jode Posted March 7, 2004 Share Posted March 7, 2004 I'm a bisexual 18 year-old and I've been quietly dating another guy for about three months now. This is a first relationship for both of us, gay or straight, and I credit this guy with bringing me out. But for the past few weeks my feelings have been fluctuating, and I've been having what you might call doubts. This surfaced shortly after he SUGGESTED that he loved me (he never actually said it, if that makes a difference), so I'm betting that had an effect. Right now and since then, I've been sort of surfing up and down... Sometimes I really care about him, and I'm glad we're going out. Other times I couldnt care less... There's never a time when I dont enjoy being with him, but often I dont feel like we've got anything special. I'm starting to feel like we're more friends than partners. We talked about this about a week ago, and the conversation ended in tears. He doesnt want to lose me. The only response I could honestly give was to say that he would never lose me as a friend. We agreed we'd keep going, scaling back and taking it a little slower this time, despite the fact that this relationship is emotionally lopsided. I dont blame him for not wanting to lose me, and I dont want to abandon him. No one except for my parents are aware of our relationship. My parents have been nothing but supportive and respectful, but since his parents are devoutly Catholic, we've kept this from them and most of our friends. A breakup would leave him alone, and I guess I've just threatened him with that... My question is this -- When do fluctuating feelings become problematic? How do I stop these feelings from fluctuating? Will they stop on their own, or can I do something about it? When do you know that its over or coming to that? And, if it comes to it, how do you breakup and not completely abandon the person? Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted March 7, 2004 Share Posted March 7, 2004 When you start thinking about how things would be better off on a whole without this person, THEN they become problimatic. That or when you think of being with someone else other than him. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 7, 2004 Share Posted March 7, 2004 this is a pretty tough situation. what are the GLBT support groups like in your area? your friend is in a tough spot, and you will ultimately have to do what is best for you. you can ease this possible transition by maybe meeting people together who will know the pain of being GLBT, particularly within a restrictive context. they can be there for him if, and realistically when, you guys break up. Link to post Share on other sites
Velveteel Posted March 7, 2004 Share Posted March 7, 2004 I know you're feeling confused right now, but the situation may not be so difficult. From what you say, it seems that you have friendly feelings, with some sexual attraction thrown in. You're not in love. This isn't a "partner" for you, but a boyfriend whose feelings may be stronger than yours. Enjoy your time together, but tell him honestly that you're not as involved as he may be. And yes! Get some support from the GLBT community in your area. Good luc! Link to post Share on other sites
jode Posted March 7, 2004 Share Posted March 7, 2004 Originally posted by jenny they can be there for him if, and realistically when, you guys break up.Originally posted by Velveteel You're not in love. This isn't a "partner" for you, but a boyfriend whose feelings may be stronger than yours.I think you're telling me what I've been trying to tell myself. As I said, we've talked about this, expressing our feelings honestly. We each know where the other one stands. Are my fluctuating feelings not a serious problem? Should I just ride this out and see what happens? Originally posted by Kat When you start thinking about how things would be better off on a whole without this person, THEN they become problimatic. That or when you think of being with someone else other than him. Any other situations in which changing feelings become a problem? Thanks for responses and advice... Please keep it coming! Every bit helps me figure this out. Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted March 7, 2004 Share Posted March 7, 2004 Originally posted by jode Any other situations in which changing feelings become a problem? There are so many, you could say this entire site is dedicated to all of them! I keep coming back to this thread again and again. I do feel for you. Yet there's nothing I could add - jenny and Velveteel have the best insights so far, and well said too! You could try to ride it out and see what happens, but it seems so much like "going it alone" in a way. I agree with trying to find GLBT resources in your area - the groups and organizations in my area seem to do a world of good for the rather large community here. Link to post Share on other sites
jode Posted March 7, 2004 Share Posted March 7, 2004 This guy's been a great friend to me, and a really caring boyfriend, but for one reason or another, there's doubt in my mind that he's the one. I'm not in love, and I doubt that's going to develop. As jenny said: Originally posted by jenny ...you will ultimately have to do what is best for you. I think I first need to determine "what is best for me." That's the part thats got me hung up. Once I figure that out, I'll look at all the angles and plan the next move. So what's best for me then? I'm sexually attracted to him, but there's probably more just-friends feelings more than anything else in there. Forget for a moment the fact that this is a queer relationship... What would you do if your feelings began to go up and down about the person you're dating? Why would you do that? Thanks again guys for reading and responding..! Link to post Share on other sites
Velveteel Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 Feelings can fluctuate for many reasons. Maybe we've lost trust in our lover, or lost some of the sexual attraction, or just come to believe that the relationship has some kind of built-in limitation. These are big issues. But there are smaller things that can affect your romantic feelings temporarily, like job or school stress, illness, grief. I have broken up with a lover because I felt overwhelmed and conflicted. And part of me regretted that decision. Another part realizes that a lack of commitment--any willingness to let the relationship go--is usually a bad sign. And then there is the inevitable dampening of some feeling when the first flush of romance passes and you begin to see each other realistically. This is the time when you either grow closer, or begin to pull away. Why don't you share your feelings with this guy and let him decide whether he needs to retreat to a friendship, or maybe leave the relationship altogether? Link to post Share on other sites
jode Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 Originally posted by Velveteel Why don't you share your feelings with this guy and let him decide whether he needs to retreat to a friendship, or maybe leave the relationship altogether? We've talked, and he's told me that he'll do anything he can to make sure that I'm feeling all right about this -- even if that means breaking up. But he wants to continue. I guess I do too, but that feeling changes frequently. I think I'll put myself through a little cognitive therapy -- I'll keep notes on myself and try to pinpoint when these changes of feelings occur. Might help me to link to figure out why it keeps happening... Any thoughts? I'm treating this like a science project, I know... But I'm studying Biology in university, and I'm switching into Psychology/Neuroscience as of next year... Whaddya expect from me? Link to post Share on other sites
Velveteel Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 Well, you're both young, and I guess there's nothing wrong with a little objective note-taking that might help you in a later relationship. The problem with viewing this as a science experiment is that it may be unfair to him. You're having a learning experience, and he's having a love affair. If you remain honest, it should be okay. But I suspect it won't last long. You may both be looking for something more serious. Link to post Share on other sites
jode Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 Originally posted by Velveteel Well, you're both young, and I guess there's nothing wrong with a little objective note-taking that might help you in a later relationship. I'm not purposing this to benefit any future relationships as much as I am to benefit this one. I'm simply trying to avoid this situation: Originally posted by Velveteel I have broken up with a lover because I felt overwhelmed and conflicted. And part of me regretted that decision. If the these swings are caused by something simple, like stress from school, we may be able to work past it or work around it. I dont want throw this away and then regret it later, thinking it was a rash decision. I'm more or less kidding when I say I'm treating this like a science project. I already keep a journal where I try to figure out myself and my brain; to vent stuff I cant understand or really act on. By "note-taking," I'm just suggesting that I track the emotional changes a little more closely. I dont envision myself whipping out a notepad every time I feel a little funny... Originally posted by Velveteel If you remain honest, it should be okay. But I suspect it won't last long. You may both be looking for something more serious. ...And, of course, this is all to be shared with him. It's OUR project, for as long as it lasts. Thanks for the advice, let me know if you've got any other insights, please! Link to post Share on other sites
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