Is confidence the most important thing in a prospective partner?

[OceanGirl]

Here I am again, feeling low that I am just not confident and never will be. Sure, I can fake it short term - but my insecurities are generally blatantly obvious.

 

I have mentioned before that I think part of this is cultural. I grew up and spent my teens in Eastern Europe. I was thought during my formative years that thinking highly of yourself is bad. I was thought to be humble, to put myself last, that pretty much everyone else is more important than me. I was thought never to speak unless spoken to. Confidence was sneered at and made fun of.

 

When I moved to Australia, I was suddenly thrown in a completely different world where people valued different things. Confident people succeeded at work, in love and in life. Humble, kind people were stepped on. I didn't have what it takes and I initially failed in all areas of life.

 

I have somehow learned to fake confidence at work. I did have some good luck that has helped make me feel that I am capable and it has built from there.

 

Relationships are a different story. Since I have always failed at them, my confidence as a person that someone is capable of loving is rock bottom. This seeps through every interaction with men. Not only that, but when I do manage to put on a short term confident act and men respond positevely, I secretly resent them for it. I want them to value who I am natarully. Is it even possible that someone can find insecurity endearing?

 

I know that I do. Slightly awkward and insecure man is attractive to me. As long as he is assertive and able to take initiative every now and then (and I am capable of both).

 

Is confidence really on the top of everyone's list? I guess I already know the answer to that

[OceanGirl]

BTW this was brought on by that politician guy that I liked and his serious girlfriend that he got right after me. He was a real di$k to me and he treats her like a queen. I went to school with her briefly and all I remember about her is that she is one of those super outgoing, confident and bubbly girls.

 

I have her on FB, and objectively speaking, she is plainer than me, heavier than me (borderline obese), lives with her parents at 27 and is a college dropout. Her interests are shopping and watching Australian Next Top Model. The only thing that she has over me is confidence. Apparently, that's all that matters.

 

I can't help but think that if I was only confident, he would be in love with me now and I would be happy.

[TheMENemy]

Nope.

 

IMO the most important character trait in another person is integrity (we can split hairs on defining it I guess).

 

"Confidence" has an inner component and an external component and the level of confidence we each have varies depending upon what aspect of our behavior we are talking about. I can be very confident about my ability to do my profession but less confident about my ability to get strange people sexually attracted to me in one session at a pub.

 

A CRUSHING but unwarranted lack of self confidence, if it borders over into a social phobia, is important, but no more important than any other personality disorder.

 

Integrity is fundamentally different. It is a core aspect of someone's personality.

 

Another important trait, far more important than confidence, is compassion.

 

I think lack of confidence is more of an indicator that something you are doing is not right, or you are not ready for the particular situation, as opposed to saying anything fundamental about your character.

[TheMENemy]

So, don't worry about being confident.

 

 

Focus on living your life with integrity and compassion.

 

This is greatly simplifying, although not necessarily "easy" to do.

 

Integrity means you don't pretend to be someone that you aren't.

 

If you lack confidence in yourself in a situation, don't pretend otherwise. Instead just permit yourself the luxury of feeling the way you actually feel. It is perfectly OK to go into situations lacking confidence. There is no "rule" saying you have to be a confident dater.

 

Yes you may not feel comfortable being true to your own feelings but life is not about always seeking the most comfortable option.

 

If you begin to be true to your own feelings, I suspect you will start behaving differently and therefore attracting a different kind of person, someone who is better match for you. Someone that you don't feel you have to put on a false front of confidence for. Someone that you can truly open up to emotionally.

 

This hypothetical person may come in a TOTALLY different physical package than you anticipate though.

[northern_sky]

I think that despite what they say that looks are everything, confidence makes a huge difference to guys (and obviously women) in western society.

 

The poster above mentioned integrity, but to me that quality is inextricable from real confidence. Have you ever seen one of those quietly confident people? They are a perfect example of those who aren't especially outgoing but still project confidence because they have integrity.

