What's up with On line dating and guys that want to meet right away

[colliejoanie]

I'm relatively new to Online dating. But I do not understand why these guys I'm connecting with absolutely HAVE to meet ASAP.

 

I like to see if we can "talk" via email, im, text or phone for a while before I actually meet someone.

 

However, I've found that the guys I'm talking to want to meet TODAY or TOMORROW.

 

When I suggest a date a week from now, it seems like they're put off. I don't understand the rush. I'd like to get to know someone - albiet somewhat impersonal - before setting the date.

 

Any thoughts???????????

[beyondhope]

Yes, my two cents are that these men want it quick and easy...if you know what I mean.

 

Be cautious about online dating. Be selective. Remember that there's a million people out there for these men to choose from, and perhaps they've been lead to believe that all women will put out without knowing a single fact about them. Don't support the myth!

[colliejoanie]

Yeah, you're right. I guess I'm niave in my thinking. I guess I just ASSume that guys read in my profile that I'm looking for a long term relationship........so I ASSume someone won't contact me unless they too are looking for a long term relationship.

 

I'll keep my eyes open, eh?

[refurb]

I'm of the mindset that you can't really know if someone is right for you if you don't meet face-to-face. I don't mind a couple back and forth emails to learn more about someone, but you can waste a lot of time doing that when meeting for a coffee will tell you a lot more in less time. However, guys getting upset that they have to wait a week to see you is a little odd. RF

[Surrealist]

What's up?

 

Well there's certainly something 'up' and hence the guys' hastening to meet.

[carhill]

Strike while the iron is hot. Rolling stones gather no moss.

 

Simple fact is most men know that another man will be, whether IRL or online, pushing to meet ASAP, so the pressure is on. Whether the man is romancing one woman or ten, he knows time is of the essence.

 

If you met someone at Barnes and Noble, how long would you wait until you met them? Right...

[Tim The Enchanter]

I'm relatively new to Online dating. But I do not understand why these guys I'm connecting with absolutely HAVE to meet ASAP.

 

I like to see if we can "talk" via email, im, text or phone for a while before I actually meet someone.

 

However, I've found that the guys I'm talking to want to meet TODAY or TOMORROW.

 

When I suggest a date a week from now, it seems like they're put off. I don't understand the rush. I'd like to get to know someone - albiet somewhat impersonal - before setting the date.

 

Any thoughts???????????

 

 

They must have read this thread :http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251465/?highlight=semi+successful

 

I'm like you. I usually like to test the water via email before agreeing to meet someone from the internet. No matter how many times I do it, it is always nerve wracking, and nerves are not helped when you are worrying about whether you will get on with this person.

[Tim The Enchanter]

Strike while the iron is hot. Rolling stones gather no moss.

 

Simple fact is most men know that another man will be, whether IRL or online, pushing to meet ASAP, so the pressure is on. Whether the man is romancing one woman or ten, he knows time is of the essence.

 

If you met someone at Barnes and Noble, how long would you wait until you met them? Right...

 

Sounds a little insecure to me. I know from experience that you can develop a certain amount of rapport and chemistry from the emails alone. I don't mean that I spend weeks sending emails before asking the woman out, but I do take advantage of the emails as a way of judging interest, compatibility etc (and vice versa for her). Women know what they like, and so do men. Even if she has dated these guys who are so in a hurry, if she clicks with you and not with them, she's going to choose you anyway.

[LittleTiger]

I know from experience that you can develop a certain amount of rapport and chemistry from the emails alone. I don't mean that I spend weeks sending emails before asking the woman out, but I do take advantage of the emails as a way of judging interest, compatibility etc (and vice versa for her). Women know what they like, and so do men. Even if she has dated these guys who are so in a hurry, if she clicks with you and not with them, she's going to choose you anyway.

 

I agree. I chatted to quite a few guys when I did online dating, some of whom lived close enough to meet up fairly easily.

 

What I found really strange were the ones who lived overseas (usually in the US ) who invited me to fly out that weekend or something - after one or two emails or one IM conversation!!! I never asked if they were offering to pay too!

 

The one man I really clicked with was 12,000 miles away. After a few days of IMing and one phone call I was hooked but we had to wait two months to meet in IRL because of the distance.

 

I could have met any number of other guys before that meeting but, even before we met for real, I knew there was no way I would choose anyone else over him - not until I'd met him and found out for sure.

