How to carry on living with lesser happiness?

[harkkam]

How to carry on living with lesser happiness?

After doing some reading, and introspecting I realized that my desire for "good feelings" produced by being in love with a woman are addicting physically like a drug can be. I also realized that anything no matter how good it feels can create destruction in your life.

 

A good analogy is a drug addict who looses his job, house and family to chase after the high that he is so badly hooked to. He wants that high and thats all he cares about thats all his mind processes and lives for.

 

Now apply that to my situation and being with this woman for a year ( 1yr relationship broke up 6 months ago, I am 24) I did things with her that produced amazing feelings, camping with her, making love in crazy places, and just bonding with each other while in bed and sharing parts of you that you keep away from others. The whole experience of being with her for a year was the best year of my life. We both shared and we both grew closer together.

 

Emotionally you can say it felt as good as doing drugs with a benefit of longer satisfaction meaning, if I saw my woman once a week I was still happy throughout the week knowing she was a part of my life and all I had to do was go see her and I would make her laugh and we both would have a great time together.

 

After the breakup I felt horrible, my source of amazing feelings was lost. So I did more research and I stumbled upon people who are actually addicted to love

 

Now that I am single however, my friday nights are me hanging with my friends and doing things with them. The enjoyment I get out of hanging out with my friends doesn't come even close to how lying down on my sofa with my ex lying on top of me with her head on my chest watching TV together felt like. Or when we were walking on the beach or walking through the downtown of the city together holding hands trying new restaurants together. Doing things that couples do that guy friends don't do. Single guys either go to sports events concerts or things of that nature not that there is anything wrong with that.

 

However I must speak from how this affects me. I don't chase after romance because of what society tells me or because of what is expected of me. I chase after what feels good physically and I know that kissing my woman, holding her and picking her up while she is laughing or sneaking up behind her while she is in the kitchen feels physically more rewarding than anything I can do with my friends. Even as I write this memories of her make me smile just to show you how good it makes me feel.

 

To make an analogy just imagine a user doing weed vs a user doing coke or Ecstasy. Weed is good feels good for a while however coke and E bring the user to a much higher high. Once he tries coke and E he might be hooked and never go back to weed because weed is an inferior high. B

 

Being alone and by myself is an inferior high, spending time with my friends and my buddies is an inferior high to doing things with a woman that I have deep bonds with. Now this doesn't mean every woman that I kiss or have sex with is going to feel better. I've hooked up with random's and it's actually really unrewarding and unsatisfying. Meaning women who I dont know yet I am sexual with feel as good as and lasts as long as eating a Big mac.

 

Now people say that MAN is supposed to be alone, that he supposed to not need love and he is supposed to be singular and that he does die alone and every relationship ends. But even if man does die alone, that does not mean he has to be alone while he is alive and if your woman dies before you and you are old at 70 and you've been married to her for many years, then you realize that your life is also going to come to and end. But it is a different pain from having a woman you love leave you, than losing her to old age and death as you can make peace with it that "okay we loved greatly for many many years and now it was time for her to go as mine will come too"

 

To have a SUCCESSFUL relationship you do need to be a value bringer and not a leach of good emotions. Meaning you're not using the person to make you happy and in return provide nothing to the other person. That you should be strong enough and independent enough and not needing "love" so badly that you are empty and have nothing to give. If you enter relationships being empty not having strength then it will crumble. Thats is absolutely true.

 

However here now I reach a catch 22 and a road block that I need you guys to help me with. Alluding back to the analogy I made earlier about the drug addict who tries weed and then graduates to harder drugs like coke and Ecstasy. How can I reasonably be happy going from my "coke and E" to my "weed."

 

Meaning when I was with my woman and it was cold outside and we got a hot chocolate and we would run back to my SUV and we would sit in my car and laugh and tell jokes to each other and try and keep each other warm. Or when we were camping and I was chopping wood and started a campfire while she was cleaning our tent and I snuck in and scared her and tackled her down and made love to her and her later saying to me "I really liked how you just grabbed me and took me" to which I replied with "yeah well that ass is mine" with a smile and gave her a kiss on her cheek. Or when I took her to the water side near downtown and we sat and had dinner by the waterside and she was wearing this beautiful dress with makeup on and just taking a look at her because she looks so good would make excited.

 

Now compare that to today. My life today, a friday night I go to my friends house, we hit the town. We go to a strip club and some girl is on top of me dancing and you're just there, watching her take her clothes off and you see everything but you dont feel anything other than your penis moving a little. Then afterwards you go grab some food and sit around talking and making jokes. Or maybe you go to a club, you wait in line and get in then you grind on a few girls. To some this may feel or produce more satisfaction and enjoyment but to me it quite literally sucks. These are the things that I have been doing since my breakup. Going to frat parties, clubs, hanging with my friends, hitting on girls from time to time. I hate it. It feels terrible when I take to how I feel now vs. how I did when I was doing things with her.

 

I'm not saying that I felt this way about her when I first met her, but as we spent more time together then simpler things like sitting by the water started to feel better and produce more happiness for the both of us. As our bond grew deeper we enjoyed each others company even more.

 

Now the million dollar question is. Now that I am living the single life how am I supposed to not feel sad and depressed or at least a yearning or desire to fall in love again with somebody and build that kind of relationship? My single life feels like weed and being with my ex was like being on coke or E.

