kludge Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 I'll try to make this as short as possible. If you want more details just ask and I'll be glad to share. I dated this girl for a little over 2 years. For the most part we had a really good relationship. She was really into me. She loved me to death. Unfortunately for the past couple months she was fighting with me and nagging me more and more. She wasn't happy with her life, and I was the closest person to her, so she took a lot of it out on me. During this time she was still very loving, and I never doubted she wanted to be with me, but the fighting just kept escalating. After a couple talks and nothing changing, I finally ended up breaking up with her about 3 and a half weeks ago. After the breakup I tried contacting her a couple times and she ignored me for the most part. We exchanged some notes on facebook where I wished her well and she asked why I broke up with her. I told her the reasons and asked for a real life meeting. I was missing her like crazy and thinking about giving it a second chance. It a week or so before she was finally ready to talk to me in real life. So we met up last wednesday and had a very emotional talk in my car for about an hour. We both talked about the flaws in our relationship. I owned up to my mistakes, and she owned up to hers. I then told her I love her to death and want another chance. She declined. She broke down in tears and cried. I hugged her, held her hand. We exchanged I love yous. And we even made out for a couple minutes. Bottom line is she said she needs to be single for a couple months to sort out her own issues and make herself happy. She also said she would have trouble trusting me again. Some more things were said too but this is already getting long. So bottom line, we left that meeting on good terms, I told her I hope she gets happy etc. Since then there has been no contact. She requested space so my plan is to give it to her. But now I'm wondering if maybe I should be making more of an attempt to pursue her considering I am the dumper. Would sending her flowers be a good idea? I am really tore up over this and am having trouble sleeping and eating. Thanks!
PegNosePete Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 As long as she knows the ball is in her court, leave her alone. She knows that you want to try again, it's now up to her to decide to accept or not.
bernardverh Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 I agree with PegNosePete, don't send the flowers, they won't do any good. Stay in NC for at least a month. Eating/sleeping problems are probably gone after 2 weeks of NC. Give her space and time and you will see what happens, try to focus on yourself now.
Author kludge Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 Thanks for the replies. I just feel like I have to do something to try and make this up to her before it's too late. Maybe my thoughts are misguided.
Jayerjay Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Wow, this sounds almost identical to my breakup from 6 months ago. And let me tell you, GIVE HER SPACE! Trust me on this one, every part of you is going to tell you to make some grand gesture to win her back and it's not going to work, and in fact send her racing the other way. She knows how you feel, give it at least one month (I know, sounds impossible), and if you still feel the same way after at least a month then open communication again. You need to trust me on this one, I blew it with my ex and she is with someone else now and has never looked back at me. And I guarantee I did everything you're thinking about doing and what your gut says you should be doing. If the details of my breakup and what I did to try to get her back and why, in retrospect, it didn't work will help you out let me know. Good luck, I know just how you're feeling right now.
Author kludge Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 Wow, this sounds almost identical to my breakup from 6 months ago. And let me tell you, GIVE HER SPACE! Trust me on this one, every part of you is going to tell you to make some grand gesture to win her back and it's not going to work, and in fact send her racing the other way. She knows how you feel, give it at least one month (I know, sounds impossible), and if you still feel the same way after at least a month then open communication again. You need to trust me on this one, I blew it with my ex and she is with someone else now and has never looked back at me. And I guarantee I did everything you're thinking about doing and what your gut says you should be doing. If the details of my breakup and what I did to try to get her back and why, in retrospect, it didn't work will help you out let me know. Good luck, I know just how you're feeling right now. Yes I would like to hear the details very much. I almost called her today. Very close. But I stopped myself.
