Jannah Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 (edited) that's probably my biggest problem, just being able to RELAX! I have this Romeo and Juliet-esque look on a relationship. I truly believe it would be hard to find a girl as awesome as her, seriously. that's why I'm so interested in NOT screwing up You are young so that viewset is perfectly understandable, don't sweat it. I think seeing each other a couple times during the week is good too at this stage. Though I am curious with regards to sally's post. Is this girl already in a relationship with someone else? If she is, then that changes things quite significantly. Edited November 9, 2010 by Jannah
dispatch3d Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 lol I think Sternberg's so far off base it's hilarious.
Author bsilmb Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 You are young so that viewset is perfectly understandable, don't sweat it. I think seeing each other a couple times during the week is good too at this stage. Though I am curious with regards to sally's post. Is this girl already in a relationship with someone else? If she is, then that changes things quite significantly. I like her and we are compatible, I just fret too much. I'm getting better at just playing it cool... (: I do not believe she's in a relationship with anyone else. she even told be she hadn't had a boyfriend in over two years. what would it have meant if she was? what's it mean since she wasn't?
Author bsilmb Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 lol I think Sternberg's so far off base it's hilarious. just curiosu, but how so?
Author bsilmb Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 well I was texting her and aksed her if she was dating other people or just me. she's responded "just you, but I have crushes" I texted her back saying how I have a couple crushes too bu I'm really starting to like her. she then responded "awh, well I don't want you to go all out for me cuz I might break your heart and I've done that once. :/ it's not fun" I told her that I understand but I think she's really cool and don't wanna let an opportunity slip by. she then said, "I'm just saying. I'm always noting all of the consequences. and duh, your awesome too." I then replied saying "oh I understand taking things slow and not rushing into things and somebody getting hurt, but I do like you and thanks (:" she said "hahah eah exactly NP(; so what do I take away from all that. it really flipped things in my mind, I was really wanting to go exclusive with her. I lied about having crushes and not just liking her. I don't know what to do anymore
Author bsilmb Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 well I was texting her and aksed her if she was dating other people or just me. she's responded "just you, but I have crushes" I texted her back saying how I have a couple crushes too bu I'm really starting to like her. she then responded "awh, well I don't want you to go all out for me cuz I might break your heart and I've done that once. :/ it's not fun" I told her that I understand but I think she's really cool and don't wanna let an opportunity slip by. she then said, "I'm just saying. I'm always noting all of the consequences. and duh, your awesome too." I then replied saying "oh I understand taking things slow and not rushing into things and somebody getting hurt, but I do like you and thanks (:" she said "hahah eah exactly NP(; so what do I take away from all that. it really flipped things in my mind, I was really wanting to go exclusive with her. I lied about having crushes and not just liking her. I don't know what to do anymore can someone please help me out with this I'm actually tearing up from this. I like her so much and I just want us to stay together... I don't want this to be an unrequited love
Author bsilmb Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 lol am I just unhelpable?? I really need some advice :/
Jannah Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 I like her and we are compatible, I just fret too much. I'm getting better at just playing it cool... (: I do not believe she's in a relationship with anyone else. she even told be she hadn't had a boyfriend in over two years. what would it have meant if she was? what's it mean since she wasn't? If someone has a boyfriend/girlfriend, then it matters, because that means they are off limits. If she hasn't had a boyfriend in over two years, that means this is new territory for her as well since she has been single for all that time. As for you - when you feel like you are fretting too much, try to tell your mind, that you are only allowed to think negative thoughts (or any thoughts that make your mind race) only once per day at a set time. That works with people who have anxiety and think excessively. But, you have to actually train yourself to do it.
Author bsilmb Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 If someone has a boyfriend/girlfriend, then it matters, because that means they are off limits. If she hasn't had a boyfriend in over two years, that means this is new territory for her as well since she has been single for all that time. As for you - when you feel like you are fretting too much, try to tell your mind, that you are only allowed to think negative thoughts (or any thoughts that make your mind race) only once per day at a set time. That works with people who have anxiety and think excessively. But, you have to actually train yourself to do it. alright I'll try. if you read my posts above this, I think I understand why. I believe that she likes me, but she's afraid of a big commitment at the time, for fear of one of us getting hurt. the only problem is, I REALLY like her and I want a commitment. I guess I should take my time, but I really don't want to take too long and lose her to one of her "crushes". so how do I progress things and talk about being exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm willing to wait a month or two, but I want us to be exclusive soon as long as things continue to go well. so what should I do? :/
dispatch3d Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 just curiosu, but how so? because his "model" for love is useless. I can't do anything with that model. Like you said in a reply, ok those three points are cool and all but wtf do I do in THIS SITUATION. Lol well you can't freaking apply his bogus model to the situation because the model is horse ****. If the model worked you could apply it and come up with a solution that worked. It doesn't, its bs, all of those things don't have to exist for sex, romance, or love to happen. They just all exist in long lasting relationships. He managed to name 3 outcomes of people who are happily in love. Useless to figure out three outcomes of something. There's a ton of outcomes they didn't name, the outcomes just aren't as cool or neat sounding.
Tim The Enchanter Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Begin by simply being friends with the person you are seeking a relationship with. This stage is vital as it allows you to learn more about your partner, as well as confirm/deny your feelings towards a relationship with them. I don't agree with that. Hanging around with a girl and trying to be her "friend" is a great way to end up being permanently Friend Zoned and looking like a wuss to boot. You get to know a member of the opposite sex by dating.
