tep77 Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Hi, everyone. I will try to keep this somewhat short but here is the background of my story. We have been married 8 years together for 9, have two kids, 5 and 2. We have a had a great relationship, up until this March(2010). My wife left her job of 8 years because of bull**** going on at her work and started her own company. She made a ton of money at the last place and now makes about 1/5 that amount and that caused a ton of stress. We made the decesion for to stop working two years ago when my son was born and that i would watch him until he started school and i would return to work. Needless to say our money situation as made things very stressful and we have never had anytype of money stress before. In May she came out and told me she wanted a break and that I was a great father but ****ty husband. Now I am the first to admit that I havent been the greatest husband, I dont cook, clean or really do any chores. We have always had a house cleaner, ate out and had a repairman fix whatever was needed. We have always had a very open relationship as in joking and talking about sex and if we found someone else attractive. I have never had a problem with her doing anything, but now that money was tight she wanted to do all this new stuff and didnt want any part of me. First she said she wanted the break because I was always around, she needed her space, than it was I didnt get a job fast enough. I have am having a real tough time with the seperation, been seperated for since Aug. All we do is fight, we cant seem to agree on anything anymore. I really do admit this is 95% my fault and am really changing. I now have a job and am working on getting certifications to get a better job. I still come home when i see my kids and do alot, cleaning cooking all the stuff I should have been doing along time ago. I have asked her for a second chance, and she said no and that she feels used by me and that I made her feel like she was never good enough for me. She has been doing alot on her own and I'm happy for her, she needs a break from the stress of her job, but I just found out she is going out on a date with a guy this weekend. I am devestated, I love this woman so much and would do anything to make up for any wrong doing I have ever done,, but I dont think I will get that chance. This is really starting to drive me crazy, I cant think about anything else and its starting to effect how I live.... Sorry that was longer than I thought:),,, any suggestions or advice would be a greath help. THX
HopelessinDTW Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Hi, everyone. I will try to keep this somewhat short but here is the background of my story. We have been married 8 years together for 9, have two kids, 5 and 2. We have a had a great relationship, up until this March(2010). My wife left her job of 8 years because of bull**** going on at her work and started her own company. She made a ton of money at the last place and now makes about 1/5 that amount and that caused a ton of stress. We made the decesion for to stop working two years ago when my son was born and that i would watch him until he started school and i would return to work. Needless to say our money situation as made things very stressful and we have never had anytype of money stress before. In May she came out and told me she wanted a break and that I was a great father but ****ty husband. Now I am the first to admit that I havent been the greatest husband, I dont cook, clean or really do any chores. We have always had a house cleaner, ate out and had a repairman fix whatever was needed. We have always had a very open relationship as in joking and talking about sex and if we found someone else attractive. I have never had a problem with her doing anything, but now that money was tight she wanted to do all this new stuff and didnt want any part of me. First she said she wanted the break because I was always around, she needed her space, than it was I didnt get a job fast enough. I have am having a real tough time with the seperation, been seperated for since Aug. All we do is fight, we cant seem to agree on anything anymore. I really do admit this is 95% my fault and am really changing. I now have a job and am working on getting certifications to get a better job. I still come home when i see my kids and do alot, cleaning cooking all the stuff I should have been doing along time ago. I have asked her for a second chance, and she said no and that she feels used by me and that I made her feel like she was never good enough for me. She has been doing alot on her own and I'm happy for her, she needs a break from the stress of her job, but I just found out she is going out on a date with a guy this weekend. I am devestated, I love this woman so much and would do anything to make up for any wrong doing I have ever done,, but I dont think I will get that chance. This is really starting to drive me crazy, I cant think about anything else and its starting to effect how I live.... Sorry that was longer than I thought:),,, any suggestions or advice would be a greath help. THX Stop beating yourself over the head. You gave up your job to take another job...i.e. taking care of the kids. She took on the breadwinner, and maybe she felt like she was carrying too much of the burden of the finances. So what you didn't cook or clean...you were taking care of the kids. Why are you to blame for 95% of the problems?? Sorry marriage is a 50/50 thing...she's as responsible for it as you are. What you need to do now is not plead or beg her to comeback. If she wants to go on a date let her, but tell her that she can leave the house to be with the other man, and that you will take care of the kids. Since she's the breadwinner, she can pay you to live in the house. Her affair is not your fault, and don't ever forget that. She has made that choice, she has to live with it. Meaning...she needs to get the hell out of the house as long as she wants to act like a teenager. You do the 180, and keep conversations only about the kids. Let her go on her journey...if she really wants to work things out then she needs to get rid of any other man in her life, and you both need to get into marriage conceling. If she wants to be with other men, then you don't need her. And start filing for divorce...
