lizzie_socks Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Hi, I'll start this with saying I have read through a lot of old threads in this forum- even the very old ones! But I just wanted an opinion on my current situation, as it's not your typical ''I met him at work'' scenario. I'm currently the OW with a man who is in a 20 year relationship. They aren't married and don't have kids together. First of all, he is much older than me. However, my ex partner was 15 years my senior, and I have always preferred the maturity of older men. He is 22 years my senior. Some history: We met at a gig- where I was actually guest vocals with a band we both like. We saw each other as friends for a couple of months before anything more became involved. I had been single for almost a year from a 5 year relationship. I had started taking in polygamous lifestyle- of which the men I saw knew about and I made sure they would be fine it would be nothing more. As time progressed, we started meeting up at more gigs/concerts, and eventually shared a hotel room together, of which nothing happened on the first night. The second night we spent together we ended up sleeping together. I told him that we could be friends with benefits if he so wished. We accepted the situation. Until after a series of events, we both realized we felt a lot more for each other than we were letting on. We spend a lot of time around mutual friends, and people know we are good friends and hang out together at concerts and other events. I have since dropped my other friend with benefits. He spent some time away from both of us, and came back, after speaking to a close friend, saying he was going to leave her. But he wasn't going to do it so he was leaving to be with me- as potentially, we could both get hurt (and I actually said that I was worried about some of the mutual friends finding out in the first place). He'd do it on the basis he isn't happy with her anymore. Both his close friends know about the situation, with one of them actually even making sure I wasn't playing him about. Here's the deal: We have a lot in common. Music tastes are pretty much identical. Our idea of a fun weekend away together is the same. We have the same goals in life. Etc. He sends me a message every morning to make sure I'm okay. I was hospitalized recently and he dropped everything to be with me. He says he will leave her, and just needs to get a few things sorted the next few weeks. His friend has also confirmed to me the possibility he would move in with him a bit while he got everything else sorted. He's there for me emotionally as well as physically. He has admitted that the reason he didn't leave her before was because he'd be lonely. I'm terrified by the situation, as I truly do love him. He's said we just need to wait a couple more weeks. I'd just like some opinions please. Thank you xx
Author lizzie_socks Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 Sorry for not mentioning before- not leaving her. Over the last few months, I've given everything I have. I've already said that the pure fact that he's cheating on her (especially with a similar woman in terms of interests) shows that he isn't happy and he agrees.
jwi71 Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Over the last few months, I've given everything I have. I would be very careful and judicious to whom "I gave everything". Especially when that person is otherwise attached. It is, at its core, a red flag. I've already said that the pure fact that he's cheating on her (especially with a similar woman in terms of interests) shows that he isn't happy and he agrees. Actually that's NOT true. Plenty of AP's are perfectly happy and cheat anyway. You are confusing a broken R (marriage, long term GF or whatever) with a broken person (the cheater). And the point of that is this: do not trust someone so fully and completely who you KNOW is lying. The only question is to whom is he lying? You or her? And, when this R deteriorates with you (if it does)...you have a front row seat of how he will treat you. So...either sit back and wait or do not. Actually...why can't he leave now?
Author lizzie_socks Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 Actually that's NOT true. Plenty of AP's are perfectly happy and cheat anyway. You are confusing a broken R (marriage, long term GF or whatever) with a broken person (the cheater). What I meant more rather was that the fact he choose a woman who was similar to his current partner in a lot of respects. Over my years, most the affairs I have seen are with completely different women/men than their OH. Main reason he can't leave now is because he has a sick relative who when he's not around (which isn't just in regards with me), she and a couple of people she knows helps in looking after said sick relative. I know that said relative is sick for a fact. There are apparently plans on ways to combat this. I guess my best option is sit back and wait a short while, and see what it happens. I will set a deadline after speaking to him when I next see him- and I'll stick by it.
2sure Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Main reason he can't leave now is because he has a sick relative who when he's not around (which isn't just in regards with me), she and a couple of people she knows helps in looking after said sick relative. I know that said relative is sick for a fact. There are apparently plans on ways to combat this. So, you're OK with him staying with his partner of 20 years for the moment because he needs her to care for one of his sick relatives? But he wasn't going to do it so he was leaving to be with me- as potentially, we could both get hurt . What a gentleman. It doesnt concern you that he is concerned about hurting himself but not the other people in his life? He'd do it on the basis he isn't happy with her anymore. Yeah, wait until his relative get better & he doesnt need her, continue to hide you so that he doesnt get hurt by the affair, and then tell her; Its YOU, not me. I gotta tell you....this trumps everything Ive read on here.
jwi71 Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Main reason he can't leave now is because he has a sick relative who when he's not around (which isn't just in regards with me), she and a couple of people she knows helps in looking after said sick relative. Just think about WHAT he is doing. He is using his W (is it his wife?) to help him look after a sick relative and when she recovers (or passes away) he bails on her. Again, red flag. He is a liar AND a user. Be VERY careful. I know that said relative is sick for a fact. There are apparently plans on ways to combat this. Yes...it seems his plans are to stay in an unhappy M (or R) with this poor lady until the relative recovers or passes. Then leave. The only person this benefits is HIM. I guess my best option is sit back and wait a short while, and see what it happens. I will set a deadline after speaking to him when I next see him- and I'll stick by it. Good. Draw a line in the sand and if he crosses it, run. Mind if I ask what that line is?
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