tori1504 Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Twenty six years ago (this would be high school), I met a man (well boy at the time) that simply blew me away. Immediate fireworks on both sides. We dated for about six months, and then both grew restless (it was high school after all). This man remained a big part of my life for the next ten years. We would get back together, drift apart, friends with benefits. Life cirumstances always seemed to get in the way. Eventually I left the country for a few years, and he ended up marrying someone else. A decision that came on the heels of finding out I had left the country after he came looking for me again. Fast forward 26 years to early last year. He is still with the same woman. They're unhappily married with two kids in their teens. They're disconnected on many levels, and have attempted counseling several times. Things don't seem to change. Last year he and I got in touch again (we' edmailed in the past, but just to see where the other was in life at any point in time). Around this time my marriage had just ended (he left me for another woman). I had no intention of entering into anything romantic with this mm, but he was actually a great comfort to me as I recovered from my own failed marriage. Late last year he began "harmlessly" flirting with me. I figured it was his attempt to build up my shattered ego. Over the next few months the flirting became more serious. Eventually it progressed to a full blown "relationship". Nothing physical since he's still with his wife and also lives in another state. He's telling me he's in love with me, that he's always been in love with me and feels like we have always been meant to be together. He says he never stopped thinking about me all of these years. I have to admit that I feel the same way. Everyone I've ever been with has been compared to him, and no one has measured up. I've lived my life believing that he was the one that got away, and that I would never find anyone for whom I would have the same level of feelings. I could use advice because I don't know where to go with this. He's started having the conversation with his wife, and that hasn't gone very well. He's well respected in his community, at his church. Adored by pretty much everyone that knows him because he's always been "that guy" that could do no wrong. The golden boy. I have to admit I'm shocked that he's even gone as far as to begin telling his wife that he's no longer in love with her. What has me scared is that I'm feeling like I'm the catalyst for all of this. That he wouldn't be considering leaving her if it wasn't for me. As things are growing more difficult, he tells me the details of their conversations and how upset she is, which makes me feel like he's in some way blaming me for what he feels he now has to do to her. I told him that I could not be with him if he was married, so I guess he feels I'm pushing him to rush through this because he would lose me. I don't know what to do next. I can't believe I'm in this situation considering that 1 1/2 years ago my ex left me and my 4 month old for someone else. I feel like this man was the one for me, but do I just make my peace with the fact that I missed that boat....
TigerCub Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Hey Tori, I think you're handling things the right way - by telling him that you can't be with him as long as he's married. As far as feeling that he's blaming you for the talk he had with his wife- that's complete BS. its not like you TOLD him to do it. If he's that miserable with his wife, I'm sure its not a huge secret between them. Yes, it may have upset her to hear it, but I'm sure she had a hunch. He can't possibly blame you for the crappy life he has - he made his choice, he made his bed ... that's not your doing. From your post and how you're talking about how he's a figure in his community that's well respected and blah blah, I forsee a convo between the 2 of you, where he's going to use that, his kids, and his wife's upset factor as reasons why he can't get a divorce. I hope you read the posts on this forum and see how miserable most people in the A situations are. It causes so much pain. I hope you stick to your guns and not get involved with this guy unless he gets a divorce. Even if he was the love of your life, don't settle for less than what you truly want. Good luck to you
2sunny Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 you are participating in someone else's marriage. you are taking his time and attention and mental and emotional energy away from the woman he married. it is the same as what your ex husband's OW did to your marriage... is that the role you intend to play in life? how did it feel in your marriage? why do you want to play that role by infringing on his M? he will tell you everything you need to hear - that doesn't make it the truth. IF he's so unhappy in his M - then i would recommend you tell him to tell HIS WIFE how to change things so they can figure out how to be happy again. he may never leave = but he will always be willing to tell you how unhappy he is - so that you play the role of trying harder to make sure he is happy... but in this role - you will always be his OW. is that enough for you? do you intend to be THAT woman? if not - run Forrest run!