strength-abounds Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 The only advice I can give is you need to decide if you want to remain in this marriage or depart it. Look back and decide if it's worth saving. IMO, if the marriage was worth saving, you wife would not be dating another man. Chances are she has been dating him for awhile. I firmly believe that a marriage can be saved if only one person wants to. Call me a believer. However, it is going to be twice as hard with only one wanting to save it rather than the two of you. Regardless of your decision, you need to step back and give her space. This is going to do 2 things. 1. It's going to give you time to develop a leve head and create a plan on how to improve yourself regardless the outcome of the marriage. If this marriage crumbles, the time you spent working on your head will benefit you either way. 2. It's going to give her time to compose her thoughts about this marriage. Be warned, this can be either benefitial or detremental to the marriage. However, sounds like she wants out anyway if she dating another dude. If that's the case, then you have nothing to lose, do you? If no children were involved, I would recommend No Contact immediately. Since children are involved, No Contact is impossible. So use a Limited Contact policy. Limited Contact means only discuss the children and business dealings with the separation. Stop begging, pleading, whining, crying, all the typical stuff that screams p***y. This will allow you to focus on number 1 I posted above. Furthermore, keep posting here at LS. There is a lot of great advice for your situation because there is a lot of people that have or are currently walking the same path you are walking on. Good Luck and God Bless.
Author tep77 Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 Thx for the advice guys...I do know that the guy just asked her out recently so I doubt she has been dating him and I actually moved out of the house. I am trying to make this as easy on my kids as possible and the best thing was for me move. WE still share bank accounts and she pretty much pays for everything considering I make almost no money at the new job. I am tryin to do the 180 thing but its been real hard, this really came out of nowhere. I have caught her lying about what she has been doing and some other stuff, wow I do sound like a pussy, lol . Anyway I will take the adivce and see how it goes.
HopelessinDTW Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Thx for the advice guys...I do know that the guy just asked her out recently so I doubt she has been dating him and I actually moved out of the house. I am trying to make this as easy on my kids as possible and the best thing was for me move. WE still share bank accounts and she pretty much pays for everything considering I make almost no money at the new job. I am tryin to do the 180 thing but its been real hard, this really came out of nowhere. I have caught her lying about what she has been doing and some other stuff, wow I do sound like a pussy, lol . Anyway I will take the adivce and see how it goes. DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE!!! I did the same thing, the same reason...you're me about 6 months ago. Please get back in the house...why do you think it's ok for her to date and use you as a doormat while you go away and basically encourage her to continue on. Just because she makes the money doesn't mean she owns you! Yes, you do sound like a pussy...so grow some balls! Throw her ass out the door. Think about it...how about if you were the breadwinner, and she was a stay at home. And she caught you cheating...what do you think she would do to you? You have every right to stay there at the house, if she doesn't like it then she can leave...the kids stay with you, and she can visit them when she's not f**king around. Wake up!! Otherwise, you will lose out at the end. Sorry for being harsh, but you just got hit by a freight train...so get up and do something about it....
Author tep77 Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 Im afraid that might be to late, our speration agreement which I signed states that I agreed to move out and to be honest with you thats not really a issue with me. I see my kids everyday and still come and go as I please. I had that breadwinner arguement with her and it turned into a all out war and me trying to keep the kids out of it agreed to it. I really didnt have the money for a lawyer who would have told me the same thing you did, but she did agree some other things that helped me out as she does pay my rent at the new house still pays all our bills and until the divorce is final( Aug 10). As for saving the marriage I want to more than anything, but cant control her and thats why i am looking looking for advice ongetting on until she decides either way. And I needed that freight train!!!