Jayerjay Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 So my breakup happened about 7 months ago. We dated for about a year, we had a solid relationship and a lot of great things going for us. But like you, we started to argue over small things and they would sometimes blow up into larger things. Communication just wasn't working, we were both really busy and the times we talked just couldn't see eye to eye. So of course I ended it, thinking it was the right thing to do and we weren't working out. Regretted the decision big time and within days I was trying to contact her and she essentially ignored me. About a week later we met up and had our "closure" discussion, talked about all the things that went wrong, how we still felt strongly for each other but that we just weren't right. Wept in each other's arms, kissed... things that sound very similar to your recent encounter. After that I missed her even more, an excruciating amount. I decided I needed to win her back. Sent flowers, notes, emails, calls... she ignored them. I eventually got a hold of her by phone about 2-3 weeks after the breakup and she agreed to it and actually sounded very willing. The following day I sent her an email asking when she would like to meet up... then she dropped the bomb that she started dating someone new and didn't want to mess it up by seeing me... ouch, to say the least. I was an absolute mess, tried to win her back/kept holding out hope for a good 2-3 months after the breakup that her "rebound" would backfire on her and she'd eventually come running back in my arms. Never happened, the more I chased the more she ran. I've moved on with my life and have someone new right now, but I still think about her and in the back of my mind hope that one day our paths cross again. Anyway, so some insight on looking back on my mistakes and looking at your situation now... First thing I would recommend to you is accepting that there's a strong possibility that the "time" she wants is for her to explore other romantic interests. And you can't be bitter or resentful about that, we were the ones to break the trust in the relationship so you can't blame her for thinking there are better options out there. Terrible to think about, but it's just the way it is and if you have an emotional reaction toward it then your chances are going to decrease to get her back. Secondly, I do feel like I came close once or twice in breaking through her barrier in my "win her back" strategies, but if I did get through she would have resented me anyway for pressuring her back and thinking about how she can't trust me... the chasing after her looked pathetic and scared her away when it came down to it. Think about it like this... essentially after you saw her you became the dumpee and her the dumper. Just like what happened with me when I asked mine back and she denied me. And what did she do to drive you back toward her when you were the dumper? Absolutely nothing... you came to that decision yourself from missing her and knowing that she cares about you. It's now her turn to realize the same thing, but it's not going to happen unless you give her the space to realize it like she did for you (intentionally or unintentionally). It's a scary thing because it's out of your control and you want to bring it back in your control by doing something about it. She might come back she might not... but I honestly think your best bet is to give her at least a few weeks then approach her at that point if she doesn't approach you first. Good luck and hang in there. I'd be happy to give you any more details about what happened with me if you're looking for them.
Author kludge Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 Thanks for sharing. That does sound very similar. Every day it is a struggle not to call her. It has been almost a month since the breakup and so far I think I have done pretty good at keeping my emotions in check, or at least not showing her how weak and pathetic I feel right now. I am feeling a little bit better about it today and am starting to accept she may never come back and this is really the end. However if she starts dating someone soon it will crush me. I don't think there is really anyway I can prepare for that and am just hoping it doesn't happen soon. I would much rather have her just hook up with a guy or two at a club than actually develop feelings for someone else. That I could deal with. One of my friends told me I should hook up with someone else before she does, to soften the blow. I can't bring myself to do it though...and I know if she finds out I am with someone else it will completely crush any chance I have of getting her back. So I guess I will not be getting into the dating game for at least a month or two. For now it's just one day at a time. I think I am going to call her in about two weeks and invite her over for dinner. That will probably be me final attempt at getting her back. Then I'll just have to let the cards fall where they may and get on with my life.
Jayerjay Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Good call, your head is in the right place and I know how you feel. I was devastated when I found out my ex was seeing someone new (a guy from her work asked her out almost the same day I broke up with her), there really is no preparing for that. Hooking up with girls would just cover up my wound for a short period of time and then I'd feel worse than ever, so just be careful with that one. As much as it feels like an eternity, being broken up for 3 or so weeks is no time at all. Anything can happen in the coming months. My best advice is to be aware that down the road, no matter how much you tell yourself that you can handle it emotionally, that contacting her will send you into a relapse. Once you take your shot in a few weeks make sure to leave the ball in her court from there. Good luck, post us some updates in the coming weeks!
kaycstamper Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Eating sleeping problems are gone after two weeks? Ha! Guess I must be slow, it takes me months... Anyway, my opinion is you give her time, show her respect by valuing her wishes. If and when she is ready, she knows where to contact you. It sounds like you both had something but have things t work on yourselves too...if given the time and space to work on things within yourselves, maybe you could come back together all the better for it.
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