Jannah Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 alright I'll try. if you read my posts above this, I think I understand why. I believe that she likes me, but she's afraid of a big commitment at the time, for fear of one of us getting hurt. the only problem is, I REALLY like her and I want a commitment. I guess I should take my time, but I really don't want to take too long and lose her to one of her "crushes". so how do I progress things and talk about being exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm willing to wait a month or two, but I want us to be exclusive soon as long as things continue to go well. so what should I do? :/ OP, focus on dating her and learning more about each other, spend time together and slowly introduce your thoughts and desire towards something long term. Let her respond to that and if all goes well, you both will bridge the gap to exclusivity.
Author bsilmb Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 so I should not fret, take things slowly, and see where things take us? I don't plan on dating others, but I still should fall head over heels for her?
denise_xo Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 so I should not fret, take things slowly, and see where things take us? I don't plan on dating others, but I still should fall head over heels for her? I think you should step back a bit and make her miss you. Now you're kind of telling her she can have you AND her crushes. Stand up for yourself and don't give her all the definitional power over the relationship.
Jannah Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I think you should step back a bit and make her miss you. Now you're kind of telling her she can have you AND her crushes. Stand up for yourself and don't give her all the definitional power over the relationship. Agreed. Always maintain awareness of your own boundaries regardless and apply them as you see fit.
Author bsilmb Posted November 11, 2010 Author Posted November 11, 2010 Agreed. Always maintain awareness of your own boundaries regardless and apply them as you see fit. we only see each other about once a week as it is, so how can I really set boundaries?? we are separate from each other and we have space. what do I do??
Author bsilmb Posted November 11, 2010 Author Posted November 11, 2010 we only see each other about once a week as it is, so how can I really set boundaries?? we are separate from each other and we have space. what do I do??
hadess07 Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 thats a very good move there.congrats to you 1st.found a page that can help you with maintaining the relationship.check out the link http://datingandgirls.blogspot.com/2010/11/how-to-keep-woman-happy-ten-magic.html
denise_xo Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 we only see each other about once a week as it is, so how can I really set boundaries?? we are separate from each other and we have space. what do I do?? Boundaries are also set in other ways than time spent together. It can be how you project and talk about what you want out of the relationship, and what you are willing to accept or not accept in terms of 'rules of the game'. It could be about reaching a point where you say something along the lines of your engagement being of a nature where you either want exclusivity, or you would like the two of you to have a little break. I'm not saying that this is the exact line that's most strategic to deliver her, but it's an example of how boundaries can be put. Another could be cutting back on the text conversations. In short, making yourself less emotionally (not just time wise) available to her unless she can reciprocate your level of engagement. Something like that. Yes, it's a risk, so you will have to weigh risk up against your objectives for the relationship and the likelihood of reaching them. Being too available for her without getting the reciprocity you would like can also be risky. As you say in your post, I think a month or two is giving her sufficient time in terms of making the decision to take it to the next level, given that you communicate frequently and see each other every week.
Author bsilmb Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 Boundaries are also set in other ways than time spent together. It can be how you project and talk about what you want out of the relationship, and what you are willing to accept or not accept in terms of 'rules of the game'. It could be about reaching a point where you say something along the lines of your engagement being of a nature where you either want exclusivity, or you would like the two of you to have a little break. I'm not saying that this is the exact line that's most strategic to deliver her, but it's an example of how boundaries can be put. Another could be cutting back on the text conversations. In short, making yourself less emotionally (not just time wise) available to her unless she can reciprocate your level of engagement. Something like that. Yes, it's a risk, so you will have to weigh risk up against your objectives for the relationship and the likelihood of reaching them. Being too available for her without getting the reciprocity you would like can also be risky. As you say in your post, I think a month or two is giving her sufficient time in terms of making the decision to take it to the next level, given that you communicate frequently and see each other every week. Well I think the boundary thing is working well because we haven't been able to talk very much over the past 3 days because I've been travelling. Very busy. But when we do talk, she's very talkative and flirty like we just texted for a couple hours and when she said goodnight she added "I can't wait to talk to you later (: xoxo" its somewhat more cute than usual. I think she is interested in being exclusive with me, just apprehensive about knowing each other for just over 6 weeks. So sometime in december I plan on asking to go exclusive and be offically boyfriend and girlfriend. Good idea. Bad?
Author bsilmb Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 Well I think the boundary thing is working well because we haven't been able to talk very much over the past 3 days because I've been travelling. Very busy. But when we do talk, she's very talkative and flirty like we just texted for a couple hours and when she said goodnight she added "I can't wait to talk to you later (: xoxo" its somewhat more cute than usual. I think she is interested in being exclusive with me, just apprehensive about knowing each other for just over 6 weeks. So sometime in december I plan on asking to go exclusive and be offically boyfriend and girlfriend. Good idea. Bad? Bump bump bump
denise_xo Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Well I think the boundary thing is working well because we haven't been able to talk very much over the past 3 days because I've been travelling. Very busy. But when we do talk, she's very talkative and flirty like we just texted for a couple hours and when she said goodnight she added "I can't wait to talk to you later (: xoxo" its somewhat more cute than usual. I think she is interested in being exclusive with me, just apprehensive about knowing each other for just over 6 weeks. So sometime in december I plan on asking to go exclusive and be offically boyfriend and girlfriend. Good idea. Bad? OK, so maybe that's what you need to stay focused on - maintaining some kind of healthy balance where you don't end up in a situation where you give considerably more than she does, and letting her gently know that you are not just stringing along on her terms alone. Sometime in december sounds quite reasonable to me. I hope it all works out!
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