HopelessinDTW Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Im afraid that might be to late, our speration agreement which I signed states that I agreed to move out and to be honest with you thats not really a issue with me. I see my kids everyday and still come and go as I please. I had that breadwinner arguement with her and it turned into a all out war and me trying to keep the kids out of it agreed to it. I really didnt have the money for a lawyer who would have told me the same thing you did, but she did agree some other things that helped me out as she does pay my rent at the new house still pays all our bills and until the divorce is final( Aug 10). As for saving the marriage I want to more than anything, but cant control her and thats why i am looking looking for advice ongetting on until she decides either way. And I needed that freight train!!! Do you have child custody written up? how many overnights do you have them, how much time do you spend with the kids. Moving out of the marital home can go against you in child custody...that's one of the reasons for staying at the house. YOU DON"T HAVE A LAWYER! Dude, you really need to get one...she's going to get everything. Just because she's paying everything now doesn't mean anything...you need to think what happens post divorce. And yes, she's probably got the divorce papers written up, and just waiting for the right moment to hand them to you. Please get a lawyer before it's too late....
strength-abounds Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Alright tep, Here comes the downside of LS. The tough love if you want to call it that. You need to tell her to s*** or get off the pot. If your lawyer advised you to do what everyone here has told you, maybe you should seriously take it into consideration. Start separating everything. Assets, bills, child visitation. EVERYTHING! Sounds like dear old wifey is making you Plan B while she dates Plan A. Find her purse, get your balls back, and reattach them because you're gonna need them to survive this ordeal. You are a MAN. Don't take this post as hateful, I am just telling you what I was told when I was in your shoes not too long ago. It will be very rewarding knowing that did your best to save this marriage; just sometimes your best is not good enough. Good Luck my friend and God Bless.
Author tep77 Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 There is no child custody agreement, we both agreed we can see them anytime we want to. I will get a lawyer. In maryland you have to wait a year once your seperated to get divorced and I will get one before that date. I dont really care what I get in the divorce, I cant afford the house and we are upside down on it so if we sell it so there will be no profits. Our agreement states that I have the right to alimony and she doesnt, and that she will pay my suv off when the divorce goes through. If this does happen all I really care about are my kids and I doubt she will do anything to me in that realm so I havent really needed to keep a lawyer yet, In my mind. My biggest concern right now is getting over this horrible sick feeling all the time, we got along so well before the job change and just boom it happened. We did try counseling but ran out of money for it and she was hell bent on the seperation.
HopelessinDTW Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 There is no child custody agreement, we both agreed we can see them anytime we want to. I will get a lawyer. In maryland you have to wait a year once your seperated to get divorced and I will get one before that date. I dont really care what I get in the divorce, I cant afford the house and we are upside down on it so if we sell it so there will be no profits. Our agreement states that I have the right to alimony and she doesnt, and that she will pay my suv off when the divorce goes through. If this does happen all I really care about are my kids and I doubt she will do anything to me in that realm so I havent really needed to keep a lawyer yet, In my mind. My biggest concern right now is getting over this horrible sick feeling all the time, we got along so well before the job change and just boom it happened. We did try counseling but ran out of money for it and she was hell bent on the seperation. Ok, well. Just so you know anything not written down and signed to is open to interpretation. With regard to your emotional state, I really can emphatize with you. It is a sick feeling like you're just about to take an exam that you didn't study for. Well, all I can say is it takes time, and you just need to vent and talk to people about your situation. You also need to exercise and keep yourself as busy as you can. how long it takes for you to get through this depends on you...so don't expect any miracles. You know you cannot change her. She wants to separate because she doesn't want you around, and want to start dating. That's my opinion, but that's what it looks like.
Author tep77 Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 I gotcha on the agreement part, that hasnt really been a issue YET. I have been trying to hit the gym alot and do other things and I am good doing that, its the hard part of coming home to be with the kids thats when it gets bad. Anyway, thanks for all the advice, I will be on the board checking things out and hopefully i will get this thing figured out.
HopelessinDTW Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 I gotcha on the agreement part, that hasnt really been a issue YET. I have been trying to hit the gym alot and do other things and I am good doing that, its the hard part of coming home to be with the kids thats when it gets bad. Anyway, thanks for all the advice, I will be on the board checking things out and hopefully i will get this thing figured out. Do you mean being with the kids while she's there, or just being with the kids in general. It's very hard to face them and enjoy your time with the kids while all the crap happening in the back ground. My kids are 5 & 3, and I can tell you it's the toughest thing to look at their innocent faces and try to be happy and joyful around them knowing that they will grow up in this situation. But, that's now your new reality, and you have to learn and get yourself accustommed to the new norm. You cannot look at the past and wish alll this could go away. It will be counterproductive, and will eat you up inside. Concentrate on now and tomorrow...as tough as that is to do. I wish you good luck, and please keep us posted.
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