2sure Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 It is quite possible that this relationship with you is his "exit" affair. It happens. If that is the case, you need do nothing but step aside until he ends the marriage and is free to begin a relationship with you. But I see a red flag here. Most MM with no intention of leaving the marriage tell OW all that you have described : He is the golden boy, committed to family, church, and community. They do this so that they can convince you they are the good guy, not a cheater so much as a martyr to their circumstances. This is almost verbatim what they all say. And it is easier to say to you because you have no way of knowing what is going on in his life because you are so far away. But ...maybe its true. If he is telling you this just to move the relationship to physical or to feed his ego...you will know soon enough. Just ask him to let you know when he has seen the attorney and if he actually retained one. You are divorced, you know the drill...verify what he says with what he DOES.
fooled once Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Twenty six years ago (this would be high school), I met a man (well boy at the time) that simply blew me away. Immediate fireworks on both sides. We dated for about six months, and then both grew restless (it was high school after all). This man remained a big part of my life for the next ten years. We would get back together, drift apart, friends with benefits. Life cirumstances always seemed to get in the way. Eventually I left the country for a few years, and he ended up marrying someone else. A decision that came on the heels of finding out I had left the country after he came looking for me again. Fast forward 26 years to early last year. He is still with the same woman. They're unhappily married with two kids in their teens. They're disconnected on many levels, and have attempted counseling several times. Things don't seem to change. Last year he and I got in touch again (we' edmailed in the past, but just to see where the other was in life at any point in time). Around this time my marriage had just ended (he left me for another woman). I had no intention of entering into anything romantic with this mm, but he was actually a great comfort to me as I recovered from my own failed marriage. Late last year he began "harmlessly" flirting with me. I figured it was his attempt to build up my shattered ego. Over the next few months the flirting became more serious. Eventually it progressed to a full blown "relationship". Nothing physical since he's still with his wife and also lives in another state. He's telling me he's in love with me, that he's always been in love with me and feels like we have always been meant to be together. He says he never stopped thinking about me all of these years. I have to admit that I feel the same way. Everyone I've ever been with has been compared to him, and no one has measured up. I've lived my life believing that he was the one that got away, and that I would never find anyone for whom I would have the same level of feelings. I could use advice because I don't know where to go with this. He's started having the conversation with his wife, and that hasn't gone very well. He's well respected in his community, at his church. Adored by pretty much everyone that knows him because he's always been "that guy" that could do no wrong. The golden boy. I have to admit I'm shocked that he's even gone as far as to begin telling his wife that he's no longer in love with her. What has me scared is that I'm feeling like I'm the catalyst for all of this. That he wouldn't be considering leaving her if it wasn't for me. As things are growing more difficult, he tells me the details of their conversations and how upset she is, which makes me feel like he's in some way blaming me for what he feels he now has to do to her. I told him that I could not be with him if he was married, so I guess he feels I'm pushing him to rush through this because he would lose me. I don't know what to do next. I can't believe I'm in this situation considering that 1 1/2 years ago my ex left me and my 4 month old for someone else. I feel like this man was the one for me, but do I just make my peace with the fact that I missed that boat.... So he allegedly tells his wife things and then he tells you what he tells her? He is blaming you - because he refuses to OWN his own selfish behavior. So he is going to leave his wife and run to you? You two who never could get it together for 26 years are now going to try again, after he dumps his wife? I don't get the whole "he was the man for me, but we never could get our crap together BEFORE, but NOW we are going to blow apart marriages because we are meant to be" Nah, it is just easier to be with an old love than to move forward alone. you are participating in someone else's marriage. you are taking his time and attention and mental and emotional energy away from the woman he married. it is the same as what your ex husband's OW did to your marriage... is that the role you intend to play in life? how did it feel in your marriage? why do you want to play that role by infringing on his M? he will tell you everything you need to hear - that doesn't make it the truth. IF he's so unhappy in his M - then i would recommend you tell him to tell HIS WIFE how to change things so they can figure out how to be happy again. he may never leave = but he will always be willing to tell you how unhappy he is - so that you play the role of trying harder to make sure he is happy... but in this role - you will always be his OW. is that enough for you? do you intend to be THAT woman? if not - run Forrest run! Ditto
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