 

Just like you cannot say or do anything for a crack addict that will replicate the same high for him, meaning telling him "hey man drugs are bad" or "Live has a lot to live for and enjoy" he may hear your words but they will not do anything for him inside his body. Just like saying to a man that "you dont need love" or "you must learn to live alone" is pointless when you know how good it feels to be with a woman you love.

 

How am I supposed to be happy and not chase after romantic love when anything else in life just feels blah in comparison?

[Cee]

Give yourself time. Lots and lots of time. Once you get through the "withdrawal" the depression will lift and you will use your free time doing something that you'll enjoy.

 

For me, it took about 2 years to discover how great life can be single. I know that's not comforting, but I remember watching Groundhog Day and thinking my life was now like that. Single life is Groundhog Day- At first it sucks, and I wanted to kill myself 1,000 times like Bill Murray did, but then it got amazing. And then I was ready to win the girl or in my case, the boy.

 

I'm still single by the way & I have a better life than I dreamed- I've made several new friends, developed new interests, started doing artwork, and excelled in my job. The energy I used to put in another person, I put in myself and that has changed my life. But trust me, I didn't immediately become happy. I had to work really hard for it just like a scrawny person works to build muscle. Change happens gradually.

[harkkam]

But what if not having a person to be with starts to make you feel depressed. What if the energy that you spent on working on yourself you really want to spend it on finding another person?

[PegNosePete]

Then you go out and find another person.

 

The energy you spend working on yourself, is energy spent finding another person. Making yourself better means you will attract a higher number and better class of partner.

 

If you don't like going to strip clubs and clubbing and parties, then don't do it. Find some things you do like, and do them instead.

[ppge4]

I had drug problems when I was younger, so I know exactly what you're talking about.

 

And you're right. Love IS a drug. Brain scans have shown that a person's brain in love shows almost identical activity to that of a cocaine user.

 

The withdrawals from a loved one are especially difficult because we harbor the memories in attempt to make ourselves feel the way we did before, but like any drug the effects are temporary and we are just left feeling worse.

 

 

You just have to think...statistically speaking, in a world of 7 BILLION people...what are the odds that she was the ONLY one for you? Chances are there are many others out there who would make you just as happy...if not even more.

 

I believe right person will likely still give you those same "drug-like" feelings, except in a health relationship you won't be dependent on it. There have to be other things in your life that make you happy too.

Edited November 8, 2010 by ppge4

[harkkam]

Thank you guys. Most people believe, that love finds you as you become a more attractive person. However they also say it never comes when you actively seek it.

 

But if I actively seek it, going out of my way to talk to more women then I usually do, taking more risk of rejection does that go against rules of how people meet and fall in love.

 

If I actively talk to women with an agenda instead of the " let's shoot the breeze attitude"

 

Will it work against me?

[Cee]

I think the issue can be debated both ways. And I've tried it both ways myself.

 

Personally, I believe that you don't find love unless you are available for it and seeking it (in a non-scary friendly way). In my experience, I have stood back and not pursued romantic love and I have found love...in the form of friendship. Lots and lots of platonic male friendships. I'm the queen of the friendzone. I think I'm going to have to put myself out there if I ever want a boyfriend.

 

Do what feels right for you. If you get desperate and needy when you are in seeking mode, then back off. If a woman crosses your path that you like, go ahead and pursue her and not think "the universe' will deliver her to you.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think this thread has hit the nail on the head.

 

A lot of the pain, particularly the continuing pain, is because for many of us, the relationship was the best thing in our life's. I have a good job, a beautiful house, I earn a lot of money, have pets and a lovely family and my friends, well...some of them are great...lol, but nothing quite compares to when I had him. There are feelings you get from a lover that just can't be replicated by anything else, and sadly, not always from anyone else either.

 

I've had sex since and seen guys and had fun, but that's all it is fun...it's not fulfilling past the moment or the next day. It's just fun yeah that's it. Before what I had, felt almost spiritual.

 

I don't know quite how to live with that lesser happiness except to find something else that brings happiness.

[harkkam]

I think this thread has hit the nail on the head.

 

A lot of the pain, particularly the continuing pain, is because for many of us, the relationship was the best thing in our life's. I have a good job, a beautiful house, I earn a lot of money, have pets and a lovely family and my friends, well...some of them are great...lol, but nothing quite compares to when I had him. There are feelings you get from a lover that just can't be replicated by anything else, and sadly, not always from anyone else either.

 

I've had sex since and seen guys and had fun, but that's all it is fun...it's not fulfilling past the moment or the next day. It's just fun yeah that's it. Before what I had, felt almost spiritual.

 

I don't know quite how to live with that lesser happiness except to find something else that brings happiness.

 

So the best way would be:

 

1) Heal and learn to gain some Happiness being single but aware that it is not going to feel like having a SO did. So instead of feeling sad when you have a memory of your ex you can make peace with it and say "Yes that was a really good time, and its true I'm not as happy as I was then but that doesn't mean my life is miserable. I think the point is to get strong enough to where you can go out again and date others and put yourself out there.

 

2) Date people, lots of people and find a person that you connect with. Continue to date them. Hopefully one of the people you meet you will fall in love with.

 

 

I really don't see any other solution to this. No new age spirituality of finding yourself BS. You are who you are and you have to get strong enough to stand on your own two feet but that doesnt mean that its going to feel as good as having a partner

Edited November 9, 2010 by harkkam