[carhill]

IRL, the methodology of seeking immediate contact is no different from, if getting on with a lady in a chance meeting, asking her out on a date. If she's not attracted, she declines; if she is, she accepts.

 

IMO, there's no sense in investing hours of typing text into something which is, at best, nebulous and where such communication can be achieved in minutes in real life conversation and where attraction and mutual interest is easily confirmed.

 

 

I'm offering this from the experience of having met all my significant romantic partners, including my exW, online or via the ancestor of online dating, phone dating.

 

Lastly, a rejected man will *never* know for sure if another man beat him to the punch or if the woman was not adequately interested or whether the famine has worsened in Ethiopia. The woman isn't going to give him and exit interview. Of course, if she 'pick's' him she's going to say all his wonderful e-mails and phone calls and sweet nothings augmented his ethereal hotness. She finds him attractive and wants him. Why would she say anything different?

 

Perhaps it's a perspective of different 'styles'. Having followed the 'slow, steady and get to know her style' for the majority of my adult life, I found it inadequate to effectively form romantic relationships, so I changed to a quicker and more aggressive and assertive style about 15 years ago and, low and behold, became more successful in meeting women and forming relationships and, later, getting married. I'm speaking from the perspective of an average guy, the kind which single woman don't hit on and who must seek out, assertively, any sort of relationship. Other men have their path.

 

If the OP and the men seeking quick meetings are not on the same path, then they're not. Maybe she'll meet a guy like I once was, one who will slowly get to know her. I hope that works out for her

[Tim The Enchanter]

 

IMO, there's no sense in investing hours of typing text into something which is, at best, nebulous and where such communication can be achieved in minutes in real life conversation and where attraction and mutual interest is easily confirmed.

 

If you're happy to go on date after date with random strangers from a dating site, then that's fine. The point about the email correspondence is that it enables you to sort the wheat from the chaff. There have been many occasions where I've chatting to someone via email, and I just know that there's no point meeting this person because we are not compatible.

[carhill]

My uniform experience has been that e-mail queens, whether on LS or dating sites, have *never* worked out in real life. They like the virtual world. Women who I have dated tired quickly of e-mail/IM and wanted meetings in real life. I'll test that conclusion again in a couple of weeks on one of my cross-country trips.

 

Since my response rate is fairly consistent, at 1 out of 10-12 EOI's, I would say I haven't really been going on date after date with random strangers, rather just a very few random strangers

[LittleTiger]

IRL, the methodology of seeking immediate contact is no different from, if getting on with a lady in a chance meeting, asking her out on a date. If she's not attracted, she declines; if she is, she accepts.

 

IMO, there's no sense in investing hours of typing text into something which is, at best, nebulous and where such communication can be achieved in minutes in real life conversation and where attraction and mutual interest is easily confirmed.

 

I understand where you're coming from here but the difference with online dating is that you haven't actually 'met'. The woman has no idea if she's attracted and therefore doesn't know whether to accept or decline the invitation. Perhaps it's different for men and women because the men are basing their 'attraction' purely on a photograph and most women need more than a visual to spark enough interest to accept a date.

 

I also agree that hours of emailing or texting is excessive but I don't think that's what the OP meant. IME some men didn't want to converse at all, they just wanted a date straight off and, to be frank, I found that a little desperate. No offense to you Carhill, you strike me as anything but desperate, but it's how these men came across to me in the context of online dating.

 

What I usually did was suggest a phone conversation (if they didn't suggest it first) and, I have to say, most guys didn't get past that stage. I see no point investing hours of my time travelling to meet/going on a date with someone who turns out to be a jerk as soon as he opens his mouth - and I don't care how good looking he is in his profile.

 

Just for info - I did tell the men I rejected why I was doing so. I usually said that we weren't compatible, if that was the case - and you wouldn't believe how many guys think they are automatically 'compatible' with you for no good reason other than liking the way you look.

 

After 'meeting' my kiwi man I told every guy I talked to that he was No.1 in the running and it was up to them if they still wanted to hang around 'just in case'. Some did. So when Mr Kiwi and I met IRL, and I told the others all bets were off, they knew exactly why. Also, because I had been open and honest with them, and because I had been chatting with them online and knew they were decent men, I wasn't surprised when they accepted the situation with good grace and wished us well.