 

Integrity is all about having firm boundaries and being consistent in your behavior. Because I usually lack confidence in social situations, I tend to act in ways that display a lack of integrity. I will be wishy washy or go back on what I say I want. I will send mixed signals. This is because I am more concerned about influencing the other person than respecting my own boundaries.

[carhill]

OP, my exW is rude and abrasive (to me) and appears to be very successful with men. The key is those men perceive her differently, because they, being typical 'normal' men, don't *care* that she presents herself in that way. In fact, such could be seen by them as confidence. A kind, humble woman might be seen by them as a doormat or 'weak'.

 

IMO, the aspect you seek is compatibility; seeking a partner who matches up with your personality style. If you are naturally kind and humble, it's OK to put on your 'work face' for work but, away from that environment, you should IMO seek a partner who meshes with your natural style, or else you will be forever putting on a 'face'.

 

I like a woman who accepts herself; this includes all of her flaws as well as her strengths. No one is perfect. Certainly, no one is confident all of the time. People change and grow. Life marches on.

[Monm82]

I don't think most guys care if a woman is confident or not.

[Akherousia]

I don't think most guys care if a woman is confident or not.

 

It's funny how many of my girlfriends have low self - esteem(they're attractive) but they still have intense romantic lives. This fluff about "confidence" being very important to get a partner/Sexual friend is like saying that you are not going to drown in the ocean because you're sure of your capacity to swim even though you haven't gone into the water in more than 10 years.

 

Men want beautiful/hot women. They don't mind putting up with a woman's self - esteem if they get to sleep with the woman. As for women caring that much about a man's confidence? No. I'm interested in his physical attributes and most of my girlfriends are the same way.

 

Yes, I'm sure one or two around here - guys or gals - will say that they fell in love with someone because that someone was confident or something along those lines, but confidence at the end of the day is just a word used to either disguise the lust they feel "oh, there's this very hot girl but I want her because of her confidence!" or to reject some guy " he's not a bad guy but he has no confidence!"

[Mme. Chaucer]

The confidence that makes a person really attractive and compelling, IMO, does not have anything to do with being "bubbly" and outgoing.

 

Certainly, people with those qualities have a much easier time of it socially than the rest of us.

 

Bottom line, though, is that a person who is confident in themselves ... I mean, who knows who she or he is and who remains true to that ... does not try to tailor their self-presentation to fit what they think others want to see ... THAT is the most attractive "confident" person. This can be a quiet, shy, academic, nerdy, sensitive, or whatever person but they KNOW who they are and others can tell.

 

Some kind of insecurity can be rather endearing, but most often insecurity in relationships translates into neediness. The insecure person who is (usually easily) perceived to be working others in order to get themselves validated is rarely attractive long term, unless perhaps to a predatory type who sees a potential easy victim.

[Mme. Chaucer]

It's funny how many of my girlfriends have low self - esteem(they're attractive) but they still have intense romantic lives. This fluff about "confidence" being very important to get a partner/Sexual friend is like saying that you are not going to drown in the ocean because you're sure of your capacity to swim even though you haven't gone into the water in more than 10 years.

 

Men want beautiful/hot women. They don't mind putting up with a woman's self - esteem if they get to sleep with the woman. As for women caring that much about a man's confidence? No. I'm interested in his physical attributes and most of my girlfriends are the same way.

 

Yes, I'm sure one or two around here - guys or gals - will say that they fell in love with someone because that someone was confident or something along those lines, but confidence at the end of the day is just a word used to either disguise the lust they feel "oh, there's this very hot girl but I want her because of her confidence!" or to reject some guy " he's not a bad guy but he has no confidence!"

 

Perhaps, if all you are talking about is the initial stage of attraction. I don't think "hotness" really holds two people together through an actual relationship very often.

[northern_sky]

It's funny how many of my girlfriends have low self - esteem(they're attractive) but they still have intense romantic lives. This fluff about "confidence" being very important to get a partner/Sexual friend is like saying that you are not going to drown in the ocean because you're sure of your capacity to swim even though you haven't gone into the water in more than 10 years.

