy in love is not reserved for teenagers willow. Accept nothing less-
Too Much Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 It's pretty normal to shoulder the majority of the blame after a breakup; especially if the leaving partner is blaming you! In some cases, it can take quite awhile to get past that. The self-examination process will slowly but surely allow you to not only see your faults and weaknesses, but those of your ex as well. Our hearts focus on the feelings we have for them, leaving the brain to catch up and even things out. Still, the heart feels what it feels, and those initial attractions stick around for a long time. As for the faults, when you consider that no one perfect, it's a pretty short process to realize that true love accepts the good with the bad. That's why it's true. If someone really loves you, they'll want to be with you. In time, every couple settles into somewhat of a pattern, but experience tells us it's a good idea to shake that up every once and awhile. Don't discount the fact that most people -no matter how much in love- still need some alone time or activities with friends, family, etc. The trust and security love offers means they won't be gone long. And if they are, such as someone in the military, then the loving partner will wait. True love can, false love can't. Crazy in love is not reserved for teenagers willow. Accept nothing less- I'm beginning to wonder if true love actually exists, or if all love fades in time. Age old questions..
trippi1432 Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 I'm beginning to wonder if true love actually exists, or if all love fades in time. Age old questions.. Too Much...love only fades when you let it...love changes over time..it's not a constant.
2.50 a gallon Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 We are not married, but my GF is my number one priority in life. Yes, I am with her when she sees the doctor. We try to do things together. Shopping, cleaning, watching TV, working in jigsaw puzzzle. My memories of my marriage are totally different as yours. I pretty much remember the bad times. Why do youy still love him? My onoy though is ladies love outlaws. Never did understand why women tend to get involved with bad boys.
habs53 Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Why is it that you only remember the good times with the X? Today I had to go to a hospital appointment and the doctor was running really late, so as I sat waiting I noticed that there was a young married couple sat, holding hands. He looked really concerned for his wife, they were sat chatting and I could literally see the love and concern he had for her in his eyes. I suddenly realised that my X never took time of work to attend a hospital appointment with me. There was a quite considerable amount of time in our relationship where I was extremely unwell. Yet he never offered to come with me. This now strikes me as odd. I don't know why it didn't at the time, but it now feels like I just wasn't a priority in his life. I felt that when we were together, work always came before me, going out with friends always came before me. He used to make me feel unreasonable for requesting his time, for asking him to spend some time together, telling me he saw me every weekend. However, as I discussed with my IC last week, he was present but never "present" when we were together. He would come home form work at 7.15 pm, we would eat and then he would go play video games upstairs all night. Yet when I asked for time, he would make me feel bad, when I asked for him NOT to go out AGAIN this week, he would make me feel unreasonable. When he left he told me I was controlling. That he wanted someone who was more easygoing and who he could see when they both felt like it. I recently joined an online dating site and took a relationship assessment, the results were very accurate to how I feel about what I need in a relationship. To me quality time with your partner is an expression of love. I guess, I have three questions- Is it unreasonable to expect your spouse to make you his priority? Why do we remember only the good things about the relationship? Why do I still love him and miss him even though I now know from my counselling that he treated me very badly? Urgh. I have noticed a pattern that whenever a person leaves, the other person is almost always controlling. I would say that is nothing more than a way to pass the blame.
carhill Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Is it unreasonable to expect your spouse to make you his priority? IMO, it would be unreasonable and unhealthy to expect anything else. However, the specifics of such expectations need to be communicated clearly, IMO. Why do we remember only the good things about the relationship? IMO, health is accepting the totality of our life experiences. We can choose amongst our emotional memories which ones we consciously value and embrace. I think how we choose says a lot about who we are and who we're compatible with for interpersonal relationships. Why do I still love him and miss him even though I now know from my counselling that he treated me very badly? IMO, you're still short of acceptance. Acceptance that there was love and may always be love, and that the relationship was/is unhealthy and ended for such reasons. You can love someone and let them go. It's OK
Author willowthewisp Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 I have noticed a pattern that whenever a person leaves, the other person is almost always controlling. I would say that is nothing more than a way to pass the blame. Oh absolutely. I've been very honest with myself and with my IC and no I was not controlling. What I have figured out in IC is that my X has serious intimacy and commitment issues, far easier to blame me and to enter a place of denial and he still continues to run from himself now. I am just so very sad.
Author willowthewisp Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 Is it unreasonable to expect your spouse to make you his priority? IMO, it would be unreasonable and unhealthy to expect anything else. However, the specifics of such expectations need to be communicated clearly, IMO. Why do we remember only the good things about the relationship? IMO, health is accepting the totality of our life experiences. We can choose amongst our emotional memories which ones we consciously value and embrace. I think how we choose says a lot about who we are and who we're compatible with for interpersonal relationships. Why do I still love him and miss him even though I now know from my counselling that he treated me very badly? IMO, you're still short of acceptance. Acceptance that there was love and may always be love, and that the relationship was/is unhealthy and ended for such reasons. You can love someone and let them go. It's OK Hi Carhill, the relationship was not unhealthy, my X leaving was not about our relationship, it was about his own internal unresolved issues, I've explored it throughly in IC. That's what makes it so hard, there was no relationship break down, there was no attempt to resolve (MC), there was no shared grieving. I didn't miss any signs of his unhappiness, there weren't any! In fact the opposite, there were expressions of love and happiness. I've spent 20 months blaming myself, taking his excuses to leave on board and it was never to do with me or us, it was to do with HIM.
carhill Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 That's what makes it so hard, there was no relationship break down, there was no attempt to resolve (MC), there was no shared grieving. I didn't miss any signs of his unhappiness, there weren't any! In fact the opposite, there were expressions of love and happiness. I've spent 20 months blaming myself, taking his excuses to leave on board and it was never to do with me or us, it was to do with HIM. Yes, and therein lies the unhealthiness. Healthy and satisfying relationships (remember, this is a perspective shared by both participants) rarely end, except by death. Think about examples from personal experience. Can you accept that you, within this relationship, were healthy but that the relationship itself was not healthy and ended for reasons, as you said, having to do with 'him'? The acceptance part is the toughie. I sometimes catch myself doing the 'hey, wha?!! No way, I was xxx and xxx and blah blah'. Then I smile and remember that living is the goal, as long and as healthfully as possible. Right?
Author willowthewisp Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 No, because the realtionship was healthy, he bolted from commitment, he was with me 20 years and could not marry me, he has a commitment problem, he left after we booked our wedding describing feelings of having anxiety attacks. If we had not set the date to marry, I have no doubt in my mind we would still be very happy and living together.
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