[carhill]

Just for info - I did tell the men I rejected why I was doing so. I usually said that we weren't compatible, if that was the case - and you wouldn't believe how many guys think they are automatically 'compatible' with you for no good reason other than liking the way you look.

 

That's great. Good men appreciate that. Yes, I have experienced that *feeling* of virtual 'compatibility' but dismiss it as, essentially, fantasy. That's part of the reason why, for my psychology anyway, I prefer IRL meetings quickly. My attraction flows from *intimacy* and I've been amazed by how intimate and personal women can get in e-mails, IM's, etc. I'm not talking about sex, rather emotions and spirit. So, IME, an unbalanced dynamic results due to different attraction styles. The ladies derive no attraction from such sharing, apparently, and we end up out of synch.

 

Having been single for 23 years prior to getting married, I have lots of 'stories' I could tell. Universally, based on the interactions which did 'work', whether short term or long term, they happened pretty quickly. I'm reminded of how TBF and her H met and it just worked out, amazingly fast. That's been my experience too. YMMV

[LittleTiger]

My attraction flows from *intimacy* and I've been amazed by how intimate and personal women can get in e-mails, IM's, etc. I'm not talking about sex, rather emotions and spirit. So, IME, an unbalanced dynamic results due to different attraction styles. The ladies derive no attraction from such sharing, apparently, and we end up out of synch.

 

Having been single for 23 years prior to getting married, I have lots of 'stories' I could tell. Universally, based on the interactions which did 'work', whether short term or long term, they happened pretty quickly. I'm reminded of how TBF and her H met and it just worked out, amazingly fast. That's been my experience too. YMMV

 

I totally agree with this and my attraction for men also flows from intimacy. That's how my kiwi man and I 'knew' we were compatible without ever having met IRL - and he didn't even know what I looked like until he met me at the airport (his choice).

 

I think the imbalance is a key factor here with many people. Women are perhaps more used to sharing deeper things about themselves which creates intimacy and attracts a man like you. When a man shares in the same way (which I'm guessing you might if that level of intimacy was invited) some women find this off-putting because they're not used to men who do this. So, assuming I have understood correctly, I can see that, for you, meeting quickly is a good idea.

 

I can't argue with what you're saying about things happening 'pretty quickly' either. My kiwi man and I knew within days online and within minutes on the phone that there was something potentially very special. IRL it was confirmed in seconds. Had we been able to meet IRL straight away, I have no doubt we'd have done so within days of him contacting me, and the emotional intimacy would have 'pretty quickly' followed. I think, if the connection is going to 'work' it will probably happen either way.

 

I find this really interesting actually because it supports a belief I have about all the dating experiences that we read here on LS. Most of the anguish and drama and questioning is all pointless. When you meet somebody who is the right person - it's just right - from day one. That's not to say there won't be difficulties along the way but 'when you know, you know'. I think this holds true for RL or online dating. Even in the case of me and my kiwi man, we did have to actually meet in person before we could be absolutely sure.

 

So, coming back to the OPs original question, I wonder if both men and women need to be a little clearer in their communication. The men stating from the outset exactly why they want to meet so early and the women explaining why they'd rather wait. From a woman's point of view it feels quite 'aggressive' to say lets meet up after one email before the woman has even had a chance to decide if the guy is a decent human being. However, IME it doesn't take long, and probably just one phone call is enough to make that judgement and decide if you want to meet the man or not.

[dispatch3d]

whats up with dating and girls dicking around guys who they aren't really interested in to begin with?

[carhill]

LOL, you say that like it's something new

[colliejoanie]

I agree with one of the posters, it does come across as desperate. I got an email on okc on Friday morning, looked at his profile and liked it, responded that I'd like to chat more. He sent an email that asked if we could get lunch THAT DAY!

 

When I said it wouldn't work that day, and that I was busy all weekend, maybe Tuesday night. He seemed really put off.

 

Which was so unattractive!!!!

 

I don't think that wanting to talk to someone first is "dicking" a guy around.

[carhill]

I don't think that wanting to talk to someone first is "dicking" a guy around.

Seriously, only if you're not interested. I've been, in the above described era, a willing victim of that many times, for days, weeks and months of 'string-along'. Being the victim doesn't obviate the perp from her responsibility to honesty.