 

Men want beautiful/hot women. They don't mind putting up with a woman's self - esteem if they get to sleep with the woman. As for women caring that much about a man's confidence? No. I'm interested in his physical attributes and most of my girlfriends are the same way.

 

Yes, I'm sure one or two around here - guys or gals - will say that they fell in love with someone because that someone was confident or something along those lines, but confidence at the end of the day is just a word used to either disguise the lust they feel "oh, there's this very hot girl but I want her because of her confidence!" or to reject some guy " he's not a bad guy but he has no confidence!"

 

Then why is that even beautiful women can have miserable love lives where they're mistreated and dumped by guys? This is a fact.

 

It's also BS that women don't care about a guy's confidence, just the way he looks.

[SteveC80]

Confidence is such a vague overused word in the dating world that means very little,our levels of confidence vary nobodies always confident and hopefully not too many people are always unconfident

 

People make it seem like this "confidence" can make an obese man attractive which is nonsense, if youre good lookign and not a total whackjob youll have no porlbem getting dates/relationshps regardless of not having confidence every single second of the day

 

Women do seem to say this magical word in looking for a man more then Men say it looking for women because i guess its accepted that women are the more worrying insecure self conscious gender where Men its not as accepted to have those traits

[Akherousia]

Then why is that even beautiful women can have miserable love lives where they're mistreated and dumped by guys? This is a fact.

 

It's also BS that women don't care about a guy's confidence, just the way he looks.

 

1)Because some beautiful women don't know how to make smart choices in men. Like some men make wrong choices in women.

 

What is this? I have never looked at a guy or interacted long term with a guy and thought to myself "If only he showed a little more patience. I think I'm going for that guy, less attractive but with higher self - esteem."

 

I have never met in REAL LIFE a man or a woman to care that much about confidence and when you realize that you with your extremely low self - esteem can get a man you see that you don't need confidence to attract a man or a woman.

 

You either attract a woman or a man with looks, height, muscles, breasts, money or education or you don't attract a woman. But to attract someone due to confidence?

 

That MIGHT work with women and men with extremely low confidence. I know that my brother has many friends his age(22) and they're all dating much younger women and much hotter than themselves.

 

How do they do it?

 

High school girls aren't famous for high self - esteem.

[Star Gazer]

I have her on FB, and objectively speaking, she is plainer than me, heavier than me (borderline obese), lives with her parents at 27 and is a college dropout. Her interests are shopping and watching Australian Next Top Model. The only thing that she has over me is confidence. Apparently, that's all that matters.

 

Well isn't THAT an uncalled for leap to a conclusion!! There's a lot more to a person than appearance and confidence! And what YOU have observed is likely VERY different than what he experiences.

 

Perhaps she's funnier? Perhaps she's kinder? Perhaps she's more laid back? Perhaps she's more of a nurturer? Perhaps she's better in bed? Perhaps she's a better cook? Perhaps although not formally educated she has more people smarts, or is wittier? Perhaps she isn't prone to jealousy? Perhaps she just has that je ne sais quoi? Perhaps these are the qualities HE values?

[musemaj11]

Confident bubbly girls will always get all the guys.

[Mme. Chaucer]

OG asked if confidence was the most important thing in a "prospective partner." She is talking about RELATIONSHIPS and being loved. She is 31 and looking for more than what a 22 year old guy is seeking from a high school girl. Apples and oranges.

 

I've read her threads and I don't think she has problems with the initial attraction phase. Hotness factor is in place.

[musemaj11]

I don't think most guys care if a woman is confident or not.

Yeah you are right.

 

We guys prefer downers.

 

We prefer ice queens who never say a word.

[Els]

Well isn't THAT an uncalled for leap to a conclusion!! There's a lot more to a person than appearance and confidence! And what YOU have observed is likely VERY different than what he experiences.

 

Perhaps she's funnier? Perhaps she's kinder? Perhaps she's more laid back? Perhaps she's more of a nurturer? Perhaps she's better in bed? Perhaps she's a better cook? Perhaps although not formally educated she has more people smarts, or is wittier? Perhaps she isn't prone to jealousy? Perhaps she just has that je ne sais quoi? Perhaps these are the qualities HE values?

