I may have made the biggest mistake of my life

[tb24]

I'm 24. Last week I ended a 3 year relationship with possibly the most wonderful girl for the worst reasons.

 

 

I ended it because:

-She smokes and I hate it

-She has no job and isn't likely to get one

-She has health problems and that scares me. We already can't do some things together because she's not able and it's only going to get worse.

-When she's walking with a walking stick (and we're both 24) I feel a bit ashamed and embarrassed to be seen around her. I know that's bad but it's true.

-she has depression and when she's down I get really unhappy too

-My family don't really like her because of the above and think i could do better

 

It all just got too much after a (frankly minor) argument and I ended it. I tried to dress it up, didn't mention the specific issues and just said I wasn't in love with her any more which isn't true. I adore her.

 

Am I shallow? She's a kind, generous, loving girl who really loves me for who I am and respects me as a person. She gives me space where I need it and cheers me up if I'm down. We were great together, have a lot in common and she'd never do anything to hurt me.

 

I'm not a complete jerk. While we were together I treated her like a princess. I helped her where I could, I was always there for her and we were very close. We hardly ever argued, we were both faithful and had wonderful times together.

 

I feel terrible. I'm a horrible person, she doesn't deserve what I did to her and I'm starting to worry I did something stupid.

 

I *really* care about her but I just can't see us being together practically because of the issues I listed.

 

Am I an idiot? Did I just throw away something wonderful?

 

I think my biggest issue is that I don't know what I want. I still have very strong feelings for her. Part of me wants to be with her more than anything in the world. I know she can make me incredibly happy. Another part of me thinks we're doomed to failure and it will lead to more grief for both of us down the road, it's easier on us both to end it now.

 

In some ways I think I should stop worrying about the future, but it's always in the back of my mind that I don't think she's someone I can be with forever.

 

I know I'm being incredibly selfish but I have to think about my future as well as hers.

Edited November 8, 2010 by tb24

[bernardverh]

You mention quite some issues you didn't like to deal with.

 

Take some time (a month or so) to think this situation over. Try to make up your mind if you are prepared to live with these issues. Also it's good to discuss this with a close friend who also knows her, ask his opinion.

 

Don't rush into things back again.

[ReturnToSender]

Im not trying to be mean when I say this but... Maybe its better that way, so that she is now free to go on to meet and be with someone who will totally love, accept and support her regardless of a medical condition she cannot help. Thats much better than being with someone who is with you cause they feel bad for you.

[tb24]

I'm not with her because I feel bad for her. I really love her. Her condition (severe arthritis in her hip) prevents us doing anything which involves much walking or standing up for extended periods. I know she can't help it. I wish she could.

 

Perhaps I'm not right for her. That's what I'm trying to work out.

[ReturnToSender]

Thas what I mean though...you feel bad for breaking up with her and a big sum of it seems to be because of her condition..to the point that you even say she wishes she could help it. There is someone out there who will love and accept her exactly how she is, and not wish she was any different over something she cannot help or change. See what I mean?

[PegNosePete]

If she is not meeting your needs in a relationship, then she is not right for you. Whatever those needs are, whether they are physical or emotional or material, everyone has a right to have their needs fulfilled. If yours are not, then you need to move on.

 

And those reasons you gave, although you regard them as "worst" and "shallow", are a lot better the reasons given by a lot of people!!!

[tb24]

Thank you, I think you're both right. I will have to take time and properly think about it, but it seems awful to leave her hanging on in hope. She does want to get back together but she really doesn't deserve to be treated badly, she hasn't done anything wrong and she is a wonderful person. I really don't want to hurt her. I need to work out how to let her down gently. I haven't handled it as well as I probably should have so far... partly because I'm confused myself so am obviously giving off mixed signals.

[PegNosePete]

Whatever you decide, be honest with her. Tell her the real reasons that you can't be with her. It's going to hurt her whatever you say, there is no way to do it gently. But if you are honest then hopefully she will at least understand where you're coming from, and see it from your point of view. Whereas if you lie and just give some excuse then she will forever wonder what she did wrong.

[IfiKnewThen]

dont let her disability stand in the way. i know i have one. its true things can get on your nerves or feel compromised. but so many things can be worked around the disability. you can quit smoking too. and dont let family pressure you. thats my 2 cents

[tb24]

As ReturnToSender said, trying to change her is not the answer. If I said "I'll get back together if you quit smoking" she probably would, but that's not really fair is it? I'd essentially be forcing her to do something she didn't want to*. I either need to accept her for who she is or let her find someone who does. It's difficult for me to admit but ReturnToSender is right and staying with her in the hope that she might change isn't good for either of us.

 

As for her disability. I wish I could see past it, I really do. I've struggled with it for 3 years thinking that I can deal with it, trying to put it to the back of my mind and reassuring my self it will all be ok. I thought that the more I fell in love with her the easier it would get, but it's the opposite. It's harder. When we can't do something as simple as take a walk in the park together because she's having a bad day i feel awful. She feels bad because she knows she's preventing me from doing something. She tries really hard even if she knows it will cause her a lot of pain she will push herself to the limit just so we can do something even trivial together. I feel terrible because I feel like i've caused her pain.

 

*She knows I really don't like it and I've even asked her to quit several times so she wont see it as out of the blue and she has had plenty of opportunity to decide for herself. The difference is that telling her it's the only way we can be together is just threatening her into doing it.

Edited November 9, 2010 by tb24

[Eeyore79]

I'd be more concerned about the fact that she's too lazy to get a job. I wouldn't choose a partner who I'd have to support financially. Even if she has a health problem, there's no reason why she can't work - I know people in wheelchairs who still support themselves. The smoking would be a dealbreaker for me too, regardless of anything else. I'd also be concerned that I'd end up being the person's carer if their health worsened.

 

It's not shallow to want an equal partner who supports themselves, and who you don't have to take care of. It's not unreasonable to dump someone because you don't want to carry them your whole life.

[IfiKnewThen]

maybe her disability doesn't make her a candidate for a substantial gainful employment job enough to thrive and survive and not hurt or injure herself more. doesn't mean she is "lazy". anyone can quit smoking. people tell their loved ones to quit everyday. thats what love is. my mom died of lung cancer . doesnt hurt to tell people that. what she should do is get a new hip..a hip replacement and go find a man who will love her for all she is and is not. who of us wont get sick someday? BUT i understand she not for you and you cant hack it. so spare her, yes. that's all i can say............

 

be gentle caring and a real friend. bye