 

Your man's mistake was seeming 'put off' by your deferral. Myself, I just move on to the next potential. At this point in life, there isn't anyone IRL who can put me off in the relationship arena. A lot of men feel similarly, without prejudice. Perhaps some day that will change. In that sense, I think you were right in discounting this particular man.

[missmebaby]

i guess i am like those men you speak of because i would rather meet up with a guy sooner rather than later. i mean i usually send a couple emails, if they can carry a conversation then i give them my number and they either call or text me and we set something up. A lot of people can make themselves sound and look really good online but its till you meet them in person that you can find out the real story. i would rather not waste my time chatting back and forth online with someone who might actually be totally different in person.

[Mme. Chaucer]

But, next week is not really waiting a long time. If a guy can't gracefully wait til next week, I would be put off by him.

 

On the other hand, the habit of establishing long and close contact via text, email and phone before meeting can set up a false intimacy that might really interfere with the dynamic of the two when they finally get ftf - of course, assuming they can get ftf soon. LDR's are a different story, of course.

[reservoirdog1]

I'm relatively new to Online dating. But I do not understand why these guys I'm connecting with absolutely HAVE to meet ASAP.

 

I like to see if we can "talk" via email, im, text or phone for a while before I actually meet someone.

 

However, I've found that the guys I'm talking to want to meet TODAY or TOMORROW.

 

When I suggest a date a week from now, it seems like they're put off. I don't understand the rush. I'd like to get to know someone - albiet somewhat impersonal - before setting the date.

 

Any thoughts???????????

I believe in a "happy medium".

 

A guy who wants to meet TODAY or TOMORROW is being excessively pushy and borderline obsessed.

 

However, there's nothing wrong, in my view, with a guy not wanting to exchange more than a few emails or a phone call or two before meeting in person.

 

You can only learn so much about somebody from emails or phone calls. And great chemistry and rapport established that way often doesn't translate into face-to-face, in-person chemistry. And that's the ultimate goal anyway, so why not find out sooner rather than later if there's great in-person chemistry? When it DOES work out in person, it's amazing (my GF and me... ), but it definitely doesn't always work that way.

 

Think about how disappointed you'd be if you had great chemistry with a guy built through a week or two of numerous emails and phone calls, only to meet and find that it evaporates when you're in person. Or something like this: a number of years ago, I exchanged a few fun emails with a woman, suggested we talk on the phone, and she demurred, saying she wanted me to "like her as a person" before doing that. I put my guard up somewhat when I read that, but we carried on with the email thing for a bit longer. A few more emails, and I proposed meeting. Set up a date but no location; emailed her in the lead-up to firm that up, never heard back. Got an email from her a few weeks later apologizing for going incommunicado and saying she realized she just wasn't ready to do that. End of interaction. No big loss, but it definitely underlined for me the importance of meeting face to face sooner, rather than later.

 

Besides -- a phone call or two, plus a few emails, then meeting... you already know FAR more about the guy than you would if you'd simply met each other out in the real world.

[colliejoanie]

I believe in a "happy medium".

 

A guy who wants to meet TODAY or TOMORROW is being excessively pushy and borderline obsessed.

 

Yes, that's the feeling I got.

 

And I completely agree with everyone in regards to not establishing long "e-lationships" and actually meeting the guy in person sooner than later. I can see how some women feel safer just emailing guys, but how annoying!!!

 

It just seems really rushed with some guys.

[SilentVoice]

For me personally. If it works with my schedule. I like to meet a guy as soon as possible. One of my most succesfully dates from online, I started speaking to him on Friday morning, met him Saturday morning. Then again , different people are looking for different things. Meeting faster works for my situation.

 

Anyway if I was a guy ,especially with online dating. I will try to meet girls as soon as possible. Why wait? You end up emailing back forth for 3 weeks . Then you met and it doesn't work out.

[LittleTiger]

Well, I guess I'm never going to agree with most posters on here because of my own situation.

 

Maybe my kiwi man and I are the exception that makes the rule but how we presented ourselves online/email/msn/phone was EXACTLY how we both turned out to be.

 

I think if people were more honest with each other and more understanding of each others nuances there might be a lot more online love stories like ours.

 

Anyway, we had no choice but to do it the way we did, and we certainly would have met IRL a lot sooner if it wasn't for the distance. How soon I'll never know.