 

Quoted for truth. There is so much more to attraction and relationships than a laundry list of 'appearance, education, career, etc'. I find it quite sad to be judging and rating other women based on one's own (narrow) preset criteria.

[northern_sky]

OG asked if confidence was the most important thing in a "prospective partner." She is talking about RELATIONSHIPS and being loved. She is 31 and looking for more than what a 22 year old guy is seeking from a high school girl. Apples and oranges.

 

I've read her threads and I don't think she has problems with the initial attraction phase. Hotness factor is in place.

 

EXACTLY. OG doesn't have trouble attracting a guy, but men she's interested in tend to lose interest in her and she's trying to figure out why. This has everything to do with her confidence level, imo.

[Untouchable_Fire]

When I moved to Australia, I was suddenly thrown in a completely different world where people valued different things. Confident people succeeded at work, in love and in life. Humble, kind people were stepped on. I didn't have what it takes and I initially failed in all areas of life.

 

I have somehow learned to fake confidence at work. I did have some good luck that has helped make me feel that I am capable and it has built from there.

 

Is confidence really on the top of everyone's list? I guess I already know the answer to that

 

There was a study conducted not too long ago where students from most developed countries were tested on math, reading, and history.

 

Not surprisingly Americans scored 23rd. However, interestingly enough that after the test when asked how they think they did... Americans were number 1. That should give you an idea of how important confidence is in our society.

 

Australia I believe is similar.

 

We have no respect for the weak or meek.

[musemaj11]

We have no respect for the weak or meek.

Thats why we are going down and down coz we have no time for retrospect.

[colliejoanie]

Am I the only one that thinks this is sad? OP, I think you should try to work on your confidence through a therapist or something like that. Not to find a guy, but to be happy with yourself.

 

I've struggled with low confidence all my life and it's a horrible way to live. It affects every decision you make. You're always second guessing yourself, and thinking that every one else has got it figured out.

 

I've been going to a therapist for a while now, and I'm finally learning to have more confidence in myself. It's making a huge difference in my life. My appearance, my health, my friendships, my relationship with my daughter, and I'm dating.......which has been scary, but I'm learning to be confident in that too because I know how I want a man to treat me. Like a queen (I'll treat him like a King) and that takes confidence.

[JamesM]

Nope. We are attracted to a particular type of person. Some like passive. Some like assertive. Many simply pick someone who meshes with them and "complements" them.

 

But having said that, I chose a woman who outwardly showed more confidence. Inwardly, she has insecurities like the rest of us. I think as we get to know someone, then we begin to show our vulnerable side. While most have a confident outward appearance, many of us still have insecurities and vulnerabilities.

 

I dated a girl who IMO was too passive and less outwardly confident. Looking back, I still think I made the right choice. However, since I still know the girl (now a woman) I see that she has her own quiet confidence. And seriously....I think she has less issues than my own wife who appears more confident outwardly. If I had not left her back then and had married her, then I would have seen that now. But for the record....my wife is way more attractive and that was/is a bigger factor.

 

 

When I broke it off with that girl, she began dating a friend within a couple of months, and they were married.

 

One man's "trash" is another man's "treasure."

[strength-abounds]

As a man with a little bit of an ego/conifidence problem (comes from the military and my career) I tend to be attracted to women that exhibit confidence but not over-the-top confidence.

 

I guess some guys prefer confidence and some don't. I do believe that there are certain types of confidence; and, some people are attracted to certain types of confidence. Personally, a woman that is confident in my career field scares the hell out of me. However, I am seriously attracted to women that are confident in the classroom.

 

If you feel you have a confidence issue, then you probably do. When someone has confidence in themselves, they never worry about not having confidence. I agree that you should see a therapist about these issues. These people are great in pointing out your strong points as well as your weak points. They will also give you tips on how to nurture the strong points and how to cope with the weak points.

 

Good Luck and God Bless.

[threebyfate]

Ever notice that the most confident seeming guys and girls are relaxed?